Poetry
Headache
Heartbreak
Fix me
**** me
Bruise me
Abuse me
Love me
Scream
Drown
Bleed
Write
Live
Forget
Die
Go away

I spent days, weeks, months, years
picking the petals off
a flower.
Loves me, loves me not.
I could lie. Say
I never do that anymore,
but I want
to land on a yes.
But it's been 18 years.
And my **** living room floor isn't just
strewn with ******* petals.
No. It's
filled to the ******* rim and it's
spilling out the ******* door.
****. ****. ****.
**** it all!!!!
I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm scared and I'm shaking and I think
I'm trying
not not not
to have a
panic attack.
Please.
What is so wrong with me
that I
never land on a

loves me.

He loved her.



                                                                                                            She loved him too.



                                                  That was enough.

Do they all leave or do I push them?
I say that nobody is dependable that all go at some point.
Look at me.
My mom, an abusive sociopathic ***** and my dad, a narcissistic drunk.
No wonder my love life is sour.
No wonder I don't trust.
I'd rather **** and be done then love and be hurt.
Betrayal.
Do you think it's possible that I'll ever love and not be hurt?
Do I betray others?
I told him. Jordan. I told him at the beginning about me. About how everybody leaves and it's because of me.
But he gave me pinkie promises and listened to me when I cried.
And I maybe lost my virginity to him. And we spent most nights of our year plus relationship together. And then my mom skipped town and he broke up with me.
Why did you guys leave?
I'll be better. I promise. I promise. *******. I promise. Please please please please.  
And I pulled a razor against my skin and I had been good for so long.
Guess I betrayed myself too.
I have the word **** on my wrist. It used to say love.
But that left too.

Yesterday was the day
where
I daydreamed about
you
crawling back to me.
I would say,
"I'm happy. Yeah, I'm sad too, but I'm also happy. And I don't want to give it up."
But.
I'm about to start a *** of coffee.
I don't think I can hold the tears back much longer.
Nope. Now they're falling.
And I.
I'm weak.
I used to want you to hit me. But you never did.
You never did.

Will anyone
ever
love me? And
if they
do
will I be able to
love them back
without
destroying them?

Every guy that I
****
is another reminder that
we are
never
never
never
getting back
together.
And this time.
It's my choosing.