it's nighttime and i am laying back in bed.

my pillows are cotton and they rub against my neck as i try to get comfortable. i never really do. i play with the loose thread of my comforter, and wrap it around my finger until the tip turns purple, i wonder for a moment, what would happen if i let the feeling spread until the top of my pointer is useless? suddenly, i hear your favorite song play in my head. it is soft. soft and rolling and it gives me the same feeling as my thread wrapped finger. i feel weightless and useless just like the crimson, shaded pad of my pointer. your song grows louder while everything else grows more quiet. i didn't know it was possible for this amount of silence to exist, it felt as if my skull grew transparent and all my thoughts began floating around the room like tiny lulling clouds. your song is drifting into the ceiling, i hope it floats through and up and up all the way to the moon. then it will settle there amongst the rubble and it will play it's rolling melody for all the stars. maybe they'll all fall asleep and it will be completely dark and completely quiet. the song just grows louder instead, so loud it begins to ring in my ears like a symphony of tiny, little bells. it rises and rises and i wrap the thread tighter and tighter and i squeeze my eyes closed and i beg. i beg for the song to stop, but it just grows louder. the bells reach their crescendo and it's then that i realize that the thread was not wrapped around my finger but my heart, and i was painfully, irrefutably, regrettably in love.

the song finally stopped.

i've listened to your dial tone
over and over again,
so much so,
that it's starting to sound
like i love you

one time we sat in the car for six hours and went back and forth playing our favorite songs and told eachother things that would be shameful to say to anyone else. i liked talking to you and looking you in the eyes because they were dark brown, almost black, and i could see myself in the reflection of them every time i looked. i think you developed a nicotine habit that night, i think that was the only development either of us made. the windows fogged up and i started sweating but i didn’t tell you to turn the heat down because you liked it warm and i would do anything for you. you told me i broke your heart three times but i told you that you broke mine hundreds of times so i win, but the truth was, that wasn’t much of a victory at all. you asked what it would be like if we dated. if we broke up. if we ******. if we never saw eachother again. if we fell in love. i said all of that would be easy for us and you agreed. that one time i loved you. i loved you with your tired eyes and unwashed hair and same outfit worn three days straight. i loved you for six hours and you loved me. but not actually. you dropped me off at midnight. you got back together with your girlfriend by eight at night the next day.