I wonder if you could read

The things I write now,

Would they somehow make you proud?

Or would you just remember

The words of a fifteen year old girl

That didn't even write them,

Just formed to fit her current mood

And have they?

Are your dreams beautiful?

More than you could have ever hoped for?

I hope they are.

The lacrimal caruncle
swells with blistering feeling,
flooding out the medial canthus.
It streams down the nasion,
dancing over the pinken,
inflamed to a roaring raw cheek.
Landing on dirtied and tore cloth,
used with the moisture to wipe
all the dust away from every memory,
even when it's possibly too late.

Now there is hardly anything
to be discovered in all of this.
You have done a decent job,
your hands are tired from it all.
Weak and brittle,
you still know now.
You know it could go every single way wrong,
it could be a waste of time,
it could hurt you beyond any kind of repair.

But you know.
You know it's him.
You know it will always be him.
It will always be him
that you wish to lay beside,
it will always be him
that you want to feel,
it will always be him
that you feel everywhere you go.
It will always be him.

You'd think I wouldn't care,
It's been so long since I wrote it
But the loose strands of hair in this water
Says something completely different otherwise

Water drips from the tips
Of these fingers that wrote it,
That betrayed so many

The droplets creat a maze between
The hair on my legs until
They return back to their home

You wait to see what *******
I write about now
I wonder who would dramatically
Reveal their face in the neon glow
Of convenience store lights

You're a part of a circle
So it's not like you care
You want to live out my old work,
This isn't poetry I'm writing now
This is my new journal

From my fingertips
To your eyes
Free of charge

You wanna know what I would
Write in that same book all these years later?


I wonder what it would feel like
To rest my head on my knees in this
Lukewarm bathwater and feel
The skin

S t r e t c h i n g

over my ribs as I try to think
Of one good reason to still be alive


But I don't do that.
I don't have to.
I wash away the possibilities of you,
The regrets and mistakes,
The white cars and mean words

I wash them away until
I can finally think of them
And not
Feel
Like
Dying

Run, run,
r  u  n.
Fast enough to
fill you up with doubt.
How would you prefer it done?
I'm not a fan of guns,
they scare me.
Sharp and rigid edges?
But they aren't really
a friend of mine.
I could down a handful
of pills.
You already know how
I'm good at swallowing
things.
Look at that,
turning death into a
****** innuendo.
Maybe to help you
if you still cared,
you know,
past that plastic exterior.
Maybe to help me,
life is truly down since
the one you want
doesn't even
know
you exist.
Or maybe just doesn't
care.
Or maybe,
just maybe,
it's a joke.
All of this is a joke.
You, me, the world.
Life.

I wonder how someone can enjoy being alone?
To find comfort in solitary.  
Whether physically or emotionally alone,
How can they stay in silence for so long?

I would rather be surrounded by hundreds of thousands of strangers
Than be by myself.
The being alone itself isn't what scares me,
It's the silence.
Because in that silence I am forced to comprehend
That maybe there is nothing more.

There is no other galaxy's that hold
Millions of billions of stars,
There is no other planets like Mars and Jupiter,
There is no other earths.

An earth for each chance you messed up or never took,
An earth for every mistake you wish you could change
And the opposite outcomes from them.
An earth for every time you were never enough,
Where you were far too much,
And you were never the one.
An earth to see what could have been,
But there is nothing.

I don't know,
A vast nothingness is scare than living in this hell.

And maybe this is all we have,
Maybe this is the only earth.
Maybe I'm the only me and you,
You are the only version of you.

And the only other earth there is?
The one in our dreams.
Where we do everything right.

All of these possibilities
And none of it matters
As if what I wrote in a book
Would ever pertain to what
You feel for a cheating liar

Who's the mystery guy?

Like it really ******* matters
I'm alone and honestly,
I know he doesn't care because

Hence

I have no one but my family
And that will never be enough

If people feel like
They know what you
Deserve
I'd surely hate that for them
Look at me,
Feel me,
Breathe me,
You will never be me
Keep it to yourself,
You'll get yours too
For thinking you can
Dish out what someone
Deserves

And

I'm

the

broken

eggshell

Come back one day
Ask for an old friend
You can stay for a while
That'd normally **** someone off
In the same position

But you'd be an exception

Show you how things change
And how fame makes you realize things
And you can walk away
You can get up and go
Leaving a handful of change

Or you could stay
Have another round,
This one's on me
And you can tell me of a life
I was never made to hold

Because it's past may
And time has a funny way
Of flying by.

You've been to hell before
Danced and made love to the devil
He messed with your heart
But you let him in
And he messed with your head
But you took what he handed you
And you thought life couldn't get worse
But you never knew it could be like this
And this isn't the devil
He may think he's bad but
He is good and he is light and
Now you're staying up late
You lay there and reach out above you
And you're numb while your fingers
Crinkle and uncrinkle and they're stiff,
Like they've been frozen in time for a decade
You're just now learning to use them again
While your eyes cross and roll back
And you mumble incoherently about the things
You wish you should have said to him
Before it was too late
And you can't look yourself in the mirror
You can look disgustedly at yourself but
You can't make eye contact with the reflection
Of your fading blue eyes
So you search how to throw up without it
Being so dangerous for you because
You'll be ****** to go through the pain
Without him noticing the final result
And you're digging up the past,
You buy more foundation and mate gloss
And you wonder what color he would like
But he probably doesn't like any of this but you
Just don't know what he likes and
You probably never did fully know everything right
And you'd grow your hair out but you're
Too fat and it's too hot for it
But when you master that toothbrush technique finally
You'll let it grow out and you'll buy new, pretty clothes
And maybe he'll find something worthwhile in you then
And if he doesn't
You can wipe the makeup off
Chop your hair off and put different clothes on,
Baggier clothes
And if he still doesn't see potential
Then I guess you're just out of luck because
You've had someone inside of you
Someone that fit into places but you've never
Had anyone inside of you everywhere like this
And it's amazing and it tastes bitter and it's exhilarating and
It's something you want to mourn and something you want to hold forever
But if it's not enough,
If it never will be enough,
All the things you have to offer and the
Things you both once planned,
If he doesn't find it good enough
You can always live in this glass case,
Like a trophy, a prized possession
Because you've went through life feeling like there was something missing,
Something that belonged but you forgot what it was and now
You remember it and you will always cherish it
And hold it tight like your life depends on it
Because it does,
Your life depends on this.

I hope you do.
I hope you live life to the fullest.
Enjoying every moment,
Never wasting time on regret.

I hope you travel the world.
I hope you search every corner
And find everything in you.

I know you won't think about it
And I know I have changed sides
And every aspect of my mind everyday

But finding you gave me that feeling again,
The kind you probably don't remember.

I hope you have endless life
I hope you collect everything with your mind.
I hope you love fiercely
And never have doubt

it's a wonder
how little
you can mean to
someone,
but they still
remember
e v e r y t h i n g

And all at once

He will be the one

I have been waiting for

And it will be funny

Because people think I deserve nothing

But will give me more

Than what they have,

Than what they could give to offer

My broken soul will be mended

And my loneliness will have healed

No thanks to the omes that left

And the ones who think they're better

You assume you're better

Are you sure?

I could snap you in half

If you'd like to grow some *****

Or maybe I'll look the other way

Because who even are you?

The equivalent of a gnat to my life

I'm replaceable and so are you

You get what you give
Especially when it's one of their own
But look at me, mama
Defying the not possible
To the right, vacancy up and down
Behind there is nothing to be found
Forward is cloudy like vapor,
Nothing to hold onto
Look to the--oh my,
That snowball is growing
Unlike essential things
had to get that joke out of the way
Hows the sunny life turning out?
I never understood the way he looked at me,
The way he acted
You know, before I ****** up everything
I put so much thought in thinking he was a possibility,
Because he used to act nervous too
I forgot I wasn't that type of girl,
Skin and bones
But I stay headstrong,
Brush that dirt off when I stand
I keep going forward,
Defying the not possible

I momentarily hope
It's a bitter taste
Sometimes when you
Find me in things

When she moves
In just the right way
To have a little,
Itty bitty, tiny
Speck of gliter
That the light hits perfectly
And it shimmers in
Your eyes for an
Agonizing moment

Or if you're enjoying
The day while playing
Like children in the grass
And you both sit up
For a moments rest,
And you catch sight of
A flower in her hair
And it takes you back to
When I was younger and
Talking through my smile
And blushing because I
Never had the nerve to
Talk to anyone else like this

Or when you sing a song
And it's really about her,
I hope it's sometimes
A little painful because
Where the **** would you
Be exactly if I never pointed
Out how you should work
For those dreams because you
Have something to be proud of?

Then when the precise moment
You decide to do the fantastic,
Great and holy 'I do', I hope you
Delicately move a hair from
Her gloriously perceived face
And scratch the **** out of it
With the claws of a monster
And you have to think, well ****,
Are the ones I believed to be
Bad for me the ones that were
Really the bad ones?

And I hope it's a hellish bitter
Taste when you inevitably
Make her cry and the stars and
Big beautiful moon are
Reflected in her oh, so perfect
Eyes and you wipe them away
Like you did when you made
Me cry because I chose you
To be the first person I
Let myself cry in front of
Willingly because I couldn't
Control my emotions until
The moment I met you and how
No ones here to wipe my tears now
Except myself because ****,
Who's human, right?
Who's perfect enough to not
Make small and gigantic mistakes?

But this isn't a poem.
It's just the things I wish I could say to you.
A list that I add onto everyday now it seems.
You may not read these,
You may not even believe a single word if you did.
I'm not scared of things anymore.
I honestly don't know what's ahead, all the things the future holds.
I do have fear though.
I think it's only human to fear the unknown.
I hyperventilate when I think about you not being there for it.
I don't know where I'll be in another year or in another 10 years for that matter.
All I do know without a single doubt is that you will stay a part of me then and even after that.
It's a joke to some people that I can love something that I never had.
I just don't know what else to call the feeling of remembering your hands on my face
Or when you kissed my cheek.
I never felt this warm and buzzing sensation with anything else.
I fear the future but I am ready for it because you're in my heart and my head and my soul.
And I hope you know, I hope you feel it that no matter where you go or the person you hold,
Every single thing, every choice, every action, every life event will always come back to that youth camp.
I hope your life is beautiful and with every doubt and every hardship you face,
Just know that there will always be an extra person always, always rooting and cheering you on.

Graceless heart,
You have met your mark
Alone in this dark,
A flame with one lonely spark

You've met your maker,
A beastly undertaker
All left for the breaker,
Everything perceived as a faker

You're dancing again,
They love your hair and the
Way your legs end
And there is no bye to bend

A fool and blind,
Wasted what has left me behind
Just a colossal joke
And now we've choked
On summer camp smoke

He gave me back
What I knew wasn't his
And I was a child
I was stupid

How does it feel now?
Does it feel bittersweet?
To finally have me see?
And does it fluff your feathers,
Smile on your face
That you are better
That you are whole now?

I'll spend my life with regret
Of never paying too much mind
To the things you'd say

And a promise was kept
That it wasn't the end
But the end for you
Is my only beginning
And I promise to you
That I see no end
I will settle but to never
Replace the things
I could have had

And I never knew
I could feel this pain
It's a difference from
Losing what you shifted
Your life for

This pain took over that
This pain took over everything
This pain is my newfound home
And your soul dashed through
The back window years ago

This is the winner

Blue fluorescent,



           Bugs circled in the buzzing hue



   Feel this presence crawling under skin



         Like the bugs did while talking to you



Wooden barrel water fountain



          Met there every night



Because you were busy



       And the hurt I felt because



You couldn't spend every second win me



            Doesn't hurt as bad as this

There is

       Three hundred and thirty million gods



            Like there is

     Three hundred and thirty million voices

                  

                But yours is the truth?


  I'll take that regret like I fell


                 far,



                                    far



             from grace.

I'd come get my things,

Help ease your mind of my existence

But I don't have enough sunrises

To make it back to that foreign land again

And broken plastic,

      E l a s t i c hearts,

They may just be things to some

The kind of some's that have no business

        Touching those things

Makes my very own wolf want to

   Claw my way to revenge

But I have sunsets that tame that in me,

My greatest sunset that tried it's best

             To exist for me with only

Friendship in return

But selfish was my downfall,

Selfless now,

            I exist to prove it was not

Wasted time and wasted secrets,

    It was not wasted laughs and hidden meaning

This sunset brings me out of the dark

     In a way I cannot explain except

          This owl is all the light I need,

   I no longer grind my teeth and

I try to do better for the home

          That had found a new home

While I was on my way back

You know you're gorgeous
And you flaunt it
You come from 'round here
And you make a joke
Out of me

You're gorgeous and
I regret it even me
Because I could never get that now

I bring a lot to the table,
a choice of three.
But everything I do just falls flat.
I could call it karma,
but I don't think it works
like that anymore.
And you make it a point
to have eye contact.
Was it to hurt me?
Was it to show just what
kind of monster lives
in that soul?
I might be a joke,
but the biggest one I believed
was the capacity of you to care.
One minute laughing with
an old friend,
the next was just sweat.
Why would I care?
Just listening to the hustle
and bustle of everyday
life passing me by from the
other side of the bathroom door,
suffocating my life with a hand
over my shallow existence.
Can never let go,
not ever since an ex of an ex
helped me realize just how
I flow.

Oldest of old friends,
You were supposed to stick around
Until the very end
Even if I wasn't the one
You were supposed to share
The happiness you won
The good times and
Remembering the things I used to be
Old friend,
How is everything treating you
Since I wasn't the one?
Ghost and regrets tug
At my heart strings but
You were always the one
Dearest friend,
Didn't I tell you?
I ruin everything

He likes the idea of art,
maybe even dabbles in some guitar.
Even has a voice of gold,
at least that's what she told.
Just another treasure
these ears never got to behold.
He likes them petite and tiny,
carbon copy of the things never
to be found behind the eyes
he couldn't find shiny.
So why so nevers playing with a roach?
Was that all some kind of show?
But he wasn't listed off by the drama coach,
too soft for a tough edge.
Why show art your hands make
when you could just sit it in your lap,
having the best of a laugh
while sitting on a ledge,
chains choke and a useless
heart broke?

He likes to contemplate,
sitting in a computer chair.
His eyes are focused when he stares,
nothing in particular there.
He filled life with wonder just by the way he cared,
always a part of me even if
he can't feel anything.
He was the best and I was his kryptonite,
but I was always there every single night.
We spent months doing what kid's like us do,
I was his special little b o o.
I know there is nothing but dead embers,
but I hope he remembers
the good and the bad,
and the way he never made me feel fat.
Walking down this road alone,
I hope he understands that I
will laugh whenever I hear a toad.