delilah: Poems

99 · Feb 2022

2/25/22

delilah Feb 2022

2/25/22

i hate when i start doing well again
when i manage to get out of bed again
manage to go to class again
when i start eating more than one tiny meal again
start going to the gym again
when it gets easier to pull myself out the shower again
easier to say no again
i hate when i start doing well again
because i catch myself falling for it time and time again
catch myself believing i’m not just doing better
but that i am better
and that i can finally stay better

97 · Jun 2021

choo choo

delilah Jun 2021

choo choo

~
sometimes it feels like i can't catch a train in my own thoughts
~

95 · Jul 2020

*-*-*

delilah Jul 2020

*-*-*

if you are an honest man,
then why do you only speak sweetly to me
when cloaked by the night-time air,
dim street lights,
and my sleep deprived state of mind?

89 · Mar 2020

*~*

delilah Mar 2020

*~*

you always were my favorite way to self-destruct

88 · Mar 2020

was it an accident or did i give up?

delilah Mar 2020

was it an accident or did i give up?

did i fall or throw myself into the abyss?
did i **** myself or finally become a hurricane?
a beautiful storm catapulting toward the main land
destroying everything in my path
including the cement
and finally fizzling out
fizzling out like a firework
loud and eye-catching
catching the eyes of passers-by
and camera lens
before my foot goes over the edge
i ask myself
would my dad think it was an accident?
would my mother?
or brothers
or sister
or friends
would they think it was an accident?
or would they know
would they know i've been struggling to stay afloat
would they love my shattered corpse
or memories of what i was before the storm began to form

81 · Mar 2020

so i had a shitty night

delilah Mar 2020

so i had a ****** night

i don't know why that night was so ****
i don't know why that was the night i couldn't handle things
i don't know why it felt like the world was crumbling down on me
i don't know why i let myself **** up
i ****** up progress
i flushed 3 years without self-harm down the drain
and then things kept spiraling
my best-friends were at a party
and i was walking around campus alone
and i was more scared of what i'd do to myself than what strangers could
so asked a friend to just keep me from being alone
i asked him because i expected nothing from him
and his judgement meant nothing
so he wouldn't disappoint me
and i couldn't disappoint him
and he may be a bad person like my best friends say
but he was what i needed that night
and they're never gonna understand what that really means
they can't comprehend that it wasn't a matter of seeking comfort elsewhere
it was a matter of survival
and to make it through that i night i couldn't handle anyone caring too much

march 7, 2020 was a ****** night
and this has been a ****** week
but i'm trying still

81 · Apr 2020

tarot

delilah Apr 2020

tarot

i've recently rediscovered my love for tarot
and so of course i've read a fortune or two
your's was most intriguing
or rather most disappointing
because you asked for a reading on your love life
and for a brief moment
i thought this was it
this was the sign the cards failed to give me
this was you letting me know
in a subtle and sweet way
that you wanted to see what the cards had to say about
y o u & i
but as i laid card by card
and you spoke more and more
i felt a weight on my chest
a queasy feeling in my gut
and a stinging in my eyes
because there was no
y o u & i
to know more about
instead the story of
you&her
unraveled in the cards before me
and spilled from each sugar dipped word that fell from your mouth

80 · Feb 2021

thanks dad

delilah Feb 2021

thanks dad

my father taught me love is conditional
that you can stop loving the people you promised the world to
that you can pack away their things as though they never occupied your heart
that you can go through the daily motion without thinking of them
that you can fill their seat at the dinner table with someone else
that you can carry on with the holidays as though no one is missing
that you can give up

my father taught me you can say i love you & goodbye without missing a beat

i haven't had dinner with brother in months
he's not dead
but he might as well be to my dad

80 · Apr 2020

nothing&everything

delilah Apr 2020

nothing&everything

waking up every morning i feel like nothing
going to bed every night i feel like nothing
every hour in between
no matter how many or how few
i feel like nothing
i feel like even at the very core of my being
i am nothing
that where my heart should be beating warmth
there is nothing
nothing but an empty chill
a nothingness that spreads to every fibre of my being
and to the entire fabric of my existence
but
when i got to be with you
it was easy and enticing
to
feel
like
e v e r y t h i n g
Y O U
made me feel like i was everything
t o y o u
like i was the sun you opened your eyes to
like i was the stars you searched for yourself in
like i was every breath you took in between the two
when i was with you
and only then
did i feel like maybe
just maybe
i could be everything

78 · Jul 2020

there's a difference

delilah Jul 2020

there's a difference

i love the way rain falls
&
you love the way it crashes

and i feel like somewhere between those lines there's a conclusion i'm meant to draw
maybe one where they simply explain why loving each isn't necessarily enough
especially when we don't love each other in the same way
especially when i'm beginning to wonder
wonder if maybe you only love when i'm at my lowest
if maybe i only love you when there's still time to pretend
pretend that maybe you won't stop falling
that you won't join me crashed out on the cement
that maybe this time is different

74 · Nov 2020

i never liked you

delilah Nov 2020

i never liked you

you always manage to make an appearance when i'm at my lowest
offering me a chance to abandon my real troubles
you may think i was so desperately in love with you
but i made a papier-mâché heart for you to tear apart
i willingly handed you a knife to tear into the layers
i gladly bared my chest so you wouldn't miss
i smiled with tear stained cheeks as you
time & time again
pierced me with declarations of love

i never loved you
i never even liked you
i just liked to way you knew just how to hurt me
when i couldn't bring myself to do it

70 · Oct 2020

rise & fall

delilah Oct 2020

rise & fall

i am living for the sun and moon
and all the other things that will continue to rise and fall
when i can no longer fall from swings in empty parks
or raise my arms to race down makeshift slides
or fall on the track chasing around cats
or raise my voice to meet yours
or fall into fits of laughter
or raise my head to the stars
when i can no longer get out of bed
when i can't fall any further
the sun will still rise and fall
with the moon close behind
and so i'll live for the all things that will continue
when i no longer can

10-28-20

69 · Aug 2020

to (really) moving on

delilah Aug 2020

to (really) moving on

i don't miss you
i don't want you in my life
or near it
i know better now
i know i deserve better now
because i don't deserve being treated like a ***** secret
like a toy that makes you feel like a man
i know what we had wasn't real love
it wasn't even second best
it was two broken people desperate to feel anything
broken people breaking more in each other's arms
i know it's time for me to really move on
because simply not texting you isn't moving on
it's time to evict you from my head & heart
it's time to really heal
because apathy isn't healing
it's time to learn to love
with someone worth loving

16 · 3d

10/14/2024

delilah 3d

10/14/2024

i don’t know how to feel a little
i only know too much
sometimes that’s a good thing
sometimes i love you so much i don’t need to breath
but other times i’m so angry i could drown in it
so sad i might be consumed by it
so much i might push you beyond my reach

i wish i wasn’t so much

— The End —