This guy is talking to me and he seems great and he just called me cute and he likes the poem I let him read but I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend.

I am
alive,
writing poetry,
bathing,
listening to music.
Sinking.

I used to say
you felt
like
"coming home".
That's all I ever wanted.
A home.
So what am I
supposed to do
when it's been ripped
away
from me.
When you passed out
the
eviction
notice.
I told you.
"Everybody leaves. I make everyone leave."
I've lived in over 20 houses.
How could I think
this one might actually be
a
home.

I almost said I meant it.
I meant it. I do like you.
But you
you are a moonlight night hidden behind clouds. Barely seen for the beauty. Always seen for the hiding.
And I
I am a song sung while crying at midnight.
And man. I swear to god.
The moon is shining bright where I can see it.
And it doesn't know but I think its beautiful. Oh its beautiful.
"Come on skinny love." My voice
shakes.

I find it strange, the time period from loving to not loving, missing to not missing, someone.

I've only begun to miss you again recently. A few days ago. But ****. My heart has been craving you.

I have dreams where we're together. I have fantasies where ours hips are pressed into one motion. Where your lips encompass mine and I fall into them.

I see these pictures that your girlfriend puts in facebook and I hate her. And I hate you. And I love you.

I guess this makes sense. We both liked each other from the beginning of last school year. We kissed in November and said bye in December. And for months we were fine but I miss May.

In months will this happen again? And worse would I let it? I love you. I miss you. I miss you.

I have black shoes.
I bet they look like
someone elses.
Isn't it weird,
how,
everyone is interconnected?
Isn't it insane
that maybe
I've already met you...

I took a shower this morning but no matter how hard I scrub the bad won't come off of me.

Shreds of doubt. Can't you just see it? A paper called hope going through the shredder until it turns to doubt, lying in the trash can.
Sometimes it's not that things don't work out.
Sometimes it's not that we fall out of love.
Sometimes it's not that we fail a test.
Or forget to dream.
Or lose ourselves.
Sometimes it's just that we let doubt in.
We just let it seep into our thoughts and our actions and our lives. And doubt, it kills more than failure does.
Once hope is shredded no amount of duck tape or super glue will bring it back. It's gone. So hold it close.

Crumpled
Broken
Fragments
Used
****
*****
Heaven
Just love me

Hey?
Anybody?
Wanna cuddle and cry and read poems and drink tea?
Wanna be happy and sad?
Wanna be together?
I'm so tired of being alone.
What about you?

I just got back from vacation and I was sad. Yes sad to be home but when I got into town and saw the lights from the fair I thought maybe this won't be so bad.

And I said goodbye to my friend and her mom and my sister and I put my bags on my shoulders and my purse on my neck and I said love you love you love you. I didn't cry.

And I saw my friend. The one I almost like that I live with. He didn't ask how it was. He said hi or something. One word. And I went to the shower.

And I am laying down and the loneliness is hitting me and I still haven't technically cried. No. Now its starting and I'm crying and there is poetry and music but I am lonely.

Already. Not even an hour. I want to go back. I want it to rain. I want him to knock on my door and say hey want to hang out and I want more people to like me. Vacation liked me yet real life does not.

It's hard and easy to have a heart that feels so
much.
I fall in love with a snap of fingers.
I want to run outside and dance in the rain.
Get soaked to the bones.
I think I'm going to head to the park tonight.
Swing until the rhythmic patterns calm my ever shaking heart.
I'll eat toast and jam.
Write poetry.
Pray for love.
The wind is blowing outside.
It is both calling me and pushing me away.
Is that what others think I do?

I want to go
eat milkshakes and
forget about
the world.

Do you know what it is to
silently wail?
To scream, pushing open
your lips until the world knows you are
mourning, but
absolutely no sound comes out.
To shake and shiver and have tears
roll onto your neck.
But no whimpering. No shows.
And you scream so
loudly.
But its all in your head. Because they
don't understand. That
*******. I'm a poet and I cry
every time I use the bathroom
at school. You just don't
listen.

Why do
I
keep believing
you?

I am gluing my eyes
shut
with mascara and tears.
I can't bear to see you strive to not see me
and to
look at her.
I am bruised and I feel so
stupid.
I should have known.
I should have known.

When I was little and in a private school we memorized this verse one time. Something about how if you hate your brother than you can’t love god and so I refused to use the word hate. Not even when we were supposed to say it in the verse. Funny now, because I use it pretty often. I hate him and her and mostly me. I swore to never drink. Ya know. Growing up with an alcoholic dad and all, but I broke that too. Lots. And I kind of get why he does it. It’s like when you’re in a fog or on a **** ton of pills or you get tired of feeling nothing but one emotion and you just want to be different. My mom sat at the kitchen table one day with a knife against her arm and I remember never being more scared. No that’s a lie. I was more scared the day she wouldn't wake up. But I promised that I would never be like her. I’m not. But sometimes, I am. People are so fickle. We promise and we swear and we believe. But it’s so silly because those things we don’t know what we mean. We don’t see all the baseballs that life is throwing in our face and we know that those bumper stickers, “Be who you wanted to be five years ago” are terrifying, because that self would ******* hate us, but they wouldn't say the word hate and they wouldn't drown their not-hate in a bottle of beer and they wouldn't try so **** hard. It’s ridiculous. When I was little I knew lots. I knew that hate and beer and mean mommys were bad, but I didn't know that sometimes they were good. That sometimes they are liberating. And that maybe, my five-year ago-self would hate me, but I think my right-now-self would think my old me is a dumb naive *****.

How can
you not
care?
After everything,
you just
throw it all
away?

I don't like it
when the cold from the outside
seeps
into
my heart.

Lie to me.

Say that you
Want me
Need me
Love me.

I'm not feeling enough.
The razor is too dull.
The sleep is too short.

Maybe your lies will be strong enough.

Yesterday I had my heart
ripped apart
stomped on
shattered till there was
nothing left.
Last night I cut my leg.
And I miss him tonight.
and i miss him tonight.
I know loneliness is a part if life
but
I just want that part to
end for
a little
bit.

I want someone to look at me the way the sky looks at the earth.
And I want to be talked to the way Jack White sings.
And I want to be loved the way my voice breaks when I read poetry.
And when you take me into your arms and when you break my bones with your words and when I explode in the heat of your touch, I love you.

I keep reading these poems
about love,
fresh love, new love, true love.
But all I can think about
is how
sad, beautiful, heartbroken
these poems will be
when that
love
ends.

Today I look up one way tickets on the greyhound and think about

dissapearing.

I'm so scared of so much. Of life, of love. I let this fear get to me and then I end up doing nothing, being nothing. I want to be brave and adventurous and **** and carefree and while I may be able to pretend, I'm not really. I'm not any of those things and I hate it. I hate myself. I'm trying to better myself. My school attendance has gone up, I've been cleaning, I think I got the job I interviewed for. It's not enough. That's the problem. I push myself so much that I'll never be good enough. I'll never pass the bar, cross the finish line. And the sad thing is, I think I like it that way. It's not that I don't want to be an A+ human being, it's that I know I don't deserve to be one. And so everything is only okay. Sure, I cleaned the house last night, but eww, look at that. Such a **** up. Wow, you got 2 hearts on that poem. And you call yourself a writer. Wannabe loser. Didn't go to school today? How do you ever expect to go to college? Failure, dumb, *****, ****. I don't even know how I would deal if I loved instead of hated myself. I think that's why I date losers. They magnify the fact that I'm worthless, not good enough. It's terrible, but it's my life and that's that. But doesn't it make me mediocre for not trying harder to change it? And if I do try and change then I don't make it good enough. It's a cycle.

When
most people find out
that someone
they like
has feelings for them too
they are
happy.
They smile.
I'm crying.
I cry.
Because it doesn't matter.
I can never say yes

Time
Ticks
It goes
fast
and slowly.
Life is short
or is it long?
A minute,
an hour,
a year
can pass
in the blink of an eye.
Please live it to the fullest.
Don't fall asleep.
You might wake up
and find that all this
was a dream.

I almost texted you today on my sisters phone pretending to be her
I realized that you are the best liar I have ever seen and that makes me love you more.
I miss you I miss you I miss you.
And my heart will not stop screaming your name into my brain.

Sitting here with my
phone,
laptop,
Smirnoff.
Waiting for everyone to go
to bed.
Ready to bathe and write and not-sleep.
Ready for it all to
go away.

I am alone.
I am
alone.
Rescue me. No amount of
indie live songs and
ice cream.
New girl. Popcorn. Sleep.
I am still
alone.
I don't want to live like this anymore.
Pretend to want me. I am
begging you. Take
advantage of me. Please.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I  am alone. And no amount of anything
will
change that.

I live with my sister's boyfriend and my sister.
I'm thankful to have a place
to stay.
But sometimes, when they get so
cutesy I want to
cry and scream and yell.
I want it too.

It's one of those days
where
I need
a pint of Ben and Jerrys
my blanket
laptop
something to cuddle with.
It's one of those days
where
I need
to be alone.
There's no one
to be
with

If I cut you
out
of
my
life.
Then sorry, but I'm not sorry.

When I hear the shower running after dinner and know that my sister is throwing up
2. Realizing that I am alone and I can't run forever
3. Knowing that I'm never gonna be good enough
4. There are other people hurting and it can't be stopped
5. I'm Giving Up On You by It's a Big World
6. Poetry
7. My parents
8. Seeing him and knowing that it's not him I want, just love
9. I don't know if I'm strong enough
10. Everybody leaves

Somedays
it all gets too
much.
The glue won't hold my insides together.
The string that patched up my heart unravels.
Sometimes we just break.
And we say yes to those things we once left behind.
And I'm not saying it's okay.
I just
understand
that sometimes in order to go
forward
we have to take a step
back.

As we
sleep
you whisper
I love you
to her

Sometimes what pains me
the most
is knowing that no matter what,
whether I allow myself to have what I want or give it up for others,
nobody is going to be
satisfied.

I don't want to sleep alone
tonight.
I don't want to have dreams for two
in a bed with just
one.

I saw you today
I
hate
you.
Why did we meet?
I wish I hadn't
I wish I hadn't
met you.

I miss my mom.
The one I never had.

I woke up this morning and
all my thoughts
vibrated and repeated and spun.
And an alien had pushed wire into the
center
of my
brain and was stabbing
harder.
And I tried not to panic
And I tried not to think
I remembered how you would get angry
It was just another sign of my craziness, right?
Well, guess what?
This morning, I dealt with it. No panic attack.
By myself

I am standing atop
a
parking garage.
I am a whirlwind.
I am lightening.
I am thunder.
If I jump
off.
Will I float?
Or will the weight of everything
make me sink.

I'm crying
as I sing
songs that I
know
will never come true
in my
****** up
life.

Its such a
slippery *****.
Cutting
didn't
make me feel
much better. And
yet. I'm wanting
to do it
again

It's always hardest
when
I'm counting the hours
until
daylight.

I dreamed about
you
and I didn't want
to wake
up.

I don't think in
thoughts.
I think in
poetry.

I'mcryingandicantstopandidontwanttostopandimstotiredanditsclosing­inonmethedarknessisclosinginandijustwantyoutolovemeandijustwantso­mebodytolovemeandwhydontthey
why dont they
why
why
why
dont they

You know what I'm tired of? Living in a society where we have to hide. That's all we ******* do and I think that those who swear they don't are faking too. Because look around, ask someone how they are, give a stranger a smile. What you're gonna receive back is called politeness. And that's fake as ****. My sister tells me that she doesn't always get why so many people ask me for advice because I'm so blunt with them and I tell her that's exactly why. People don't know it but we need to be called out. We need somebody who isn't gonna put up with our *******. Sure, I'll tell you if you're being over dramatic or when it's enough, but I'm also gonna give you a hug and let you cry it all out. I'm not gonna judge you for being human and I think people get and appreciate that. They want that. They want truth and bluntness and ******* realness, for god's sake. It gets so exhausting walking around with a smile on your face and bright eyes with unseen tears hidden behind them. Give it up. And see, here's the thing. I'm no better. I'm fake too. I hide behind this ****** facade every day and I don't want to. So I get it, I get why we pretend. And I'm not saying let's all stop immediately, because that's impossible, but let's at least recognize what we're doing. Let's at least let those close to us be real. That's a step. It's a step. Take it.

Yesterday we
had ***
(I wouldn't call it making love yet)
It wasn't amazing.
Didn't blow my mind. Change my world.
But it comforted me. Even in between the "we shouldn'ts".
And I know its at someone's expense.
But that's not how I see it.
It's also at our happiness.