I hope this finds you well.

You still have my heart-

It beats not in my chest,

but in your hands.

​

Please do not return it-

For all that you may think of it,

it truly is yours.

It has belonged to you since the day we met-

you plucked it out of my chest

with your quick wit and smooth charm.

​

Or rather, it fell right out of my mouth-

flew right past my tied-tongue and outstretched arms.

You called to it, and it sang for you-

gladly leaving me behind.

​

You were a better home, anyway.

You cared for it, nursed it, and for you

it grew and grew

until I got lost in its blooms.

​

So please, I hope you keep it.

If not, just throw it away.

But please don't give it back to me.

It will only ache.

And perhaps we will meet again

in another lifetime.

But for now, I will wallow in the pain

that which your absence has caused.

Your absence feels cold

but that’s okay.

I will wrap myself in a blanket

of memories of you,

to try and mimic the warmth

that you once gave me.

You didn’t mean to leave,

and that’s okay.

For the coldness of your absence

is a reminder of how warmly

you loved in this lifetime.

I cannot pretend to be cool.
They all see it, they laugh at me for being a fool
and I sit there devastated, that my face is ripped apart.
I feel weak, quite. I can't stand it.
My heart pumps only if eyes are on me, but it splits
when the eyes cast on me poison green.
I *****? I am disgusting.
A fool, I am a fool.
I disgust myself and everyone,
when I go outside, trees twist just to look away.
God, what have you done?
Does it matter? It doesn't turn me any wiser.
Burn my guilt, but do not make me rise
and glow the same red for eternity.
Do not make me a Phoenix, I will only have the same feathers and claws.
Every time I die, turn me to something new.
If I die with fire, then raise me in waters.
If I die in the mountains, then form me in the clouds.
If I die with claws, then give me flippers.
If I die a snake then make me a cow.
If I die with glory, house my new childhood in shame.
Do not give me the same mistakes.
I do not deserve thoughts, they only spit lies and defilement.
Do not bring the gods into this
They already know, they have seen this even before my birth,
failure or not, I wish to not see their divine lens
on my life, I shall be afraid.
Shame on me, I loath myself on every occasion
that I thought to myself as improving
but the only thing refined
are the lies I tell myself.

Hey, it's been a while since we last talked, and I know that you don't want to talk to me, or hear from me, at all. You are right, I would hate me too.

I know that I made it seem like I never cared about you, or like your absence had no effect on me, but I think of you everyday, and I long to talk to you everyday. At this point, I think that I'm only okay when I'm busy. I'm really sorry for everything I've done. I care about you, enormously. I love you still. I know that there's nothing I could say to make it better, so I say nothing.

I wish I could talk to you, and see how you're doing. How life has been treating you. But I know that I would only hinder your healing and make you sad. I don't want to make you sad again. I don't want to see your teary eyes ever again.

You were my angel. You have touched my soul in a way that no one ever did before. And I will forever live with your memory.

How do I let you leave
When you've seen me naked
By naked I don't mean my clothes stripped off
Of my scarred flesh
I mean when my smile was disrobed
My tears were unveiled,
I mean when my screams were haunting
Our demised house
And my claw scrapes all over our scarlet walls.

I mean when my bloodhound self
Was wild with madness of grief,
And when everyone abandoned me
Just because I was a bit human.
You saw me naked.

You saw my orbs turn to the color of night,
You saw my lips fade to the color of daffodils.
You saw my body covered with fresh stamps of silent howls,
You saw my body torn wide with black flowers blooming out.
You have seen me naked
In my white clothes which are now soaked red.

Only you can wash out the tint which is permanent,
So tell me, how do I let you leave?
When you've seen me all stripped off.

I want you
Not only the pretty you
Not only the beautiful you
I want all of you
Your imperfections that you care
Those scars of the past that you hide
All those dreams you want to share
And all the tears that you fight

I want you
Not for today not for tomorrow
I want you to be forever
So we could share our happiness and also sorrow

The you, now maybe confused
The you, now maybe scared
The you now may be traumatized
The you now maybe facing some unknown fear
And for that may be ,reason is me

Want to be together but not only in happiness
Want you beside me , holding hands also in your sadness
Want to wrap my arms around you , so you can heal by my side
So close that you can feel my love and nervousness I hide

Let's paint our own , a beautiful love story
With the paints of love and colours so bright
That will never stop just like a ocean tide.
It may sound crazy now or even impossible
But believe me
On this path of life with me
Because we have so much to do, remember

The way I see her

I look at her as though she were perfect.

I want to constantly feel like we connect.

She makes my heart beat quickly

And acts as if it is silly.



Her eyes are a dense forest and I easily get lost in them.

They sparkle in the sun, but look

in the darkness like a rocky cave.

They look like a fresh new leather book

And she never looks anything else but brave.



Her smile is a warm fire that melts my heart.

When she smiles it’s like a work of art.

It is as though she doesn’t know

That her smile is that of a doe.



Her laugh gives me goosebumps and I just want to hug her.

She has no idea that I like it.

Her laugh is as ringing of bells are in the distance.

It makes me smile bigger than I care to admit.

One joke and she laughs without persistence.



Her hair is brown leaves at the end of Fall.

And is as soft as a warm woolen shawl.

Her different hairstyles make me smile,

And make me want to stay with her for awhile.



Whenever I see her my eyes light up and my heart quickens.

I can’t stop staring at her.

Even by simply saying hello, I grin.

And it all happens in blur.

I also get little tingles all over my skin.



I look at her as though she were perfect,

and she doesn’t know I feel like we clicked.

I never told you, but you saved me. When I met you, I was at the lowest point of my life. I felt invisible, insignificant. And then you came into my life with your energy, your laughter, and that way of making everyone around you feel special. You were the first person in a long time who truly saw me, who cared about me beyond the surface. I don’t know if you ever realized how much you meant to me. Maybe for you, it was just another friendship, something temporary. But for me, you were everything. You gave me reasons to smile when I thought I had none left. You showed me that life had more to offer, and that it was worth continuing. I still think about you, and it hurts that we drifted apart. I never told you, but thank you. Really, thank you for everything.

Don’t tell me you want my lips,
Don’t tell me you need my tongue.
Just shut up.
Dig your claws into my back.
Make me bleed
as I pin you against the wall,
Thrusting all of me
into the deepest parts of you,
until our eyes roll back in a
primal flurry
and we feel nothing but a raging fire.

Let the flames melt our pain.
Baptize me in your sweat.
Don’t let me remember what you were
or who I was supposed to be
before I looked.

You learn to throw it scraps now and then
Keep the demons at bay
Yet they grow hungry again and again,
No hope in tomorrow for them to be slain

Battling the monsters, for so long
Who would've thought you'd become one
Staring at the abyss, the abyss stares at you
Feeding a hunger which you never even knew

Could destroy you, and destroy you it did
Your life ruined by the thirst which can't be quenched
Waiting for the day you lie down to rest
Your death the only promise which lies at your end.

You there, in the shadows deep,
A soul adrift, in the silence you keep.
Your presence whispers, a ghostly hue,
Lost in the crowd, unnoticed, it's true.

You long for connection, a hand to hold,
But the world rushes by, cold and bold.
In the solitude of your quiet despair,
you're longing, your silent prayer.

Your silence speaks volumes, louder than words,
Echoing loneliness, like distant birds.
But hear me now, in this quiet refrain,
I see you, I feel you, I share your pain.

So hold on tight, dear soul, don't fear,
For I am here, always near.
In the depths of your despair, it's true,
I haven't forgotten you, and I never will do

Time is a bus that I am running behind
I cannot catch up, but still, I am
trying to quicken my pace
I grieve for people who have yet to die
and I mourn for places I have yet to see
Trying to get ahead of it,
trying to outrun the river,
but the water flows and dips,
Merciless; soon it reaches my ankles
and I am flailing against
all that I used to know, all that I used to love

Memories, unforgiving, beat me down,
tear my heart to shreds
But I used to think it slow
Wandering behind it like
rolling down a meadow
a child happy as a butterfly
Strolling, steady, like only
a child knows how to,
Unbothered and never late
since late is seldom known
But now I see the seasons
come and go, I tasted the bitter end
and swam in the deepest shallows
Currents around my neck
dragging me on and on and on
Submerged I shall be soon

I just want you to know this.

You may never truly know how deeply I cared for you as a person. I expressed my affection in ways that felt sincere to me, but it wasn’t enough nor aligned with what you really wanted. Your words made it clear that this relationship was not as real as I had hoped, and it never was.

You say you wish you had genuine connections, yet it seems you struggle to understand what that truly means. You’ll never know that everyday I woke up with you on my mind. I would always think how can I make your day better, or show you how special you were to me. I realized that I was mistaken to believe this was something more than what it was.

That said, I am at peace. I have a life filled with stability, support, and real love of friends and family. I have so many good things in my life to look forward to. I know I’ll be okay and I know I’ll find someone who will reciprocate the love I give. Even if I don’t it’s still better than whatever this was.

In contrast, I know the reality of your life and it is full of loneliness, sadness, and uncertainty.

In truth, we will both move on and forget each other, but for different reasons. I will let go because you have shown this was never a real relationship, and you are undeserving of my love and affection. You won’t have to worry about any selfishness from me again.

As for you, you will likely forget me amidst the many faces that come and go in your life. I fear you will never know love or experience true friendship, and deep down, you know it too.

Goodbye

False hope, the killer of men
Sought by many that seek an end
Those that remember yesterday
think its the only way
And those that think tomorrow
Will be full of sorrow
It doesn't end the pain
It just makes another feel the same


The suns hard to see
When there's so many clouds
And you might not agree
When that voice is so loud

​
But it never rains forever

In the end, all I am is a memory
so I wonder who will remember me
will I grow old and have a legacy
or will I die young and be erased from history

will I change the world for good
will any of my actions ever be understood
will I fade into obscurity
will anything I ever do matter in eternity

I’m no nihilist but what if this means nothing
does it really matter what day is my ending
if I die when I’m not ready does that really matter
and if I live without a soulmate is that really a disaster

nothing matters but I can still cry
life is pointless but I don’t want to die
I will never mean anything but I can still try

to wish for love and happiness seems so pointless
but nevertheless
I will always believe there's hope in all of this mess.

He can think clearly now that there's no pain in his head
Used to think that he’d just be better off dead
Wrote his own eulogy and this is how it read
There was a lonely boy hoping someday that he might find
A way to close this void and find some peace of mind
He loved his family and friends but could not love himself
He asked all the right questions but could not ask for help
He used to cry and pray to a God he didn’t believe in
And in some ****** up way
He thought it’d be okay
And no one would notice him leaving
He didn’t know what else to do
He clutched for straws and knew he was through
His time had come, it will be done
He was not proud of what he’d become
He closed his eyes
Reached to the skies
His body shook
His voice began to rise
He was finally off the hook
He took one last look
As tears streamed down from his eyes
And on that night
His end in sight
He prepared his final goodbyes
And as we fade to black
He must admit He could not write an end to this
For that lonely boy grew to be a man
He took a chance on himself
Put his fears high on a shelf
He thought it was over, but didn’t know that his story had just begun
For what you did not see
When you were trapped alone at sea
Is that this lonely boy is me
And I was hoping someday that I might find
A way to close this void and find some peace of mind
I loved my family and friends but I could not love myself
I asked all the right questions but I could not ask for help
But in the end, I finally know
You must take your life nice and slow
Turn your hate to love
Close your eyes and reach above
The storm will pass
Even though your boat might shake
Look through the glass
And do not fear the break
Last but not very least
Love yourself until the end
Figure out how you want to spend
Your time alive, since your time here is leased
And once you know
Your book will close
I guarantee you will be free
To write the ending for yourself.

I wonder what it’s like to not be me
To not feel like me
To not think like me
To be unrestrained of these horrid broods
These broods that confine who I am
These broods that make me feel
Like a glitch in the matrix
Questioning every moment
Questioning every movement
From a blink of an eye
To a twitch of the mouth
To the color of clothes
And the words from your mouth
Finding meaning in everything
I want it to be gone
I want to be free
Of these horrid thoughts
Just to be free
Of being me

I am still heavily in love with you. I have tried with every fiber of my being to move on and to let go, but you are still everything to me. You are my vessel. You have crawled inside my ribcage and made a home within me. My heart doesn’t beat the same without you. I'm in so much pain. Everything reminds me of you much more than it did when we were in a relationship. I miss you so much. I don't have the energy to talk with anyone else. I want you. I need you. Only you. I don't think I'll be able to find anyone else even if they're better in some way. I've looked at your photos these few days more than I ever have before. You're so beautiful. I can't stop smiling when I look at you and I feel like annoying you and teasing you. All I want is to be with you, to touch you, to feel you, to hug you tight, to see you smile, to just be happy together. I don't know how long I can survive without you like this. I can't live without you.

In a room full of every person I've ever talked to, None would choose me, it's painfully true. Faces familiar, voices once near, Yet I remain unnoticed, lost in their cheer.

Each conversation, a fleeting exchange, But deeper connections, they always estrange. Among the crowd, I stand alone, Invisible, unheard, my heart a stone.

Words spoken, promises made, But in the end, I'm left in the shade. Friendships falter, love fades away, Leaving me wandering, lost in dismay.

Memories echo, whispers of the past, But they're fleeting, they never last. In this room of ghosts, I linger unseen, Yearning for acceptance, in a world so keen.

In a room full of every person I've ever talked to, None would choose me, a fate I can't undo. Yet I would not blame them, for if it was on me, Even I myself would never choose me.

Yes, I'm mad. I'm heartbroken. I'm hurt. But I hope you know that it's okay.

I don't want to minimize what you've done, and the hurt you've caused me, but I hope you know that it's okay. No excuses. No justification. But I get it. As poorly as you've handled things, you never intended to hurt me, or at least I'd like to think not.

I hope you're eating well, sleeping well. I hope you haven't shut yourself off from people. I hope you’re not sad or lonely, and that someone is there for you when I’m not. I hope you're not killing yourself with the regret. I hope you're doing okay.

If you're wondering why I'm not reaching out, it's not because I hate you or don’t want to talk to you (in fact, it’s the opposite). It’s because I need the space to heal and the self respect to walk away from one-sided relationships, and stop hurting myself trying to force or fix issues that aren't mine to fix.

If the guilt or heartbreak is eating you up, please know that I don't want you to do that. What's done is done. You have nothing to grovel for anymore. I just hope you don't do it again, to anyone.

C'mon, you really think I can hate you? After everything? I love you too much to stay angry with you. I still love you, actually. I know you might not be too sure about that, because we haven't spoken in a while. But I do. Regardless of what happens.

If by some chance you ever want to reach out again, I hope you know that I'll be here to talk… one day. I'm open to fixing things eventually.

Again, I hope you're doing well, love. Take care.

sometimes it's hard to tell I'm alive
the plants holding me back
sometimes it's hard to tell if I survived
everything out of whack
the plague might take me
and the rats might eat me
the sun might scorch me
and the dirt might swallow me
everybody's doing their own work
but it's hard to even do mine
is this how you sort
my ethic doesn't exactly shine
I thought that I was dreaming
when the storm was coming
but it doesn't make it redeeming
I guess ill keep on running
sometimes it's hard to tell I'm alive

I find myself staring at my phone more often than I care to admit, waiting for a notification that you’ve thought of me, even if just for a moment. It's funny how something as simple as a text can mean so much. Every vibration, every chime—I still hope it’s you.

I know we couldn't be together the way we wanted. Life, circumstances, and everything in between made it impossible, but that doesn’t change the fact that I still want you. Not just in the fleeting moments when I’m alone and missing you, but always. I think about the way you smile when you're nervous, the sound of your voice when you say my name, and how everything just felt right, even when nothing was.

Even though we’re apart, I can’t help but hold on to the idea of you. I wish things could be different. I wish there was a world where we didn't have to think about anyone else, where your smile wasn’t something I only got to imagine. But for now, I’ll wait. I’ll wait for those texts that remind me we’re still connected in some small way, even if we can't be together.

No matter where life takes us, know that I’ll always be here, hoping, waiting, and cherishing every little piece of you that you choose to share. And even if that time never comes, I’ll always carry the memory of what we had and what could have been.

I wonder what it’s like to not be me
To not feel like me
To not think like me
To be unrestrained of these horrid broods
These broods that confine who I am
These broods that make me feel
Like a glitch in the matrix
Questioning every moment
Questioning every movement
From a blink of an eye
To a twitch of the mouth
To the color of clothes
And the words from your mouth
Finding meaning in everything
I want it to be gone
I want to be free
Of these horrid thoughts
Just to be free
Of being me

And I hate this. I hate all of it. I could never hate you.

I'm the one that left in the end, but you left me first.

I look for signs every single day.

Ultimately, you've moved on.

You were my soulmate, but I wasn't yours.

It's been so long. And they say time heals all wounds. Why does it hurt more every day? The seconds feels like minutes, and the minutes feel like hours.

We both did ****** things.

But I've been as good as dead since the day I last saw you.

I hate everyone, and everything, that isn't you. It's always been that way. You took down some heavy walls, and I built stronger ones when you left. I don't want anyone to know me, ever again. I'm just counting down my days.

I'm sorry.

It's going to be fine.

Stay strong, eat well and keep working out.

Keep loving those who love you.

You may feel like you're falling apart, but you're a phoenix that rises from the ashes and flies higher than ever.

Don't give up. Keep yourself going. You can do this.

It's not easy, but good things don't come easy. They never do. That's what is so satisfying about them.

Keep fighting and everything will work out.

Just don't give up.

I didn’t fall in love with you because I was lonely,
Or because I was searching for something to fill a void.
I didn’t fall in love with you because I needed saving,
Or because I thought I couldn’t be happy without you.
No, I fell in love with you because you opened my eyes to a world I hadn’t known.
You became a window, and through that window, I saw colors I had never imagined,
You brought me a love that felt like sunlight after a long winter.
I fell in love with you simply because you were
Because you appeared when the universe decided the time was right,
And in that moment, you seized my attention like a melody I never wanted to stop hearing.
It’s as if my heart knew you would be the one to teach it to beat in new rhythms,
To show me feelings I never thought were possible,
And open my soul to warmth I had never known.

I fell in love with you because it felt like coming home.
It was effortless, like the way the moon tugs at the tide,
Or how a bird knows the way back to its nest, even from miles away.
In your presence, I want to be better,
In your absence, I find myself searching for ways to grow.
In your words, I hear truths I never dared to speak aloud,
In your silence, I find the ache in your voice, like a song left unsung in the quiet

I fell in love with you for the simplest, most profound reason
Because with you, everything just fits.
It feels right, in a way I can’t fully explain,
But I know with every beat of my heart, it’s exactly how I’m meant to feel.

I'm in a room full of people, and not one of them is you. You are the only person I can think about. How are you? Have you eaten? Did you sleep?

I'm here to admit that you gave me peace. The night we met changed my life forever. The moment I looked into your eyes was the day I realized I wanted you in my life. You gave me the love and company no one ever seemed to give me. I was the type to never let someone see right through me, until you. You were the only person to get a chance to meet the real me. Thank you for never once judging me and accepting me for who I am. I've never felt alone when I was with you. Watching you go has been the hardest thing to feel. I'm lost without you. I hope that in the next life, we'll be together forever. Just for now, I'll be staring at the moon in hopes you're looking right at me too. You look so beautiful amongst the stars.

I love you.

​

I can recognize these words anywhere as if they're my own. I miss you, so much. It hits me randomly and took my breath away. And in those moments, I just want to abandon everything and go to you, consequences be ******.

You've loved me when I couldn't face myself. I loved you, still love you, and will love you even when you don't like yourself. I think I've loved you forever, the knot in my stomach told me so.

I have to believe you feel the same for me. Were we ever anything but each other's reflection? I know we're more than that, but lately this thought plagued my mind.

I've been moving through the motions missing parts of me. It's like, I'm smiling and living but it doesn't feel right-- incomplete. And I know where those missing parts lay.

I don't want to lose myself for you nor do I want that for you. That's not love. But I do want to jump into the deep end and swim to shore with you.

You are worth it, so take my hand. Even if you're scared, just take my hand anyway. I love you, I love us, I miss us. So look at me, hold my gaze and don't walk away. I haven't left, just learning and healing. I want to come home. So let me, let us go home.

I was a man with hollow eyes,
Reaching for light but buried inside,
You held me close, warm in your glow,
But how could I give what I didn’t know?

You saw the good, I saw the gray,
You called me love, I turned away,
Afraid to show the scars I keep,
Afraid that love was more than deep.

You made me feel, if only brief,
That I could be more, find some relief.
In your arms, the shadows stilled,
But alone they grew, unfilled.

How can I love you, when I don’t even try
To love the man who hides behind my eyes?
When all I feel is lost and wrong,
When all I breathe is shadowed song?

You loved a shell, a fragile thing,
A heart too broken to let you in.
Now I sit alone, torn and blue—
How could I love you, when I don’t know how to love me too?

These words are not enough.

The way that I miss you tears a hole in me. It feels like an entire section of my existence is gone. I feel an infinite sadness with your absence.

I can say over and over again that I miss you but it doesn't begin to cover the gist of it.

I spiral. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder if you think about me. I wonder if you want me there. I wonder if I creep into your thoughts throughout the day. I go down this rabbit hole repeatedly.

Do you miss me?

I miss you so much it hurts. I feel alone. I can't get out of this spiral. I don't miss the thought of you. I don't miss the idea of you. I don't miss my interpretation of you.

I miss YOU.

When the night whispers soft as a sigh,
And the stars forget their shine,
I’ll build a home beneath the sky,
A shelter made of time.

For weary hearts, for restless souls,
I’ll carve a place of stone,
Where silence speaks, and shadows hold,
A rest for those alone.

The walls will hum with gentle breaths,
Of laughter, love, and grace,
And when you tire of life and death,
I’ll give you space to break.

No judgment here, no cruel decree,
Just echoes of the sea,
A place where burdens cease to be
Come lay your weight on me.

I see you in everything.

Today I saw something that reminded me of you, it was so specific. I wanted to buy it and give it you, but I can’t.

My heart is breaking, I miss you so much. I thought that by blocking you I would be able to move forward more easily. I thought I would be able to heal my heart and find clarity.

Instead, I find you in the open spaces, I hear you in the silence.

I’m aching. You probably think I hate you, but I don’t. I miss you so much. I don’t know what to do