i can't
like you
you're bad
for me
but that's
only what
i've heard
never what
i've felt
my heart
is whispering
to trust
the beating
but my
mind is
screaming that
looks can
be deceiving
and i
don't know
do i
let myself
fall or
do i
get on
my knees
and crawl
because it
is safer
i've felt
this way
for way
too long
to just
let it
all go
but i
am so
confused and
i want
to know
whether you
are good
for me
or not
do i
let myself
fall or
do i
get on
my knees
and crawl.

truth is not
just black
and white.
it is gray.
it is the
in between
of light
and dark.
the blurry piece
in the middle.
it can be
hard to spot.
ironically
the dark
is more blinding
than the light.
as humans
we choose
to believe
what we want.
and sometimes
what we want
to believe
is not true.
deep down inside
we know
we are walking
ourselves into an
entangling trap,
yet we don't
stop ourselves.
why?
because ironically
the dark
is more blinding
than the light.

the unthinkable.
it's unspeakable.
unimaginable.
so cold.
so heartless.
unbelievable.
unbearable.
four bullets.
one life.
one loss.
one love.
one heart broken.
she was my
soul,
and now
she is
a lost soul.
my heart,
oh how
it bleeds
for her.
it bleeds
the same
way she did.
her shoulder.
her neck.
her head.
her heart.
my heart.
she was
stolen from me
before i
could even
call her
my wife.
before we
could start
a new life
and now
there is no life.
she's now
like my father.
an innocent soul
brutally
murdered
while walking
down the street.
what now?
is life just out
to get me?
stealing the
two best friends
i have ever known.
take me instead.
but no.
that would be
too easy.

sometimes i want
the water
to burn my skin
so i can feel
a different pain
than the pain within.
i am not suicidal
nor am i
severely depressed
but sometimes it's hard
to hope for the best
when all that you feel
is the pain
in your chest.
so that jolt of pain
that brushes my skin
can help distract me
from the pain within.

blonde hair.
blue eyes.
thin body.
designer clothes.
popularity contest.
matter over mind
over matter
over mind.
prom queen.
cheerleading captain.
top of the social ladder.
perfect.

depression.
anxiety.
lies.
secrets.
fake smile.
makeup.
insecurities.
tears.
eating disorder.
masks.
heartbreak.
sadness.
insecurities.
insecurities.­
insecurities.
insecurities.

it happens
best at night.
when crickets
chirp
and owls
hoot
and the stars
freckles
the dark sky's cheeks.
sleepy voices
beckoning sweet
i love you's
and sleep tight's.
those late night texts
that hold so much
truth
and so much
love.
laying in bed
and thinking about
you
and me
and all of the
wondrous possibilities.
those beautiful
dreams
that occur
when my head
touches the pillow.
bodies snuggled
together
under blankets
with heads
nestled perfectly
in the crook
of the shoulder.
whispered words
in the ear
of the dozing.
i love the night
and all that
happens.

your smooth
hypnotic words
mesmerized me
i was drawn
to you
like a moth
to the light
i couldn't think
of parting with you
because i was
so incredibly
and hopelessly
in love with you
i had never felt
such a feeling
before
i just couldn't
let go
you told me
you loved me
and then
kissed me
so softly
i felt
my heart melt
you gave me
the love
i could never
give myself
i longed
to feel
your kiss on my lips
and your love
between my legs
and i wanted you
i wanted you
i wanted you
and then
your ugliness
came out
i cried for days
after you cheated
i stopped eating
i stopped laughing
i stopped being happy
i fell into depression
and didn't want anything
except for you
i wanted you
i wanted you
i wanted you
but you didn't want me
and my heart hurt
like you stabbed me
but i didn't care
i wanted you
i wanted you
i wanted you