I don’t want to focus on the feelings of those left behind…not now, not tonight.
I think that life leaves your lungs first and your eyes last...
How does that old saying go:
                                                        'The Eyes are the Windows to the Soul'
Maybe that’s why life leaves last through your eyes. The soul leaves your body and then there is no life left in your eyes. And after death, once the soul leaves the body, your eyes look glassy and vacant. I find myself wondering; in that moment, right before death, when you KNOW you’re going to die, and there’s no hope of turning back the clock, is there a feeling of peace and acceptance?

I sometimes think my eyes have been vacant and lifeless for years. And even though my heart still beats in my chest, that through the years of abuse, he did **** me – but, now disconnected from my brain, my body just hasn’t realized it yet. And when it finally does…my broken heart will stop beating.

What are you thinking right now, Nita?

I’m thinking I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live.

I’m thinking I should call DT and see if he has openings this week. But I can’t pick up the phone right now. Besides, it’s after 10, so the DT window is now “closed”. So it would only feel like “rejection” if I did call.

I’m not planning to do anything drastic tonight…well that might depend on your definition of drastic.  It’s scary inside my head right now. I don’t know how else to say it. Unusual… it isn’t often that I find myself unable to translate the words inside of my head and put them on paper, even if I’m unable to speak them aloud. I don’t find that to be the case tonight.

Or maybe some things are better left unwritten.

I don't own many dresses
or pairs of shoes
Just a few special dresses
that make me look pretty
and a pair or two, of shoes
sandals for summer
sneakers in Winter
ten times the amount
I could have spent
was spent on you

I troll around a second hand store
because I think I'm unique
because extra funds bring you hope
denying things are bleak

Food on the table
a roof over your head
the latest Xbox game
cable Internet
my birthday laptop
you're insulting me on
Foxtel
112 Channels
While you sit
under a feather blanket
as others in the world
have yet to be fed
Breakfast, Lunch or Dinner

What's that you said?

You don't care what I think?
I don't know what it's like?
I'm destroying  your sense
of adventure?

Why don't you twist the knife?

Disrespected for my opinion
when you're green as new grass
Freedom most certainly is a right
but as all rights, it is earned
don't take what is not asked

I lost a most precious gift
because I could not comprehend
the lessons I was trying to teach
were so hard to defend

I'm not asking you to obey me
because I absolute rule your domain
I'm begging you to heed my wisdom

I have a right to remain

The absolute authority
on Life, an expert on how it unfolds
My body agrees by the strecthmarks
it holds,
My heart agrees in its tightness
to the breath it exhales
My soul exalts in its freedom
to breath trueness to its tales

I'm not just wanting to be a parent
I'm wanting to be a voice
a monument to mistakes made
a whisper of choice
A landmark in uncertain territory
a safe haven in a storm

If you defy Wisdom
from absolute tragedy
I become a useless memory

and I'm nothing but a receptacle
for you teenage angst

I'm am nothing

I am the norm

Blank Stare

No response to the question,
dumbfounded was the impression.
Not one word or even a nod,
just sat there looking odd.
Maybe a cat got the tongue,
from the chair expected a sprung.
Nothing but a blank stare,
it was like no one was there.
Not words heard very often,
maybe tired from exhaustion.
Eyes wouldn't even blink,
soon in it had to sink.
Just frozen like a cube of ice,
said it once, said it twice.
A body just stuck in motion,
like being hypnotized by a potion.
Tried everything but couldn't move,
the condition would not improve.
Not even a gasp for air,
like no oxygen left to spare.
Maybe dead, maybe alive,
not even c.p.r. would revive.
Couldn't see a soul escape,
should be covered by a drape.
Something strange here is happening,
this whole time, I was talking to a mannequin.

i wanted him to miss me
and i mean, i guess he does.
i wanted him to miss me like
how i miss him.
i miss him like how i
miss the stars in the day.
i miss him like how i
miss being a kid.
i miss him like how i
miss disney songs.
i miss him.

he reminds me of how i
am mature but also how
i am a kid. he reminds me of
the stars, and i how i wish to be
near them. i just miss him.

he walked past me this morning
and we shared that knowing look again
but i guess he doesn't miss me enough
to tell me a decent hello.

To All The Girls

To all the girls I've liked before,
I'm gonna be rich, while you stay poor.
None of you would go out with me,
because I was so **** ugly.
You said we could be friends,
you drive a Toyota, while I drive a Mercedes Benz.
To all the girls I've liked before,
I even got turned down by the town *****.
Girls would only use me for a ride,
they took my dignity and my pride.
Sometimes I would just roll the dice,
they always said, I was way to nice.
Now I'm here telling you,
to **** on my creamy goo.
To all the girls I've liked before,
go away, stop banging on my door.
Where were you, when I was young and alone,
out with someone with more muscle tone.
All these girls know who you are,
in my head you left a scar.
Well how do you like me now,
most of you on drugs and look like a cow.
To all the girls I've liked before,
years ago you used to ignore.
Now all of a sudden you all want me,
sorry ******* but my love ain't free.
I have found a girl that loves me a lot,
I do want to thank you for all you taught.

i am fascinated with the unruliness of some girls' hair
the plainness around their eyes
the strangeness of their earrings
the smell of the cigarettes inbetween their fingers

i wonder at their worn brown boots
and slightly crooked teeth
and dry lips
and i think
they are the most beautiful things
i have ever seen
almost untouched
by things that beat me down
like the image of victora's secret underwear
and the world's first super model telling girls their thighs are too fat

i want to be one of those slightly unkempt women
they're like uncaged animals
i want to have what they have

but i am a product of this society
it is too late for me
i am destined to be unsatisfied
forever
i will always hate something about me
even if i don't mean to
i will always wear too much make up
and too low shirts
and preach the mainstream way of life

my fingernails will never be *****.
i will always be merely pretty
i wish i was
interesting