I have come to realize that I love my life
I no longer want to die
I look on the bright side of things
Even during the dark times

*-c.a.

My life is a roller coaster.
                          up
                                and
                                        d
                      ­                        o
                                                   w
                                                         n
I can't decide which,
                          s i d e to s i d e
which way am I going to turn next.
It takes me upside down
It makes my heart spin
It turns me around
Crash
Looks like I've hit a dead end.

*-c.a.

Slipping in and out of consciousness
Nausea is back, hold on a sec
I run to the room to spew my troubles
Hoping that this will be the last
I venture back to my room
Back on my bed
Trying to get comfortable
Before having to get up again

*-c.a.

I'm so tired that my soul aches for sleep
I walk straight but with weak knees
I'm surprised I made it this far
Traveling with sleepy eyes and cold feet
I'll reach my destination a little later than the rest
When I get there my heart will be put to the test
When I return there'll be no one left to meet me

I'm so tired that my soul prays for sleep.

*-c.a.

I was just about to give up on seeing anyone remotely attractive,
when I spied the best looking guy.

Every morning was painful,
to see his beautiful face and to know
that there was a slim to none chance that he would ever like someone like me.

*-c.a.

I want to arrange the alphabet in so many different ways, just to bring a smile to your face.

*-c.a.

AND I DON’T EVER WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME AND I KNOW THAT MAYBE YOU DON’T WANT ME RIGHT NOW BUT I NEED YOU BAD, SO AT 3 AM WHEN YOU’RE ALONE AND YOU’RE THINKING SAD THOUGHTS I WANT YOU TO THINK HAPPY ONES INSTEAD, SO AT 8 AM I CAN TELL YOU ALL THE REASONS WHY I’M HAPPY YOU’RE NOT DEAD. *

*-c.a.

How am I supposed to work on my posture when the bag on my back that contains my future is 15 pounds too much and is weighing me down.
my bag is filled with all the things I need to succeed, mostly with books and pencils but hardly any mental stability
How am I supposed to keep my head held high when they tell me to keep my nose down and my chin up, my eyes open and my mind shut.
I can't keep my head up high because that's rude and because I'm supposed to yield to other people's opinions as if they were true
How am I supposed to be strong when the strong get shut down and the weak is admired; strong is intimidating and weak is desired.
my body aches from the lack of food because being too big is too bad and being too small is always too good
Pale is beautiful and fair but tan, calloused hands are deemed ugly and bad.
my skin is pale because I never leave the house, school ***** and people stare too much;
my hands are calloused from all this writing because apparently expressing thoughts on paper is considered a type of knowledge

*-c.a.

like the shock of electricity sent through your veins
a murmur went through the hallway
a phrase composed of several words was being forced out of everyone's lips
almost as if they didn't get them out there would be no room for air to come in
and if you can imagine the soulless look of vultures feeding
imagine the look of teenagers seeding
thoughts of you to others that aren't true but who knows except you
only you can verify the fact that you are the one that tried to attack
the monsters in your head by going through your wrist
or maybe by opening a door to your head with a bullet as a key
but these teenagers are ruthless, no they wont stop
they'll find some way to pick off all the meat
get to the nitty gritty, find the bone and just leave
for ***** sake why do they just leave
help why am I scared of people like me

*-c.a.

In second grade,
My mom made me wear dresses everyday.
My mom would part my hair down the middle and make two long braids with colorful hair ties.
I would go to school and the boys would make fun of my dresses.
The boy that sat behind me would pull my braids anytime I said something smart.

In fourth grade,
I told my mom I could dress myself, but she still had to approve of every outfit.
I told my mom I was old enough to style my own hair.
I would go to school and the boys would make fun of my weight instead of my clothes.
The boy that sat behind me would sit next to me and call me names for being the stupid one in smart classes.

In seventh grade,
I told my mom that I didn't care what she thought.
I cut my long hair shoulder length.
I started wearing dark makeup.
The boys didn't make fun of my weight but they would ask me out as a joke.
The boy that sat behind me and then next to me, liked me and texted me every night saying how pretty I was.

In the ninth grade,
My mom wasn't awake to see what I wore to school.
I regretted the very day I decided to cut my hair.
The boys that called me fat; left me alone because they found someone bigger to pick on.
The boy that sat behind me asked me for a naked picture and I said no.
He called me a fat, ugly, ***** and never talked to me again.

In the tenth grade,
My mom borrowed my clothes and I borrowed hers.
My hair fell out but I wanted it to grow.
Boys no longer call me fat because they never saw me eat.
And the boy that sat behind me wanted me back.
I cried myself to sleep and hid my wrists in my sleeve.

It's funny how many things changed since the second grade.

*-c.a.

The healing process is complex
It takes time and patience with the hope of success
When fixing something broken you may get hurt in the process
But don't stray away
Stay awhile
The sun always comes out after the rain
Please be my sun
while I pour,
pour,
pour,
and then drain.

*-c.a.

I've been spending a lot of time on tumblr so it got me thinking a lot about who I am and who I'm becoming.

I've learned that wearing certain clothes because everyone one else wears them or because someone will like them is pointless because you will feel uncomfortable.

I've learned that piercings and tattoos are a personal preference and that it's your body so you should be able to feel free to express yourself.

I've learned that love is love no matter what.

I've learned that things over the internet can hurt you and feel just as real as in real life.

I've learned that a mental diseases and mental disorders doesn't mean you have to be treated differently as a person but it also doesn't mean you need for help should go unnoticed.

But the most important thing, in my opinion, that I've learned that by being yourself is the only way to true happiness.

*-c.a.

you make me feel uncomfortable in the best way because there are butterflies in every part of me and only you can set them free and I can't really explain what you do to my heart except that it goes from oh hey how you doing to OH HEY ASDFGHJKL HOW YOU DOING in less than 2.5 seconds and I don't really know how I feel about you, all that I know is that I feel everything about you and there are a thousand and one reasons why you shouldn't fall in love with me but I hope that you ignore every single one.

Why is time considered an accurate measure of love when you can
love someone with all you heart for one year
but then slowly as time goes by they no longer love you

*-c.a.

we don't talk anymore
i don't really know why
we just kinda stopped trying
i guess it was too good to be true
and all good things come to an end.

*-c.a.

I am a part of a fallen generation.
The generation that takes pride in their pain.
We don't let it stray too far, we keep it just at bay.
It is very common to have hatred for ourselves more than others.
People are wishing to be dead because the world is too heavy for our fragile shoulders.
Constant headaches because our heads are expanding at a rapid rate
and we will try to stand tall no matter how much our knees quake.
There is no gain without pain or so they told us.
See we've grown accustomed to the constant nagging of our sub conscious desires, a raging battle between reasons to live and reasons to expire.

*-c.a.

What do you do when you've met someone but you haven't physically?

What do you do when that someone loves you?

What do you do when that someone asks if you love them?

Do you say yes and lead them on because you've never met?

Or do you say no because you've never met?

So then tell me what to do when you say "i love you" to that person but then realize you didn't mean to?

Do you cease conversations in hopes that they'll forget about you?

Or do you continue conversations and slowly rip their heart out bit by bit?


What do you do?

*-c.a.

One morning I awoke to my father telling me that he didn't love my mother any less than yesterday and that it was not her fault.
He told me that relationships are fragile things and that they can complicate life but they also make it so much better.
He said not to judge her nor myself for it will be all in vain.
Time would be better spent focusing on the positives instead of the negatives.
He told me to live a simple life and to look for the good in people.

*-c.a.

Words are powerful,
so choose them carefully.

Words are your fate,
sentences to your destiny.

but the lies you tell
make up the spiderweb of your life.

Spin a web of lies and catch some flies
Flies are friends and foes.
So be careful and watch your nose.

*-c.a.

I have this uncomfortable taste in my mouth and you put it there.
With your smooth words and sly lips,
your cunning eyes and devils stare;
you were no good from the moment we first met.
Yet I deceived myself to believe that I could make you fall in love with me.
Because I have legs that could go on for miles if you dared to take them for a walk and hair that you love to twirl around your finger but it's like my net of affections so you try not to get caught.
And I just wanted you to know that you are my 3 am thoughts.
When I am laying in bed clutching at my chest wondering if that smile earlier was for me; when I am laying in bed wondering why that girl and not me.
But see I should have known better because there is always a catch, if it's too good to be true then it most likely is and nothing good ever lasts.

*-c.a.

It was at 4 am that you told me humans need at least 6 hours of sleep to function properly.

I didn't sleep that day and neither did you.

6 months later and I saw you again. We talked. You told me you've been getting 7 hours of sleep and I told you that I'm lucky if I get 2.  

*-c.a.

Dream on dreamer
Accomplish what is needed
Go on with life
Live like you should
But be careful of the storms

Keep out of the way
Hold on tight
I think we're going for a ride

Death holds you by the reigns
And life pulls you along
When everything changes
Nothing can be wrong

Magic in the air
Fire in our hearts
This is a revolution
Don't try and stop us now.

*-c.a.