I am
alive,
writing poetry,
bathing,
listening to music.
Sinking.

To all the religious people
just waiting to
comment on
my
statuses
about how much
"god loves you, but your wrong".
Just get the *******.

I am not okay but I have to act like it's all fine. I'm so tired and lonely and I just want somebody that I can call up at two in the morning and go get coffee with. I wish I was pretty enough and smart enough and funny enough. But I'll never be enough. I hate myself. So so much and I just want it to stop.

Happiness doesn't have to be
complicated.
Nice weather
Getting to eat
Not self harming today
Family, especially those that we choose
Technology
I don't know.
I'm in a hopeful
mood.
And I'm realizing that while looking at the big picture,
life looks ******.
But when I break it down, just look at today.
I had a **** good day.

I'm in
English class and I'm supposed
to be
reading some
story
about Sir Gawain,
but I think
that poetry
and
music
is teaching me
more.

I don't want to
have
to be strong
for my
sisters.
I can't do it all the
time.
And who's being strong for
me?
And who's listening to me when I
cry?

I miss my mom.
The one I never had.

I used to say
you felt
like
"coming home".
That's all I ever wanted.
A home.
So what am I
supposed to do
when it's been ripped
away
from me.
When you passed out
the
eviction
notice.
I told you.
"Everybody leaves. I make everyone leave."
I've lived in over 20 houses.
How could I think
this one might actually be
a
home.

It's hard and easy to have a heart that feels so
much.
I fall in love with a snap of fingers.
I want to run outside and dance in the rain.
Get soaked to the bones.
I think I'm going to head to the park tonight.
Swing until the rhythmic patterns calm my ever shaking heart.
I'll eat toast and jam.
Write poetry.
Pray for love.
The wind is blowing outside.
It is both calling me and pushing me away.
Is that what others think I do?

Shreds of doubt. Can't you just see it? A paper called hope going through the shredder until it turns to doubt, lying in the trash can.
Sometimes it's not that things don't work out.
Sometimes it's not that we fall out of love.
Sometimes it's not that we fail a test.
Or forget to dream.
Or lose ourselves.
Sometimes it's just that we let doubt in.
We just let it seep into our thoughts and our actions and our lives. And doubt, it kills more than failure does.
Once hope is shredded no amount of duck tape or super glue will bring it back. It's gone. So hold it close.

I have black shoes.
I bet they look like
someone elses.
Isn't it weird,
how,
everyone is interconnected?
Isn't it insane
that maybe
I've already met you...

I took a shower this morning but no matter how hard I scrub the bad won't come off of me.

Hey?
Anybody?
Wanna cuddle and cry and read poems and drink tea?
Wanna be happy and sad?
Wanna be together?
I'm so tired of being alone.
What about you?

When I was little and in a private school we memorized this verse one time. Something about how if you hate your brother than you can’t love god and so I refused to use the word hate. Not even when we were supposed to say it in the verse. Funny now, because I use it pretty often. I hate him and her and mostly me. I swore to never drink. Ya know. Growing up with an alcoholic dad and all, but I broke that too. Lots. And I kind of get why he does it. It’s like when you’re in a fog or on a **** ton of pills or you get tired of feeling nothing but one emotion and you just want to be different. My mom sat at the kitchen table one day with a knife against her arm and I remember never being more scared. No that’s a lie. I was more scared the day she wouldn't wake up. But I promised that I would never be like her. I’m not. But sometimes, I am. People are so fickle. We promise and we swear and we believe. But it’s so silly because those things we don’t know what we mean. We don’t see all the baseballs that life is throwing in our face and we know that those bumper stickers, “Be who you wanted to be five years ago” are terrifying, because that self would ******* hate us, but they wouldn't say the word hate and they wouldn't drown their not-hate in a bottle of beer and they wouldn't try so **** hard. It’s ridiculous. When I was little I knew lots. I knew that hate and beer and mean mommys were bad, but I didn't know that sometimes they were good. That sometimes they are liberating. And that maybe, my five-year ago-self would hate me, but I think my right-now-self would think my old me is a dumb naive *****.

I want to go
eat milkshakes and
forget about
the world.

Crumpled
Broken
Fragments
Used
****
*****
Heaven
Just love me

Do you know what it is to
silently wail?
To scream, pushing open
your lips until the world knows you are
mourning, but
absolutely no sound comes out.
To shake and shiver and have tears
roll onto your neck.
But no whimpering. No shows.
And you scream so
loudly.
But its all in your head. Because they
don't understand. That
*******. I'm a poet and I cry
every time I use the bathroom
at school. You just don't
listen.

How can
you not
care?
After everything,
you just
throw it all
away?

Yesterday I had my heart
ripped apart
stomped on
shattered till there was
nothing left.
Last night I cut my leg.
And I miss him tonight.
and i miss him tonight.
I know loneliness is a part if life
but
I just want that part to
end for
a little
bit.

Why do
I
keep believing
you?

Lie to me.

Say that you
Want me
Need me
Love me.

I'm not feeling enough.
The razor is too dull.
The sleep is too short.

Maybe your lies will be strong enough.

I am gluing my eyes
shut
with mascara and tears.
I can't bear to see you strive to not see me
and to
look at her.
I am bruised and I feel so
stupid.
I should have known.
I should have known.

I keep reading these poems
about love,
fresh love, new love, true love.
But all I can think about
is how
sad, beautiful, heartbroken
these poems will be
when that
love
ends.

I don't like it
when the cold from the outside
seeps
into
my heart.

I'm so scared of so much. Of life, of love. I let this fear get to me and then I end up doing nothing, being nothing. I want to be brave and adventurous and **** and carefree and while I may be able to pretend, I'm not really. I'm not any of those things and I hate it. I hate myself. I'm trying to better myself. My school attendance has gone up, I've been cleaning, I think I got the job I interviewed for. It's not enough. That's the problem. I push myself so much that I'll never be good enough. I'll never pass the bar, cross the finish line. And the sad thing is, I think I like it that way. It's not that I don't want to be an A+ human being, it's that I know I don't deserve to be one. And so everything is only okay. Sure, I cleaned the house last night, but eww, look at that. Such a **** up. Wow, you got 2 hearts on that poem. And you call yourself a writer. Wannabe loser. Didn't go to school today? How do you ever expect to go to college? Failure, dumb, *****, ****. I don't even know how I would deal if I loved instead of hated myself. I think that's why I date losers. They magnify the fact that I'm worthless, not good enough. It's terrible, but it's my life and that's that. But doesn't it make me mediocre for not trying harder to change it? And if I do try and change then I don't make it good enough. It's a cycle.

It's always hardest
when
I'm counting the hours
until
daylight.

I almost texted you today on my sisters phone pretending to be her
I realized that you are the best liar I have ever seen and that makes me love you more.
I miss you I miss you I miss you.
And my heart will not stop screaming your name into my brain.

When
most people find out
that someone
they like
has feelings for them too
they are
happy.
They smile.
I'm crying.
I cry.
Because it doesn't matter.
I can never say yes

If I cut you
out
of
my
life.
Then sorry, but I'm not sorry.

Today I look up one way tickets on the greyhound and think about

dissapearing.

When I hear the shower running after dinner and know that my sister is throwing up
2. Realizing that I am alone and I can't run forever
3. Knowing that I'm never gonna be good enough
4. There are other people hurting and it can't be stopped
5. I'm Giving Up On You by It's a Big World
6. Poetry
7. My parents
8. Seeing him and knowing that it's not him I want, just love
9. I don't know if I'm strong enough
10. Everybody leaves

I live with my sister's boyfriend and my sister.
I'm thankful to have a place
to stay.
But sometimes, when they get so
cutesy I want to
cry and scream and yell.
I want it too.

Time
Ticks
It goes
fast
and slowly.
Life is short
or is it long?
A minute,
an hour,
a year
can pass
in the blink of an eye.
Please live it to the fullest.
Don't fall asleep.
You might wake up
and find that all this
was a dream.

Its such a
slippery *****.
Cutting
didn't
make me feel
much better. And
yet. I'm wanting
to do it
again

Somedays
it all gets too
much.
The glue won't hold my insides together.
The string that patched up my heart unravels.
Sometimes we just break.
And we say yes to those things we once left behind.
And I'm not saying it's okay.
I just
understand
that sometimes in order to go
forward
we have to take a step
back.

Sitting here with my
phone,
laptop,
Smirnoff.
Waiting for everyone to go
to bed.
Ready to bathe and write and not-sleep.
Ready for it all to
go away.

I am alone.
I am
alone.
Rescue me. No amount of
indie live songs and
ice cream.
New girl. Popcorn. Sleep.
I am still
alone.
I don't want to live like this anymore.
Pretend to want me. I am
begging you. Take
advantage of me. Please.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I  am alone. And no amount of anything
will
change that.

Sometimes what pains me
the most
is knowing that no matter what,
whether I allow myself to have what I want or give it up for others,
nobody is going to be
satisfied.

It's one of those days
where
I need
a pint of Ben and Jerrys
my blanket
laptop
something to cuddle with.
It's one of those days
where
I need
to be alone.
There's no one
to be
with

I woke up this morning and
all my thoughts
vibrated and repeated and spun.
And an alien had pushed wire into the
center
of my
brain and was stabbing
harder.
And I tried not to panic
And I tried not to think
I remembered how you would get angry
It was just another sign of my craziness, right?
Well, guess what?
This morning, I dealt with it. No panic attack.
By myself

As we
sleep
you whisper
I love you
to her

I saw you today
I
hate
you.
Why did we meet?
I wish I hadn't
I wish I hadn't
met you.

I am standing atop
a
parking garage.
I am a whirlwind.
I am lightening.
I am thunder.
If I jump
off.
Will I float?
Or will the weight of everything
make me sink.

I don't want to sleep alone
tonight.
I don't want to have dreams for two
in a bed with just
one.

I dreamed about
you
and I didn't want
to wake
up.

I don't think in
thoughts.
I think in
poetry.

I'mcryingandicantstopandidontwanttostopandimstotiredanditsclosing­inonmethedarknessisclosinginandijustwantyoutolovemeandijustwantso­mebodytolovemeandwhydontthey
why dont they
why
why
why
dont they

I'm crying
as I sing
songs that I
know
will never come true
in my
****** up
life.

For some reason,
recently,
I've been missing him to the point of
exhaustion.
The thing is, I know
that I don't want to go back.
But what am I supposed to do when forward
is invisible
and the
right-now
is so
hopeless.
Love looks so far away and I'm wishing to bring it
closer. Only
wishing.
I'm too
broken-hearted to go out and
get it. But it's
screaming at me
to
stop
stop
stop
pushing it farther while wishing it closer.
"You can't have both"
it whispers. And I,
I
cry.

I slept with a guy last night
that i
started talking to
yesterday afternoon.
I am beginning to
realize
that I need
heartbreak
pain
passion.
Not this game that two
disconnected souls
play
as they grasp desperately
at
trying to
feel.