You held me
Like you have held me
Like you do hold me
Like you love me
Like you want to be with me

You kissed my neck
Like you love me
Like you care about me
Like you adore me
Like you want my warmth in your arms

You tell me
Tell all you want is
For me to be happy
For me to smile again
For me to stop making myself bleed
Every night.

But if you close your eyes
And you listen to me
You feel my hand in yours
You listen to what your heart is telling you
You will know

Please know
Despite the fact that you think
Every time you pull me closer
I feel better
I hate myself less,
I feel worse
I know you don't want me
I know you don't love me
I know you are scared of what
I am capable of doing
Capable of doing to myself
Capable of doing to you

You made me want to attack
Peel away all the skin left
Rip out the ****** remains of what used to be
My heart
Bury it in the ground
A place for it to live
Finally settled
Wrapped in white linen blood stained brown

Flashbacks
Your hands on my neck
Lips on my cheek
Fingers interlaced in your hair
A dark room
Moments of perfection
Eyes closed
Losing the moments quicker
Than ice melting

Reality
A punch in the stomach
Gasping for breath
Tears
Stinging in my mouth
Your eyes on my
Wounds
Battle scars
Open
Gaping
Bleeding

You broke down my walls
With a wrecking ball of glass and
Apologies
How many times now?
How many times have you put me though this?
How many times have you lied to me?
How many times have you been the reason for my bleeding arms?
How many times have you held me like a lover
When you didn't love me?
How many?

I am being haunted with flashbacks
Flashbacks of you
And the way you loved me
The way you've tortured me
But
I can't let go
I will never be able to let go.

I remember
Pattering down the stairs
To find the piano shut
A story depicted
Bill is still sleeping
Do not play the piano yet
A rush of dismay
What used to cause dismay
Back when we were young
Back before my actions caused scars to appear
Back then not buying ice cream
Not being able to attack the piano
Was hell...
I had no ******* idea
Now in this day and age
If only I could trade

The full force of the terrible world we live in
Had not yet hit me
Sent me into my pit of depression
My road to drugs and suicide
Haunted by memories
Memories of childhood
Crying over mud on my legs
My toad escaped
Compliments from strangers at the grocery store
Old ladies in yarn stores
Sleepovers with boys
Waiting in the car in silence
For my mom to put away the grocery cart
Running around in the rain
Never wearing long sleeves unless I had to
Saying exactly what came to mind

But now
I lie alone
With cold feet
A pain in my head
And words on the tip of my
Tongue.