I want to swim
Like a dolphin in your veins,

Make laps through
Each fold of your brain,

Take time to travel to your heart
Where nothing would ever be the same

She said I'm such a child
But she wasn't right

I think it's funny how
People look similar in certain light

Maybe if I never made those mistakes
I could have known who you really are,

Spend this life with you
As my very own personal star

But you owe me nothing,
I wish I could go back

Turn this heart into fire
Now it's just black

Captain America
And taking jumps,
Popping pens
While I pop more drinks

You think you're clever
And you are,
You think you're better
But you're not

Stealing time and wasting
This precious life
On a guy who doesn't care
You can be IT,
Clean your fingernails

You think you're clever
And you are,
You think you're better
But you're not

The roles change
And you beat me at my game,
The roles changed but
I found my own way
Drink beer with your friends
And play your card games
You're just another level
In this video to tame

My hands are tied
But I smile like I'm fine,
Each boy is just the same
And doesn't see past my infamous fame
Play the same game
And I will keep counting each carcass
While listening to Calivin Harris

You think you're clever
But you weren't,
You think you're better
But we're on the same level

You see me standing
But it's a struggle
Addictions and never enough

You see me down
I'm always willing to help out
For those alone

Between the remembering of having had
A small guy with big dreams,
Self worth demolished
By a cousin who can't see your worth

A pasture so clean
He doesn't even know me
But that look says otherwise

A boy who tried so hard,
Used him up
To drain him dry

Have you felt the pain of
Stone on your palms,
Hitting hard and ***** acid
Infecting the bleeding cuts?

If I eat less and become more
Would I be enough?
Cool like ranch,
I live in the winter of my life

Skinny is where it's at

You too know me,
You wanted me
Maybe a friend of my brother,
Maybe a laugher in the lab

You know me
Past this cold stone

I haven't felt this low
In my life
I don't understand
What's wrong with people
And what's right with the world

I'm a mess and hard
But you come around to understand
You aren't like them,
You seem to care
But only when you're here

I want to feel youthful
With you
Bend my body in ways
The others can't do

Show you love and warmth

But it isn't like that,
You seem different but the same
Can you picture it?
Me with your name

It's too soon,
You don't feel it

He shows up if
I let you go
Or I can wonder why
My new worth isn't enough

I want to buy it,
Dress **** for you
Call you daddy and
Touch you in ways that are new

But he isn't you

He has someone new,
Someone better than I could ever do
So what's stopping me
From diving headfirst
Into another lifelong regret
To see if you love me too?

You make my heart beat,
Would you like to feel it?
I already know how this goes,
The way it's written...
By me

But stop for a minute,
Understand I'm just like
Any ****** up human

I care but I won't
Ever consider twice at playing games
Do you understand?
I won't fall until you do,
I picture us a year from now
But I won't verbally tell you

My chest tightens
But he isn't here
Do I let it go and hope for the best?
You said I'm crazy,
I heard it myself
You don't know crazy
Until I show you it myself

But I can be you're daydream,
Talking **** so sweet
Or would you want to know the real me?
Because I care.

I'm socially awkward,
I have trust issues that grow
I don't know the difference between
Fast and slow

Care to show me what's right?
Between what I wrote and
How it feels to picture us
On a roller coaster ride of your life
Three years down the line?

A swirl of clouds
And thundering rain,
Winds ungodly and
The stench of fear and death

It is done,
Unthought of all
The memories created there
Families and love stories

I dreamt a dream,
It was us two
At Disney and universal
You asked me as a ride was ending,

"Are you having fun?"
And I couldn't look at your face
But I timidly said,

"Mostly because you are here"
And I kissed you
Where the mouth ends and cheek begins
And you vanished as I pulled back

It was over like
A hurricane and a waterpark
A memory of us
In the tunnel of love
For children who hasn't
Seen each other in a year

But you knew it was me
And I felt this pull,
I knew I would disappoint
Like I did that day
Climed to the top of Black Hole,

I remembet it now

And it was our turn,
I cried because I couldn't see
I cried because of the height
And the unknown
So my mother took me down

We went to the wave pool
And it was of luck,
Just a wave of destiny

Because I hadn't seen you
In what seemed like forever,
I wanted you there because I was alone
But you were here in the water

You were here and
I felt like home

Now it's gone
The tunnel and a piece of
Black Hole remains

What if I never cried?
Would you have looked at me still?

It's childish to remember
But you were it
And now I'm in a wave pool
Alone

Where's the tunnel?
Where's the scary ride?
The embarrassment of being scared?

You knew me
Better than anyone else,
You still do

It is possible to
Hate and love some people
At the same time,
I wake up everyday
With this feeling
For myself

I stared down the bottles,
Clear and filled with
Neon pink,
My old friends gathered
In neat rows of packed and sealed medication

I almost gave in,
Deep breaths,
Butterflies that once were
From boys were now
From what helps cope
With the burden of never being enough

My hands twitched and
My eyelid fluttered
It would be easy to go back,
To feel that again
And I want to

I want to feel numb from them
And laying beside someone
I want to laugh from the high
And kiss the pain away

But I have another way,
More functioning this time
I drown them away now
So I don't remember the dreams
Of kissing them
Or touching their faces
Or connecting with them

If you have never been addicted
To something to take the pain away
Have you ever truly lived?
Have you ever truly loved?

At least I did one thing right,
Standing in November rain
I wouldn't put up a fight
Take away the pain,
Would you hold me tight?

Sun shines through,
I want to be someone you never knew,
Someone that is brand new
Better than the other few

Smoking whatever you want to,
I could die just being here with you
You seem like someone I always knew
Breath it in and I'm feeling blue

My walls down,
You seen me and no longer frown,
Blue turns to brown
And I hit the hard cold ground

I want to wrap you up,
Protect you like a new born
But you've out grown me
Do you remember?  
You stared like you always wanted it
And you're so fit
How could I compete
When I'm not a skinny babe?

They tell me I'm skinning down,
The less I eat the more chance
Someone like you turns around
And my heart would make all these sounds

Would it be enough?
Years ago, shine shows through
The lucky part is I could die
Laughing with you.

I
still
don't
know
what
love
means

Have you ever felt alone?
The bare minimum isn't enough?
Like you're breathing for no special reason?
Do you take what you can get?
Do you shut up with the fear of losing it all?
Have you lied to pretend that it truly is whatever?
Like you aren't surprised by the outcome?
I have.
I feel like this everyday.
I am tired,
I am exhausted.
That's why I'm a ****.
Today isn't yesterday,
Or four years ago,
Six years ago,
Eight, nine, ten,
Eleven years ago.
Today is today and you may think I don't deserve respect
Which is why I'm a ****.
Confuse who I am today for a dumb *******,
I'll be the biggest **** you have ever met.
But there is someone out there,
Watching and keeping tabs.
Someone that sees I'm drowning,
Dying because I can't handle this on my own.
Where are you?
Who are you?
If you notice someone dying do you watch?
Do you walk away?
Or do you show yourself?
Do you let resentment go and find the good in people?
I am washed ashore,
Dying for air but missing the water that surrounded me.
I am a fish that wants to be loved,
Admired in a tank filled with your love.
Whoever you are,
I need you.
I've needed people and things before,
Most of my life I have depended on these things
To make it through,
To make it matter in anyway.
Now I need it to live,
To make it seem worthwhile.

I miss the addiction of freedom,
When you knew it was time to go home
By the streetlights turning on
Running up the hills and catching lightening bugs
I miss ice cream trucks and
When swimming pools meant
I was picked up and thrown out further by my dad,
Not me doing it for a little boy who doesn't have one
I miss the addiction of summer,
Vacations, camps
And bus rides with secret plans
Watching the stars for the beauty,
Not planes for the unknown
I have lived and died a hundred thousand times
And this time,
This time on the ground,
I don't have the will to get back up
Frostbitten and shaking,
My breath blows smoke and
Smears the stars and just for a moment
I close my eyes and reach out,
Feeling and tasting freedom once again
You would have never left,
You would have cared
In a way no one else does now

I want this.
To be the caregiver,
To be protected

I want a love.
The kind you see in movies,
Read in books,
Daydream of

The kind that shows you off,
That wouldn't leave you left out,
Isn't afraid of the looks

That loves me for me,
And maybe the way my
Mouth can move up and down
And the way my imperfect body
Can contort against his,
Hairy on hairy
Grunt on grunt

I'd call him daddy when I feel bad,
Softly admit I love him when I feel vulnerable
Give him what he wants

Cook and clean,
Work and take care of the kids
Just for him

And all I want in return?
All I ever really need?
Loyalty and to be loved.
Loved and cared for.

Is that too much to ask for?

"God,
Give me a sign
Or I have to give up.
I can't do this anymore.
Please just let me die.
Beigh alive
Hurts too much."