i'm in love
with the idea
of you missing me

im so tired of this
i always feel so small around you
like i don't matter
and sometimes you'll smile at me
or touch me gently
as if to remind you care
but i don't think you really do
because when we're around others
you treat me like i don't exist
and it's agonizingly painful
i won't do it anymore
i can't

sometimes, the easiest
thing to destroy
is yourself

you say you love me,
but you don't even
know me

you may bend me to break me,
but all you create is another fold,
and another reason to hate you

i don't just wanna be in love.
i wanna feel like i've found myself,
everyday for the rest of my life

i shouted from rooftops,
i screamed across oceans,
i bellowed from the top of a mountain,
i made every sound i possibly could,
i yelled until my lungs burned,
yet, you still couldn't hear me say,

*"I'll love you, until my last days."

i like your smile
and how you smell
and how soft your voice is
and maybe no one knows
how i feel about you,
but the wind knows
and the late drives on
stretches of highways
and smiles up at the sky
know

for once in my life,
can i be the girl who finally gets the guy?

once this is over,
and i have no distractions left,
i'll be forced to come to terms
with my biggest fear,


myself

i liked to take the highway home when the weather was warm.

i would roll down all the windows and blast some obscure song by some nameless artist, but i liked it, it made me feel good. i would sing at the top of my lungs and brush the hair that stuck to my face back into my messy ponytail. i would smile as the last licks of the sun cast shadows on my dashboard, and blow past the exit i was supposed to get off at. i felt free on these long stretches of roads, like i could go anywhere and be anybody. nothing felt permanent on the road, nothing was waiting for me, no time was ticking by. i loved it, and i've never loved anything that much.

eventually, i would have to turn around and get off and at each stop light and left turn i felt that freedom diminish. by the time i pulled into my driveway it was gone all together. real life was waiting.

i sat outside under the willow one day,
and saw you walking by.

the blunt hang loosely on your lips,
which i found my gaze drawn to.
they were a bit chapped,
but oh so plump,
and very red.

what would it feel like to have those lips caress my skin?

would i enjoy the ridges made from your teeth pulling at the flesh gently?

would i giggle at their softness grazing my shoulder blade?

would i melt as you whispered ***** secrets into my ear, whilst taking me to another world entirely?

i didn't have to wonder much longer because before i knew it,
your lips touched mine.

i didn't feel sparks though.

instead i felt an overwhelming warmth flushing my cheeks,
and curling my toes,
causing my being to go numb,
in a passionate frenzy.

i think i'm in love.

i think i might actually
be mentally ******* insane.

*****.

i cannot put into words, the suffering i go through trying to get over you.

my heart drops,
literally drops down to my toes,
when you talk to her.

and i'll try with all my might to smile,
but the happy grin gets bullied by my emotions,
and turns into a deep scowl.

i encourage myself not to think about you,
but the dreams sneakily slip past my subconscious,
and i'm completely engulfed in visions of your voice,
or your touch.

it is so hard,
so painstakingly hard,
to get over you,
when every day i look up from my book in literature class,
and see you nonchalantly stroll right in,
while i try to compose the deep thumping in my chest,
you sit down right next to me,
like always,
and smile,
or laugh,
have full conversations,
and share memories,
but never with me.

i wish i could get over you,
but your so intricately wired into my brain,
that you won't be leaving anytime soon.

I wish to get lost in you,
the way you smell like smoke and mint,
the way your laugh resonates off every wall,
the way your eyes change from blue to green,
the way your smile only curves a little,
even the way you look when your sad.

I hope to get lost in you,
so make sure nobody gives me a map.

as much as i tell myself i don't want you,
and that i hate you,
or that we'll never work out,
there's that part of me that's shouting,
"You love him!" on the sidelines.

Having the urge to crumble, but instead trying to stay strong.

Everything seems blurry, until you release the tears you've been holding in.

All the memories come streaming back, forcing you to remember the good times.

Repeating the words, "I don't need you." constantly.

The way you can literally feel that rib-splitting ache in your chest as they say goodbye.

Bonding yourself back together with time.

Reliving all the experiences you've had with them, but this time reminiscing with a smile.

Explaining to a new someone how that old someone broke your heart.

A** moment in time where you look into your new someone's eyes and fall back into passionate love.

Kite flying in the park with that new someone wrapped around you, and the thought of that old someone pushed back into the crevices of your mind.

i hate you.

i can't stand the lies behind your eyes,
and the fact that you can look at me like that.

like everything will be okay,
and that somewhere inside you care.

then, when i need you to look at me
and say i love you.

you look to each of your friends
and laugh in my face.

i will not love someone,
who is afraid to love me.

we stare, but we aren't looking.

we yell, but we're never heard.

we don't listen to what we know is true.

time has no limit,
but youth does.

i keep telling myself that i don't want you,
and that you'd never want me,
but once i finally move on,
i see your face and it's all over.

i'm scared of
drowning in too much space

we tell lies to get the truth,
but when the truth comes out,
we wish it was lies

why do the people we love,
want to love other people?