Deep in the screws of his lonely keep,
Waiting for word of a land promised,
Sentinel man watches across the sea
Never knowing faith was so dishonest.
Across the sea of doom lies his joy,
What awe, so spindrift were his days
And what lay behind was no corridor
And all his dreaming has left no ways
Forward, but to sink with hapless sorrow
And flowing to the thirsty ocean seas,
He pours another drink, toasts tomorrow
And all the empty horizons of history.
Spiraling down he leaves his diggs,
Praying, death be not a doornail's rig.

This is a list of the times I allowed myself to collapse.
These are the reasons I tried to drown myself in a bathtub filled with thick crimson and cheap liquor.
This is my final suicide note.

1. Today in science class my teacher brought out the human skeleton and I wished it was me.
2. I've never drank whiskey, but when my blood turns to Bourbon, I need to open the bottle.
3. I cannot count the times I've created spines on the mirror. I need to kiss the white lines.
4. The cats are meowing, they're hungry. I am so focused on not feeding myself that I have forgotten to feed them.
5. I'm a lot like cigarettes. I light easily. Burn out quickly. Focused on destroying you-always destroying myself.
6. I've got poison in my veins-I unzip myself daily. When I kissed you- I infected you. We have poison in our veins. Addicted to destroying ourselves. The Devil will watch and be envious.
7. I am 17. I have attempted suicide too many times to count. Every time in a different way.
          a. cliche; slit my wrist open and let flowers spill.
          b. drowned myself in a handful of pills and a bottle of *****.
          c. hung myself with my bedsheet.
          d. decayed my stomach lining with bleach
          e. starved the ugly out of me-let my bony knuckles callus.  
This time I am going to fling myself from a building, call my friends, and hope they'll catch me.

Because I never truly wanted to die.
I want to be saved from myself. I want someone to zip me back up. I want to look at the sun and not think about burning. I want to be able to sit in a bathtub with clear water. I want to eat a candy bar, and not taste it twice. I want someone to look at me and see flowers-not blades.
I wish I had green thread to sew my veins back together. I wish I had a syringe, i'd **** the poison from my blood. I wish I knew what love felt like, maybe I could perfect the practice.

This is not a poem.
This is not written with the intent to explain myself because I don't know myself well enough to explain.
This is a suicide note.
This is my last suicide note.

Hey, Leon
Let's go outside and play\
No, Ramon
It's too cold outside
We'll freeze\
Don't worry, Leon
I've got my ice pick!
:)

r  7Jan14

I'm sick of the disappointment that sets in when I realize you're over it.
Over me.
I don't care how long ago it was. Can you really look at me and not feel anything?
Guilt? Regret? Even the tiniest bit of want?
Because when I see you
I miss it.
The late night texts. The hour-long phone calls. The daily 'I love you's'
Can you really tell me that you've forgotten those feelings? Or don't at least think about it when you see me, passing by?
I don't know whether to find that hurtful or impressive. Because when I see your smile,
I think of years ago; hair curly, ear pierced. When we went to that cafe and you wore your red shirt because you knew it was my favorite.
How you gave me your hat and I took it off, embarassed and blushing.
I've realized that day is over. A mere wave in the endless ocean of time.
I need to learn how to swim so that one wave does not consume me.

To exhale
Compresses the chest
And in its place
Some chilblains,
Disgust for its being,
An annihilation
A ferocious hunger for itself,
Like the ouroboros
In every breath
Tempted by a life
For the moment gone.
To inhale
Invites it back,
A dispassionate process, no less.
The life thus stolen away
Impotent to the next breath
That I must exhale.
On this breath there comes a fear
A longing or
The urge
To lift my hands to my throat
And keep the life in my lungs
To quit exhaling
And never feel that way again.

How does one sleep?
Because apparently I dont know how.
I lie here awake,
Thinking,
And day dreaming,
About everything.
Never letting my brain shut down,
And get what it desperately needs,
Rest.

He takes me down
And brushes the dust
Thats collected on my limbs.

He puts me on his arm
And smiles at all these faces ,
I grin and bare it .

They Oo and they Ah at how lovely
It all seems ,
It crosses my mind
That i cant fool everyone .

Silent ride home ,
Seems like 20 million paces
From the car to the house.

Wash my face ,
Trying to rid the day,
Light off.. Back up on the shelf.