Every time I see her eyes
In a crisp, clear photograph
I feel something suddenly drop
Maybe my heart leaving my body
I just feel like breaking down
Letting the tears flow freely
But I still remain headstrong
Somehow, someway, I'm strong
I will look at a picture of her
And sometimes crack a smile
But then the memories flow in
And I collapse in undesired pain
That smile, those eyes, haunting me
So beautiful, a word a rarely say
To anyone involved in my life
Beautiful she is in every photograph
But only if these were real
The beauty will truly show
But so will my emotions
The tears, the break downs
All from a beautiful photograph

Today in my anatomy class
We did an experiment on pain
Seeing if you could feel a needle
Pricking at your skin slightly
Well, I never felt a single thing
I told my partner to push harder
Still nothing, I felt no pain at all
When I got home, I looked at myself
Connecting that experiment to my life
I no longer can feel pain it seems
Unless it is just excruciating pain
But I don't feel anything, I am nothing
I will always have sympathy for people
But I can no longer feel the pain myself
I will help others through tough situations
But then when I'm in something similar
I feel nothing, not caring about myself
Is this an issue? Yes, I know it is
I have no feelings, but filled with emotion
Maybe it's good I feel nothing at all
Because now I won't be hurt anymore

When I sleep, I dream of her
When I'm awake, I think of her
I no longer can sleep anymore
Because I'm happy when I dream
And it saddens me when I wake
I have been trying for years now
And I thought my efforts payed off
I finally started to talk to her again
Thinking I no longer had to move on
But of course, like always, I was wrong
I'm back at it again, trying to forget
But is it really worth it? I don't know
We still may have a future together
But I can't cash those checks in yet
I have to move on from her for now
And it's hard, she's always on my mind
Everything is meant to happen for a reason
And this is a clear example, I must move on

Here's a short explanation of my life:
Pages 1-6: building up a new reputation
Having big dreams, as big as a nation
I was just starting out in my early youth
I remember when I first lost a tooth
I thought I was slowly dying away
I thought my body was beginning to decay
But then I realized it was a natural occurrence
I continued my youth with little interference
Pages 6-12: I'm in my late youth stage
I'm ready to be a teen and then the page
I experienced moving and family deceased
I tried to cope with it as the pain decreased
And sure enough it did not happen again
But I was constantly bullied and in pain
At times I didn't want to go to school
But I was as consistent as a Mexican bull
I fought through all the pain and agony
To become as successful as I could be
Pages 13-16: looking at a bigger place
High school. A place filled with disgrace
Middle school seemed like a slow torture
So I hoped that high school would be better
It was, kind of. Freshman year was strange
I was okay, then depressed and out of range
I then met someone that seemed truly special
Possibly my dream girl, we were inseparable
Except, she moved thousands of miles away
We fought through difficulties every day
But it just did not work out at all in the end
I felt as if my heart would never again mend
Until I thought I found someone close to me
I started to like her on a band trip in Hawaii
We dated for a few months but it fell apart
And yet again there was a tear in my heart
I didn't think I could do anything about it
Until I find a key that will properly fit
Page 17: my current place in this story
I still have the right to write about me
I still have many years to look ahead
Until the final days when I end up dead
But I'm only at 17, halfway to 18 now
I have had a disappointing life I think
Two girlfriends, heartbreaks, I slowly sink
Grades starting to slip in every class
As I progress to harder classes to pass
My lips still remain virgins, no gentle touch
I am becoming desperate now, so very much
I want to find someone to love once more
Someone who won't slam the door
My heart has been beaten and slaughtered
I need someone to fix it while it's tattered
I still have a place in my heart for someone
She's thousands of miles away, so far gone
Yes, the first girl I loved, that's the one
I thought that It would work out, but I'm alone
Page 18: I am 18 now. I'm legally an adult. I'm off to college in a few months, done with high school, and I'm ready to take a giant step in life. It's been two years since my heartbreaking situations. Am I okay now? Sadly I am not. I still see her face and a thousand memories flood my mind. I don't think it's possible to move on. I've done all I can think of. Maybe one day it will all settle in the dust and it will all be okay. But in the meantime, I will live another day.
Page ???: I will again find happiness in my life
My story continues with happiness and strife
I will find happiness again some day, I hope
As I have too much pain right now to cope
I need someone now to hold in my open arms
As I am a classy gentleman and mean no harm
I will live my life as long as a block of lead
And will try to remain happy, until I am dead

The smile that you see on my face
Every day of these lengthy years
It’s fake and feels out of place
But I pretend to smile for my peers

I don’t want to show how I feel
Because some people will call me a shame
I need this fake smile like it’s my last meal
Because it’s the only thing that hides my pain

There is really only one person you there
Who can bring the real smile out of me
But that one person is no longer here
But I’ll soon see her again, and truly smile
You’ll see

I can sit here, saying your name
Looking at a picture of your face
Or just thinking about your beauty
None of it feels the same anymore
When I was with you, I took it for granted
And now that we are apart, I regret it
I wish I would've shown how much I loved you
I wish I could have done everything better
But I tried, it was a difficult time
Long distance and all, I did what I could
But it still was no where near enough
So now I think of you, your name, your face
And I get emotional, close to a breakdown
But I hold it all back from the world
Because I don't want you to see me this way
I feel like a lonely and miserable monster
I regret ever falling this deeply in love with you
But I don't regret a relationship with you
As it shaped who I became today
Even though I cringe at the sight of myself
I hate how I feel, but I regret nothing now

What if I just walked away
Left everything I love behind
A new start somewhere else
Maybe it will free my soul
What if I just left this cruel world
Would anyone even miss me
Not necessarily take my life
Just isolate myself from mankind
What if I just opened up my life
How I felt, what I felt, who I felt
Just tell everyone my deepest thoughts
Without a single worry about myself
What if I tried being more selfish
Caring only about myself from now on
Making sure I am happy before everyone
But that's not how I want to live life
What if I just changed as a whole
What if I could just change the world
To change my harsh world is a start
Maybe that will result in a better world

We can always be looking
For that destined someone
Some many never find them
Others will often get lucky
It can tough to find them
But it will all pay off eventually
Soulmates are destined to be
You will know when they are found
You will feel an ultimate connection
Feel what they feel almost always
Be able to make each other happy
With just each other's presence
Some pipeline believe in a soulmate
Personally, I don't think so anymore
I thought I found mine at one point
Then she abandoned me like I was nothing
I felt everything I just said above
And she felt the same way to me
But I guess it's not destined to be

Hey bro are you doing alright?
Yeah, I'm fine, thanks man
But that "I'm fine" is a lie
He really just wants to die
Hey girl, you feeling better?
Yeah, better than I was yesterday
But she really is a day closer to death
But she hides that pain underneath
Hey mom, is Jeremy going to be okay?
Yes, your brother is in a better place
But Jeremy is really already gone
And mom knows that where he belongs
Hey, I like your new shirt Vanessa
Thanks, these sleeves are comfortable
But really, the sleeves cover her scars
As she is afraid for her father behind bars
Hey, you doing okay about Samantha?
Yeah, I'm over her, it's all good
But you know you're no where near "fine"
As she is on your mind all the time
Hey, Jessica, you over Benjamin yet?
Yeah, he means nothing to me now
Each night, mascara runs down your face
As you miss his touch and his embrace
People lie to make it seem like they're fine
But we've all been there, they're not fine
They just want to curl into a ball and cry
Right now, that's me. I just want to cry...

I'm not searching for a relationship
But happiness from a relationship
People tend to get those confused
If you're not happy, why be in one
It shouldn't be about them being cute
Or even them seeming sweet at first
But it should be how happy you will be
Will this person make you smile everyday?
Will this person make you laugh at nothing?
It's one thing I hate about society now
Especially with most people my age
It's all about looks and how others see you
But it should really be for your own happiness
If you're not happy, it is not worth it then
If you don't think you can last a long time
To at least a year, even consider marriage
Then this person will not make you happy
I just want to be happy, but I continue to wait
I'm fine with that, I've been patient for years
I will wait for the right girl to make me happy

I wonder about this very often it seems
Why am I always a single and lonely guy?
Apparently I'm sweet and a gentleman
But I am always on the wrong end of it all
Is it because I'm not the most attractive?
Could it just be I don't seem sociable?
Maybe I really am not a true gentleman
But either way, I am single, but I wonder why
I don't enjoy the single life, I truly hate it
I could be much happier if I had a girlfriend
Simple. I honestly am not happy right now
I'm lonely, I want something to do, but no
I am stuck at home playing a stupid game
Just thinking about my ex, and how I was happy
Back in the good days, when I enjoyed life
Now I live each day, dealing with loneliness

It all boiling over now
Nothing is enjoyable
All that I used to enjoy
Frustrate me even more
Everything frustrates me
I'm sick and tired of it all
I can't enjoy life like this
Just done with everything
I can't move on anymore
I can no longer be happy
Especially living this way
I'm frustrated and done
I'm sick and want it to end
I'm beyond the boiling point
And now I'm far from the edge
I must change myself. Now

Here's a short explanation of my life:
Pages 1-6: building up a new reputation
Having big dreams, as big as a nation
I was just starting out in my early youth
I remember when I first lost a tooth
I thought I was slowly dying away
I thought my body was beginning to decay
But then I realized it was a natural occurrence
I continued my youth with little interference
Pages 6-12: I'm in my late youth stage
I'm ready to be a teen and then the page
I experienced moving and family deceased
I tried to cope with it as the pain decreased
And sure enough it did not happen again
But I was constantly bullied and in pain
At times I didn't want to go to school
But I was as consistent as a Mexican bull
I fought through all the pain and agony
To become as successful as I could be
Pages 13-16: looking at a bigger place
High school. A place filled with disgrace
Middle school seemed like a slow torture
So I hoped that high school would be better
It was, kind of. Freshman year was strange
I was okay, then depressed and out of range
I then met someone that seemed truly special
Possibly my dream girl, we were inseparable
Except, she moved thousands of miles away
We fought through difficulties every day
But it just did not work out at all in the end
I felt as if my heart would never again mend
Until I thought I found someone close to me
I started to like her on a band trip in Hawaii
We dated for a few months but it fell apart
And yet again there was a tear in my heart
I didn't think I could do anything about it
Until I find a key that will properly fit
Page 17: my current place in this story
I still have the right to write about me
I still have many years to look ahead
Until the final days when I end up dead
But I'm only at 17, halfway to 18 now
I have had a disappointing life I think
Two girlfriends, heartbreaks, I slowly sink
Grades starting to slip in every class
As I progress to harder classes to pass
My lips still remain virgins, no gentle touch
I am becoming desperate now, so very much
I want to find someone to love once more
Someone who won't slam the door
My heart has been beaten and slaughtered
I need someone to fix it while it's tattered
I still have a place in my heart for someone
She's thousands of miles away, so far gone
Yes, the first girl I loved, that's the one
I thought that It would work out, but I'm alone
Page ???: I will again find happiness in my life
My story continues with happiness and strife
I will find happiness again some day, I hope
As I have too much pain right now to cope
I need someone now to hold in my open arms
As I am a classy gentleman and mean no harm
I will live my life as long as a block of lead
And will try to remain happy, until I am dead

It will be one of these days
All the rage bottled in me
All of the built up anger
Then it will all just explode
It keeps building each day
From people and myself
When I finally will explode
I will change as a person

One of these days, I will find love
I thought I found it at one point
But that all was just a lie I guess
Maybe it will happen, one day
But in the meantime, I am patient
Yet impatient, as I have been waiting
But when I finally find my love
It will be a huge weight lifted away

One of these days, I will be happy
A true, generous smile on my face
Not some fake nonsense of a smile
Maybe I will be truly happy again
But while I wait, I am optimistic
I am trying to find it in smaller things
But it's only in the larger ideas I see it
And when I'm truly happy, I will fly freely

One of these days, I will be living the dream
Not necessarily living a luxurious dream life
But just knowing I'm proud of where I am
Living with a beautiful wife and great kids
Working at a job so I can support my family
And the job allowing ample time to enjoy life
When I finally see the dream as a possibility
I will grab hold and never let go as long as I live