doing what you want,
and what everyone
else wants is never
the same thing.

vendors shouting prices for the goods they can't afford,
birds singing painful tunes in tribute to the sun,
mothers yelling at their restless children,
still tired from fighting with dad last night,
steam blowing from cracks in the old brick buildings,
stoners taking hits and sharing pipes with kicks,
shooting poison in their veins
and killing their chances of waking up in the morning,
food sizzling and boiling, grilling, cooking , and even broiling,
smells from old shoes, garbage, day-old chinese take out,
dwelling helplessly in the dark abyss also known as the alleyway,
high class women walking proudly in heels,
with cellphones to their ears,
partygoers stumbling in huddles down the street,
reminiscing about last nights rave,
alcohol still in their veins
the sun hasn't yet come up,
but the city never sleeps,
and neither should we

it wasn't meant to end up like this,
but i was sad,
and he was lonely,
and alcohol is nice
for sad and lonely people

"why are you looking at me like that?"

"like what?"

"like you're going to fall in love with me."

"maybe i am."

"no, don't."

"why not?"

"because girls like me fall in love with boys like you, until there isn't any love left to share, and then boys like you leave girls like me."

"isn't that the best part? falling in love again, with a different person? experiencing new things?"

"well, maybe i don't want new things. maybe i want the same thing over, and over again, but it feels new because every time we look at each other its like we meet for the first time."

"i don't know if you'll find that."

"i'm sure as hell i will."

it hurt to hurt,
and watch them hurt,
but we had to hurt,
because if we didn't,
then the hurt wouldn't go away,
and if the hurt didn't go away,
then we'd never stop being hurt,
and it would be a never-ending cycle
of watching them hurt,
while i hurt too.

nothing in this world
could hurt more
than silently watching
the one you love,
love someone else

i wish it was me
you were desperately
trying not to get jealous over

let's put it this way,
am i something real to you,
or just a date outlined in hearts
on your Instagram page

there's only so many steps
you can take
until you reach the top,
but when that's not enough,
you fall off

i cannot put into words, the suffering i go through trying to get over you.

my heart drops,
literally drops down to my toes,
when you talk to her.

and i'll try with all my might to smile,
but the happy grin gets bullied by my emotions,
and turns into a deep scowl.

i encourage myself not to think about you,
but the dreams sneakily slip past my subconscious,
and i'm completely engulfed in visions of your voice,
or your touch.

it is so hard,
so painstakingly hard,
to get over you,
when every day i look up from my book in literature class,
and see you nonchalantly stroll right in,
while i try to compose the deep thumping in my chest,
you sit down right next to me,
like always,
and smile,
or laugh,
have full conversations,
and share memories,
but never with me.

i wish i could get over you,
but your so intricately wired into my brain,
that you won't be leaving anytime soon.

"boys will never love you when you harm yourself. that's disgusting."

well mother,

"men will never love you if you drink yourself into an oblivion, and completely ignore your family. that's disgusting."

the most painful type of love
is the unrequited kind.

then again i rather feel pain than nothing at all..

We only have four years left of piles of homework, annoying teachers, parties that go on until the early morning, making stupid mistakes, not worrying about our futures, and falling stupidly, and whole-heartedly in love. We have four years left of growing up and them that's it, we're grown ups and all the stupid drama that happened in high school will mean nothing, and all the friends and experiences we shared will be memories. Our first lives, and first time will be thoughts in the back of our minds as we go off into the new and uncharted world of college. And all the worries there will be amplified bc it's bigger, and more important than any petty high school or middle school projects. I'm afraid to fail my future, I'm afraid to grow up, and there's only four ******* years left until we have to do that

i think you are like a drug.
when i'm around you there's this
overwhelming sense of calm,
but euphoria at the same time.
you make my emotions a hundred
times stronger than they usually are,
and that scares me.

what if i overdose on that feeling,
and you leave?

you'll be left fine,
while i'll be met with
withdrawals,
and i don't know
if i can take that,
because everyone
has a breaking point.

congratulations i'm addicted.

it hurts to breath,
and pains me to smile.
the light in my eyes is forced,
and my words are produced manually.

bad things happened, and i have to pretend they didn't.

when you touched without
my permission,
you took away my
right to say 'no'

yes i said i was done loving you,
but i would be lying if i said
that my heart doesn't jump
at the thought of you.

i didn't know ghosts
could haunt themselves,
until i met you.

our bodies danced close,
like two different flames
slowly flickering
in a passionate dance
only wanting to be one.

too bad you blew the flames out
you son of *****.

if you say the same word long enough in your head,
it begins to sound like a foreign language.

the same thing goes for you telling me lies.

you can say what you want,
for as long as you want,
but sooner or later i'll start to disbelieve you.

i don't just wanna be in love.
i wanna feel like i've found myself,
everyday for the rest of my life

if you had to choose between
your passion or that someone,
what would you favor?

he was the kind of guy that liked
big busted blondes,
and that chronic ****.

and i was neither of those things.

your touch is a dream
i never want to wake up from

your voice is a song
that's reached my top 40's

your laugh is a joke
that's never not funny

your eyes are an ocean
that'd i swim in forever

your lips are perfect
for 'borrowing' my cigarettes

and you are everything i want
rolled up into one being.

it hurts to gaze up into the sky,
and stare at all the stars,
when i know i'll never be one

my mind is racing,
i try to pretend i'm dead,
that my thoughts are meaningless,
and my being is no longer relevant,

but my ideas, hopes, aspirations, memories,
my greatest moments, and my worst ones,
they're all whizzing around,

they won't stop,
please stop,
it hurts to think,
when no ones's there to hear your thoughts

its the real life horrors
we fail to see

it's hard to get over someone
that i see everyday

im so tired of this
i always feel so small around you
like i don't matter
and sometimes you'll smile at me
or touch me gently
as if to remind you care
but i don't think you really do
because when we're around others
you treat me like i don't exist
and it's agonizingly painful
i won't do it anymore
i can't

i'm getting dizzy from
spinning in circles
with you

i'm scared of
losing myself
because your
smile is like
acid in my
veins.

everything seems calm,
until the tide comes in,
and you get trapped beneath the waves.

i hate you.

i can't stand the lies behind your eyes,
and the fact that you can look at me like that.

like everything will be okay,
and that somewhere inside you care.

then, when i need you to look at me
and say i love you.

you look to each of your friends
and laugh in my face.

i will not love someone,
who is afraid to love me.

one day i'm scared
i'll dig too deep
and get buried underground

i planned never to fall in love,
but then you
and your stupid ice water eyes
****** it all up.

your smile is honey,
your eyes are sugar,
and your kisses are milk.

you make the perfect cup of tea,
now come back to bed,
and lay a little longer,
tangled between the sheets with me.

as the smoke traveled between our mouths in a sensual dance,
i knew he was the one i wanted to spend late nights,
and early mornings with,
huddled together under his cheap,
wool comforter,
his favorite flannel hung carelessly on my figure,
and my favorite perfume left forever attached to his pillows.

i sat outside under the willow one day,
and saw you walking by.

the blunt hang loosely on your lips,
which i found my gaze drawn to.
they were a bit chapped,
but oh so plump,
and very red.

what would it feel like to have those lips caress my skin?

would i enjoy the ridges made from your teeth pulling at the flesh gently?

would i giggle at their softness grazing my shoulder blade?

would i melt as you whispered ***** secrets into my ear, whilst taking me to another world entirely?

i didn't have to wonder much longer because before i knew it,
your lips touched mine.

i didn't feel sparks though.

instead i felt an overwhelming warmth flushing my cheeks,
and curling my toes,
causing my being to go numb,
in a passionate frenzy.

i think i'm in love.

i was hoping it wasn't true,
all those rumors about you.

the way you treat girls like dolls,
break their hearts,
and laugh as their tears fall.

how you touched that girl,
made her feel special,
then left her,
after you got what you wanted.

i closed my eyes and shook my head,
my heart beating way to fast,
then tumbling out of my chest,
leaving me feeling dead.

how could you?

how could you watch as she weeped,
and not feel anything.

i thought you were a good boy,
but no,
you are a very, very bad one

even the worst villains can appear to be heroes,
all they need is naive citizens to believe their every word.

Having the urge to crumble, but instead trying to stay strong.

Everything seems blurry, until you release the tears you've been holding in.

All the memories come streaming back, forcing you to remember the good times.

Repeating the words, "I don't need you." constantly.

The way you can literally feel that rib-splitting ache in your chest as they say goodbye.

Bonding yourself back together with time.

Reliving all the experiences you've had with them, but this time reminiscing with a smile.

Explaining to a new someone how that old someone broke your heart.

A** moment in time where you look into your new someone's eyes and fall back into passionate love.

Kite flying in the park with that new someone wrapped around you, and the thought of that old someone pushed back into the crevices of your mind.

for once in my life,
can i be the girl who finally gets the guy?

i keep telling myself that i don't want you,
and that you'd never want me,
but once i finally move on,
i see your face and it's all over.

as much as i tell myself i don't want you,
and that i hate you,
or that we'll never work out,
there's that part of me that's shouting,
"You love him!" on the sidelines.

i try to shut you out,
and move on,
but the cerulean blue of your eyes,
reel me in,
like a fish
being caught in the ocean.

its funny,

i know you talk about me to others,
because you talk about others to me.

i spend all this time perfecting myself,
for you,
the most flawed person i know

i believe bad things happen to good people because they will handle it with a calming sense of grace.

unlike the bad people,
who will destroy everything they touch.

thats just how it is.
the good people always get ******* over in the end.