so
so you think that you know what comfort can lend?
when the days languish but the anguish won't end
why the blade cuts deeper when the knife belongs to a friend?
how it seems we can never make amends
for our cruel words rubbed into breaks that never really mend?

did you think you had the answers
to why a healthy heart so often kneels to a lonely cancer?
why love never means that you were given candor
and each of us eventually takes the stage as a lone dancer?

were you convinced that you knew
when the river would stop pushing me away from you?
whether the storm would pass on through
and which side I'd stand on after the line you drew?

did you believe the seeds we'd sewn would finally rise?
that honesty in words meant they would remove our guise ?
and that years past meant we had grown wise
or if hindsight is all that our risk ever buys?

god how I wish you were still here
to look through these eyes that see the past so clear
without the blinders of rules and fear
now that the lights are dim and there's no one to cheer
so I can hear the words that you'll love me year after year
god how I wish my wanting could make you reappear

so
so you thought two lives were something we could weave?  
and you could tell joy's tears from the ones the regrets thieve?
but I didn't know what I could say I really believed
and I never could have been sure until I felt you leave
and now I can say that I know what it is to grieve

it's quiet now without the sound of you breathing
life into this dusty aging house
but in the end I figured out I had invented all the reasons
we would still be together now

dusk always seems to hang in the sky
now that your light isn't mine
all the healing left with your final goodbye
and the solitude shows me the confinement of time

around and around and around we went
trying to make a home of the time we had spent
so somehow tell me now where the love all went
tell me now what the promises all meant

I'm not sure how I really feel without you
here in my Neverland that's lost it's childhood
I'm having doubts, disbeleiveing what I was sure we made true
wanting to know that our years together left what closeness should

now it's not a whole life I'm left with living
there was something in the the ways you believed
that my faults never needed forgiving
and how you never doubted what you thought we achieved

I think the reason why when I think of you I still hold on
is that I can't feel I'm part of the world where you've gone
and now my bold hopes have withered and withdrawn
and somehow my whole heart still hasn't moved on

I'm not sure now what I feel without you here
to save me
but I'm sure I'll never live a whole life after watching love disappear
and take away all that you gave me

it's quiet now without the sound of you breathing
life into this dusty aging house
but in the end I figured out I had invented all the reasons
we would still be together now

dusk always seems to hang in the sky
now that your light isn't mine
all the healing left with your final goodbye
and the solitude shows me the confinement of time

around and around and around we went
trying to make a home of the time we had spent
so somehow tell me now where the love all went
tell me now what the promises all meant

I'm not sure how I really feel without you
here in my Neverland that's lost it's childhood
I'm having doubts, disbelieving what I was sure we made true
wanting to know that our years together left what closeness should

now it's not a whole life I'm left with living
there was something in the the ways you believed
that my faults never needed forgiving
and how you never doubted what you thought we achieved

I think the reason why when I think of you I still hold on
is that I can't feel I'm part of the world where you've gone
and now my bold hopes have withered and withdrawn
and somehow my heart still hasn't moved on

I'm not sure now what I feel without you here
to save me
but I'm sure I'll never live a whole life after watching love disappear
and take away all that you gave me

you could have known me truly and the selfish promises I have pledged
but I saved you, I kept you safe, I kept you turned away from my edge
safe from me because I'm a dark fall not intended to fledge
I never intended for you to hear the truth in any of the words I said

as clever as you are you don't really know fear and it's reins
because you haven't hurt long enough to understand deepening pain
you wont ever know the corrosion of our own devices until you refrain
for as long as you can, only to feel them come flooding back in through every vein

yes I know the cigarettes are killing me one nail in the coffin at a time
and the ***** that's filling my sail is far too often unkind
and yes, every girl I've laid next to haunts me in the hallways of my mind
and the only blankets I can hide under for warmth have already began to unwind

so now the dollars fill bank accounts and wallets and pockets but not the holes
and they can't ever buy back the days of my fleeting youth I've already sold
the price of living it once is forever after feeling you've grown too old
and deep, painful regret is the last page scribed in every story I've told

but you can never keep close to you what you never really had
and you can't sit down with my heart, the child, and explain sad
and no person or situation will ever cause me to feel I'm truly glad
when every word given has only another misdirection of hope to add

you said you'd whisper love sweetly but you kissed me and I tasted blood
so take another day from me, steal my next breath in the rising flood
make the lowest I can kneel beneath you my bruised hands in the mud
crush the flowers, thrash the stems, poison the roots, clip the buds

angels aren't enough to lift me up from where I'm falling
heaven hasn't promises true enough for what I beg when I'm calling
for help, for sanctuary, for relief from the increasing burdens I'm hauling
and comfort lent is only stalling the demons that being me means brawling

You could have know me to the color of my bone
but I saved you
in every way
that I left you alone

I want another first kiss
for every minute with you I've missed
for every single past time we could have been each others only tryst
the very first, the very first time that love would exist and persist

I've searched for you in every line on every page of every poem I've ever written
in every mile since leaving home in every day of life I've roamed and never forgiven
over every mountain I've crawled and in every depth of every dark sea
I've felt you like a heartbeat and I couldn't breathe or be whole without you defining me

you are my religion in every bright hope it promises
even with all of doubt's dominance
the struggle will never again seem unbelievably ominous
if I could just have your hand regardless of any consequence

I was created to chase you to the ends of this flat earth
to show you and prove to you what true love is worth
I am only worth half of what you're meant to be
and I must show you what the other half shines like inside of me

please listen to a man on his knees
I would never lie and ask you to believe in belief
just see that you love me so deeply too
there is only the thought of one in combining us two

the sun never finds it's way up my sky without your smile
there is no heart wrenching pain too rough in these trials
if you come to feel the same things that I know to be true
that there is never self there is only me and you

oh god can you even breathe without me?
doesn't your soul remember?
that all that being alive could ever render
is just a peace here in it's splendor without a temper and so glad to surrender

I will kiss your lips and love your laugh and crave your essence
and never feel content without your presence
and always watch every doorway everywhere we visit for you entrance
and read every whisper on your skin for every message

no one loves as deeply as I do and every thought you have you know it to be true
search for me
because we deserve to feel this
I ache and I ache but I am so happy just to search for you

I will find you and I will hold you so close that skin won't just touch it will shiver
I will fill your heart's fissures and you will remember
that all a soul is good for is finding it's other half
and no one has ever been so adored as how I adore your perfect face and sweet laugh

I love you more than I have the words to give you
and that makes a poet's love the truest truth

what they call a heart, my every anchor chained
what the pages make my story, every loss explained
like words in letters, as if they retain it, like they make it better
as if the knowing of it loosed or broke these fetters
eight ways the shapes of my only alphabet spells s-u-r-v-i-v-o-r
infinitely too short a word and leaving me to wander again if I'm alive in her
they think it breeds strength to outlive the beatings
they think it makes a great chase never retreating in the pursuit of what's fleeting
just once couldn't I rest and feel safe like it could all get clearer?
in the haze of aging when I'm sure it isn't my real smile in any mirror
in the crowded, faceless streets of having to stand on my own two feet alone
with all the hurtful, hateful, squalls this living condones
everyone thinking they know me because they know my name
know the face that's a mask over what's hollowed out by the aches I don't explain
and someone asks me to come near, to be dear, to love again
and they give like gifts and they mend the rifts and they care and then
the cycle of costs begins again, the loss of the friends again breathes
and makes every swallowed wine taste less like escape and reminds that it never relieves
and every candle on a cake burns another year I waited to start over
and every green field yields beauty unnoticed in my frantic search for a lucky clover
the pages pile with words wasted on hoping for better
and my few days waste away with so much time lost in trying to understand "forever"
so if you think that you know what made me then you haven't been listening to the words I didn't say
and if you've ask me for love then you've never felt what I already gave away

so put the times you've felt greatness on one side and see if they outweigh the hurt
or if the scales tip in favor of the ways you've failed and it still hurts
and trudge the horrible roads to the edges of the maps and see if you outrun the hurt
and see if any hand held or risk taken or affection given dispels the way you hurt

all the slivered glass pieces of my heart just cut me to blood as I try to pick them up
and all that my view of what could have been does, is lend tears as I watch those doors shut
and all another line will explain
is how it will never be the last line if I'm trying to write out the pains

I can never explain the hurt

happy and care free
the side of me waiting inside me that you'll probably never see
a "me" that can't stand the sight of myself outwardly that you'll probably always believe
the person that I want to become when I overcome my defeats

It's the way your eyes lie to me that makes me light up inside
I'm happy to have the chance to change my hold on pride
they draw us together like the sides of a satchel with strings pulled
oh how I love to be fooled

those eyes, that color, their light, your stare
they make me forget everyone else and forget myself and not care
they draw me in with a whisper that asks if I dare
they pull me in like a scream rushing at me through lust filled air

it's funny how eyes can deceive so believably

teach me how to lie
I want the same fake happiness you see as a prize
teach me how to lie
I want the same hollow affection that gets you by
teach me how to lie
show me how the honest heart's noose needs to be tied

teach me how to lie
because the truth is I can't survive my own life

hellion, hedonist, this wilderness is my rome
pleasure and beauty, tools of duty, the great beasts' death-roll moan
self-righteous, epicureans, the unrighteous, we march, hard as stones

grease stick make-up, relationships made up, growing up on our own
fake hair sprayed up, ******* laid up, hemorrhaging it all out alone

nothing is free and we spend every dollar
hollow and wasted we chain our own collars

hardened, abused, neglected, rejecting all things inspired
we burn up dancing closer and closer to the heat of the beasts white fire

in our youth
we are the romans
and this is our empire

I will walk the miles in your heart
the distance it takes to prove my love
I will trudge the sands of your time
the moments you need, to know I will stay
I will chase storms into the ocean
and beat the waves to rest on your shores
I will catch fire for you and burn new light
to set aglow the path to your affections

giving up or giving in, will never even begin to begin
and never will I ever beg to be let in
I will earn you

I will ride the comets into your black skies
to get a deeper look into your blue eyes
I will never surrender or be subdued
I will reach you
I will brave the fears and swallow the salt in your tears
to teach you
that we were meant to be one
no setbacks will keep me, no dark streets will defeat me
I will arrive, I will arrive

You are my river uncrossed, you are my home still lost
you are cherished deeply at any cost
you are my quiet moment soon to be filled with music
you are the evidence of love that proves it

I will run the race it takes to chase an angel
I will
I will it to be true
and no mile will keep me from you

coming apart
at edges unstitched by sharpened memories of the loss
I'm bleeding out of every seam seeing what playing relationship costs
and it seems I'm destined
to bleed until I've paid again and again for what I bought and lost

I'm coming apart
trying to remember where it's gone, why I deserve
every stranger ****** hard night and unmeant word
and why it seems I'm destine
to choke on every revelation the loneliness serves

this is what I get, these scraps and echoes
this is what I get for believing there's more than people show
this is the price of every kiss and comfort I got to know
the debt is always having to lose it while the healing eases too slow

I'm coming undone
reliving in dreams that I know the closeness of a familiar touch
remembering that I'm buried alive and the soil's weight is too much
to scratch my way out of this destiny
with my own heart hating my decisions and holding a grudge

for a gleaming moment I found myself
for one shiny moment my tears and patches relearned trust
but what's cut of the same damaged cloth will always be what it must
and a moment was just enough to make me forget the scissor's final ******

I'm falling apart at threads worn fray
reliving so many years in the regrets born every new day
and always tossing well coins to wish the hurtful questions away
why me, why them, why now, why wouldn't first love stay?

snowy skies dusk blue split in two by a sun and a moon
divided, I'm constantly chasing the light to the horizon line, looking for proof
to finally let go or to continue, hanging on, clinging onto
the thing I hold so dear, my small precious piece of you

my small precious piece so dear to me, the soft light from a warm flame I still stoke
my smallest, but cherished memento of perfect days
ephemeral but preserved, the time you were near to me before these sheets were cold
the candle lit rooms behind locked doors where our love met when even the walls would breathe hard and sweat
we were close like the edge of a day and the start of a night, close as threads stitched together tight
fingernails in backs like squeezing a first crush, eating up the deafening hush of saying nothing much
the coils of us two twisted up in ways lovers never forget, like a first touch meant
before the toils of dismemberment when even I could still remember what forever meant
but with every new sun and moon "ever" never arrives and tomorrow arises again too soon

I was trying to hang pictures of us, of kisses and smiles and of affection's glow
by tacking nails into the glass walls I built, I know
but before the "should've knowns", before I knew, there was pure, ethereal You
a truth in an innocence actually held true, unbroken and unabused, belief that two could be infused, that I still have to latch onto
so short those times, so dear, my precious small piece and so wasted the time since, without pursuit
trinkets of the mind but like treasures polished by going over them again and again with affection
thoughts never forgotten because they meant just the perfect connection, a protection not misused or askew
because of my love for my dear, small, precious, treasured piece of you

I want it back, I want you back, I want it back so badly more than I love or lust or envy
but it's damning every time I begin this again, it begins to be the ending of me
the dismantling of all sanity, the self fulfilling prophecy, the ending of an infinity
it comes running the haste of it, craving just a taste of it, moving backward through days never erasing it
never a hope for looking forward, no interest in a face in the crowd, no want for replacing it
too late or too soon split between a sun and a moon retracing it
yes
this endless chase the breadth of it stretches farther than me it's bigger than worlds and smaller than sands
wider than the sides of the dreamscapes inside of me and too small for grasping hands
it's smaller than subconscious whispers of confidence and bigger than screams of insecurities
it's deeper than black oceans, a void no light could fill
it's too small to keep, smaller than a second past by, and then smaller still
the size escapes me, unattainable it will always be painful in ways that deepen with age
now the chill of this winter is warmed only in how many blank white blankets I fill
writing it out to throw it away, feeling only that the next page is empty still
yes, yes
I feel so empty still and I do try to fill the silence between words and the lines between poems
and the loneliness between smiles on a face growing old
yes I feel so empty still because I know only you can give the missing feelings, gone missing for me
with the one thing I've kept unchanged inside of myself since it was inside of us two

my dear
small
precious
piece of you

divorce isn't a breakup
it's a death in the family
two hearts too hurt to make up
and it never ends amicably

it makes every word said, every phrase, every promise ever spoken
sting like lies and sting your pride that you believed and they were broken

it takes from you the ability to believe in the beauty of someone special
when you feel like you gave all you had to give and it ended so regretful

it robs you of all your feelings of safety and comfort and home
it takes from you your confidence, your positivity and leaves you positively alone

it creates a deep hate that takes over and makes you fume anger
it causes the caustic sorrow that darkens every tomorrow and makes everyone a stranger

it makes you question your own value, your actual self worth
it makes you feel that you're not good enough to be loved anywhere on this earth

knowing that the person who knows the true you the very best
took a look inside you and chose to pursue one of the rest
the thought holds you down and carves your heart right out of your chest
and it takes back, steals back, rapes away all that made you feel blessed
like you invested all of your time, the very best of yourself and no less
and still failed the test

so you try to stand on two broken legs to walk again on your own
and you stumble into the arms of new friends and try to make a new home
and you search frantically for affection to replace what you've known
but at the end of each night regardless of who's next to you, you are alone

bar after bar, club after party, drink drink drink and take them to bed
trying to drown the remorse and the anger and the longing that fire shots in your head
you will literally try physically to **** your way into someone new's heart
you will become an artist making selfishness and need and self promotion an art

but they don't really know you so how could they really care
true love doesn't become tangible from moans floating through thin air
a love you reap comes from time spent in wonder and in promises you keep
true love comes from the person you're meant to be with seeing that you're deep
and wanting to dive in
to only you
to never surface again
from within you
to breath for the last time on their own
without your heart making theirs beat
to go to war for you alone
with no possibility of retreat

and that hope, that chance of what could come for my life's course
is the only thing I got to keep in my divorce

fragile and self absorbed I've spent a lot of time kneeling
but I've come to find honesty in admitting fear in the new things I'm feeling
there's something about moons and stars being beautiful but out of reach
that I've always found appealing
and I have drown in all my futile pursuits chasing whales into the ocean
but never with my written words, those pros are a dreamers innate commotion
emotional,  combustible,  percussive,  explosions

I've­ survived a lot of falls and put my heart back together with duct tape
but somehow living always gives me just a little less than it takes

so my words now are few and chosen carefully
and my actions are my attempts at explaining those tangibly

every valentine's bouquet I'm sending
all the anniversary dollars I'm spending
each minute a loving ear I'm lending
but if two people are truly in love, there can be no happy
ending
Hemingway, that's from Snows of Kilimanjaro
an elegant reminder that we've one less day together with every new tomorrow

so I try and explain old emotions as best I know how
if only I could have known in those times the truths I know now

redundant, I'm a record with a deep scratch
tired, I'm the head of a burnt match
useless, I'm a diamond necklace with a missing clasp
bitter, and perpetuating the despair, never letting go of the holes unpatched
hopeful, I'm a dog kicked that keeps coming back

I've survived a lot of falls and put my heart back together with duct tape
but somehow living always gives back just a little less than it takes
I can see that in the wrinkles carving roads in my face by the mile
and I noticed that there's more lines where I scowl than where I smile
duct tape and regrets I've spent a lot of time kneeling
it's probably time to apolgize and stop reeling
but eating my own words sounds uncomfortably filling
so I guess I've said a lot of things that I'll never have the chance for repealing

somehow I've always sensed it since I was very young
that I would always be looking back as I rocketed forward
humming the songs that were already sung
reading old greeting card’s they've forgotten and feeling tortured

fragile and self absorbed I've got a lotta duct tape
survived a lot of falls without becoming fake
but somehow living always gives me
a little less than it takes

my dad was a workin man
mud on his boots and rust colored hands
cigarette in his mouth and Carhart pants
covered in sawdust from the projects he'd sand

we were family but how he saw us I'll never understand
and there was always my mother so he always needed another plan

we were technically a family, the few of us just us three
in a house like a boxing ring the loving was left up to me
four poor walls held together by two wedding rings begrudgingly
you could starve to death there if you were the one hungry for sympathy

my mom was a violent woman, a true fighter
hot tempered and her temper would start hot fires
at a young age I was inspired to learn to fight back because I was tired
of the beatings, of the yelling, of fake apologies, of the mire

we were a family but how she handled us I will never admire
she wanted us forever but the fates conspired

we were a family through all of the calls to the police
we were a family through the jealousy, the paranoia, and the deepening grief
we were a family that went to war and ignored peace
we were a sick body on it's knees that knew only disease and no relief

then of course we were a sailing ship forced on it's inevitable course
divorce
then us three became him, and her, and me, the source
now I have no recourse to heal those old sores

my dad was a boxer and my mom was a volatile pyre
fourteen years on that noose and fears are all I acquired
what transpired has made me hollow and lonely and scared of today because of the prior
and whoever tells you that you could survive that unscarred is the worst kind of liar

my dad was a workin man
mud on his boots and rust colored hands
cigarette in his mouth and Carhart pants
covered in sawdust from the projects he'd sand

we were family but how he saw us I'll never understand
and there was always my mother so he always needed another plan

we were technically a family, the few of us just us three
in a house like a boxing ring the loving was left up to me
four poor walls held together by two wedding rings begrudgingly
you could starve to death there if you were the one hungry for sympathy

my mom was a violent woman, a true fighter
hot tempered and her temper would start hot fires
at a young age I was inspired to learn to fight back because I was tired
of the beatings, of the yelling, of fake apologies, of the mire

we were a family but how she handled us I will never admire
she wanted us forever but the fates conspired

we were a family through all of the calls to the police
we were a family through the jealousy, the paranoia, and the deepening grief
we were a family that went to war and ignored peace
we were a sick body on it's knees that knew only disease and no relief

then of course we were a sailing ship forced on it's inevitable course
Divorce
then us three became him, and her, and me, the source
now I have no recourse to heal those old sores

My dad was a boxer and my mom was a volatile pyre
fourteen years on that noose and fears are all I've acquired
what transpired has made me hollow and lonely and scared of today because of the prior
and whoever tells you, you could survive that unscarred is the worst kind of liar

oh how we worship the pretty people
despite them being the source of so much evil
and lust to be just like them
we find so much ******* believable and think each of them a gem

the glamorous, the beautiful, the ****
"did you see the new tweet? after the show I hope they text me!"

we follow them through the movies into their church steeples
hollywood and all it's heights of it's anointed peoples
the magazines are their bibles and we hold none of them liable
for the lies they've told or the lives they ruin being unreliable
with every story they're spinning
they want us to believe they're "winning"

marriage, divorce, wife number three
new baby carriage, move to the golf course, life under palm trees
remain calm and know things are always ok if you can sing and be pretty
I pity the soulless with hot faces, no social graces but lots of *** in the city

and we love their scandals we can't get enough
every news stand proving america has more than a crush
on the movie stars, on the models, on their cars, on the rush
of thinking we could be them if we just got a new nose and a tuck

who put Brangelina's kids' new brother on every magazine cover
but never the military heroes who live to protect you while they duck for cover?

**** the sheep who keep the weakness in our families
who want the news filled with the new runways fashion and grammys
instead of the problems that need solutions and what real life should mean
we need action and my reaction is to lift the small faction of thinkers up to be seen
we need a cause to cut loose the famous like weights and hate their *******
ignore the models, shun the actors, pay the teachers, appreciate the surgeons

being pretty is a gift not a skill
being hot isn't exactly curing cancer or healing the ill
but we still want what we can't have, much worse than reality
another prada handbag under the disposable christmas tree

them or us, I don't know what's a worse diversion
I guess I'm just not pretty enough to be a "real" person

Newport Beach, what is it with this town everybody drives too fast
yeah we all noticed your lime green Ferrari when you sped past you *******
"vanity plates" doesn't begin to describe the aluminum cast egos
"RICHFOX", IGOTABS", "FASTCEO", plates on a Bentley
"My other car is a Land Rovy", "*** I heart ME"
and these stiff ****** walking around in hand tailored three piece suits
they'd have em sewn outta greenback cash if it was weatherproof
three thousand dollar watches on hands reaching into deeper pockets
they've got money clips where their ***** should be but that’s OK
because their personal trainer's just ******* em for their money anyway
I wish I had thought sooner to invest in a Hoover vacuum and some safety glasses
I could've made a fortune having the fat ****** out of their pampered *****
lazy ***** skipping out on two-hundred a month gym passes
or on a treadmill in six hundred dollar Dolce and Gabana glasses

Jealousy isn't my point it's the way they treat me
I roll up a sleeve, show a little ink and suddenly I'm beneath their feet and sinking
it's an interesting cliche the Orange County caste system
I'm an untouchable on the wrong side of the money math's division
I'm lucky to get a Hi, Hello, or How's your morning going
forget about small talk on the elevator it's a capitol offense but in their defense they are pretty busy
Blackberry, cell phone, head set, text the boss, black cherry, compact, secretary's lip gloss
plus they can smell how much my cologne cost and by their looks i just smell filthy without the rich
I don't speak any French but does "couture" mean self-centered *****?

Newport what is it with this town everybody loves themselves too much
they're living life for the corporate success ladder climbing gush
55 at the 5 by the 405 and the 22: the Orange crush
every freeway you ever needed to feel free to live in a huge rush
the reason their sick cars mash six speeds on a German clutch
to hurry up and get to next seasons sales meeting about nothing much

Newport what is it with this town they aren't birthing humans they're breeding the rich
working the counters for the nouveau riche
Newport everyone I've encountered in this town is a self centered *****

prepared for any kind of fight; rifle, helmet, knife, even glaring teeth
she comes at me like I'm a hive of bees
but who can blame her, after all, who's really adequately prepared to handle me

she only cuts shallow and jabs, never stabs for the heart
unlike me, she won't ****, unsuited to play that part
she's a survivor, she heals, I'm a comet in it's one bright radiance before breaking apart

anxiety makes you shudder like a dump truck coming down a bumpy street
depression dictates who you call, when you work, what you eat
if you're not bipolar then i'm afraid the three of us will probably never meet

punching clinched fists through doors is a cheap circus trick
but taking out the anger is dangerous without something to hit
because it pours it up, tries to drink itself down, and drowns everything around it

my remorse stiffens me in bed next to her sleepless I wear the darkness, rigamortis and black suit
I feel my poison wilt her, bend her stems, dull her colors, shrink her roots
i have burned all the wood in her pile just getting started a fire the size of my selfish pursuits

carrying sandbags roped onto me one parent and sibling at a time
dragging the chains of days barely survived still hooked into my skin like the other memories of their kind
I stall her pace, hold her back, make her trudge uphill, I make her climb
but her undaunting patience somehow persists in her, in me: still, calm waters sublime

She comes at me like I'm a hive of bees prepared for any king of fight
only wanting to save me, to heal me, to give sleep back to my nights
bread for it, I show teeth and cut for blood and she continues to be the definition of grace in my life

It flows through me passing into me taking part of me as it leaves
streaming by like a heavy wind draining my fresh hopes it thieves
time
is taking more from me than even the breaking of me took to survive
now nothing mends as days past by lend only distance contrived
this fall into passing years has found no bottom yet
and it makes every instance I hear the words "I love you" another debt

and I have paid, I have paid and bled and learned to bend
only to bleed again and lose friends and find withdrawals with no end
time
is the riptide I struggle in, being swept farther from any safe shore
it is the hungry predator that never quite kills but thirsts always for more
more of my life eaten
more of my flesh beaten
more so I'm made the ******
never, never, never does it rest while I'm still breathing

none of the new years are kind and the months are more of their cruel kind
the days and the minutes become the haunting ties that bind

I am so far from any good memory that I miss them like childhood loves
time has become a terrible keeper keeping me from rising above

all I want is to look forward into my days and see hope for happiness
as my youth slips, I see time is not a clock on a wall it's an illness
it's not a hand on a dial
it's the cost of every step of every mile
it's not a chime on the hour
it's the pain that makes aging sour
it's not a schedule for sleep
it's the loss of every yesterday it keeps

and I've had my fill of the chills and it's hurtful tricks
time is the illness we all share as it ticks
time is my best days gone, my illness with quickly burning wick
and with it, I am so sick

I can't seem to forget all the ways I loved
the wrong hearts for so many days past
and I can't seem to erase the brutal memories my mind won't let go of
after learning that false love exists and that it's deep wounds last

fear has become the background to my every new desire
and every soft affection I have now needs a gasp of air
it puts a chill on my every new beginning's fire
and it repeats it's horrible lesson that life is never fair

keep me safe from the wretched redundant reminders
and keep for me my heart, the abandoned waif
and make the days spent away from hope a bit kinder
please keep my pains locked away, behind walls, in your strongest safe

I've no innocence left to give a new lover
there's no whole pieces of who I was left to fit back together
I don't have a way to hold you that won't smother
and I don't seem to have any beliefs that the past won't sever

there are no blank pages left in this soul
and I can't see bright days for it coming
not because of age, but because of loss, I feel so old
and overcome by the sad rhythm I alway catch myself humming

tired from treading oceans, I sink with pockets full of stones
and I am alone in ways only sea floors know
so I become the drowning and suffering and fractured bones
to survive I learn to hate, with black hate I can't seem to let go

after the purity that's been lost could I still be worth saving?
could I ever be seen as silver to be polished?
could I really be anything you've been craving,
after all of the past infliction has demolished?

the dreams of possibly still having spiritual love just tease me
and etch the permanence of it's absence in dark inked tattoos
and I hurt knowing that no kiss and no touch and no *** can release me
because any time spent together is just a closeness askew

so I turn the next bottle on it's head to see the bottom
knowing I could've have health and my baby son's love
but somehow I pushed summer colors into a fading autumn
and chose a life of lament for everyone I disposed of

now ambitions fade like stained glass at sunset
and my dreams choke down the realities of each day
and this heart in poverty pays only pennies of it's lonely debts
while the words and poems come out obtuse no matter what I say

my existence and it's damnable persistence
is more than the daily revisions of my self can survive
so I put the ice in another numbing glass
thinking of the younger me and the ways I use to thrive

kiss me, tell me I am worth loving, say I can find guiding light
grab me, hold me, tell me I am worth never sleeping alone at night
deliver me, come rescue me, give me a sanctum away from the spite
save me dear someone, please, convince me I can stop the bleeding after this fight

he don't talk much now that his spirit been broke
a man of few words that lost the joy a smile evokes
he don't speak of the good times anymore
feeling all the money in his pockets has left him poor
he don't raise his head much when he writes
ignoring the lovers and families around him tonight
he just pushes that pen looking for solutions and answers
scared of every lonely day coming like a slow cancer
he hates the eyes staring back in the mirror's glare
he hates the ways he sees that they use to care
and prayer don't work 'cause no one ever whispers back
he's a slow, trudging train on the endless track
of regret pushing and shoving for redemptions
feeling love all around him and his own lowly exemption
and he'll chat with you if you ask
but the words and stories you'll hear are just a mask
secretly he holds hands with a little boy
who's not coming back to be his favorite dandy toy
he's still holding his hand and only looking back
surviving each of his heart's attacks
with the bottle, with a guise, using memories to patch the cracks
and peace is all he asks

how I pray for him to find a healing, completely
dear God, how I wish he wasn't me

I held on through your jealousy and fear
your deep insecurities and I held you near
I survived the conversations about the terrible what if’s
silly girls in beach jeans and all the fights and tiffs

all I wanted was a piece of the movie star dream
beauty and money like you only see on the screen
I thought I could cheat the universe if I truly believed
thought if I built us an island you’d never leave

I sat with you and listened to the stories you’ve never told
held your hand and said to go out and be bold
I tried with all of the strength in this body to inspire you
bragged about your glow and hoped you know I desire only you

I can’t hand you happiness or I’d send it to your shore in bottles
I can’t stop your pains or slow the hurt when you push the throttle
there are no more ways for me to prove what I already have
no ways for me to glue back together the two of us you’ve halved

I can’t undrink the bottles or unyell the words or light the dim rooms
there’s no way for me to bake the cake with a wax bride and groom
now I’m slipping into the darkness where you tucked us away
and I’ve run out of words to say because you’re about to throw us away

I’m about to lose my love to the same person that said it would always stay
I crumple and I tarnish because you’re about to throw us away

A B c D E F G h i J K L M n O P Q R S t U V W X y Z


everything I need to change the world around me.

even with all the love letters that I've sent
I know I don't kneel low enough to really repent

all you ever ask of me
was to give myself unrestrained, completely
but so much of me lives in the past
always I'm the drifting ship without a mast
and you always knew it
but me leaving you proved it
now your anger is almost all I feel
seen in every passing glance I steal
and I can't blame you
for hating what is true

now I'm cashing in memories just to wear a smile
but the sore pangs of life's true cost come every new mile
and every thought of what's lost drives me into someone's arms
looking to find the same protection and charm
but stranger after stranger makes my life a little stranger
and where there could be new connections there is only mistrust and anger

and the ache of constant questioning drowns me in another drink
and I swallow the color from another glass till I'm back over the sink
facing that awful mirror that always tells the truth
that silently describes how the tears in these eyes are the proof
that I don't know how to love you more than I did
and I know it fell so short of everything you wanted
and now I know I regret it myself too
all the needed things I couldn't give you

but I don't know now who I am without you here
when I look backward to our past I see myself then so clear
all I can do now is give these apologies for all your realized fears
that I couldn't be the true love that you could always hold dear

do you feel the same?
that without faith, grace had no name
that before salvation the war looked like a game
that addictions weren’t monsters, just pets to be tamed?

the excuses never made sense no matter how many times I explained
I had no acquaintance with restraint or refrain
Indulgence was my starlight; bright but only in the dark, everywhere and impossible to contain
and I always found someone else, knew someone else, found another way to blame

**** it all, I jumped in grinning into the brawl, I ran the gamut of lust in my fall
and it all started with red hot frustration and sweet, soft temptation
and chances to cheat and win and do it again without facing weakness and I gave in to it all
opportunities to fake it through the hatred and I lied through black smiles at them all

pain
makes the feeling heart bleed, and the gritted teeth crack, and the demons feed, and the memories all come back
maligned
and the hatred plants the seeds then the anger waters the vine
and the brokenness strengthens the thorns then the blackness starts to climb

up my solid ground, up my aching spine, up my choking throat, upside down into my mind
and I reached for bottles, and I reached for pills, and I knelt for coke lines
but I never knelt for the divine
what would a God do with a vommiting waste of my kind?
judgement sounded so unkind
we men are wretched things sang to me in every song, in it’s every every line, in each instrument’s chime
and anyway… anyway… who could overcome spent time
no, this slow burning suicide was my forever, my chosen lover, mine all mine

because look what I had done with what I was given, look at the killer I had been
look at the people I had run through and scars I had gouged caressing my sins
how would I ever begin again?
What does it even look like to begin again?

I found rock bottom will a shovel and a map
I was digging and it was my intention and I was never coming back
I laid in my own grave
how many people can say that?

I had burned every love letter family ever written me without thinking twice
and I had spit in the face of everyone who cared enough to run to my rescue with advice
and I had bullied the playground and never played nice
I had cut the wrists of my own life in unstitchable ways with self destruction as my knife to be sure I died

but just when it was truly just a few words from over, just where my poems always ended
hanging in the margin of the page just past that last line something was amended
I wanted to live
and I wanted to be happy
and I was scared
that I never could be

in those last twilight words on the paper, written by the me everyone had met, peddling pretty failure
as I sank in my waste, choking on my entire personality’s behavior
under the ominous weight of all my precious loss and terrible regret for everything I had wagered
I met my savior

He didn’t ask for blood or gold or indignity or shiny things I owned
and He didn’t punish under foot or berate with words for my every action He didn’t condone
He didn’t hate me and He wasn’t concerned with what was past now and He didn’t offer a loan
He just spoke to me, in that hushed moment, to tell me I didn’t have to be
alone
quietly, He said simply, “set down that house key, and come home”

Lord
thank you
Lord God thank you
for letting me finally rest
for saving me
for letting me come home

I didn't dream about my ex wife last night
it spared me from waking to the cutting pains of that knife

I didn't tear up in the mirror when I saw the age that I've reached
or lose it as my head replayed the sermon's my regrets all preach

I didn't throw up in the shower like I do when I'm sobering off of ***
or shiver from the withdrawals of youth in realizing what I've become

I didn't make a face as I buttoned pants around a spreading waist
or throw a tantrum at the memory of all the beauties I once chased


when every one of my days could be defined by it's miseries
I guess life is all about the little victories


I didn't pull my truck into the other lane hoping for an end
I didn't miss the dollars I badly need that I was dumb enough to spend

I got a smile from a kind faced friend as I got to work
and it was just enough to distract me from my lack some self worth

I don't look nice in my second hand clothes but I got a compliment
and it helped me not look back all day at the ways my life could've went

and I made it home regardless of all the aching that surviving my day took
and I managed to crawl into bed alone without crying till I shook


but when everyday I take on could be defined by it's miseries
I guess life is all about the little victories


I haven't seen my baby son in six months but I didn't put my pistol to my head today
I held on to the prayerful hope that I'll have the chance again to see his smiling face

when every single one of my days could be defined by it's misery
I guess my life is all about my little victories

my tallest towers so proud and most needed bridges
are just sandcastles too close to the shore
all of my kingdom carved all the valleys and ridges
can't weather my storms and wash away once more

being bi-polar kills you slowly but you never forget that you're dying
as each new attack comes even more fierce than before
family can forgive doctors can try but there's no denying
there's more pain in store and it's going to end just like before

with me trying to remember the cruel things I said in a rage
painfully recalling the monster I become without knowing
tearing at loved ones and shrinking the size of my cage
trying to recognize the face in the mirror with so many scars showing

and knowing that all of the days I feel great are only mania, not inspired
my accomplishments just the bi-product of a sickness infused
and they will all be burned down to ash in my fires
and a tattered soul so sick will continue to be abused

I ache so painfully in ways that make me insane
on my knees even without faith praying for anything I might regain
sick with wishing for answers to the behaviors I can't explain
spitting up, in cringes, bleeding out tears I can't contain

this beautiful life is so cruel through my eyes
in sunsets I see only the cold of the coming night
adoring a heart like mine isn't wise
and that truth leaves me to be alone in this fight

love the good in me because it's here if only fleeting
love my warm spirit as it loves you deeply too
love me for my depth and keep my heart beating
know that I cherish the peace I find with arms around you

then fear me for my outbursts and hateful tantrums askew
learn my love comes at a terrible price never paid
grow to hate me for words said and things I do
it's the unbearable cost of an unsurvivable trade

I might have days that I shine like gold
all they are
is my story half told

I am a monster

I am a monster

little dark ring of scars
my reminder
where a wedding band use to be
dusty gray ring of ash
my reminder
of where that fire use to warm me

lord can it be?
that regret is calling me
down into those times?
I should have seen the coming loss
before I ever paid the cost
now I'm lost between two timelines

and everybody feels and sees
that shattered hearts don't heal or ease
we just learn new ways to breathe
and on knees you can beg and plead
but the regret just chews and feeds
and you have to learn again how to breathe

now the treasure maps all lead to empty chests
and reminders
calling me back to my home burned down
and pleasures trap me and tempts with rest
feigning life a little kinder
only stalling the attack of wedding roses turned brown

lord can it be?
the voices calling me
all lead back to time long gone?
I should have known the cost contrived
that all love has loss to be survived
now I'm torn between two lives

and now every rainbow ends
at missing gold I had to spend
to learn love isn't yours to keep at the end
love is never yours to befriend
it's just a waking dream that someone lends
and everybody knows shattered dreams never mend

the little dark ring of scars and their intent
my reminder
love isn't yours it's only lent
and love is never any kinder

you might have flaws but you're my best friend
you're my one cause until all your pain ends
I want to give you love, I will give you true love
all I ask in return is that you keep the belief that together we rise above
every demon feeds on different parts of a beaten heart
every uncaring love that's come close stumbles your new start
what you don't remember yet is that I've always been here
and until you know you can depend on me I'll be the one that keeps you near

this music is just for you
can you hear it?
this love is a fact proven true
and you never have to fear it

you always have a hand to hold yours because I'll never make a fist
you can let go and take comfort in this fall because there's no risk
I'll be what you've been taught to give up hoping for
I'll give you closeness craved until you feel satisfied then I'll give you more

smash the statues and tear the paintings off the walls in your life's museum
you never have to walk those halls, there's no call anymore to have to see them

we began a new story with the first kiss in each other's arms
our pages never write down the imperfections of the world that would cause us harm
we own the moments, these are ours to keep just for us
these are the times that remind us what it means to trust

I know you need the pain to stop, someone to fight for you, a true best friend
so I'm your guiding light until life's bright for you and it's dawn in your heart again

with my feet on the ground
and my head in the clouds
I try to survive this trip stepping around
every stranger in the strange crowds

dreamers have no place in this world
so my heart fights my day job habits
my creativity shot from cannons is hurled
while I run down holes chasing white rabbits


have I lost my mind?
where was it before I asked?
did all the drugs politely turn down all the questions of my kind?
did every line of coke spell answers to my lifelong pain masked?


with my tie on to make a dollar
I can shake your hand with the fakest of faces
but the relief I need to loosen the collar
always leaves little strung out traces

but isn't life made to never count one person?
isn't that why we marry and breed?
so we have misery's company as the days worsen
and an excuse for the green bill greed


you think I fear the conference room meeting?
I'm more afraid of Captain Hook
because as I grow down I realize the stories
were precious distractions from all the beatings I took


******* wear my life for a day and try to endure the hurt
I've learned the pain killers that go down like spoonfuls of sugar
I've learned to suture when the blood spurts
and the bars and friends with compliments will always be my pushers

so with feet on the ground where the killers carry all the keys
I keep my head above all that's you spell out as real
and I'll never take another **** on my knees
because the pushers and the wonderlands make sure I never have to feel