it’s 1 am and my heart is as heavy as my thoughts
that day I knew I loved you,
i remember trying to run away from it,
but the more I tried to run,
the more i realized that what I was trying to run away from
was myself
and
the one I was running to
was you
I never knew i needed all this
all you
all we could ever be
it’s 1 am and my heart is as heavy as my thoughts
it is heavy
as it contains all the beautiful things
we collected
in the form of
dreams
it is heavy
as it contains all the words
i love yous
and
i miss yous
it is heavy
because it tries to contain
my world
that is
you.

—e.e

Uh Hi?

I love you. I'm sorry if it took so long for me to say it back because I was scared. I was so so terrified of the idea of being the one in love. I used to think that I was a romantic, and a hopeless one at that. I used to think about how I wanted that great kind of love, something that was for the books and for those cliche romantic comedy that I am somewhat addicted to. But now, actually experiencing it first-hand, I am so scared. I felt ashamed and clueless. It was weird. I didn't want to admit it to myself at first because actually loving someone scares me. I didn't have any clue on what to do. You seem to know more about love so I felt like the bad guy because you have always told me that you loved me and you showed me quite a few times too. But I still haven't proved anything because like I said, I didn't know what to do.

August 10, 2015.
That's when I knew that I was in for it. That I was down for whatever it is that we have. I wouldn't call it a commitment or an exclusive relationship but it was something. You became my favorite habit. A habit that I couldn't quit even when I try to(trust me there were countless of times). It sounds corny but it is true.
Countless of times I was hurt. There were days when I could literally feel my heart throb. I knew that there were girls that you have loved in the past and the idea of having to think that they were better with you and you were better at loving them than me really ***** the worst in me. You were also so honest with everything and there were nights when I want nothing but to cry. Just cry. To be honest there was a time when I felt like giving up, that was when I didn't know how to love bad parts of you but now I realize that I have to love them too even when it hurts, even when it feels like hell because I love you. I love the idea of being in love with you because with whatever reason I have, all I know is that I have to keep going because you are one of the few people who actually makes me feel sane. I used to be a mess believe me. I used to hate life. I used to cry a lot. I used to want to be somebody else and exist in another place. I was in a dark place. I'm really crying right now because I hate remembering how I used to feel. I was so filled with love but at the same time I was empty. So so empty. I knew that there was a God, that there someone who could help me, believe me I've always tried. I was good at hiding so no one knew except for one person. But when I met you, all of the things that I used to feel, I was beginning to forget about them. Really. I am beyond thankful because going back here in the Philippines it made me realize a lot of things about myself and about the world I live in. I was thankful for everything that has happened. I fell in love with Jesus Christ all over again and it was honestly the best feeling ever. You somewhat inspired me in so many but little ways. At first what pulled me closer to you was your confidence, the moment I met you, you sounded like the guy who knew what to do, who was different. I know how I'm complicated and how I keep a lot of things but sorry because that's all I'll ever be. I can't promise to change but I swear that I'll try because know, at my young age, I want to experience having to unbottle myself for a person that I genuinely love. I'm not just doing it for you, I'm doing it for myself.

in the events that this heart is sinking and this mind may seem clouded with heavy thoughts
remember
that during those moments
all
that
is
ever-crystal
ever-constant
is my love for you.
This lungs may have trouble with breathing at times but this mouth will always, always find its way to yours. You’re the only fresh air that I could ever have and ever need.
This hands will continue to find its way to yours and grasp into it as if it depended on it.
I’ll always be looking at your face, taking it all in and admiring every bit of it as if it was made for me and as if it’s whole essence is to be looked at by me. It is as if every second is crucial that every part of you is a mystery that I have to decipher. My eyes would only see you and strip you off until all It could see is your bare soul. My eyes would see the things people dont bother looking at. The parts that you find boring and unexalting. My heart that is meant to love you— wholly, would try to calm every bit of your storm and every bit of the excruciating moments that is meant to happen to you. To my profound love, my soulmate, my bestfriend, the freddie to my effy, the jesse to my celine, and the peter to my gwen, i love you.

I want to write about broken hearts. Their capability to make bright eyes sink and how a sunny summer day could feel like a cold winter night. Though we have coming things, aspirations, dreams for the world, but the inifinite sensation of crippling anxiety takes in, and again— you’re lost. Back to zero. As if you did not make the initiative to sew all the broken pieces of yourself back together. Some days, we’ll just have to let our heart pound, feel our legs burn, and run. See all those people knocking on doors and trying to embrace new chances, while others letting the waves crash against their legs until they let the water finally envelope them. The heart is such a complex thing, really. But again, everything can be healed; By the little things like listenting to an acoustic cover of your favorite song or the hand intertwined with yours as you let all the tears fall. Without you knowing, your heart— that is as big as my universe and your eyes— that resembles the brightest star, could be healed and loved back to life.

—e.e

We talk,
We flirt.
You act like you're into me,
like without me you would crumble,
like your entire existence depends on me,
but how do you do that thing?
That thing were in you treat me so awful after that.
You treat me so badly, as if I was just a wasted space in this entire space.
As If I'm a toy, you could play around, and throw it away when you feel like to.

You're so confusing as ****
let me remind you that I'll love you whenever and wherever
but I'm not gonna stay and wait for you forever

The first time I met you, I felt like in a grayscale movie. Hell, your feed was in black and white. I remember our conversation about it the first time we met. You told me it was pictures with souls. I found the idea of it corny but intriguing and I seem to cannot bring myself to stop thinking about it.
Every single second spent with you, I began to notice every hue that comes with your smile.
especially with that big heart of yours that comes with your bones that quite feels like home.
it had hit me like a hurricane when I came to the conclusion that you are everything but monochrome.
You fill all the empty spots in me with shades of all our favorite colors.
You color the darkest parts of me in shades of yellow that I didn’t even think was possible.
You were so contagious, that you literally just have to smile and my amygdala would suddenly have an esplosion of colors as I act so nonchalant about it.  
You are everything I hoped for but more.
I met the person who gave me all the brightest of colors in a single second.
It intrigued me to the very core.
because at first it was just
vibing to the same music
movies
humor
memes
holding hands
the jitters
butterflies
more memes
but as this gets deeper
it was the state of comfort
i seem to cannot get enough of.
long *** naps
naked bodies
syncronized breathing
more holding hands
arguments
misunderstandings
snoring
long pauses and comfortable silence
not seeing each other for weeks
future plans
long hugs
goodbye kisses
it was the right kind of intimacy that was enough.
Don’t get me wrong,
I’m used to excessive emotions and feeling too much.
But loving you is the most profound I have ever been.
You take me to all the brightest places and to absolute euphoria.
The world would never be the same for me after meeting you.

—e.e

Hey* have you ever felt like you're in a complete bliss?,
You're in a middle of a thin line between falling and breaking,
You don't have control over your feelings ,
Nor you don't have control over your heart.

You just see someone then,
Boom you fall in love* ,
The tingles that shot through your spine every time his skin brushes your skin ,
It's amazing how you can randomly smile like an idiot because of something he said.

And I want to experience:
falling, breaking, and wanting so bad to be with someone
With someone, you're in love with  
and the feeling of wanting someone so bad that It would hurt you to see them leaving

I've spent my entire life trying to prove to others that I am capable of doing great things. I have always thought that to live, you need assurance, acceptance, & belonging. What I didn't realize is that you are your own person no matter what happens. At the end of the day, you are you. You have the capability to do so many things that you didn't even thought was possible. For god's sake, stop pretending. If you are sad, then be sad. scream your anger. If you are happy then show it, smile so big that you would look weird. Don't hold it in. Be freaking transparent that it sickens you. You have every right to do things on your own, But always remember that everything has its limits. Know that everyone is fighting their own battles, no matter how cliche that sounds, It is **** true. Change for the better. Do things for yourself the most. Be happy. Decide every day that you are strong and you can conquer the world. Take responsible risks, set goals, have higher standards, know how to be contented, & the most important thing? love your freaking self that it bores you. Remember, You deserve the world. Baby, I deserve the world.

If they ask you about me tell them "Well she was the only girl who could spend the whole night  just talking about silly things, dreams, cars, thoughts, you name it. She was just there, god she was always there. I knew she was hurting but it seemed like she was enjoying it. I'd chase other girls, and she'd stay there telling me she supports me. Like ****, she was insane. I didn't even realize it until now. She's infuriating, she'll call you names and you'd just shake your head and laugh as if nothing matters. She wasn't like most girls, god she's so confident but once you get to know her, she's awkward and everything you'll ever want. She do things mostly for the people she loves. She'd hang on me because she believes in me. She hates it when I talk to other girls but she pretends it's alright. I love her presence but sometimes I hate it too because I just can't stand it. She's hurting but she doesn't care. I knew she was afraid of being alone. But if you ask her if something's wrong, she'd laugh and tell you that everything's perfect. If there is something that I regret it, it was hurting her. She is last thing you want to hurt. She was the only girl who genuinely liked me for me and I broke her to pieces."

It's okay** to feel a little angry sometimes,
or feel hurt
or feel dead
or feel miserable
or feel unfortunate
or feel bad
or feel sad
or feel broken
or feel unloved;
Because one day you won't feel a single thing but love and appreciation from someone you love-- and someone who loves you back. You're going to be endlessly happy maybe? It's going to be inevitable. The enjoyment and pleasure will be too much that you would think it was all worth it, every single tear that you drop, every single cuts, every single shots, every single wasted night, every single blog post about how much you hated life. That is all going to be over, you're going to be in a Utopia, possibly falling in love with a person just like you, it would be so amazing it will be unfathomable. You are done collecting stars and you would think everyone is your sun and that will be okay.

Love** is a beautiful thing
We recklessly fall for the wrong person and regret everything of it
It gives us different kinds of emotions that we've never felt before
Completely new and It seems so perfect

Love makes our knees go weak
It's gives us some kind of emotion that would either contain us or makes us go all possessive
It hurts when you feel you're not loved anymore
And that's the time you either stay ice or find the next wrong person until you find *the one

Loving you wasn't like dancing in the rain
It was more of like swimming in an ocean where I know I’d drown anyway.
Yet people say,
This feeling I have for you would drift away.

Loving you was an addiction.
It was like consuming a hundred of cigarettes in a day.
And I pray that someday,
You would feel the same way.

I was truly intoxicated,
With the idea of receiving a love I’d want from you.
And yet you have no clue,
That I was dying to be with you.

If somebody asked me about you,
I’d tell them you were beautiful.
Absent-mindedly I would think of you as my whole universe,
I know you’d never think the same.






You were the brightest star,
Among the other faint ones.
I’d avoid eye-contact with you because I was always told to not stare directly at the sun,
For I’d seem to be some love-sick fan.

You were a rock,
I was a broken poetry.
But nonetheless I’m madly in love with you,
And I wish you’d feel the same way too.

You’d push me down,
I’d still fall back onto you.
I know this might seem crazy,
But can’t you love me too?

A love letter to you
Would seem like a suicide note.
Falling for you was like digging my own grave,
But please help me to be brave.

I’d ask you to hold the gun,
And unsurprisingly my sun,
You’d pull the trigger
And I’d let you.

You're in your own world, with withering flowers in your heart
Thinking that someday someone's going to water them
and you'd be genuinely happy
Will someone really?
You experience the same heartbreak over and over again,
your heart's been shattered into million pieces
looking for someone to fix it
until the time you get so fed up and get used to it
like you've completely given up,
given up on yourself and the rest of the world

Have* you ever felt so scared?
Like in any minute you could just be erased in someone's mind
and Be completely forgotten
Nothing is remembered, except for the memories.

Like in one minute you're the happiest person in the whole world,
and in the next minute you feel like being buried 50 ft underground
You're so numb and the paranoia is too much to handle
It's either you curl up in your bed or get wasted on some bar down town

You're so tired of everything that even crying is tiring
The idea of being forgotten by people who are important to you scares you so **** much,
and you feel like your heart is being chapped into pieces
The memories with the person is being thrown out outside this Milky way

It would hurt now, but I swear people will come eventually.

do you think it's that easy having someone believe you're completely okay?
do you think it's that easy to pretend faking a smile and shrug everything off everyday?
do you know how much it hurts building walls but having you destroy them?
I think not, you don't know anything about hurting, because you're completely okay
you're completely okay without me and it hurt so **** much
Ive always thought that i'd be the one who will make you happy and ive always dream't
of waking by your side one day and you'd be my world, id be yours
but now I don't need to pretend because it's completely clear to me that everything has changed and you've completely move on goodbye

We are the crazy kids,
Crazy naive teenagers they say;
They expect greater, but they kills us as if we're less

9 year old's are cutting
6 year old's are swearing
14 year old's are smoking
11 year old's are drinking
16 year old's are getting pregnant
17 year old's are getting high
18 year old's are wasted
19 year old's are drop outs

No no no no no no
That's just the thing, they expect us to be someone who can possibly meet their standards
They say that our generation is reckless and stupid,
but are they forgetting who raised it?
They think it's easy,
They think they're always there to save us,
but little they did know
we already died
years ago
pretending we haven't

Now that I am over you, there is still a part of me that cares so deeply for you.
It is not literally the same but at least there is progress.
There will always be times where in I'll come across a poem and think of you; or hear a song that reminds me of you.
I know that I will always be here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on because It has been like that for the past years and I don't think that I can let go of all of that easily. But I am still trying. I know it is stupid of me to write about you again but at the moment? It is all I can do. It does hurts sometimes realizing that you didn't get what you wanted so bad but I guess that's just how life is. There will always be things that you won't have because you deserve greater. I am not saying that I was too good for him but maybe we weren't right. We weren't fit. Or maybe the timing is wrong.
And if you ask me what my heart wants right now?
I'll tell you I want nothing but assurance and genuine happiness.

You know what is the problem with poems?
E v e r y t h i n g
Reading one or two or three
It is the worse.
It feels like you are obligated to think about someone
and when you did,
It will always be like that.
It makes me sick to my stomach
especially when the bird already took its departure
and
every time is going to be a constant struggle
because you will forced to think about him or her.
and it would ****. ***.
honestly It would **** so much.
**because you know you will always love poems and having to read them every time will get tiring because all you'll ever think about is their eyes in the words and their hearts in the blank spaces.

I love the moment I met you,
The way your eyes sparkle when you seem fascinated about something
The way you notice and love the little things around you
The way you throw you head back when you laugh
The way you genuinely smile  
The way you make me write poems about you
The way you appreciate the people who adore you
The way you brighten up my mood
The way you make me smile
The way you make me fascinated to you
The way you make me feel this way
The way you make me go crazy for you and it ***** having to realize that you deserve better
And any girl would be crazy not to love you the way I do.

I want to unlove you so bad
but you're so bad that It's so good.

You're my downfall
and I'm your parallel line

Falling for you didn't hurt the most;
It's thinking that you fell for me too.

I didn't want to be replaced,
so I felt short in my 5 ft and 8 inches height.

You created me like a gum
you're my gravity
and
you're the sun

If this love is a crime scene
you'd be holding the gun

how on earth did that happen?
I let myself wax to you

It was no ordinary
unlikely boring and zoo

To the ends of the earth
I'll love you
even if it means hating myself
because
I want to unlove you

01/07/2020
we’re in an immense pattern of
contreversies and conspiracy theories;
we’re part of the reincarnation of scattered souls
from million years ago;
long live the walls we crashed through and the unending battles we chose to fight—
just to be part of something,
like dense clouds of gas and dust that turn into stars in the night.
just to get close to that absolute truth—  that absolute nirvana,
& finally still hoping that our metaphysical state lasts a light year to make up for those excruciating pain felt & vast emotions that striked our core when we choose to capitulate our soul temporarily to those whom we think meant the world to us.

e.e

You were my sunshine in the rain, my summer paradise, the drop in the ocean but boy you were also the storm, the tornado and everything in between. You're the screaming voice in my gut and the pounding in my head. You weren't gentle with me because you wanted that loud-drop-the-bass-kind of love. It infuriates me because you never even asked if I prefer a lousy acoustic guitar cover. You just had to ruin it by pretending I was deaf and mute. I was so tired of hearing the same kind of music that it made me want to run away. I was so tired of my ears getting hurt by the same chords and tune. I wanted a different type of genre. Something that brings peace to my soul and at the same time something that makes me want to lose my mind. The type of genre that takes me to places and doesn't hurt me in the process. Something that has songs that never makes me forget the love that I feel.

I remember the days when you sang for me, I felt like I was on cloud 9. The first time you actually sang to me,  your heart spoke to mine in melodies that don't exist. We had that secret kind of love song. But I hated it in every way. I didn't like it one bit. I wanted to tell people you're mine. I wanted to walk you in the streets and kiss you as if my life depended on it. But that didn't happen... What happened was i thought you were the prince who would save me from my distress, I really thought you would be the one who would save me from my misery, but not.. I was already drowning when you found me and now that you're gone, I'm still on the same **** place listening to the same kind of **** music thinking and contemplating where and when it went wrong. The first time I met you, I was so sure that we were on the same key- not realizing that I was out of tune... That I was on a different key, singing another song in my head. It took me nine months to realize that. I'm sorry if I didn't tell you earlier.. that it took so long for me to confess about how I wanted a different kind of music. Making it with you seem to require a lot of effort and you know **** well that I'm the laziest. Nevertheless, i wanted to make music without even trying. That every time we'd rehearse a song, we'll just be laughing like some care-free kids dancing in the rain. I want to write those songs without having to think about others.. I just want us to get lost in it. Hold my hand the whole time so you'll know. I might get shivers and you might ask me what's wrong, I'll tell you to forget it and then you would get it off me and would start to tickle me until it hurts. Finally, I'll tell you then you'll look at me with love in your eyes and I won't be able to look at you. I'll be shy, then I will try to escape to hide my blush. But I know that's not gonna happen, we're in a painful version of reality- a reality that doesn't exist in my imagination. My heart is still hurting after all this time from all the pain you have caused but I know this is all temporary.. I know that this is all part of the process. I know I have made my fair share of mistakes so I'm not going to blame all of this on you. This is just the harsh truth of reality. You might not be what I need for the time being but I'll let you go. Maybe sometime in the future we'll be able to write again another song....

12/21/2019
11:25am

maybe it's the way your eyes close and the way you snore in your sleep.
maybe it's how you light up talking about things you're most passionate about.
maybe it's the way you laugh or the way you make me laugh (a lot).
maybe it's the way you kiss me and how everything suddenly appears to make sense.
maybe it's because of your big heart and how you seem to genuinely care for people.
maybe it's the way you hold me closer after a bad dream until I fall back to sleep.
maybe it's the way you assure me and squeeze my hand whenever I'm anxious.




maybe it's how you make me win arguments & tekken just so you could see me smile.
maybe it's the way we connect even in the smallest of things.
But, maybe it's a whole lot more on the way you just exist. Beside me or away from me.
I seem to find myself falling further and deeper for you as the days go by and I promise, love, I can't wait to know the rest of you as I continuously immerse myself in that beautiful universe of yours because I can never seem to get enough of you. I love you.

e.e

You're a different dimension— a different world.
You're a broken poetry with a background sound of an Arctic Monkeys song. You're of paramount importance to the universe of broken hearts, shining, wishing stars, and the theory of how waves collided. You have no idea how the sound of your laughter could awaken all the dead bodies buried a hundred feet below. You have the brightest smile, comparing it to the moon at night. Your big heart matches the way I feel about the bright lights and tall skyscrapers of New York City— infinite. They make me feel infinite. Just like my favorite Van Gogh painting, you make my heart sing. You make my heart feel alive and make me want to live for so long that I would meet those people who would go to ancient libraries a thousand and one years from now; they would read about the love like no other and gush about how it was everything that they would ever want. You are all that they would ever want.

—e.e

Let me introduce you to a girl. She is a girl that is full of life. You would see the joy and happiness illuminating in her eyes every time she would look at other people's genuine smiles. She was a strange girl. She was undoubtedly ineffable. She knew for a fact that she can be this person; this great unimaginable person that can move mountains and touch the sky. But she also knew that once she breaks; there is no going back. It will feel like an endless lightning bolt striking her to the core. The humming of a bird would no longer tickle her insides. The sound of cars beeping, the dancing of the plants will no longer touch her heart. It will be so much different that it will be so difficult to recognize her. It will be almost impossible to have her back again. But you know what the best part is? She will try. She will keeping swimming in the ocean no matter how much marine plants will tangle her down. She will swim back up almost effortlessly. She will fly; higher than the hawks. She will look forward and forward. Her optimism will almost frustrate you at times. She will keep telling people words that she wants to hear herself. She is almost hypocritical. She will continue to prove and surprise, Not because of the people around but because of herself. She wants to know that she can. Then when the time comes... she will get was she was aiming for, She will be okay again.

unravel me—
all my twisted, knitted thoughts.
whenever I’m with you,
time always seems paused,
and u make me feel unafraid of the next dawn.

I want to read my favorite book to you;
get hitched to the shadow in your eyes,
as we forgive each other’s demons.
I want to trace my fingers on your skin as I create constellations
and finally
place my lips on where it hurts.

I want to articulate better
and not call this magic.
I want to tell you how you make me feel things.
Strange things.
Things, I thought I wasn’t capable of feeling.

There are about a billion stories this world has to share and about a billion more of faces we haven’t met, but, all I want now, is experience all the chaos and calm that this brings and just gravitate even more to that universe of yours.

—e.e

12/05/2019

To be bare and completely
vulnerable—that’s the best part.
It's 12pm and here I am watching you sleep;
I trace my fingers on your skin as I try to memorize parts of you and connecting them as if I were to align them with mine.
I try to synchronize my breathing with yours while I brush my lips on yours in the process.
I try to look at you a bit more and thought about the people who broke your heart and how they made it bleed. I thought about the people who broke mine too.
I thought about how high we’ve built our walls and how each brick of broken promises pave the way to our being to believe a certain way.
I thought about how it wasn’t their fault just like how it wasn’t in our stars. They were predetermined eras in our life and not just a collection of random chaos because it allowed us to stumble into each other under a series of small coincidences.

—e.e

Solely I'm yours
With those pitch black eyes,
you've captured mine.

You took my breathe away with every move you make
when you wake too
and It makes me crazy

I decided to have you chase me
but I made you runaway
Hundreds apologies
and
zero I love you's
zero I like you's

You're welcome though
because
to the sun and the moon and to the stars and to the end of all the galaxies
I'm Yours
and
Just
Your's