That moment when your realize,
You've taken a step too far,
You can't take it back,
You're ruined forever.

I came into this world,
My sister automatically hated me,
She wouldn't get the jewelry,
That my mother promised she would give,

My mother told me about jellybeans
"it will make you feel better,"  she said

I first learnt to walk,
My brother let me fall,
He said two children was enough,
Then I came and ruined it all,

My dad gave me a jellybean,
"it'll make you happy again" he said

I turned five,
My teacher didn't like me,
She found me a disgrace,
Just by being the way I am,

My friend gave me her jellybean,
"the jellybean would make you think of heaven instead,"

Ten was the worst,
I was fat as hell,
Girls picked while boys laughed,
Everyone just said it was puberty,

I ran home to my sister,
She said,"the jellybean will drive the pain away"

A teenager I soon became,
My father was drunk,
Rapping on the door like a ghost,
It was as if he felt his life was done,

My brother covered my ears,
"don't listen to his say, let the jellybean lead the way"

My grandmother died,
My mother cried her soul out,
She was like a sister to me,
My life was now incomplete,

My aunt dried my tears and said,
"Bite down on this jellybean, it's your only happy place"

My mother was stuck in depression,
Nothing could help her,
I was on my own now,
Everyone looked past me,

god came down to me and gave me a jellybean,
"never give up" was his advice to me.

20 was my age,
To rise and shine,
My family was finally happy again,
It was so great I had tears in my eyes,

My family gave me a box of jellybeans,
"more the merrier!" they said to me,

It was during college,
Did a handsome man ask,
"why eat those jellybeans,
When you're supposed to be sad?"

I gave him a jellybean, smiled and said,
"more sweetness fills in, than tears are shed,"

The man became my lover,
We were everything to each other,
We planned a whole life together,
Until he had to part away forever,

He kissed me on the lips and dried my eyes,
"please take this sweet, as token of my love for you,"

I went back home to find,
my brother had gone haywire,
He didn't listen to anyone anymore,
He was a rebel now,

I calmed him down and all he said,
"Carmel, you don't understand, all you care about is jellybeans,"

Soon after there was 'breaking news' on the TV
My brother had killed,
But soon ran away,
And I was related to a murderer,

My sister hugged me and asked,
"does this call for a jellybean?"

I got a job as an assistant  mental helper,
What more could I do?
My resumé didn't hide my history,
Dead gran, criminal brother...

My sad face softened the one on my boss,
"have this jellybean, it's all I have," he said

A year after the same routine,
Did I learn my father had a drink too much,
The hospital bed he lied,
And went away without my goodbye,

After The nurse told me everything, I looked into my purse,
"oh beautiful jellybean, please do your magic," 

After, a marriage was arranged for me,
The man was sweet, but not mine,
He was a choice of someone else,
Which is what hurt me a lot,

I looked for a jellybean, but my sister sighed and said,
"you are about to be married, no need for those antics,"

In reality, the man and I were friends,
We had a bit in common,
But nothing like my lover,
I was alone again,

My mind yearned for a jellybean,
But I stopped, for my sister knew what I was doing

The day to tie the knot,
My mother was half gone,
She came in a wheel chair,
Yet she was clapping along,

The priest spoke as my 'husband' smiled,
"no jellybean, but smile, smile for them," I thought.

After living a different life,
I still hadn't learn to love him,
My sister got mad and ran away,
Far away from me, she said,

My husband sat down and gave me a packet of jellybeans,
"I know it's what you love, take them and smile again, for me"

31 my brother payed a visit,
He had changed so much I could have loved him instead,
He cried and apologized,
But I just gave him a hug and SMILED,

He gave me a special jellybean,
"to tell you how much I appreciate it," he said.

He lived with me for a while,
My "lover" said I needed the company,
We laughed, smiled and cried together,
It was the best year of my life,

My friend came up to me and said,
"a jellybean for improving your happiness," 

Later my mother was fully gone,
My brother couldn't bare the pain,
He ran away, for he wasn't strong,
Sadness filled my air again,

My neighbor came and wished me well,
But no happiness came without a jellybean.

My depression,
It became my obsession,
My husband tried and gave up,
There was nothing he could do,

Cigarettes were my new candy,
"I'm sorry, Carmel, you're too old for jellybeans'' 

My husband screamed,
I would never try,
So he packed his bags,
And left with no sweet goodbye,

I cried my heart out, and pulled out my cigarette,
" wow, Carmel, look what you've done"I said.

So this was my life,
I was lonely as hell,
No family to love me,
No one to ask if I was well,

I left the cigarette and took out my special jellybean,
" at least it sweetens the pain, reduces the hurt, and make you feel as if you're whole again,"

After all that has become, 
after all that has been done,
The jellybean never left my side, 
It was the one who loved me, all this time

"I love you, Jellybean," I said, " you are my one and only, best friend,"

I never knew that walking into a room would change my life.

People would debate on my life and death,
Bringing people in and out,
Asking for evidence,
While I just sit there,
Quiet.

The next step of my life is judged,
By a bunch of people in white wigs,
And the majesty herself.

A guard came over,
Grabbed me by the wrists,
Cuffed them,
And took me away.

Now I'm in a room,
Where the eyes of pity and anger,
Are placed upon me.

I cannot look at anyone,
So I look down,
But I feel their glare burning my soul.

I see a red head,
In the biggest seat,
And realize,
It's Queen Elizabeth herself.

My nerves put me under pressure,
I'm not sure about anything anymore,
Am I going to die, or am I going to live?

I was forced into a seat,
As the light shone on me,
And everyone looked and stared.

The woman was tall in her high chair,
so was everyone,
But me.

She quietly said some words
stating my "crime"
Even though I was perfectly not guilty.

I was silenced to not say a word.
People framed me,
But I did no wrong.

I needed to get away,
 But my plans were ruined,
As someone came in,
And the doors were locked.

No windows for air.
And I heard the man speak,
But no truth came out.

One by one,
People spoke against me,
And I knew that I was not lucky.

My heart began to beat,
When the Queen looked at me,
And I could only see disgust in her eyes.

When the final man,
Left the room,
It was clear,
The answer in their eyes.

I couldn't understand,
That a room full of people hated me,
And not one thought otherwise.

Everyone held their breaths,
And looked at the lady,
Even though we all knew what was to come.

She screamed 'guilty' 
and the whole place erupted.
Tears fell down my eyes,
No one loved me,
At all.

The guards took me outside,
Where the gloomy morning hit my face,
Everyone followed out,
To witness my death.

My head was forced onto the block,
Which fitted neatly.
My hands were tied behind me back,
And my whole life flashed in front of me.

The executioner entered the outside,
Placing the axe at my head,
As he lifted I thought about,
All the people who wanted me dead.

"I promise you, mother, I will do my best.
I'll haunt their dreams,
Until they forgive."

Sweat trickled down my sacked head,
My heart faster than a cheetah,
My body shaking under the sky,
This was my final cry.

And the sound of crows echoed the open at the sudden sound of death.

I look into the mirror,
And see my reflection.
It has changed so much,
Changed from when I was a child.

Tears sting my eyes,
Since I don't see the same face anymore.
I'm NOT the same person anymore.
My mind isn't tiny anymore.

I see traces of my family,
Inside my eyes,
Traces of me,
Inside my words.

But I cannot be the same person
Again.
I can't love the child,
That I once was.

I always wanted to grow up,
Now that dream came true.
I could never treasure the days being a child,
I am forever doomed.

My only wish is to be young again,
Free again.
But God has made His decision,
I can never be.

And now I'm looking at a mirror,
As a flashback washes over me,
I hate myself for what I did.
I hate that I never loved me.

I only have this mirror,
To remind me of my mistakes.
But at least I can go back,
And love the way I lived.

I live next door,
To a ballerina,
I hear music all day,
And see lights on all night,

It doesn’t bother me,
For we are good friends,
I knew her forever,
Even as a child,

Sometimes I see her,
From my bedroom window,
Dancing like her life depends on it,
Only, it really does,

She moves,
With such grace,
Delicately on her toes,
As if it was easy,

She glances out her window,
Sees me staring,
Flashes a smile,
As if everything was okay,

But I too knew her too well,
To fall for that lie,
I looked at her long and hard,
And now I see why,

Beads of sweat,
Fell down her forehead,
Her legs shook,
As she did a developpe,

Her face was pained,
Strong hint of confusion,
Yet she smiled away,
As if she wasn’t hurting,

She was beautiful,
She could pass as a goddess,
But if you looked closely,
You could see she wasn’t flawless,

Her ever-so-fake smile,
Is what gave her away,
And the shine in her eyes,
Was simply the tears kept inside

Just when I thought,
It was a trick of the light,
She tripped and fell down,
Into a puddle of her own tears,

I didn’t know,
What to do,
Should I climb out my window?
Or leave her in pain?

One thought was dominant,
And it was neither of either,
I screamed just enough,
For her to hear,

She looked up,
And cried once again,
I asked her what was wrong,
Was everything okay?

She said it wasn’t,
As she walked towards her window,
And then did I see her body,
As thin as a straw,

She told me her story,
Everyone was screaming at her,
They said she was pathetic,
Useless in so many ways,

She said she agreed,
They were telling the truth,
She was too fat to be beautiful,
Too fat to dance,

That’s when it hit me,
It explained so much,
She had a disorder,
Anorexia nervosa,

I told her the truth,
While her body shook,
I shook my head and said,
“It’s going to be okay,
My little ballerina”

She smiled, and left.