No space to move.
No room to breathe.
Im held inside myself;
Im locked up inside myself;
& my mind controls me.
Its like my blood is turning into soil.
Its like my bones are rotting.
& my body is slowly getting weak.
& my body is slowly losing its strength.
& my body is slowly losing control of the mind.
Disconnected;
My mind is slowly failing.
Its hard to breathe;
Because everything is caving in on me.
I wish there was another door to go through,
Because Ive been locked inside through the other end.
So claustrophobic;
No air can enter through me.
& when it does passes;
It just blows me down to the ground.
Im not seen.
Im not mentally alert.
Im so lost inside myself.
Im so dead inside myself.
See me as I am.
I am what you see.
But inside Im so invisible.
My mind is so mental.
My strength has turned to weakness.
& inside Im so closed in.
Its like my body is the coffin;
That gained solid to trap me up inside.
& I cannot breathe;
Because there is no air.
& I cannot see;
Because there is no opening to see.
& I cannot move;
Because my body & mind is locking up my spirit inside.
Im lost.
Im hidden.
Im buried inside my body.
& Ive pushed myself way too deep;
So deep,
I cannot get out.

Replaced my head with a stone;
Because Ive knocked myself out several times.
Replaced my bones with sticks & twigs;
Because Ive gained weakness.
Replaced my face with fire;
Because I kept trying to burn the mask.
Replaced my hair with water;
Because I kept drowning in my tears.
Replaced my arm with blades;
Because I kept hurting myself.
Replaced my feet with thorns;
Because I kept piercing my balance.
Replaced my hands with weights;
Because I kept falling.
Replaced my blood with alcohol;
Because I drank to forget.
Replaced my heart with glass;
Because I broke it in a million pieces.
Replaced myself with a stranger;
Because my old spirit has given up.

The world was filled with happiness.
The world was filled with joy.
My family was filled with positive emotions.
But I was just filled with negative emotions.
I just woke up so depressed;
Because I didnt have you here.
The first time in my life;
Spending this day without you,
Made me feel so uncomfortable around people,
So unfocused around people,
So weird around people.
I just couldnt stop daydreaming about you;
& what it would be like if I had you here.
& because I wasnt used to this,
I didnt know how to handle it.
My tears have drowned me so deeply;
& Im sinking because I cannot keep my head up.
All I felt was empty.
All I felt was pain.
All I felt was depression.
& now It all wont go away.
The week of this day all i heard on the radio was "Mother's Day,"
& my heart stopped;
Then my breathing went faster;
& then it was like my body just got an electric shock.
Inside I was so numb;
Chills up & down my spine,
I just froze.
Now this day has come,
& Im missing something...
You're company,
You're love,
You're sweetness,
You're kindness,
You're happiness,
You're kisses,
You're hugs,
You're cooking,
You're spirits,
My Mother.
I just never thought I would spend this day without you.
I just never thought I would never see you again.
I just never thought I would regret so many things.
I just never thought I would feel this guilty.
I just never thought I would cry so much.
I just never thought that each day will get worse.
& I just never thought I would end up being so mentally weak;
Because I cannot handle it.
Without you here really kills me.
Without you here makes me unstrong.
Without you here makes me fill up the house with my tears.
& without you here on this day will never ever be the same.
& I will continue to cry forever.

Eyes wide open,
My eyes never tire out.
It suddenly startles me,
when the light goes down.
Unable to shut my eyes,
Unable to fall asleep.
Unable to finally wear off,
Unable to be in peace.
Im just in disturbia when the night approaches;
Insomnia when I try to sleep.
Silence is getting noisy;
The darkness is what scares me.
My nightmares haunt me all night;
My body just jerks with fear.
My nerves are just shot;
Everything is just so unclear.
Im just so overtired;
That I dont even feel exhausted.
Im just so out of it;
My sleep habits are forever melted.
Im so woken up from the darkness;
& so restless from being up.
Im so sick & tired of trying to overcome my fears;
I just feel so locked up.
& everytime I try to close my eyes;
My body jerks reminding me not to pass out;
& every night Im losing sleep;
But I can never turn the lights out.
& its just insomnia keeping my eyes busy on a lookout;
& its just all in my head;
But Ill never get over the fear;
No matter how much I shout.
So Im awake when my alarm starts;
Im awake all night long.
To suffer with patience for the day to come;
Because when I try to fight my fear,
Im just not that strong.

You motivated me to pray to you.
You motivated me to love you.
You motivated me to talk to you.
You motivated me to go to your house.
You motivated me to listen to you.
You motivated me to be good.
You motivated me to ask you for forgiveness.
You motivated me to see life.
& from time to time, I noticed you were slacking off.
& from time to time, I noticed you were getting me confused.
& from time to time, I noticed you were playing with my head.
& I prayed to you since I was just a little girl.
& I thought I could trust you.
& I thought I could depend on you.
& then It all went down the drain when her heart started to weaken.
Never in my life would I have thought this would happen.
I know you witnessed me pray the minute she was sick.
I know you witnessed my tears run down my face.
I know you witnessed me curse.
I know you witnessed me going crazy.
I know you witnessed me stress out.
& now you witness me a mess.
God you have made me see the worst Ive ever seen in my life.
God you have created a big disaster in my life.
& because of that disaster,
You took half my heart.
& half my heart is the piece I cant live without.
& the piece I cannot live without,
Is the body you put to rest.
& the body you put to rest,
Had no reason to leave me.
& I dont wanna put my hands together no more;
Because you made me pull them apart.
You made me witness her suffering.
My eyes witnessed her spirit being taken away.
& now I witness an empty room,
An empty chair,
An empty couch,
An empty seat,
An empty bed,
An empty floor,
& my empty eyes;
Because I cannot see what used to be here.

It hasnt changed
Im still haunted by fear
Im still terrified of the darkness
My anxiety has not yet stopped,
Because Im still hyperventilating.
Im still stopping to hear if any sounds are present.
My heart is still racing.
My hot flashes are still burning me.
Im still drowning in my sweat.
Im still spinning from the dizziness.
I cannot stand the silence.
The music just breaks it.
I cannot stand my hallucinations anymore.
I try to distract myself.
I cannot stand my depression anymore.
Self-mutilation allows me to relax.
Too many memories are involved in the night.
Too much of the past that turns to the present while I close my eyes.
& the future will always be my fear.
If I fall asleep,
Will I wake up choking again?
Will I wake up crying again?
Will I wake up screaming again?
Will I wake up hyperventilating again?
Its unknown what my mind holds.
Its unknown what my mind is going to hide from me.
I cant take this **** anymore.
Because I have completely forgotten what sleep is.
..Is it a nightmare?
Is it waking up 5 times a night?
Is it staying up the whole night?
No.
This is once again,
Insomnia.
Its continuously staying with me.
I have figured it out,
That it will never leave me.
This deadly disease will stay with me forever.

Left behind
Left alone
Left to worry
Left to run
Left to hide
Left to disrespect
Left confused
Left to be abused
Left to be forgotten
Left in the darkness
Left in silence
Left in distress
Left to be trapped
Left to cry,
& drown in tears which fall from the eyes.