i am light. i am night. i am writefuckingwrite.
take my bones, ******. take this skin, ******. HERE, take my name, ******, i
still. am. i still
am.

i still write. i write i write.
my ribs are ledger. they hold up my awe.
but my thoughts s p i l l
into the gut, where they churn hard.
my accidents birth cosmoses.
my self-hate wills supernovas.

i am not yours. i breathe, alone, i am being. unseen strings
strung from my fingertips: i manipulate gods.
i fear no god of yours. your book is finite. my writs are
i n f i n i t e.

feel the inside of my femur there you will find my fire calligraphic
it is rune i am ancient babble stone megalith cut from monolith i am

me? stuck
inside this, t h i n g,
inside my
skull,
the size of two consecutive fists;
it won't stop
slinging thoughts thoughts thou g h t  s. you?

you can weep for 6 years and not even know you’re doing it
it's hidden underneath layers of obligation
yes i can do that, sure I’ll be there and what would you like for dinner
my mind casts back to that  moment of vulnerability
fearing forever being alone
I succumbed to the thrill of feeling fire in the belly
I succumbed to what I now know was just my attachment
to the possibility beyond love’s beautiful beginnings
I made a little compromise out of fear
not having the strength to walk my path alone
I succumbed to the need for others
i projected my needs onto something external
My error in short was this:

mistaking everyone for what I’m searching for

Sure, we all want love’s beginnings
but are we brave enough for love’s endings

There’s a stage in a relationship when you know that it’s dying and it’s when you breathe out when they leave the room. You know you’ve stopped being the ideal they kissed on a mountaintop when they forget to ask how your day was or would you like a tea. When they no longer touch you with curiosity you will know for sure that the relationship is dying and that is when you start to die too. It happens slowly, like most irreparable erosion. First you don’t get out of bed for 3 days because you can’t imagine what it’s like to not live inside each other, then you travel the world arranging big dreams of a future together by whispering incantations into the wind about your magnificent love. You get back home with exotic adventures trailing behind you and set up a house in a favourite city. You buy a dog together and you can’t stop singing from roof tops. You go out to movies on Tuesdays and have Sunday breakfast in cramped trendy cafes together and become a regular couple at the local Thai hot spot at Saturday dinner time. Just when you think that your joy has reached it’s zenith, you create a whole lot of trophies from that love bond and give them a life-force and names. The thing is, those mini humans can’t imagine living without you either. It gets crowded in your heart chambers. Suddenly you start to compartmentalise your feelings for all these people that are suddenly tied to you because of that double-edged sword called love.

I'll call her the beholder
Because there is beauty in her eyes,
And for the price of her infinite touch
I will linger, clinging to her side