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I have not injected myself, felt the pulse
of illegal things under the bonnet of my skin
or swallowed a pill and let the room swirl
in colours from the mid-sixties.

I have not guzzled ugly orange drinks
until my liver aches to talk
and I erupt pints and shots
against ***-coated cubicle walls.

I have not had the awkward first
with one of my teeth knocking on hers
or a line of saliva in my stubble
that I perhaps should have trimmed.

Instead I drink tea with two sugars
and whizz through each channel
rather than absorbing stories for class
as best I can like a square of kitchen roll.

Instead I see streams of people from 20-whatever
take pictures with berries and apples
to remind themselves who they are
and remind me they still breathe.

And instead I write what I don't know
for if not every word burns black then dies
and so I continue to fight the other me
who will not turn, walk back the way I just came.
Written: December 2013.
Explanation: A poem written in my own time inspired by Simon Armitage's 'It Ain't What You Do It's What It Does To You.'
 Dec 2013 Caroline Grace
Balaguer
Dear Father,

Bless her life with every wish her pretty little heart desires,
Give her the best in this lifetime Lord,
I hope You bless her with a husband that has an amount of love,
only mothers carry for their child,
May her tears be bottled up and sent up to heaven,
for double the blessings,
For if she ever is in fear Lord let me feel it,
I will pray and ask that You,
Father,
send angles to protect her,
and make her fearless,
May her walk through life be full of light and never derail into darkness,
May my prayers for her kids and their kids be answered for the blessing,
of her next generation,
May her kisses be cherished and hugs be adored,
Lord,
From deep inside my heart,
I plead that every surprise she receives will be wealthy,
and make her as happy as can be,
Though You have forbid me from ever tasting her flesh again,
I hope You,
O' Lord,
ravish her day by day,
I will be the loudest in Heaven when she arrives Christ,
For her spirit deserves cheers and the loudest round of applause that can exist,
May she never be alone,
but always happy and in companion with the Holy Spirit,  
God,
you know,
If I reminisce two hundred times a day about what we once had,
two hundred times I will bless her soul,
Let her have a life with no worries Father,
You have made her fortunate by much,
She is irreplaceable here on Earth,
An exclusive original sent from You above,
Lord,
this is from deep in my gloom and melancholy heart,
because every single day,
I remember the blessing afternoon we met,
It was a pleasure meeting her Father,
Bless her,
it was a gift,
It was more than what I could have ever asked for Father,
because what I ask for,
is diminutive next to Her.

Amen.

®*K.S
 May 2013 Caroline Grace
OneCorn
I try to let go
I'm so sure

I know what i'm doing
I need to do it

there's no other choice
and yet...

in an instant you've got me in tears
doubting everything

and you didn't even realize
you had me in the palm of your hand

but you hit to hard
and sent me spiraling away

you ruined it all
7 years gone. wasted.

are you happy now?
I'm crying

you've had your final hit
but no more!

you hit too hard
and I won't have someone who just hurts

you act like its a surprise
like I never said anything

when I always told you
could you even hear me?

I cried out for you to stop
and I cried to deaf ears

I should have run so long ago
no one wanted me to stay

but i couldn't let you go
because I thought I needed you to be happy

but you didn't make me happy
you made me feel stupid,wrong,idiotic, but never happy. Not anymore.

I begged for you to stop
we didn't need to fight

we didn't need anymore more pain
but you couldn't stop yourself

so you call me weak
and I call you pathetic

and no one is left unscarred
because you can't stop

you have to win
and you don't care who you hurt

so when your all alone
than you can always win

but will that really make you happy?
I hope it does

I know you think we're all out to get you
but I just want you to be happy

I just want you to be happy
in a way that doesn't hurt me

is that too much to ask?
I'm there just where air's supposed to be
That place where no one can see
Where my smiles and tears don't make a
Penny's worth of difference
To any one around me

I'm there just where noise is supposed to be
That place where no one can hear
Where my laughter and screams of pain
Are drowned in the deafening roar
I'm there, standing next to you
Unkempt and unheard

I'm there just where darkness is
Where no light of the world
Can brighten up my day
I'm there standing behind of you
Just out of sight
You sense me,
You know I'm there

But you'll choose to ignore me
For who wants to be seen
Talking to a man
Who has no present, future or history....
I dreamt that I'd tell you,
  I dreamt I'd convince you.
I dreamt you would love me
and I too would love you.
I dreamt of perfection,
a dream so romantic.
I dreamt you would smile
and carefully panic.
I dreamt you would hug me.
  I dreamt we would both see,
together we're better -
  I dreamt you weren't choosy.
I dreamt up the ways
of how I could tell you.
I dreamt up bouquets
and a time and place too.
I dreamt that I told you.
  I dreamt that I could do.
I dreamt that it happened.
  I dreamt of a breakthrough.

instead i told you
at 3am   drunk   on facebook
*and i took it back the next morning
The pain hurts less than regret.
 Jun 2012 Caroline Grace
OneCorn
I was crying
when I called
you didn't ask
you knew what to do
wait until I'm too tired
to think straight
but you didn't ask
why I called you up
why I relapsed
because you didn't think
do you ever
you didn't care
If I was okay
as long as I still look good
except you know my secrets
you know there's more than a pretty face
you've known my pain, tears, depressions
my last resort
when I can't take the pain
but my blood stained sleeves
are my problem
right?
no complications
like caring

your job is to protect yourself
and you do it well
too well
 Jun 2012 Caroline Grace
OneCorn
I can act like I'm fine
it's so easy
throw around meaningless words
just say what they want to hear

than I see you
my heart tightens
I can't breathe
I want to run

you stand there
I can't even hold your gaze
so I look around you
anything to focus on

because if our eyes meet
you'll see through me
how your name is permanently stuck in my head
and I torture myself trying to get it out

my hands grasp air
as if searching
for something
anything to hold me up

I can't stop scanning your friends
their faces looking for a grin a snicker
did you tell them
did you sit around joking about me?

Do they all know?
have you convinced them I'm stalking you
told them my secrets
laugh at how I trusted you

I'm still smiling
my mask holds up
refusing to crack
though inside I'm crushed

I won't let you win
I'll always stand strong
even if its all a lie
I'll always smile

I can't let you win
you can't have that satisfaction
if I have hold on to it
into my coffin

As you look away
and I can breathe again
As you walk away
and I can move again

and once again
my world is mine
Trust that I'll be your dreamcatcher
Put your life in the handsof a master
Forever in your dreams at night
Remind you everything is alright
Laying down, eyes shut to the world
Drifting on a cloud to a girl
Her eyes soft as they rest  on mine
Lost in this forever moment of time.
The universe pushing us together
we seem light as feathers
Holding tight so not to fall
Then the inevitable call
One day my eyes will clear
And release me from fear
So open your mind
Find the time
and let me be your Dreamcatcher.
Missing you, my day begins
like black coffee
bitter and acidic
without the soothing cream of your presence

But I will forget you
as the footsteps I create
on the beach sands are washed away
by the rising tide, forever cleansing what was

I will forget you
I will learn to enjoy the numbness of solitude
At first it is bracing
as the arctic current
washing over my hot feet
on a cloudless summer day

I will forget you
and learn to crave the solitude
as I begin to seek the coolness and clarity
of the freezing water of my aloneness
being mesmerized by gold glittering sands as they wash back to the bay
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