Nobody was ever there for me when I broke down, but the razor was always in reach. I'm sorry.
Nobody ever sat there and listened to my problems, but the alcohol helped me drown them.
Nobody ever stayed up with me when I was having panic attacks, but the pills helped lull me to sleep, albeit a restless one.
I know that I'll need to let all of that go but they are always there for me in my times of need

But, truthfully, I think the only reason they don't abandon me like everyone else is because they're inanimate.

It’s funny how these things end
Love stories and happy endings
I’ve never been the sappy romantic
And from the beginning I could have never predicted
These feelings that have grown just for you
A place in my heart that beats uncontrollably
With a ferocity unmatched by any others
Already I know I’ve become the fool to be duped
Sometimes I get scared
Sometimes I get lonely
Sometimes I get confused
And then I remember the day you held me
And you said, “We’ll be okay”
I’ve watched you carry your burdens
You’ve seen me shoulder mine
We’ve not always been the closest of friends
No secret bond to share in the closet of skeletons
No fleeting glances that could be hidden
No secret love that has been written
We’re not Romeo and Juliet
But when you walk by I still find myself smiling
I tell myself I’m not meant to feel
Not like this
And not for you
So I have to lock my heart and thoughts away
To a place where no one may see my dismay
I tried to fight it
Tried to ignore it, pretend like you weren’t right there in front of me
Too afraid to voice my feelings
Too afraid to not be loved
Maybe one day though I’ll find the courage
To live with just being friends
Just talking could be a start
Laughing and joking
I could be okay
Never asking for more
Still I’ll always find myself hoping
In the shadows of the stars
That you’ll grab my hand and smile
Before leaning in to whisper
Will you be mine?

trois cent soixante cinq jours
that have been spent by each and everyone,
blue sky, rain clouds, every where under
                                          the same sun,

the same sun, day in and day out,
rise to set to rise
                         AGAIN.
so dark right now I sit at my desk and
see only me in the reflection of this
window in the co-pilot seat
                    dog at my feet,
she has my back, nose toward the door,
nothing comes in without her noticing
oh where was I,
so many places already have welcomed
                          2014,
so much traffic on the the boulevard,
sirens singing there urgent call,
get to your parties, get off the streets,
be safe, be wary
fire crackers,
fire works, you bet it does,
the stars will never be so close
until they explode above our heads, nearby
next year is nearly here so close, nearby
friends few, family too, nearby,
God bless all of you, nearby
tangle of lives, tangle of signal,
tangle of words, emotions mingle,
oh to be cold to it all then only death, would await nearby
that is not how the old leaves and turn color,
and the new arrives very soon in Yonkers,
which is not very close or nearby,
this year has been an education, by any measure,
these poems all, quatre cent quatre vingt deux
que j'ai ecrit en 2013 has been that pressure,
valve or release and meagre creativity, nearby
close at hand,
to prepare
the soil, to let me toil,
as I wrestle and roil with sentiments
instead of sediment, nearby.  


©DWE122013(finale)

i dont miss you like i used to. it's not there all the time

but when it is there i cannot sleep

he said i felt sad like someone feels sunburnt or frost bitten

like you had somehow smothered me and infected me with your touch

you truly are fire and I have melted beneath you.

I doubt I will freeze again but if it's all the same.

I don't think I want to.

Let me write you a poem, not because I can but because I have to
Your name drips like candy off the tongue, in a world that seems empty of all else your pulse feels like drag racing on a highway.
Put your hands on me.  Bluntly and stop, thinking and start feeling me. Crawling into your bed and holding your head up so I can peer into your mind, to see what I can find.
I want to remind myself of how much I mean to you
and how late nights are form fitting dresses on an anorexic,
Sugar pills given to diabetics.
red markers given to cutters, or braces given to people who stutter.
You, are every if and or but I’ve ever ignored. I implore you to understand me
my nooks and crannys, my would’s, should’s and can be’s.  
I want you like ****** coursing through my veins.
I can’t contain myself.
Skip town on a bus, to find your way into my room on my bed under my sheets, my skin, my heat. Beat me, leave bruises on my thighs so when my lovers see them they have to ask why and I have to hide you, like a drug addiction and bad breath in the morning, you feel like global warming against my skin, when you literally lift me up I’m reminded of how small I am in comparison.
Let me write you a poem, not because I want to but because I’m in love with you.
Had you fooled didn’t I?
Let’s get one thing straight.
I hate the way you make me feel.
I’ve taken too much time to heal these wounds and you remind me that they’re still fresh.
My body feels like it’s in love, I can’t think of anything else when you’re around
except the sound in my own head.
I fell in love with you like a razor blade cuts across fresh skin.
Quickly, and with the malice of a thousand swearing tongues
I found your name on the end of a list too many times to forget.
and I hate it.
Because I never write poems for people I am not in love with.
So forgive me if I can’t come to grips with the idea that I have
fallen for you like a snow storm, like the rain that shatters glass.
Kicking and screaming, on the soft grass.

Let me write you a poem, not because I can, but because I’m afraid that I have to.
If I don’t write these memories down then I might forget you.
and I don’t want to.

You drove me home in the rain.
The tension was driving me insane and i couldn’t withstand the strain of it upon my shoulders.
You should know i respect you way too much to let this go.
I just really need to let you know. That if you don’t i will. So just stop. Stop doing that thing with your mouth where you talk.
Because its hard to kiss you when your opinions getting in the way
Stop. Stop doing that thing with your mind where you lie. Next to me and whisper that I'm worth the risk
Stop, stop doing that thing you do with your eyes. When you see my smile but you know my mind wants to cry.
Stop, stop doing that thing with your hands where you demand attention because the suspension between us is too great and I hate that I'm writing you a poem because I only ever do this to people that I love
And I'm not in love with you. So stop.
Stop doing that thing with your smile. That makes me want to walk a mile just see it sprint across your face.
I don't want a happy ending I want fate
I want a nice smile and a bed mate
Not an intimate promise of tomorrow
I can't stand the distance between us
So I fall on my knees, take me please I'm yours to break and bond. I'm bound to the ground exactly where I was found. So stop.
Stop, stop doing that thing with your ears where you hear what I mean and not what I say.
You make my brain fuzzy, and I can't think
Can't cant. Can't. Can't think straight
I've never felt straighter in my life.
Which causes me no strife other than the fact that I can’t ******* talk to anyone without thinking about your taste and how fast I would surrender to you without haste so just Stop!
Stop that thing you did with your mouth when you talk.
Because its hard to kiss you when you're opinions are getting in the way.

I see it happening in all of the jumps and laughter of the little one,

He has been wronged by so many people and he can’t spell yet,

I can already see the anger and tears in his eyes beneath the smiles and warmth that lies alongside his innocence,

He’s finding outlets that society will judge and he’s already ignoring them when no one’s looking in pursuit to be himself to find heroes in this world who understand and won’t yell and judge,

He feels safe and home and in peace with the surroundings that bore him it is new,

So infatuated with subtleties that he unbeknownst to himself find solitude in joy,

The kid is outrageously confused, figuring things out that I hadn’t till the latter years and it is confusing,

It’s as if you know the future of the child already despite the choices and personality of the frail soul,

You know him in and out and the kid just wants to be a kid, have fun, and surrender to happiness and safety and home,

Well home is mobile, always on the move, home is fatherless with mother selling dope, home is little torturous yells that don’t ring with I Love Yous anymore, home is torn into pieces of I don’t cares, grow ups, and be a man,

Well if you should ever find yourself so unprotected, so delirious in thought that it pains in your gut and you can’t scream out with so much intensity as to bust a balloon with red, then say ok and move on. Say okay and move on,

Repeat the torture only in your head because you don’t have the right to live in abuse, you don’t have the right to be afraid, you don’t have the right to be misunderstood, you don’t have the right to cry yourself to sleep, but it’s okay not to be okay.

The hum of the nightlife
lulls me to sleep
and I wrap my arms
around the cool pillow—
instead of your chest.
Broadway lights twinkle
above my head,
but no one
forms them into constellations with me.
The coffee is great, and
the streets stay exciting,
but there's nobody's hand
to hold as I'm walking.
Manhattan is incredible
and here I am happy,
                                      but the only thing
                                     this city still needs
                                                          i­s you.