I shoot for the stars aiming to part of sky. To shine for even a little while is worth it. I run towards my dreams. Seeing my reality sprawled across the pages like a pet cat looking for love.
The rebel with a silver tongue. The wild yet mild mannered reporter with a tender heart gazing into the dangerous, loud world hoping to become something. Reading books to have a world to be free from society's grasp on my identity as a female writer.

Forever Ago, you were in my arms as we cuddled nakedly together in my bed.
Forever Ago, you told my dad we were a couple.
Forever Ago, you told the whole town about our nights.
Forever Ago, I called a ****** for being with you by people I didn't know.
Forever Ago, you were mine.

So my friend and I have flirting back and forth for a while. She told that she is interested in me and I told her that I am interested in her. So I asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend and she said yes. So now she is my girlfriend.
She has light blue eyes, blonde hair, pale skin and black framed glasses.

I am saying goodbye to you in a gift. I will set you free. I am cutting the cord of this toxic connection. Your darkness and bitterness don't belong in my sweetness and light. Where I grow, you wither.
Where you see a forever, I see how doomed this friendship was from the beginning. Your emotional abuse, your mentally draining soul don't belong next to my kind, brave soul. I don't need you because I never did in the first place. You just convinced me that I did. I have a loving, dysfunctional family and amazing friends.
I don't need you degrading my little sister. I don't need you sexually harassing me. I don't need you begging for us to be more than friends. I don't need you depressing me with your trauma. I can't heal you and I can't help so you are hopeless.
So I am going to start the New Year off right by having my hope back.

She works with me and we have known each other for years.
Not much have changed. She is still her and I am still me. I mean that in the best way possible. I make her laugh and she makes me laugh.
We always hung out with mutual friends. She is my Friend from the Past. We vibe at a positive frequency. I really don't know hip slang.
She is funny, smart, beautiful and trustworthy.

My abusive ex-boyfriend were in the Quad Cities and this was a year ago. It was December of the Gays.
The Peppermint Latte was so Gay it was chilly in the Starbucks.
I love being a demiromantic bisexual. And it ruthlessly annoyed him Kenneth Darkheart Jr.

The chocolatey sweet cream is deliciously gay.
Coffee is Emotive.
Activate the Resurrections!
Randomness. Dream Dating.
Life is very bisexual if you ask me.

Gender dysphoria,
I feel a stabbing pain in my chest.
Gender dysphoria,
I feel the pain spread across my body.
Gender dysphoria,
I feel phantom pains everywhere:
my ribs, my legs, my neck and my mind.
Gender dysphoria,
It's more of a physical pain than a mental pain.

Tick-tock, I hear the constant clicking at the back of my skull as though someone shot the back of my mind with an invisible gun.
Tick-tock, always reminding me pain is never too far away from me.
Tick-tock, gender dysphoria is looking in the mirror and feeling physical pain of being someone you already are. Wishing to be something you aren't.
Tick-tock, gender dysphoria is feeling every fiber of your being tearing away at each cell wanting you to scream in agony in it's wake.
Tick-tock, gender dysphoria is feeling like you are this thing no one wants and letting the loneliness swallow you whole.
Tick-tock, gender dysphoria is always feeling like you aren't enough to anyone.
Tick-tock, you never know how much time you have until your time is up. Luckily, I am not dying young.

I don't always feel like a woman.
I look like a woman but I don't always feel like one.
Some days I am a woman. Other days I am a man. My body doesn't change but how I feel does.
Some days I am both man and woman. I feel this way all the time.
I realize all those times I grew up with panic attacks. I was panicking about how I was expressing my gender not about my homework.
I am a gender fluid, bisexual woman.
I am not afraid to admit it now.

I always have to decide what to wear. Whether I want to wear something masculine or something feminine.
Sometimes something that is gender neutral.
So far I have only told two people know that I am gender fluid.
Everything feels new. Eventually things will be somewhat normal.

I can see you for what you are: human, demon, angel, monster and innocent bystander. Demons always hiding their agendas in the depths of their personalities. Angels, always fighting for the good of others with scars of all sorts determining their trust of humanity.
Monsters always tearing apart anyone who gets in their way in the most inhuman ways possible. Humans always in same way of chaos find themselves caught in between battles. Innocent bystanders those who don't know what war they walked in on.
Get Rid of the Pride, what are you? I will find out sooner or later. Just be honest.

I have grown muscular, thin and stronger with every year.
I have out grown my old clothes: my hand-me-downs, my Christmas presents, my old band and cross country t-shirts.
My SGA polo still fits me. I haven't changed that much.
I just have more pounds on me and I am medicated.
I still eat healthy and walk around town.
I still have coffee every morning and I still read a lot.
I still write a lot and I still love music. I haven't changed that much.
I still got my endless quirks and a sense of humor. I am better than before just medicated.

Gilded Hearts wither in the storms of life.
Gilded Hearts pass by me each day. Coaxed by their comfortable lives into a drum sound of normalcy.
Gilded Hearts are predictable in their white picket fence lifestyles.
But are they ever really living life to the fullest?
Gilded Hearts are prejudice of those different from them.
Gilded Hearts break too easily because I used to be one of them. Always with a stick up my ***. Then I learned about people who were different from me. Until I realized I wasn't Gilded Hearted at all. But someone different from the Gilded Hearts.
Where I reveal my emotional scars like trophies and the gold fades away then I am just me.
Gilded Hearts act like they are gods and goddesses when in reality: They are only human.

One Green Light is actually being understood and mutual virtues.
It's having the strangest conversations and laughing at the stupid parts. It's being included in plans with close friends and everyone having fun together. It's being spontaneous and letting the unexpected good moments happen. It's being vulnerable and them hugging you as if telling you they hear you.
Two Green Lights is losing your mind and them being concerned about you. It's hanging out with each other because the relationship is worth having. It's talking through the day or the night because the concept of time doesn't matter. It's having the hard talks and letting each other making jokes afterward since life is too short.

Grief reawakens each year yet all I can remember of my best friend is her kindness and her love. I still feel her love even though she is dead.
Well her body is dead but her spirit is very much alive.
Grief is what no one prepares you for. The constantly missing them, and knowing their spirit is with you. I always leave a space in bed for my best friend's spirit because I know she would do the same if I was dead. She died 8 years ago yet her spirit is alive.
Grief is feeling that huge scar on your heart and knowing the love you have someone else never left.

My reality is real in every sense of the word.
Imagine getting your heart torn out brutally and sadness filling up every joyful moment. It's like drowning in an ocean of your own thoughts. My bad and dark thoughts pulled up in a flash of guilt. Everything tangled up and wired at high speeds. Agony and sorrow in my mouth. Anxiety in my chest. Panic in my mind. Depression pushing out every good feeling like janga blocks. Mood swings whooshing all over the place. You think you would ever lose your best friend who gave you galaxies to dream in while giving her a realistic point of view. Anger blowing up anything it can every chance it can.

Growing up in my church I had to learn politics from the older kids.
Growing up in my church I hid my anxiousness and depression.
Growing up in my church no one got literature references because their parents forbade fantasy books from their kids at home.
Growing up in my church when I talked about the social commentary of my favorite tv shows no one understood me.
Growing up in my church when I studied Greek and Roman myths no one knew what culture I was talking about.
Growing up in my church only the older kids thought I was cool.
Growing up in my church no one told me about queer theory or gay culture I had to learn that for myself.
Growing up in my church no matter how smart I was, got praise from church moms for reading big fiction books yet I always felt lonely because my church friends only cared about my spirituality.
Growing up in my church being aggressively ignorant to why different people live their lives away from Christianity made me wish I could educate them on compassion and living a non-judgemental life.

Ten years ago. I went trick or treating with my first boyfriend.
We held hands and got lots of candy.
The funny thing is he turned out gay and I turned out bisexual.
I broke up with him on Christmas break.
He told me that I was the only girl he ever loved.
I loved him too. I felt safe and comfortable around him.
But I knew he wasn't the one for me.

No matter how you celebrate whether in hiding or among allies you are valid. I celebrate in hiding again this year but my family and friends support me. My church friends still don't know that I am bisexual. Then again I don't want my pastor to know that I am bisexual otherwise I would be kicked out of church.
I am out and proud in my town but I am in hiding at my church.
Most days I feel like both genders or somewhere in between but still me, still human; somedays, I feel like a woman and other days I feel like a man because I am a genderfluid woman. Which a whole different story. It's simple to me because I experience being genderfluid everyday. I guess anything can be simple when you experience it.
Anyways, Happy Pride Month everyone!

Walking under the blazing sun in walking yourself to a heat stroke.
Blood pumping and deep breathing is harder on the body.
It's counting blessings for the shade on that walk.
And gratitude that you made it to your destination without dying.
Walking under the blazing summer sun is brave and stupid.
But it is exercise.

*******! There is souls in life.
Google Translate Sings is awesome. People **** because death.
You are all ******* and fuckwads of your own life.
Valid is valid.

Having Both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia growing up was difficult.
My imagination was wild and I used to trust people easily.
I was competitive playing Pokemon on the DS light. I was a videogame addict and my childhood best friend was as obsessed as I was. Videogames were easy and life was hard.
I was a sensitive kid if I was yelled at I would cry, if I was angry I would cry, if I was really sad I would cry.
I didn't like being controlled by my overbearing mother so I rebelled every now and then. Sometimes I went stoic which didn't last long because my emotions used to control me. I could feel every emotion deeply because anger felt like wildfire, guilt felt like a weight on my chest, sadness felt like winter, joy felt like a day in spring, pain felt like a knife cutting through my heart and grief felt like I was stuck in darkness forever.
Having Both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia meant I kept my most trusted friends distant from me when I went manic, depressed or angry because I thought I was protecting them from me.
I thought since I was so scared of them seeing me crazy they would abandon me for having mood swings, for being empathetic, for seeing the good in people and for caring too much.
I was wrong in the best way my most trusted friends still love me even though I am medically insane because they are geniuses and to be genius you have be insane in some way.

Mentally I feel like I could sleep for days in this weird sense of calmness. Psychologically I feel at peace with my life.
Physically I keep glancing at my arm because I get worried for myself since it's healing but there is bruising around my stitches.
Healing is the art of becoming a better person to the point where ruts are just detours in life.
Healing is telling people that you survived life's traumas and grief with a resilient mind.
Healing is running into the painful memories and not backing down.
Healing is many things and many people don't know how to heal themselves because that's life.

Stitches out and I still feel the pain.
It ebbs and flows.
Bruise is fading and skin is sealing up.
Soon becoming a scar.
Healing is not so far.

My emotions show up on my face.
My mood swings are sharp and all consuming.
As the saying goes "I wear my Heart on my Sleeves".
Throughout the years I have learned to guide my mood swings to my benefit. To let the emotions flow through me and feel every ounce of them. Not stopping the emotions if it's one I don't want. Not pushing the emotion back into my heart. Just letting all of my emotions be valid, it's a peaceful and happy life to live. What I have learned is that I can't control anger and sadness. Those are the two most powerful emotions on the human spectrum. If you can't control it, feel it completely. Sure anger is a dangerous emotion but so is sadness. Guiding anger into passion to a healthy way to guide it.
Guiding sadness into happiness is a way to make the sad moments feel more valid. Having anxiety and depression ever since middle school it took awhile to guide my emotions the right way. In high school dealing with grief was like wanting to forget the tidal wave heading straight towards you but of you can't runaway from your emotions forever. I know so I have tried multiple times throughout my life. It helps no one including you. I find talking about these emotions to your closest friends who you trust helps a lot. Sure they aren't therapists but they are smart enough to know you fully. Understanding someone is the most intimate thing for we humans to do. Empathy is the ultimate intelligence. Sympathy is just surface level comfort. Empathy is walking two moons in their shoes and loving someone for what they are going through.

He says that I am not bisexual enough because I haven't slept with a single gender.
He doesn't understand how demeaning he is.
He says that *** define sexuality even though he don't know how wrong he is.
He doesn't understand how draining he is.
He says that my little sister is hot and that she probably have lots of *** with the way she looks.
He doesn't understand that his sexist comments makes me feel like ****.
He says that no girl would want me because I am crazy.
He doesn't understand that I listen to him even though I shouldn't.
He doesn't know what he is saying because he doesn't do research on the things that I know about.
I know he is just emotionally and mentally abusing me yet the things he says still hurt me.

I have taught you communication and social interaction skills but you never listen. I try my best to care for your surface level chats which I never interrupt. You are shallow minded, lonely, friendless and hopeless. You think me caring for your over the top emotional outbursts is a sign of romantic love.
It isn't and it never have been. I gave up on men because of you. But you don't know that. You just see what you want to see. You bring out the worst in people. You describe everyone who ever cares about you as monsters because you are one. You disgust me with your talk of sleeping with my friends and little sister. You disrespect me and everyone in my life because you think you are superior to them.
No matter how many lectures I give you, you never listen to me.
We would never work together as a couple. I know that but you don't.
I break your heart over and over again because you never learn.
You think you reach my standards but you are beneath me in so many ways. I am too good for you and you are just a bad influence.
You never fight your demons but let me fight them for you. It's emotionally draining being your friend.

My big brother supports everything I do. I have always looked up to him. My big sister would boss me around and try to mother me in a way. As you can see there is a difference between my older siblings. My big sister agreed with my mom on everything they wanted for my path, never let me put word in on my own future. My dad and big brother loved everything about who I was becoming. My little sister looked up to me and she still does. Growing up was difficult for me. I chose not to listen to my mom's patronizing lectures and my big sister's ever growing grip on my socials. I hung out with my dad and big brother a lot. Now that we we are all adults, my little sister understands my rebellious nature. My big brother still checks up on me and supports my creative lifestyle. My big sister still thinks she can control me.
Here is How I Evolve, if anyone thinks they can control me I throw red herrings everywhere I can.
Here is How I Evolve, if anyone support me I will show you an unconditional love like none other.

I have heard stories of who slept with who from being a band nerd.
I know who had conflicts with who because of my sensitive ears.
People in school fought for seats in honor band. Flutes and clarinets mostly. Most of them were spoiled rich kids who wanted a specific seat so they can look good on college transcripts. I don't blame them. Student Government is worth the determination, just lead.
                                        College is fun and a lot
                                           Of hard work. School
                                           may be for opportunistic
                                           smart ***** but as I learned
                                           high school to college.
                                           Intelligence may be one thing but cunning abilities come with a price. I was never popular so I don't know the cost. Knowing people from being an empath have perks unlike knowing people from following trends. I never followed the crowds, it seemed pointless and I was right. I was invited to the popular table several times but I never felt safe and loved by them. I guess they wanted my presence to represent my tribe but I will never betray them to the sharks. What is discussed at the nerd table stays there. I won't reveal other people's secrets because it's not my place. Integrity get you places. Creating an honor code between best friends even if it's unspoken is worth it. Volunteering work actually looks good on a resume. If you are a good person having morals will be worth being made fun of in school. Wearing glasses is worth being able to read things. Being a nerd is like being a limited edition book, everyone wants it but it's expensive to get.
We nerds enjoy quality time together and will make each other laugh genuinely until our stomachs hurt. Like any other human we just want to people make us feel less lonely.

Yes I am a paradox. I am a writing and music nerd. In my mind I have records of drama from middle school and high school. I act like I am not listening to other people's conflicts with each other when I really am seeing what happened. Gossip and Rumors News back in those days were numerous. I have an instinct to fix situations. Yes my mood swings have caused drama several times in my life. I can't help the fact that I am passionate. I was the private journalist of my middle and high school days. No I never joined the yearbook.
That seemed too easy. I have always enjoyed working hard for my spot in society.
Here is the Thing About Conflict, I don't care whether I caused the affect of a situation as long as fix it before it become a problem. Sometimes I am a drama queen, other times I am the most mild mannered ****** you will ever meet. I can promise that my inner conflicts are my issue not yours. I won't ask for help until I know I need it. I am notoriously stubborn and strong headed you can ask my friends. This is my new chapter that I get to write not anyone else get to write my story. My story is what you expect of a person: worth reading.
Here is the Thing About Conflict, my anxiety knocks me out when it's mine. My depression will throw me into an ocean of my own thoughts when it's my conflict. So when I ask for help, just know I need it.

Here's to Love that one day I will someday find my true love in a forever.
Here's to Love that one day I will have more friends that I trust and stay by my side.
Here's to Love that one day I won't be alone anymore.
Here's to Love that one day I won't be trapped in someone else's world ever again.
Here's to Love in hopes that I won't be lost ever again.
Here's to Love that one day I will listen to my instincts and learn to walk away at the first red flag.
Here's to Love that one day things will change.

I fell in love with her in college, he wanted to control me with every ounce of his monster-like charm.
She gave me a wild love to fight for, he destroyed my confidence and mocked me for it.
I wanted to escape his hopeless grasp, she gave me a new beginning.
I felt stuck between two worlds. One giving something to live for and the other drowning me in my own depression.
I was leading people with my light and couldn't pull myself out of his perverted sense of reality. The more I faded from him the more he held on tight to what was left. I knew there was nothing left and I stayed out of obligation.

Hiding in Plain Sight, yet no one at church can see the real me, all they see is my faith and that is all there is to them.
Hiding in Plain Sight, yet they don't the blue, purple and pink of the true colors of my heart and I know there is more to life than just faith.
Hiding in Plain Sight, yet I bite my tongue thinking I will slip up and tell them I am not straight. When I know that if I did tell them I am not straight they would rebuke me for being me.
Hiding in Plain Sight, I am proud to be bisexual. Yet when I look around at the church I was raised in, I know I would lose all my church friends.
Hiding in Plain Sight, yet none of them see me.

Hierarchy implies there is an established ranking system.
Anarchy implies we live in a dystopian world.
Would if both perspectives are right? Elaborate with me if you will.
Traditionalism is a way of ranking people by values. Militarism is a way to rank people by status. Therefore the status quote is a mixture of traditionalism and militarism. Vaping give people wet lung disease at the worst and Smoking causes lung cancer so in a way buying into consumerism we are drugging ourselves to an oblivion.
Drinking is a way to stimulate happiness but it doesn't get rid of depression.

I may be crazy and I like the high from pain meds and CBD give me.
I am not addicted to drugs. I just enjoy the few fours of the giddiness I get. It's just occasionally when I have a migraine from loud noises and when my anxiety acts up I will take a couple of Advil.
I only put CBD lip balm on my lips when I need a quick pick me up.
Those don't interfere with my mental meds.
I know how to take care of myself. I do my research. I know what I am doing.

If I touch you will you smile? If we go into a deep conversation will you be interesting to me? Are you worth me losing my mind?
What obsessions and passions you have?
I am curious. I have always been curious about everything. When I read people's stories through social interactions I notice a lot. The little details that matter in a story.
How Real Are You? Will you cry when I tell my tragic story? Will you love me for my quirks? What kind of jokes do you tell? Do you have a sense of humor? Let's figure it out.

Flaws are what make us human. So is creating human connections.
We need other humans to love us and value us because part of being human is not wanting to be alone. Loneliness is a silent killer in most humans. Depression cause people wanting to inflict pain on themselves because they don't want to be a burden or suicide because you can't be a burden dead. Cause and effect is what science calls the consequences of others actions. People who roam in packs take on animalistic lifestyles. As science puts it roaming in packs brings the fear of individualism. I have always been a lone wolf because it took me awhile to find my people. I enjoy leading a small crowd, reading to form my own opinions and writing to become a better version of myself. In a way my loneliness made me mysterious to other people. Hanging out with geniuses turns out I wasn't the only lone wolf who needed a pack. I don't need to be validated by big crowds in order to be happy. I have a small group of best friends who I trust with my life. Fitting in was never the issue it was hiding my weird personality quirks that scared me from the animalistic lifestyle. The thing that makes me mysterious to other people is my mental illnesses. People who claim that everyone is weird clearly never met actual weird people. Normal people may be animalistic but they are also stupid due to fitting in. I guess pleasing other people made them forget to form their own opinions. Who is the idiot who claimed that and made everyone believe it's true? Human connection is important but so is having your own mind. Being brainwashed into a modern, animalistic society that doesn't give a **** about your life is just giving society what they want and that is feeding their inferiority complexes by spilling stories about personal, intrusive events.

To think procreating as the goal of dating seems shallow.
Why not seek love and trust for a marriage instead of ****** pleasure? ****** pleasure isn't everything.
To lust is gain infatuation from physical attraction. To love is to be selfless beyond reason. To trust is to be vulnerable.

I left a trail of footprints in the snow as I walked today because I am here.
I smiled as I walked because I am here.
I am alive and free to be me because I am here.
I am here, I am queer and I am totally done with existential fear.

I am me because I expressive to the point that people call me crazy. I was the girl that everyone talked about in college, high school and middle school. Basically I never worried about being bored.
I am me because every time I got hurt or betrayed by someone I bounced back stronger than before. I was always controversial no matter where I went since I am mentally disabled, emotionally expressive, a trailblazer, a vagabond, a writer, a singer/songwriter and nerdy.
I am me because I don't ask for attention. I don't care what people think of me because it's trivial and fickle. Everyone wants to be my friend but I have boundaries that are specifically meant to protect me. I never wanted to be the girl that people get confused by but I got used to it.
I am me even with all of my scars. I never asked anything from anyone. I just wanted an emotional safe place with whoever I spent time with. The things I wanted from people are simple: my secrets secure, my heart protected and quality time with the people I care about. I don't care about money, status, how many followers are on your Facebook page, ***, and politics.
I care about your soul, your heart and what goes on in your mind.

I live to prove people wrong about me. With the skinny jokes. Also the *** jokes I get from my atheist ex-boyfriend. I handle a lot. I hate *** jokes because I understand what they are referencing but I don't get them like normal people do. I think *** jokes are degrading of every female anyone who ever explicitly joke about. It's like can you not degrade people in front of me? I think *** jokes are sexist, desperate pleas for wanting romance. It's awful how gross humans can be. Just because I am beautiful and have confidence doesn't mean my primal instincts are all there. I have mental illnesses and trust issues; therefore, my primal instincts aren't all accessible.
I enjoy being polite, a good human and respecting others. I won't go have a fling because movies say I should. Romeo and Juliet had a fling then they both died. So no I won't do as the rom-coms say I should do. I want to create my own love story. One that is soulful, rich with good memories, sparks flying and the earth fading away.
I know it sounds like an essay about rejecting society's definition of love but I know what I want so yes in a way I am old fashioned.

Sure I have volunteered a lot in my life. That doesn't make me a hero.
Wanting rights for people who need them as an activist. That doesn't make me a hero.
Writing essays about controversial topics because I am passionate about them. That doesn't make me a hero.
I don't save lives because I am not a police officer, firefighter, doctor nor nurse. I don't wear a cape and the only ability that I have that makes me special is that notice things that most people don't.
I don't tell people the state of America, I am not a reporter yet.
I can't tell people how stupid they are because I am not a politician nor a TV show host.
I am not a hero just a rebel. You can call me an angel, a sweetheart, a vengeful millennial, a crazy writer, a scornful ex, a hopeless romantic and a cute nerd as much as you want I will still be me. I am not perfect because I don't pretend to be that. Perfect is overrated and overused term. I prefer sincere and endearing or dramatic and insane whichever one suits your perspective of me.

I have never felt normal. I have never been normal.
I am tired of being looked down upon for being insane and for choosing my writing career over something practical.
You try living my life. My mom broke my mind and losing my best friend broke my heart. I am permanently broken, no one can fix me. You can't pray away my troubles. Trust me I have tried many times. You can't pray way my bisexuality. Trust me I have tried that too.
I can't keep up with fashion trends nor popular slang. I can't fit into a society box because I keep breaking the mold people put me in.
In a way it's a blessing but it's also my curse. I have emotional scars in my mind where my normalcy should be. So please never call me normal. It's an insult to my intelligence.

I can't be straight and I refuse to be a chasten woman.
I don't want a chaste marriage.
I want passionate love not a boring, white picket fence marriage.
That may have worked in the 1950s. But it is not the 1950s.
There is more to life than faith in Christ.
I can't be them so I am myself.
With all my sanity I refuse to be them. I refuse to be them because I used to be them. Ignorant and thinking all there was the church.
In the metaphorical closet I was insane, thinking I was trapped there forever. Then I found my people at college. I came out the closet and fully became me.

I know that I will never be straight because I am bisexual.
I know that I will never be the perfect Christian because I am a liberal and the church brainwashed me long enough that I have my own thoughts now.
I am okay with the fact that I know what everyone thinks of me because I am a writer.
I am okay with the fact that my Christian friends will never accept me because I am bisexual.
I am okay with the fact that my bad memories will haunt me but I don't give them power over me anymore.
I am okay with the fact that one day when I come out completely on Facebook my church friends will hate me but they won't matter.
I am okay with the fact that one day I won't be living in my small religious Conservative town anymore because my past isn't me.
I am okay with the fact that one day my novels, short stories and poetry will be published where my name will known.
Ideally not everything will be perfect but I will be free.

I didn't ask for people to love me without conditions or to be obsessed over.
I didn't ask for people to write my name on their hearts.
I didn't ask for people to sing my praises and worship the ground I walked on.
I didn't ask for people to care about me or think about me, they just did.
I didn't ask for my wars to be fought for me. I am a warrior for my own cause.
I didn't ask for my mother or sister to steal my voice away because I had my own thoughts for my future.
I didn't ask for anything that happened in my past.
I didn't ask for conflicts that had nothing to do with me.

I didn't expect to lose my best friend at age 15.
I didn't expect to find close friends so quickly after that.
I didn't expect a popular choir girl to notice me and a genius pastor's daughter to accept me to her ranks.
I didn't expect being a bookish nerd to be so much fun with like minded friends.
I didn't expect fellow writers to be like me and they are.
I didn't expect fellow musicians to let me geek out over the history of instruments.
I didn't expect knowing tons of book and movie references to start many good conversations.
I didn't expect the people I sang with in praise band to be homophobic.
I didn't expect the popular choir girl to fade into the background of my life because of respective differences.
I didn't expect the genius pastor's daughter to be my closest friend.
I didn't expect many things yet I am grateful for my life.

When I wander I am never lost just exploring the world in my own way. When I aim for my dreams I try my best to not to get caught up in the clouds. When I go mad my reality is lucid and real.
When I go sad I associate that mood with a memory.
When I go delusional I do damage control as fast as I can.
I didn't lose me. I have never lost me.
When I lose my mind I come up with battle strategies to protect myself. Whenever I lose my mind it's always about preserving myself from the cruel, dark world around me.
I didn't lose me. That's my achievement.
I may scare people with my insanity but I am worth getting past the stigma. I have always known that.

When I am at war with someone with my wits. I find that most are just princesses begging for attention and are just pawns to their parent's plans. It's boring how easy it is to defeat them because I am a queen because I never needed a prince nor a king. I never defeated them with gossip, I defeated them with words and actions.
Where as they depended on their army, I depended on my intelligence. Those princesses were scared of my insanity.
I always evolved better than before. They were focused on devouring lies and I stuck with the truth. Where as they were cunning, I was caring. See the difference. Life was never about popularity, the status quote nor the power that comes with the crowd. Life have always been about the army you develop yourself, the allies you gave kindness to you in their weakest moments and the heart you forge from the depths of hell. In a way never pretending to be the hero makes you a hero because the cape was always the heart you forge.
The gilded armor always hides a monster that is scared of true intelligence. So scare them good. Make them wish that they never crossed you in the first place.