I honestly don't know how I got here
I truly think I
must've taken the wrong streets
I don't think that this looks like my house
these don't look like my things
I wouldn't have come if I had known
that I would be intruding
I must of lost my way a little ways back

can someone tell me how to make my way home
I'd like to go home

the roar in my head
is the rush all around me
people rushing by
as the fear rushes in
suddenly I'm waist deep
suddenly I'm neck deep
suddenly I'm drowning
in this room getting full
and the strangest part is strangers swimming by
smiling like they know me
and all my words head for the surface
but don't make a sound

I close my eyes
to take it all in
this trip I took
taking all the wrong streets
and I know there's no reason to ask
and there's no one to blame
when I write all the rules
then change them all when I lose the game
when I create the calm and all the chaos
that comes down on me
so I try to calm the chaos and calm down
and open my eyes wide enough to see

my shirt doesn't quite fit
my face isn't quite me
this looks just like my life
but it just couldn't be
the suns a little dim
the world seems a little small
I seem a little older
and there's no music at all
and all my friends have different names
and I have lost it
so I head for the door

seeing everything change has made me lose it
and I head for the door

the door comes open
more comes crashing inside
I let it all back in
all the things i tried to hide
all the hopes i had hoped
the ways i miss friends
all the times that I choked
the ways I'm scared it will end
how it's funny how mirrors won't lie
like people will
sometimes you've gotta get a look at your life
like no one else ever will

can someone tell me how to make my way back
I'd like to go home
someone told me that you never get it back
that you can't go home

I'd like to go home

what was it god intended
when he took the inspiration
of angels
ran his fingers over the clay
and sculpted the delicate shape
of a woman

surely it was the devil
he meant to make
with the temptations
he carved into curves
and skin and bright emerald eyes

what heaven besides his own
did he search for
in the creation of long soft hair
and gorgeous lips

what love he must have known
lie in the embrace,
the closeness in the touch
only in the arms
of the delicate shape
of a woman

darling gypsy flower how I adore you girl
rhythmic, teasing, bright light dancer how I love you
your essence, your glimmering, shining smile
the way your lips curl up when I kiss you
golden voiced whisperer of my sweetest wishes
poetry your only language, how you speak to me
I am yours and no money can buy me
you are mine and no trial can take you
my faith is only in you and you are completion
you are my island and I find ecstasy in every bite
down your neck
over your shoulders
tasting your tummy
my hands, I trace you like I was painting you on smooth paper
you are my wandering star how you sing to me
with every beat I feel your music
gorgeous gypsy explorer how you stroll through me
my
etherial
baby love crush
how I need you
and darkness never takes you from my sight
I see you even in my dreams
when you sleep I count your breaths each a blessing
when I wake to you I know happiness
my
every reason
every change of season I am with only you
I hear only your words
"love me"
and I do
deep into my being

walking out the door to score the first pour
or headed to the store to buy more, more, more
alcohol slides over my lips and burns my gums
look out depression because here I come
unforgivable and dumb
my decision in choosing again to succumb
to filling my throat with hateful *** just to go numb

unbelievable the cost of the lines I’ve crossed
the hours and days I've lost
the vicious shifting of minutes across
the abacus rods to the side of loss
the moments of my life I accost

my happy endings sent marching to their deaths
an insult to the true preciousness
of every one of life’s next breaths

I stop and think of all the terrible acts and hate crimes
that I've committed since the addiction in my lifetime
my steady, self inflicted decline
and the horrors that have come from my anebriated mind
the sickness embodied in drinking, thinking it’s not filth and grime

one of life's few real truths
is that we have so little of it in our youth
we have so little of it to define ourselves
it doesn’t halt, it doesn’t pause it can’t be contained or stored on shelves
it will never refrain from moving along
with or without your happiness time moves on

writing this down in sobriety now
or reading this later aloud
drunk and probably too loud
for a crowd of one person not proud
I’ll wonder how
how I do this to myself again and bow down
to a voluntary disease that only brings storm clouds

I've been taught better than this
I've been treated better than this
I've been shown and really seen clearly my life’s gifts
so why do my actions always need forgiveness

how is it I burn the pages of my own plans
how is my touch capable of the murders of a killers hands
I don’t know how an able body like mine can
refuse to stand up like a man

I’m dragging myself to an inevitable end
with every sip I take and every bar dollar I spend
and every gushing wound I refuse to mend
everytime I choose ***** over the company of a friend

i can put the vitamins back in my body
and pretend my ledger isn’t red it’s just a little spotty
and that I wasn’t that bad I was just a little naughty
and say that I make everyone laugh when I’m *****

but those rows of abacus beads on the wrong side that I tossed
tell a different story of a war fought and lost
and a power that remains with the victor unchanged
and a coward carrying a bottle like a cross

and every day there is a line drawn, and then right now is gone
with or without my happiness, time moves on

when the spell of my nights dream is first broken
by the morning lights intrusion
making my grasp on you
dreary lucidity’s longing for illusion
I fight to stay
needing what I have when sleeping
and wanting nothing from the day
here in the haze where the memories loom
the aftertaste of the past nights dream blooms
here I have you again
never to lose another day again
realizing the greatest of wishes ascent
takes only an emotion and a moment spent
my every thought is of you

there is a hiding place in the corner of my mind
so filled with affections unfaded it is unaffected by time
it is lit so bright by gold sunshine
that I can see my heart unguided by my mind
I can see myself truly and my wants are only mine
I can see the truth that is normally covered and gray
my truths usually consumed
by the common tasks of a day
as each day counts us further away
I can feel my heart as it cringes and twists
and longs for the truer pursuits’ gift
the courage to pursue the truth that I love you

by any route that I can reach you, I must
through any hail-frozen storm of my emotions
over any mile of land or league of ocean
with any bruise beaten or bone broken
past all discouragement and carrying all fears
I must reach you

because beyond any lust or common desire
lies an edge at which we all must stand
to peer down into the fall that is ours to live
the place we let go of all but faith
and risk a bottom to hit, to have to face
or an endless fall to learn to fly in grace
I must fall for you

there is a clarity in the moments before
consciousness steals me into the day
where my heart still sleeps where it most rests
and my truer wants stay protected from the common tasks of a day
where I am with you and I taste you again
where I pull you in to kiss your skin and take in it’s scent
and feel your shape like I was carving you from stone
feel your hair fall softly on me as we lay still
I eat you with a hunger never filled
I need you and this longing hungers still
all I want is you

then I wake alone to wandering somewhere in my thoughts
between what was, what is, and what may never be again
your final gift to me as I depart and drift into the day
a last kiss as you tell me it’s a lie for me to try and stay
as I lose you to a place I cannot intentionally travel
you tell me not to fall for you, to let this fray and unravel
but I fight to remain near your fire
until brief flickers of your light
are the fading path behind me as I wake
and I lose you again
to the common tasks of a day
the simple things we do just to get by
I walk away from that edge and give you up to my fears
the thinking minds control of the feeling heart
I let it all unravel

though you walk the streets and live in daylight
and I pass by you here and there
I am scared to love you anywhere
but by night
in my dreams

I don’t want to feel this alive
only in my dreams

I must reach you

I've been sedated and sold
bought by gypsy ways
my inhibitions have been stolen
by mundane sober days

I've been troubled and wandering
trying to find a place to lay
but the sleeping don't bring rest
so I found a place to play

shisha smoke fills my mouth
MDMA rolls hard
in the back of my eyes

and there's no feeling lonely
no hours to own me
no imperfections to hold me
in knowing no place as home

in my eyes
child fires
bright with delight
and hunger for more

my memory written down quickly
in thin white asp bite lines
crimes of the right mind
the creative souls borderlines

sweat rolls over my body
my arms find the sky
I can't see the ugliness
spying through childs eyes

with my hands
razor blade shakes
my poetry's written
one line at a time

and there's no feeling helpless
no reminders of distress
wandering free and careless
in knowing no place as home

in my eyes
child fires
bright with delight
and hunger for more

I hear music even in the hush
MDMA lusch, I crave life
with a violent crush
with two wide lines
and the life of one white pill
my life is filled
with more beauty than I can stand
until I can't even stand

jealousy
it's forced regrets are ****** me
it steals the songs from lullaby's
it steals all rest from sleep at night
it's eating me one tooth filled grin at a time
it hates with hate filled lovers crimes
I'm cringing sick I can't escape the wreck
the squeezing grip it has around my neck
I'm losing hope with every painful breath
there's no sign of it's end in length or breadth
it beats, it brawls, it scars, it darkens the sun
I use to think that I was the only one
until all that jealousy stole
it's consuming me whole

what happened to the hope filled light
in my bright eyes that could see through any fight
now I'm lost in every one of her wrongs
where has all of me gone?
consumed by her consummation with lies

I miss my bright eyes

jealousy
pondering where she could be
imagining my wide imaginations worst
thinking of her affections with a choking thirst
who has her hand and where she wears those skirts
who can get close with lines and flirts
fearing all a man can fear alone
fearing down into aching bones
this is a war I cant win filled with brimstone and spite
it keeps me wondering and wandering the streets at night
it steals the light from two bright eyes
the ephemeral boys' once beautiful view of life
I think of all the things my new outlook holds
jealousy is consuming me whole

surprised by her consummation with all of these lies
I miss my bright eyes

My trust must be a little rusty
because I can't hear truth when I hear the words
trust me
lies like paper cuts **** up my memories
that still bleed when I feel
I'm still bleeding cause hearts don't heal
scars never forget and I never forget what I feel
I wouldn't say I'm jaded
but fake kisses taste just the same
so I'm just cautious
with where I get on and get off this
it's a long way down if you look
but if you don't you're blind and naive

so what the **** does that leave to believe

this world takes strength to endure
nothings ever forever and nothings for sure
so take it all with a grain of salt
and try not to choke on what you swallow
if today is ****
don't rest there's more **** tomorrow
and this ride doesn't end
so stop looking for an ending
this rip tide is for real
so stop reaching for and depending
on anyone who says trust me
cause it's just you in the end

and what the **** does that leave to believe in

so say a little prayer that the truths you believe
are really reality
and pray once more for me that this life
doesn't **** the rest of the belief out of me
because my soul is on fire with doubt
I am down in the ****
and I can't see my way out
because I am blind and naive

so what the **** does that leave for me to believe

I have to stop the thoughts of you
running around my head
I've no escape from their tantrums
they're reminders of hurtful things I've said
they're a look back into the places
where we lived and loved but fought
they're whispers of broken christmases
and looks at presents I never bought
they're kisses I never got from you
because I never made it home
overdosed on the night's escape
a rotted king, a hospital throne
they're the things that forever haunt me
following my footsteps back to the bar
they're the pain I've cause in everyone
in causing things to be the ways they are


hate me away
take back all I've borrowed
hate me because I betray
please hate away your sorrow
hate me for what I've taken and can't repay
despise my every sad tomorrow

hate me in ways that let you free from me
it's the only way I can ever give you peace  


I have to stop the days I sadden you
I have to **** the way I make it true
that no matter what I promise
my actions won't prove a love for you
I've been without so much for so long
that I should appreciate all you have to give
I should've cherished your soft presence
in every day since, that I have lived
but I never put you above myself
I never helped or held you up so high
now the only way I affect you
is with a commitment that makes you cry
you always fully forgave me
for all the crimes that I'd commit
now it's you I have to protect
In asking your heart only for this split

hate me away
take back all I've stolen
hate me for the foul days
that could have shined and been golden
hate me for my every terrible display
despise me deeply, hate my emotions

hate me in ways that let you free from me
it's the only way
I
can ever give you peace

Pristine
the feeling of my feelings being clean
if you've never needed cleansing
never been truly *****
then you won't know what I mean
if you've never sniffed your rent money
to forget the failure you mirror has seen
then you don't know how mean
being a filthy version of yourself can seem
impossible to overcome
needing solutions to problems you see
tragedy your life has trouble hiding
the stealing of your ability
to live life comfortably
stolen by your shortcomings

I am *****
and scrubbing the ******* skin
scared the filth will sink in
trying to wash it off
and all to often
rubbing the dirtiness in

nothing is pretty when your life hurts
there's no new beginning
when you feel you’re at an end
and always asking the question
would it truly matter
if I end me

I often offend the healthy
with my rantings of the hell that's inside me
anxiety writhing in my mind
my mental health on a steady decline

I light fires in self destruction
hoping to burn it all down
and find the light hiding on the other side
true I mostly make mistakes when my hate’s feeding
but mistakes tend to teach
if you reach for their meaning

so be humble and don't judge me
you'd ******* crumble
carrying what I carry inside me
but I'm still standing
maybe teetering on the fence
in all my decisions of
needs I have versus my inhibitions
but it takes all my strength
just to get out of bed in the morning
and be me
needing to feel pristine

Let’s take a tour through the galaxy
I’ll show you the stars hung just for me
We’ll dance in their light like Fred Astaire
Quite the pair, ignoring everyone’s stares
We'll be the two hottest on this date tonight
Let’s overdress and wink when we fight
We'll cut spot to spot, swanky jet setters
Limousine roof out, we’re red carpet steppers
Piano keys open all the doors for us to go
Slipping back stage to see the real show
Sipping martinis till the next party starts
Tripping farther down the boulevard

We don’t ruin the night with conversation
You and me honey we’re a revelation
We don’t mix the night with conversation
You and me honey we’re a revelation

Don’t say it out loud I can hear you thinking
It’s not about talking it’s the champagne drinking
I join you for another glass or three
I like the way it makes you stare at me
I get stuck in your quicksand eyes
Your two lips become my slow demise
The darkest corner of this club sparks up
Like diamonds and gems you light it up
then...

Your hair’s a mess, my tux a wreck
I wrinkled your dress, you bruised my neck
You lost an earring, you bit my chest
My back is scratched and you’re still outta breath

We don’t ruin the night with conversation
You and me honey we’re a revelation
We don’t mix the night with conversation
You and me honey we’re a revelation

i can see it in the glow in your eyes
and i know you’re mine
and we talk and we laugh and we play
and i know you’re mine

yes i love to sleep in your arms i say
and i’ll let you hear the words
if it makes you feel it makes it alright

my heart’s not mine i’m forever hers i say
you stare and you smile and you ask
if it’s alright that you stay
and all the words mean nothing
when you hear what you want to hear
and you hear what you want

and so we turn this room into
a secret kept between us two
and you keep the secret from yourself
of my heart broken in two
and our charade continues

though she owns the other half
you have to have what you want
and all i want is to feel this here with you

you push the buttons on your shirt
and i see her shape
you run your fingers through my hair
and i feel her hands
tonight here with you
i’ll be with her

why why why how can this be
this has happened to me
you want me so much and her so little
and me feeling so little and wanting her
so much
how can this be when i dared to dream

i see the sun trace her lines
like i’ll lose my mind
staring at the skin so bright
it makes me blind to the world
watching the gold sun colors of love
run down her neck
and over her shoulders
and across her tummy
and it’s all more than me

and it’s been more than me
for far too long

you smile and you kiss me and pretend you don’t see
my hands making love to her memories
kissing her in tattered pictures
picturing her here with me
but it’s all in my head
and it’s always been
for far too long
and all i want is to feel this
here with you

and so i turn this all into
an empty afternoon between us two
and i keep the secret from myself
of my heart fixed by you
my heart could be fixed by you

tonight i’ll sleep in your arms
and i’ll be with her

each day is a poem the hours spell
each a chance for peace within ourselves
every line’s an opportunity for eyes without a bruise
but opportunities passed on just pass on through
time lost is a short road to regret
looking back is all a moment wasted begets

I can’t reach the clock to turn back the hands
I can’t reach back and have the time again
when did I become
so unsighted to today
when did I start to shove my spirit away
when did I become so anger-torn and frayed
when I forgot the pains that cut like a knife,

how regret and anger can burn a life


each day is a love song of a heart feeling well
each a love story the moments tell
every word a chance for our selves to be soothed
but opportunities shunned just slide on through
time wasted is a long fall into regret
longing for the moments lost and squandered and spent

I want to reach the clock to turn back the hands
I want to turn the glass and return the sands
when did I become
so naive to the gift of today
when did I start to throw opportunities away
when I forgot the pains that have been my strife,

the regret and anger that have burned my life


the sands, they only fall