i am just a girl.
a girl who
is not perfect.
a girl who
trips
and falls
and makes mistake
after mistake.
a girl who
pushes herself
too hard
and hates herself
when she fails.
she does not see
the good,
rather the bad.
she tries
to please everybody
but she can't
please herself.
a girl who
has such strong
insecurities
and can't find good
in herself
but she can find good
in others.
i am just a girl.
a girl who
wishes
upon stars that
one day
things will be better for her.
a girl who
is slowly
losing hope.

i am
a butterfly
with torn
tattered wings
but i will
never stop
trying to fly.

there is
a box
where i keep
my feelings.
there is
a lock
that keeps
the box
shut
and a key
that i wear
on a chain
around my neck.
that box
will stay
locked tight
because my feelings
don't get me anywhere
but hell.
i'm so tired
of giving
my all
only to lose
a piece of myself
in the process.
i don't want to
lose anything else.
i don't have
anything else
to lose.
i have already
lost myself.

god i want
to  kiss you
so **** badly.
i look at you
and all i
can think of
is your perfect lips
pressed against mine
and i know you want to.
but it would be wrong.
you have
a girlfriend.
and as awful
as it sounds
if you kissed me
right now i wouldn't
stop you.
in fact
i'd probably
kiss you back
girlfriend or not.
and maybe
that makes me
a horrible person.
but i can't
control the  
way i feel
about you.
even though
i try
keeping it all
locked up
in my box.

just stop.
don't take my hand
and lead me
into the dark
only to abandon me
and make me
fend for myself.
stay and carry
the flashlight.
tell me
you love me
and make the way.
it's hard enough
not knowing
how you actually feel.
it would be
a thousand times harder
to sit here thinking
i'm you're one and only
when i'm actually nothing.
communication is key.
so tell me how you feel.
tell me if this
is real
or if you don't
want to go on anymore.
i can handle that.
but please
don't take my hand
and lead me
into the dark
only to abandon me
and make me
fend for myself.

i just want
to be loved
in the most
simple way.
i want somebody
who will
send me
goodnight
and good morning texts.
somebody who
kisses me
on the forehead.
somebody who
lends me
their sweatshirt
when i am cold.
somebody who calls
to check in
on me
during thunderstorms
because they know
i get scared.
somebody who
whispers i love you.
i just want somebody.

don't rely
on your
beauty
or your
muscles
or your
popularity
because when
you're older
and you're walking
down the street
people won't see you
as a young
beautiful man
or woman.
they will see you
as an old man
or woman
so treasure your heart
and treasure your mind
and never
let them go.

i wish i could say
the dead roses
sitting in my bedroom
aren't still there
because they remind me
of the love we had
once upon a time.

i wish i could say
the love letter
folded in my bible
hasn't been read
in months.

i wish i could say
the polaroid i used to have
taped on my wall
is now a crumbled ball
at the bottom of my trashcan.

i wish i could say
the socks you bought me
for my birthday
were donated to goodwill.

i wish i could say
my heart doesn't bleed for you
whenever i see you
with her.

i wish i could say
our song doesn't
send tears
racing down my cheeks.

but i would be lying.

it happens
best at night.
when crickets
chirp
and owls
hoot
and the stars
freckles
the dark sky's cheeks.
sleepy voices
beckoning sweet
i love you's
and sleep tight's.
those late night texts
that hold so much
truth
and so much
love.
laying in bed
and thinking about
you
and me
and all of the
wondrous possibilities.
those beautiful
dreams
that occur
when my head
touches the pillow.
bodies snuggled
together
under blankets
with heads
nestled perfectly
in the crook
of the shoulder.
whispered words
in the ear
of the dozing.
i love the night
and all that
happens.

he told me
i am like
summer.
when i
was here
nobody even
acknowledged
my presence.
they took
advantage of me.
but once
i left,
once i
was gone,
they all missed me
and everything
i had
to offer.

confidence.
it's something
i have so little of.
there are days
when i walk
the halls
with the confidence
of a celebrity
in a music video.
and there are other days
when i wish
i was invisible
because i'm just too
ugly to be looked at.

confidence.
it's something
i wish i had
in great abundances.
but i don't.
and i probably won't
for a long while.

sometimes
i just want
to jump
into the
roaring, endless ocean
and let myself
sink to
the bottom
because if
i breathe in
and water
fills my lungs
but i do
not drown
then i am
invincible.

i wish
i could
be more
independent.
i wish
i didn't
need to rely
on others
to be complete.
i wish
i could
simply complete myself.
i wish
i didn't need
the love of another
to be whole.
but i do
and i can't
change that.
that is a part
of who i am.
i am a young girl
who gives away
so much love
to others
that she doesn't
have enough love
left over
for herself.

man is born
neither good
not bad.
mankind
or manUNkind.
it is not real.
we do
not know
good
or bad
when we first
come from
the womb.
it is life
that shapes you.
life molds
your heart
like a fresh lump of clay
to either mankind
or manUNkind.
take a moment
and think
about your existence.
what shaped you?
what shaped the kind?
what shaped the unkind?

if you
are just going to
take my words
and twist them
to turn
my own sister
against me
then don't
talk to me
at
all.

to put it
simply,
i love you
more
than you could
ever comprehend
because if you are
anything like me
you don't believe
it is possible
that anybody
could love you
at all.

my bed
feels so empty
and i wish
you would stand
outside of my house
and throw pebbles
at my bedroom window
and quietly
sneak it
and lay with me
till i fall asleep.
but i know
that even
if you did,
you would be gone
by morning,
not a trace
of you
except for
the faint smell
of your cologne
lingering on my
dark gray pillowcase,
and i'd sit there
with my knees
pulled to my chest,
inhaling your scent
slowly being
washed away
by my saltwater tears.
you'll always hurt me
an i'll always love you.

music on.
world off.
music on.
world off.
music on.
world off.
world off.
world off.
music helps me understand
my complicated jumble
of feelings.
music helps put
a name
to my emotions.
i feel
so many things.
but not only
does music
help with
my feelings,
it also helps
to block out
those feelings.
it is my escape
if only for
a little while.
music on.
world off.
music on.
world off.
music on.
world off.
world off.
world off.

i wonder how different
things would be
if i had worked up
the **** courage
to tell you
how i truly felt.
if only
i was more confident
in myself,
confident enough
to speak my mind.
i wanted to tell you.
i did.
but the words
got caught
somewhere in my throat
like a beautiful butterfly
in a spider web.
this wrenching fear
of rejection
burned down
the rose garden
and left the blooming buds
black
and charred
and smoking.
i should have said it.
i wonder how different
things would be
if i had worked up
the **** courage
to tell you
i love you.

i need you

to wipe the

tears

from my cheeks,

and put

bandaids

over the gashes

on my

heart,

and whisper

in my ear

that it will

all

be

ok,

because right now

my hope

has run dry

like a

poor village's

water supply

(although the

well in my

eyes seems

to always

be full to the

brim).

blood dripped
down my chest
as i ripped
my heart out
and gave it
to you
but i ignored
the pain
because i thought
your love for me
was stronger.
but then
i realized
you never loved me
at all.
so now
my favorite dress
is stained
and there's
a hole
in my chest.

trying
to make you
love me
is like
trying
to count
all the
stars in
the sky.

it is
impossible.

and yet
here i am
crossing out
the stars
with a comet
so i don't
lose count.

i know that
i am trying
to squeeze
puzzle pieces
in places
they just
don't fit.

and i know that
when i solve
this equation
x + y
won't equal u.

but there is
a whisper
in my ear
as subtle as
a butterfly
landing delicately
on a flower.

and so i
tie my heartstrings
to that hope
and i swing from it
and try
not to scream
when i fall

and just pray
that you'll be there
to catch me.

and if you don't
i'll land
so hard
and blood
will stain
my jeans
and tears
will stain
my cheeks

and i'll look up
at the tars
(i only got
to 1003
before i
stopped counting).

and i'll curse them
for not
spelling it out
in the sky
that x + y
does not
equal u.

music is honestly
such a beautiful thing.
i just wrote
about not being able
to feel anymore
and this song
came on
that was so
beautiful
and made me feel
so much at once
that the emotions
poured out
of my eyes.
i haven't felt
in so long
and god
is real
and i'm speechless.

your smooth
hypnotic words
mesmerized me
i was drawn
to you
like a moth
to the light
i couldn't think
of parting with you
because i was
so incredibly
and hopelessly
in love with you
i had never felt
such a feeling
before
i just couldn't
let go
you told me
you loved me
and then
kissed me
so softly
i felt
my heart melt
you gave me
the love
i could never
give myself
i longed
to feel
your kiss on my lips
and your love
between my legs
and i wanted you
i wanted you
i wanted you
and then
your ugliness
came out
i cried for days
after you cheated
i stopped eating
i stopped laughing
i stopped being happy
i fell into depression
and didn't want anything
except for you
i wanted you
i wanted you
i wanted you
but you didn't want me
and my heart hurt
like you stabbed me
but i didn't care
i wanted you
i wanted you
i wanted you

i am having
this outburst
of emotion
and i can't just
keep it all
inside
i've got to
put the pen to paper
and watch the ink
do the work
i can't
keep this in
any longer
i'll burst
at the seams
i used to think
it was easier
for everybody
to just
bottle it up
bottle it up
bottle it up
but i can't
anymore
i have
to say it
scream it
sing it
write it
until i'm
empty
and this all
seems like
nonsense
just a poem
of words carelessly
strung together
but that's
the best kind
it's raw
it's rough
it's real
it's refreshing
i need to let
it
out
because i can't
bottle it up
bottle it up
bottle it up
not anymore

her heart
is a leather bound journal.
black inked words
decorate the pages
with her secret
joys,
heartbreaks,
disappointments,
favorite memories,
songs,
people.
all the things
she wishes
she could talk about
with somebody,
but she doesn't
because she doesn't
think anybody
will care enough
to listen to
all the little things
that mean so much
to her.

how
do i write
a poem
about what
i'm feeling when
i
don't
know.
i am numb
to the world
and everything
in it.
i don't feel
sad.
i am past that.
i've reached
the point
when sadness
isn't strong
enough.
i don't know
what to do anymore.
i don't know
how to live.
i don't know
how to feel.

in the grand
scheme of things
i suppose
this gaping hole
you put
in my heart
isn't so bad
but right now
the pain is
excruciating.
every time
i breathe in
i am reminded
of those five
simple words
you whispered
(though it felt
more like screaming)
"i don't love you
anymore"
"i don't love you
anymore"
"i don't love you
anymore"
i have to
force my heart
to continue
its beating
because it's hard
to carry on
when i keep
coughing up blood
and clawing
at my eyes
so i can
somehow
erase the image
of you
kissing her
that is stained
on the insides
of my eyelids
and i have to
keep myself awake
because everytime
i close my eyes
i see
your ghost.
i don't want
my life
to be controlled
by you
and i don't want
to keep bleeding
for you
and i don't want
to keep loving you.

the bible says
in the beginning
God created
the heavens
and the earth.
"and God said,
let there be light:
and there was light."
what you say
becomes who you are.
God said
let there be light
and therefore
He is light.

i slip my hand
into my purse,
pulling out my keychain.
the silver key
unlocks the door
to my cozy home.
the sound of laughter
and joy await me
from the inside.
my husband
greets me with
a loving kiss.
my children
wrap their arms
around my waist
and tell me
about their day
at school.
i make my way
to the kitchen
to start dinner.
cooking
is on of the things
that brings
me peace
an joy.
my home
is decorated
the way
i've always dreamed.
it's not much
but it's mine,
and i've worked
so hard for it.
it is my refuge.
the place
that brings me comfort,
joy,
love,
peace.
the place
where love
is filled
to the brims.
my eyes
open
and i am brought
back to the present.
i can only
dream
that one day
i will have a life
that is perfect
to me.

the darkness
is so overpowering
and i don't know
where it ends
so give me sun.
flowers cannot bloom
without rain
but they also
cannot bloom
without light
so give me sun.
my skin is pale
and cold as ice
so give me sun.
write on my lips
a reason to
carry on
because i am
empty
and frozen inside
so give me sun.
my heart
is turning dark
so give me sun.

why can't
we all just
get along.
to just keep
our opinions
to ourselves
and live in peace.
a man kneels
during the national anthem
because he belives
black lives matter.
instead of flooding twitter
with hateful comments
maybe just think about
why he kneels.
we are free
to take a stand
in what we
believe in
and people
need to learn
to respect that.
a girl
covers her mouth
with duct tape
for a day.
you think
she's weird.
she's actually supporting
the victims
of bullying
who can't speak up
for themselves.
instead of making fun
of her
maybe just think about
how bold that is
for her to take
a stand like that.
i am so sick
of seeing our world
plagued by hate.
you may not
agree with things.
i don't agree with things.
but i know better
and i spread
happiness.

it hurts
knowing that
you will
always remember me
as the girl
who broke
your heart.
i will
forever remain
frozen
in your time.
you will
never
see me as
the girl
who stays up
until 3 am
comforting
the broken souls
with broken hearts,
or the girl
who pulls together
what little money
she has
to buy a
birthday present,
or the girl
who silently wishes
she could take
all the bad
in the world,
all the pain,
all the sadness,
all the destruction,
and bring it
all upon myself
so that everybody
may experience
the sunshine.
in your eyes
i am a monster
who feeds off
of broken hearts
and saltwater tears
and i pray
that someday
you will stop
seeing me
in black
and white.

dear friend.
thank you
for everything
you do.
thank you
for being
my shoulder
to cry on.
for being
the ear
that always listens.
i am hard
to get along with.
that i know.
i'm stubborn.
but you get me.
you understand me
like nobody does.
and this poem
isn't going
to have beautiful
flowing verses.
it's really raw
and rough.
but i know
you'll love it
anyways
because you
are my best friend.
you are such
an amazing person
inside
and out
and i have no
idea where
i would be
if it weren't for you.
i love you
so much.
thank you.

i love you
so much
i am holding
back tears.
i don't know why
it hurts to love you.
loving you should
be amazing
and beautiful
and so serene.
but instead
it knocks the breath
out of me
and sends me
to my knees,
gasping for breath,
heart wrenching sobs
escaping my mouth,
and you pull me
to your chest,
asking why i cry.
but how can i tell you
it's because i love you?

sometimes i want
the water
to burn my skin
so i can feel
a different pain
than the pain within.
i am not suicidal
nor am i
severely depressed
but sometimes it's hard
to hope for the best
when all that you feel
is the pain
in your chest.
so that jolt of pain
that brushes my skin
can help distract me
from the pain within.

i wish
i could say
this is
the last time
i write
about you,
but that
is not
true.
i could (falsely)
fill a whole
700 page notebook
with the words
"i'm over you
i'm over you
i'm over you"
but i know that
tomorrow
i will be
plucking the petals
off a flower
and catching my tears
in a jar
and the side
of my hand
will be stained
from the cursive letter
graphite words
of my love
for you.
just when i think
my thoughts
for you
are simply
platonic,
you make your way
over to me
and wrap
your arms
around me
and i find
myself
daydreaming
of mr
and mrs
coffee mugs
and breakfast
for dinner
and lazy saturdays
when we stay
in bed
until noon,
wrapped in blankets
and each others' arms.
i think
if you told me
you were
dropping
out of school
to travel
the world
i'd probably
pack my bags
and join you.

if distance
makes the heart
grow fonder
then why do
so many
long distance relationships
fall apart?

not every
poem i write
is for you.
not ever
tear i shed
is for you.
not every
heartbeat
is for you.
not ever
breath i breathe
is for you.

you are not
a part
of my life
anymore
and i think
you forget that
sometimes.

the man who raised me.
the ma who made me who i am today.
the man who looked at me and saw things in me
nobody else did.
the man who inspires his fifth grade
students the same way he's inspired me
for 17 years.
i am a sunflower and he is the sun.
i angle my head to soak in his golden
drops of love to help me grow.
life would be unimaginable without him.
imagine a beach without the roaring mighty ocean.
imagine a hospital without doctors.
it is hard to write a poem using the right
words to describe my father.
so all i will say is this:
he is my father
and his is
irreplaceable.

she stands
in the gas station bathroom,
looking at
her sunken eyes
in the smudged,
graffitied mirror,
wondering
how she got here
and how she can get out.
her shaking hands
grip the sink
as she stares
at the unrecognizable version
of herself,
the version of herself
she never saw coming.
she wants to run.
to get out
and never turn back
but her mind
holds her
in place,
gripping her
by the collar
of her shirt.
***.
alcohol.
her life
is consumed
by the things
she always told herself
she'd never get near.
but now
her life is
as cracked as
the gas station bathroom mirror
and there is no escape.
there is no turning back.
when she first
opened her legs
to him
she never realized
she would be
shutting the door
to her past life.
when she first
opened the bottle
she never realized
she would be
shutting the door
to her past life.
she never realized.
and now that
she understands
where she stands
she wishes
to be standing
somewhere else.
she wishes
she could build
a time machine
right there
in that gas station bathroom
to take her back
to life
as she once knew it.
"**** it,"
she whispers
to her reflection,
pulling a flask
out of her purse
and taking a swig.
there is no changing
the past
so she won't
bother
trying.
she wipes
the mascara
from under her eyes
and sticks
her middle fingers up,
showing life
she doesn't
give a ****
anymore.
it can't get any worse
than this.
she steps out
of the gas station bathroom,
bumping
chest to chest
with him.
he grins down
at her,
his green eyes
dancing with lust
and seduction.
she follows him
to his car,
the flask
swishing noisily
in her purse.
"it can't get any worse
than this,"
she thinks
to herself
a few weeks later,
crying on the floor
of the gas station bathroom,
staring at
the plus sign
on the dollar store
pregnancy test.

i wish
i didn't care
and i hate myself
for caring
and i hate you
for making me care
and i hate myself
for not actually hating you.

i feel like
i am stealing
the food
straight from
their mouths.
how can
i eat
when they have
NOTHING.
hurricane maria took
EVERYTHING.
they don't have
water.
they don't have
electricity.
they don't have
ANYTHING.
my family
in puerto rico
is alive
but they're
barely breathing.
how can you
when you've lost
EVERYTHING?
the least i can do
is dedicate this poem
to them.
pray for puerto rico.

why did you
bother
giving me
your heart
if you were
just gonna
take it right back?
you knew
i was committed
(and i guess
deep down
i knew
you weren't)
yet you still
went ahead
and took
my heart
and you tossed
it up
in the air
and laughed
when got
scared that
you'd drop it.
you made
a joke
out of something
so fragile
and you don't
even
care.

i don't
love you.
i love
the way
you make me
feel.
and i know
that is wrong.
i know
i am
leading you on.
i know
i've written
poem
after poem
about being
led on
and how
it hurts
so **** badly
to give somebody
your all
but get
nothing back
in return
and i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm so **** sorry
please don't
hate me.

you look at me
and you praise me
for being
so strong.
you don't know
how weak
i truly am.
in the confines
of my bedroom
the floors
are flooded
with my saltwater tears
and the razor blade
glistens at me
from across
the room,
taunting me
to draw my blood
on my wrists,
and the screams
in my head
bring me
to my knees
and i can't
i can't
i can't do this
anymore.
but you keep
hanging these metals
around my neck
and they're
so
****
heavy.
i'm not strong
i'm weak
i'm weak
i'm weak
so
****
weak

i can't
like you
you're bad
for me
but that's
only what
i've heard
never what
i've felt
my heart
is whispering
to trust
the beating
but my
mind is
screaming that
looks can
be deceiving
and i
don't know
do i
let myself
fall or
do i
get on
my knees
and crawl
because it
is safer
i've felt
this way
for way
too long
to just
let it
all go
but i
am so
confused and
i want
to know
whether you
are good
for me
or not
do i
let myself
fall or
do i
get on
my knees
and crawl.

truth is not
just black
and white.
it is gray.
it is the
in between
of light
and dark.
the blurry piece
in the middle.
it can be
hard to spot.
ironically
the dark
is more blinding
than the light.
as humans
we choose
to believe
what we want.
and sometimes
what we want
to believe
is not true.
deep down inside
we know
we are walking
ourselves into an
entangling trap,
yet we don't
stop ourselves.
why?
because ironically
the dark
is more blinding
than the light.

i saw it.
in my head
i saw my mother
wrapping her arms
around me
in a loving embrace.
this vision
given to me
by the God
who loves
showing me
that it is not
over.
the fight
will be won
if i just
keep
pushing
on.

she

is a beautiful girl

with a big,

bright,

beautiful personality,

and a heart

so full

of love for

others

that there

is no room

left for

herself.

at all

of the

football games,

she cheers

on the team,

but can't

cheer on

herself.

she keeps

a blade

hidden in

her

poetry notebook,

and tries to

bleed out

all of

her problems.

it breaks my

heart

knowing all this,

and yet

i do

nothing.

whenever she

is absent from

school.

i

can't help

but think of

terrible, sad

thoughts,

because maybe

her depression

has pushed her

over

the

edge.

this beautiful girl

thinks so

poorly of

herself,

and it honestly

breaks

my heart,

because she

doesn't know just

how amazing she

is.

she has a

beautiful voice,

and writes

beautiful

(but sad)

poetry.

i

just feel so

useless

because there's

nothing

i

can do

to help

her.

but i

would

take away

her

rain clouds

so that she

may

experience

endless

blue

skies.