Wanderer

Wanderer Jul 2013

Had I but waited
With eyes closed
I would have never tasted
The falling of your lips upon mine
Soft at first with gentle teeth
Crescendoing into passioned heart beats
Melting into the sacred shadows between our hips

Until now.

Wanderer Jul 2013

Vulnerable

You sit across from me with your knees in knots. The best place for you to be. At arms length. Where you are safe from the soft trembling of my hands, the nervous pounding of an unsure heart against the bruised cage that holds it captive. Between the pages of you and me the ink has always blurred but I have opened my mouth and let loose words, imagines that I wish I had kept to myself. Promises that only stoked this erratic flame. Cannot say for certain in the dark if you were laughing or crying but in the harsh light of day you were neither. You were gone.

I never can hold on.

Wanderer Jul 2013

Under the Frame

The heavy melting  of drug hazed bones
Confuses my curiosity with the sober

                              You cut me.
                                      To the quick.

Anger deep mortar holes smoldering through layers
I had carelessly constructed
Breathing through the cracks but just barely
Suffocation at it's most frightening
It is not the burn you must worry about
Just the ache

That is where I have kept these last months
A tangible, gut wrenching desire to be numb
I. Felt. Everything.
Strange dreams weaved colorfully throughout
Waking in a cold sweat
Looking for flowers but all I find is **dirt

Wanderer Apr 2013

Let's Talk About it Later

Quiet
Only my heart beat in the space occupied
With the heavy weight of shadows
Soft, gentle rush and hum
Of a potential tragedy
This is not the first time
Subtle clues as to how and why linger just on the edge of my once controllable perception
Pipe the **** down!
Too many voices in here
Concentration a mere past time
Untouchable
Sharp and acrid my fingers taste of indigo ink
As I **** softly at their habitually stained tips
Punctuated only by black coffee my diet is sparse
Like so many things, desire for even the most basic functions is lack luster at best
Where have you gone?
Did you mean to take my sanity with you?
My ability to pull it together more natural than forced
Although I cannot say the same for my smile
Tomorrow I may switch to bitter tea
Soak up some sun
Do my best.
But today, today I'll enjoy the clouds.

It cannot rain all the time but when it does, dance in it.

Wanderer Mar 2013

Diskonnect

Stay
You always seem so far
Away
Even the bleached roads between us
Cannot keep these lies from drowning
Piece by piece
I don't want this to hurt you
I don't write this to hurt you
My hands fall down by broken sides
Bruised love handles telling their own
Version of what always happens
Stay
You don't have to rip away
Tearing what little fabric we still hold
Deafening, the aching numbness that follows
Silence
A sword wielded by an expert marksman
On your own time, sweet heaven hurry
Tensed like a bow string, ready
Stay
Never fade

Wanderer Mar 2013

Widowed at Twenty-Seven

I've got your ashes sitting quietly on my night stand
They whisper me to sleep at night
So do the lazy legged spiders lounging in cobwebbed corners
I am sad today. Lost.
"they" say that time heals all wounds
Tell that to the hemorraging cavity of my war torn chest
Looking down to take in the carnage the absence of my heart doesn't startle
Only numbs
I knew with you that my every beat, gush of blood
Had found its home
In the unkempt rhythm of yours
The silence that followed is deafening now that stillness has over come

You never gave up.
You just gave in.
Spirit pulling to interrupt
I will never be the same again

For you Jeremiah. You've left me in pieces but at peace. I know you are no longer suffering. Y.H.M.W.H.F.M.W.L.

Wanderer Feb 2013

Transplant Journey

He is suffering
The tell tale signs of decay setting in
It's all I can do to not break down

Five hours later

Gentle hum and gurgle of breathing treatment
Wakes me from dreams of good-bye
Sweet and gentle but suffocating
Do you even know I am here anymore?

Two days later

I can hear them whispering outside
He's too fragile, not much else we can do
My voice catches in my throat yearning to rail at them
HOW DARE YOU GIVE UP!
His breath still draws and my hands are fighting

The failings of a weak condition paired with bacterial war are too much to bare. Go home babe. Sleep with the angels for I cannot be selfish and keep you here so tortured.

*I never let go.