The moon is big
And it's full,
It's the kind of moon
That lights up the whole
Place at night,
Almost like this deeper twilight
And it's beautiful in the way
It's indescribably sad
And it watches me console
My own tears and holding
Them tightly in
Is the moon leaning down
To kiss you now?
Does it wrap you up
In the warmest form of a hug?
I wish I could say
That I was asleep in the sense
Of frozen and forever
But every breath is labored
And unbelievably painful,
Every time I cry, I just keep
Crying more until my eyes burn
And my head hurts and there's
Not a single person here
To help it, to hold it until
All of this bad goes away
And I'm just talking to my
Very own moon,
The light shines but it's too far to reach and
I think death would be
Substantially better
Than this hell

I remember that picture so clearly.
So why does it matter?
Why does anything matter?
Wouldn't it be great if you could just...
Cut your flesh and dig around to see what you're made of?
To feel the muscles and blood and tendons between your finger tips?
Or to take a bottle of pills and see the light before tasting the depressing feel of a stomach pumped?
Or to lay halfway out of an upside down, burning car? Near death and wishing for a sweet relief.

When do I get that sweet relief?

Without being a coward.

When do I find the one to let me touch the slivering of scales against my skin without being afraid?
To let my body be enough?
When do I get to laugh and carry on without caring about anyone else in the world?
I want to taste the freedom.
To feel it pull me in and cradle me like a soft child.
To tell me that I haven't been enough for others until this moment.
Where I am more than enough and so much more to look forward to.
When is it my turn to be enough for someone
that is so much more than enough
For me?

I
hope
they
partake
in
the
floral
crown
trend
and
I
hope
it
eats
you
alive

Murmuring gets you no where.


But I've been here before and not


just because I walk this way everyday.

This last go around it was
abundant in your voice.
You sneakily throw in my face
just one of the many pretty things
this mouth could bring to life.
You know your marks,
you know where it hurts most.
I finally tried to be better,
the one that used to make your heart sing.
But every time you come around,
just silent screaming blurs.
It isn't anyone's fault,
just the way stars cross.
Filled with regret,
I can never seem to forget
the way it used to be.
Just you and me and
the endless possibilities.

I sit and enjoy the talk.
Wind in our hair,
The clothes we wear.
Celebrated a life long lived,
Having someone near
would make it more vivid.
Maybe I'm being selfish,
it isn't my day.
Holding a hand
would make it less boring
is all I can really say.

This heart
Is being tore
Apart

It's a joke,
You see
Go ahead
And laugh
If you please

But am I
Not just human?
Do I not
Deserve forgiveness
Like you?

Ripped from
My sunken chest,
It hangs in
Thin air and
Illuminates in
The things
It could have
Easily been

You're the last
To know my
Graceless heart
And you will still
Be the first to know
My graceful heart

Without even
Wanting to be
A part of it but
It's life, and unlike
The things that
Controlled me
In my unpleasant past

I'll hold onto the things
You taught me and with
Everything I decide to do
The 17 year old you
Will still be there

My voice of reason
The thing I once knew
I could trust and felt like
I was something different,
Something enough

This is the story of an old man
He likes to light up city's
And disappear without a will to understand
Because he's oh, so witty

It may not seem like much
But it used to cause a fever touch
And just short of love
Maybe it would have been enough

But here's the story of how
He likes to light this up
And makes fun of a fat cow
(But I'm jumping ahead)
This is the story of us:

Once upon a time in a village it seems, there was cheer and laughter with a promise of 'next year'. It was quite dark out, hard to see. There was a peasant sitting on a bench made from tree, and the knight in shinning arm was pleasantly knelled before her feet.

In the moonlight he gripped her face, a soft thumb wiped a graceful tear off a less than perfect cheek. They blocked out the distant noise with the sound of their heartbeats.

With a quiver just above a whisper the girl said,

"I'm never gonna see you again, am I?"

The hand grabbed tighter onto her face as the knights booming and sturdy voice said,

"This is not the end!"

Try with all her might, she couldn't phantom this being right. He made her brave and carefree, made her feel a numbing pulse and shaking knees. But we all have doubts, especially the ones that believe they are never good enough.

"You don't know just how stunning you are tonight," is what the boy said.

Maybe it was beautiful or maybe it was a different verb. The peasant girl, being useless in every way, tends to not remember every word that they would say. But at least she forgives eventually.

The boy hugged her and whispered,

"I wish I could kiss you right now."

She knew she heard correctly but wanted to make sure. So she tore apart the hug and asked him to repeat what he said.

"I wish I could hug you," is what he said he had said.

"No, it's not. You said you wanted to kiss me," she defiantly stated.

He looked back up at her and said,

"That is what I said."


And that truly shocked this poor girl because never had anyone said that directly to her that she wanted to kiss back.

"You don't want to kiss me," she wanted to play difficult.

"I do want to kiss you," he said in a hurry.

She decided to be brave again. Life is too short, she reasoned.

"So why don't you?" She asked him. But her heart was going against the portrait of strength on her face.

"I don't want to mess things up," he sighed, defeated.

She was truly lost here. What could he possibly mess up? Did they not want each other?

"What are you going to mess up if you kissed me?" She pondered.

"I just want to make sure it's right. I promise I'll kiss you one day."

And so he decided that he was done with conversation and she wasn't very rhythmic. So he left her there on that bench.

He left her there in every single way.

Over the years, she had made plenty of mistakes. And she figures he has kissed plenty to this day. Anyone can find her traveling that short distance to the same spot.

He found better, the thing that's most definitely right. Now she writes in the early hours of morning. She gets angry at herself and at him, sometimes the world and how he truly knows how to show you life isn't fair.

But she goes and although she no longer is a peasant and he is a different knight in shinning armor, she lets her soul and imagination run free. Goes back in time, finds the strength to kiss him instead.

From physical to
The mental state,
I am a regret that each
And every one of them has made

I am the bad choice,
The part they will never
Tell their grandchildren
I am the easily replaceable,
The forgettable if it wasn't for
The things I regret doing,
Would you even remember me?

I am the one you scrub off your skin,
Mouthwash the taste of my type of love
Out of your mouth and spit the backwash
Where you left me,
Where you found me
Down here on the ground

I am the opposite you look for now,
I am the reminder of your low standard
I am the 'What the **** was I thinking?'
I am the **** of all jokes you know

But I'm the reminder of
How far you've come and the road
Of everything you now know
To look out for and staying clear of it

So,
At least I
Did that right.

Heart of blue florescence
The memory like moths,
Attracts the reminder
Unforeseen the pain
In the way I now sob your name
But there's no one meeting under here
Silence creeps in like the night
Confusion bites like mosquitoes,
Realization is the thump
In the surrounding woods, unseen
The dark consumes fast

It must feel nice
To feel like you have the
Complexion of God or karma

Cover your face,
I have a secret to spare
I'm broken in the ugliest of ways
And your jokes or attempts at being clever,
It passes by me

You can't touch what's not there,
You can't punch the feeling
When it's hallowed out
Only comes alive for a guy I'll never know,
The kind that moved on

The questioning pinning,
The drama of it all
It's for the birds

He doesn't think of me
But I know he's out there
He doesn't see me anymore
But I dream of a figure that still cares

Shallow,

                

                      Hollow breaths


           Blued and grayed skin



    Stretches over expanding rib cage



        Padded microscopic indented tips

        

                 Move over spherical bone

  

          Over and over again


               Maybe now she's enough


      Years of being alone,


               Nothing made sense


    Chapped and cracked lips


Break into a smile



              Liquid moisturizes scarce places,


             No longer dry


        He'd prefer her like this,


Something to be proud of




                          She takes a breath,




    Another one,




                   Haggard and labored



      She is frozen

How do you know the pain is real?

He trampled over my life and had to be reminded to make sure I was alright.

He walked all over me and I, all over him.

And one day I decided I was much better. A black hole, let him roam life degrading different souls.

I came to realize this was not true pain.

When I found your face, there was a pin prickle wave from my feet to my brain. I swear I almost threw up from flashbacks hitting my conscious like an 18-wheeler.

And a hollow cry that broght tears I thought I thought were dry when I realized I can never have those promises kept.

A hollowness that reopened old cracks that pushed further until they reached the core of matter.

You were the only good thing in my life and I have changed my mind one ******* million times but I took full blame for the way you will never want to see me stay true to my promises ending in the intended way.

True pain is realizing that it was supposed to always be you.

True pain is thinking I no longer have a heart because it was broken, but then realizing from the very start my heart was in your hand. Finding you again gave me my real heart back, not the one I handmade after we said bye that day.

True pain is breaking my heart that you gave back because I realized I ******* everything up.

True pain is him coming back to do everything he could possibly do, but it would never be enough because it's not you. I know you're long gone, but I hope someday you will find the truth in my words.

True pain is clearing everything, clearing everyone out and filling myself with nothing but you. When it's too late.

Circle tap tap

The best thing my time never had

The past is where it's at

And I would love to go back,

Feel that electric lightning zap

But I'll save a space for his timeless laugh

Tap circle tap

I acted like a total brat

But he loved that I was fat

Gave my stomach many pats

I wish I never wasted his time

Tap tap circle

What I did was quite brutal

And my apologies would be futile

I wished he'd better himself

And now I see it wasn't too late for him

Just in time*

Tap tap tap circle

This world is ****** up

But I'll learn to be enough

Maybe if I had two holes in each ear

I would learn how to correctly hear

The st-st-stutter

And the way I was never good at being

The queen of Chevron

Innocence was lost when I couldn't breathe

In the hues of red hills

And I can't hide the way I can't deal

With never mending burnt bridges and heal

With the mistakes I breathe life into

The bigger picture isn't on any wall,

I spend my time looking back and stall

You can't change what you destroyed

So pick better people to surround yourself with

And the voices fill my head with filth

Just love myself and find that

Tap tap tap circle circle

I carry the burden
of always caring
for the ones that wouldn't dare
for the ones that have passed
for the ones not yet
brought to life

My heart has the capacity
to sustain time and decay
And regardless of what people say
my heart is bigger than
my body in every way

I am a survivalist
I make it through every list
and every room has
different views

Packed to the maximum
I still find the knowledge
to out last the best of 'em

I am an old soul
that has survived
even the harshest of cold
in a body that is
made of solid gold

Certain bumps in the night
things stop collecting
over periodic time
No longer feeling of fright

And my guide is built
for endless fights

you're good at
what you do
you sit and
listen for weaknesses
you're a judgmental
user who likes
to form their
very own lies
you act like
you are better
than everyone but
in all reality
you're the lowest
of all lows
but dont worry
who you are
has nothing on
my past so
you can try
and bring me
down but yet
i will always
rise.

Who
am
i?

You're off having fun


And I'm watching you enjoy


Every new sun and it feels like


I maybe never even existed to you

I lick my
finger tips
to get boys attention.
Or maybe
I'm just getting
a pesky hair out of
my smoke field mouth.
Why go so fast?
Living fast
and
dying young.
It's okay.
I don't care about
what you've heard
or what you'll try
to do.
Would you rather hear
about what this mouth has done
and maybe
where these hands have gone,
dear?
I can tell you stories
about what these eyes
have seen
and I could recite all
the pretty words these
ears have believed.
But those aren't
the ones you want to hear.
And unfortunately,
those aren't the ones
my mouth will ever bare
to snakes like you,
who think they have
already won.

Look past
The indifference
And remember
The good times

Remember me
For the sweet
And caring things
Not angry and
Toiletry things

Because I'll
Remember the way
Your face flushed
And you were keen
At looking at the ground
Just the same at making
Silly faces and singing
Me songs that are heard
By someone else now

I'll remember
Summer rain and
Storms with flowers
Because you like to
Be an ever-present reminder

And sometime I'll dance
In the rain and I'll dance
When there's a party and
No matter who is beside me
I'll silently do it for you

And you never felt it,
You probably never will
But sometimes it's just there
And you remember why it is
Or who it's for because
You couldn't get rid of the feeling
Even if you forgot these things

And I will always feel it and
Remember who it's for
Im distant and gone from you now
And I don't know if you ever
Really felt anything but
I will always love you

Because you made me brave
And you made me laugh
You made me believe in myself
When no one else took the time
To even learn my name
Before making fun of me
Because you tried so hard
And I let you down

Is it safe to say
that you're a better man today?
Is it clear enough
that I acknowledge your contentment in this life?
Have you found
everything you have looked for?
Is it obvious with the way
they find time to make you blush?
Years have passed and
it doesn't fully make sense.
Horrible like a deceiving snake,
I spend my life asking what if.
Doomed to life of hell,
it's what's deserve,
it's what I get.
Year's later, hard to forget.
And honestly, that's the
worst hell that could
ever be foreseen.
Scraping ice of windows,
time has no defeat at your hands.
Living with seeing bear and
never knowing,
a life spent in despair.

Freckles,


         They just aren't on your face


And they connect more


      Than just random shapes on skin,


They connect people like


           Stars and galaxy's in the


Palms of the beholders.

Rip out your eyes,
search even deeper for something close to truth.
Examine every aspect of a line,
A game you were made to lose,
that's all you will ever find.

Make all the noise that he can,
write pretty rhythm with his hand.
But you will never believe that man.

Tear apart your half beating heart,
going past the deepest of scars.
The pain that you first felt,
it's the same that you delt.
You call out to the long gone,
emptiness will stay a phantom in your arms.

Make all the noise that he can,
write pretty rhythm with his hands.
But you will never believe that man.

Search for light in the peace,
a feeling that will never cease.
Longing for a great divine,
a feeling that will out stand time.
A burden you will never heal,
the fate of never knowing has been sealed.

Make a beat to shake my ground,
write words for a heart to cry without a sound.
Your happiness was never mine to be found.

Maybe now she'll
fully participate when
she's imagining your
graceful love and she doesn't
know if your hands are
soft or rough but
she imagines they're soft so
the hands that pass the time
on her are soft and
she doesn't remember what
you smelt like or if you still
smell like that but the
darkness of her eyelids portray
the grass and water and
trees and it will sometimes
smell like it just rained
and sometimes it will smell
like sunshine and summer air
and she doesn't know
how it feels to be a part
of your hair but the hair
in front of her will be yours,
eyes closed and she is
used to this, imagining
it was someone it would
never be and it never
felt right and she doesn't know
if it will always stay like this
but at least with her
eyes closed now she'll
participate and
wouldn't you know,
that's a whole
new joke of
it's own

I will stay on my knees in this bright searchlight and I will feel the heat melt my skin.

Will I be alive enough for you then?

I will stick to my promise and I will speak my truth to you.

Will I be alive enough for you then?

And when you sang that song again, loud enough for me to hear it,

Was I alive enough for you then?