This story
Is not just mine
To tell
It’s a kaleidoscope
Of colors
And words
That not even
Time
Could write

I use words
Because my thoughts
Are too abstract

I don’t rhyme
Because my head
Is too full of ****

I amble on
Because my feelings
Can’t be defined

I lie alone
Because my spirit
Won’t be  broken

Stupid girl
Stop trying
To be
What you aren’t

Stupid girl
Stop believing
You are
Good enough

Stupid girl
Stop pretending
It matters
That you exist

Stupid girl
Stop wanting
All the things
You’ll never get

No one
Will put me on a pedestal
And buy me a tiara

No one
Will watch the eclipse
And tell me that they’re falling

No one
Will love me for me
And  make  me think I’m enough

No one
Will make me believe
That the past is the past

No one
Will convince me
That I’m what they’ve been waiting for

No one
Will make me trust
That their words are the truth

No one
Will gain my trust
And make me believe

No one
Will stop out of the blue
And leave me alone

I’m broken
This girl
You see
All put together

I’m lost
This girl
You see
Wondering paths

I’m tired
This girl
You see
Traversing oaths

I’m ok
This girl
You see
All put together

My words
Mean nothing
Ramblings
Of the broken

My thoughts
Are nonsense
wandering  
Of the lost

My feelings
Are silly
Inappropriate
Of the needy

My response
Not required
Unsolicited
Of the unwanted

I am
That girl
Pathetic and alone
Texting
In a wine induced haze
Hoping for a response
Desperate
For something
I can’t describe
Wondering
If life will ever be
what I dreamed
Knowing
Good and well
There’s no happy ever after

Tonight
I hate you

Tonight
There are others

Tonight
They want me

Tonight
I will succumb

Tonight
Someone other

Tonight
You don’t matter

We are in a place
That can’t be named
For our past
Might define us

We were lovers
From the start
Needy souls
Who wanted to feel

We became friends
Who walked
Hand in hand
Thru the rocks

We went our ways
Suffered silently
With understanding
That life moves on

Now we are
In a time
That’s undefined
But feels so right

You left
In an array
Of words
That penetrated
My skin
Like bullets
Leaving wounds
In my soul

So, I’ve this heart
That’s too big
And accommodating
It welcomes all

It’s the most beautiful
Tragic thing
You will ever
Encounter

It loves unconditionally
And uncontrollably
To all that dare
Cross it’s path

It’s broken
And misshapen
But so full
It’s busts at the seams

It has no boundaries
And no limits
It’s yours for
The asking

You can take
What you want
And leave what
You can

In the end
I’ll find peace
Even if only
Ashes remain.

Maybe I needed you
In this moment
In this time

Maybe I longed for you
With your words
In this time

Maybe I wanted you
With your touch
In this time

Maybe I’m ok without you
In this day
In this time

I want to tear it
All down
And get a
Do over

I want to rage
Against it all
And know
It’s ok

I want to cry
Until I can’t
And feel
New again

I want to be
Still in the moment
And breathe
Again

Tonight
There will be
Too much wine
As I wonder
How I became
This girl

Tonight
There will be
Too many tears
As I reflect
How this happened
To me

Tonight
There will be
Too much pain
As I cry
Over this sadness
I feel

Tonight
There will be release
Too much emotion
As I cut
And release the pain
To set me free

You don’t know
My pain
The scrape
Of the needle
Across my skin

You don’t know
My existence
The facade
Of emotion
Killing my soul

You don’t know
My heart
The beating
Of life
Begging for more

I’ll dance in the rain
For a chance at forgiveness
To let it wash away
All my wrongs

I’ll kneel at the cross
In hopes of redemption
To cleanse my soul
Of all my sons

I’ll face the fire
To please whoever
To free my mind
Of all these thoughts

I’ll shed my blood
For saving grace
To make right
All the wrong I’ve done

When we were 17
You didn’t notice me

When we were 17
You were awkward

When we were 17
I was chubby

When we were 17
We worked together

When we were 50
You found me

When we were 50
You put me on a pedestal

When we were 50
You fell in love with me

When we were 50
You were my best friend

When we were 50
You broke my heart

When we were 50
You moved on

When we were 50
I still felt 17

Wednesday’s child
Destined for woe
It’s the only life
You’ll ever know

Your fate was sealed
The day you were born
Sad or sadder
You are always torn

You weep when happy
And cry when sad
You tears flow freely
Even when your mad

You wear your heart
Out on your sleeve
You give all you have
And they still leave

Your alone in the world
You know your role
Escape with minimal damage
That’s your goal

I hate how
You rush over me
With your heaviness
That I can’t resist

I hate how
You swallow me
In your blanket
That comforts me

I hate how
You linger inside me
With your promises
That make me hope

I can’t do this
All the roles
The provider
The worker
The care giver
The teacher
The cook
The cleaner
The support
The disciplinarian
The shoulder
The comedic relief

But I’ll do it
Because I’m the mom

You flow through life
Untethered to anyone
But longing
For roots

You blame everyone
Innocent to your faults
Yet hoping
For kinship

You deny those
Showing you emotion
Then blaming them
For loneliness

You are unsettled
Mad against the world
So angry
At yourself.

I am alone
For the first time
In along time
There’s no one but me

I am scared
For thoughts run rampant
In this space
There’s no one but me

I am weak
For surrender brings peace
In this moment
There’s no one but me

I am searching
For shards of hope
In this life
There’s no one but me

I am ok
For strength unknown
Inside my being
There’s no one but me

This loss
Is not
Your gain

This failure
Is not
Your win

This bump
Is not
Your path

This mess
Is not
Your win

Alone
In bed
The thoughts
Roam
From good
To bad
Should I
Or no
I just need
To let go
The right hand
Ready
Good to go
She knows
The spots
No need
To show
Dead
To center
She’s got me
Oh!

I’m that girl
That won’t let go
Hanging on tight
Until the goodbye

I’m that girl
That won’t believe
I’m not that one
Until you say those words

I’m that girl
That will love you still
Through a broken heart
Until the rest of my life

It’s off
The feeling
The day
The time

It’s wrong
The moment
The space
The air

It’s weird
The groove
The vibe
The aura

It’s me
The one
The girl
The stranger

Your scent
Lingers
On my skin

My lips
Raw
From your need

My body
Spent
With satisfaction

My soul
Wondering
What this means

My heart
Oblivious
Because I know better

You don’t know
My pain
You don’t understand
My choices
You don’t get
My reasoning
You don’t realize
My past
You don’t accept
My ways
You don’t fit
My path

I’ve no defense
For your plays
I succumb
Every time
To
Your call

I’ve no strength
For your advances
I give in
Every time
To
Your need

I’ve no choice
For your requests
I desire
Every time
To
Your pleasure

I’ve no regret
For  your  satisfaction
I receive
Every time
To  
My existence

Rain already!
Let it go
Stop holding back
The inevitable
I’m waiting
Palms ups
To feel you
To be engulfed
Cleansed
Of the sins
I never committed

We write about it
Over and over
Again

We wallow in it
Until it settles beneath
Our skin

We cast hope
On superstitious
Falling stars

We defeat ourselves
On happy endings
That will never come








Our skin

I’m done
I’ve nothing
Left to give

I’m out
I’m empty
Out of space

I’m finished
I’m complete
I’m numb

From the scars
On my thighs
To the thoughts
And the sighs
To the nights
That I’ve cried
To the people
That I’ve lied
To the smile
I’ve perfected
My secret shield
I’m always protected
To my wish
For the end
A silent plea
That I send
To the pain
That I hold
To a life
Never told
To the reader
Of theses words
Please know
Your voice has been heard

I’m prickly
The hairs on end
The senses alerted

I’m present
The bases loaded
The blade ready

I’m *******
The ending is known
The cut waiting

I’m released
The pain a savior
The scar a reminder

Things turned
And you left
A stupid letter
Of empty excuses

Months of chats
And shared desires
Meant nothing
In your exit

Shattered dreams
And loneliness
My consolation
Of loving you

I have no flow
I’m either
A babbling brook
Or full on tsunami

I lost the rhythm
I’m either
Stiff as a board
Or a gyrating mess

I hold out hope
I’m either
Filled with belief
Or running on empty

I long for answers
I’m either
Head in the clouds
Or relentless in my quest

I’m me
I’m either
Perfectly imperfect
Or flawed flawlessly

I want
To feel
Permanent
As if
My time
Mattered
To someone
Or something
Greater
Than me
I need this
Longevity
Be it physical
Part emotional
Maybe chemical
Possibly spiritual
I’m not choosy
Just a legacy
Of me

This fire
Rages inside me

It is placated
But not satisfied

It is captive
But not contained

It is strong
But not unbeatable

It’s is wild
But not untamed

It is fierce
But not unkind

It is guarded
But not blocked

This fire
Inside me

Saddest girl
Brown eyes
Brimming
With tears
Unshed

Silliest fool
Heart in hand
Overflowing
With love
Unrequited

Lovliest spirit
Soul open
Praying
With hopes
Uninterrupted

You know
What you need to do
The time has come
Please don’t be afraid

You know
What the cliches say
Life is short
You should be happy

You know
What the past has been
Can you continue
To live that way

You know
The first step is so hard
Leap in faith
This life is yours

I’m the girl
You call
For a good time
I’ll never meet your mom

I’m the one
You tell your secret
In the dark night
I’ll never know your light

I’m the piece
You use to satisfy
Your lonely night
I’ll never be more

I’m the one
You will never leave
Because your afraid
I’m the one who knows

Over my head
Drowning
Swimming against
The tide

Out of my league
Schooled
Learning too slow
To keep up

Chasing my tail
Chastised
Raising my game
Trying to survive

Breathing deep
Realization
Giving my best
But it isn’t enough

I’m mess
Needn’t tell you
I’m pretty sure
You know

My heart
Is broken
No matter
Your kindness

I can’t
Love anyone
I’m tapped out
You see

Just a shell
All that’s left
Of the girl
I used to be

I miss you
Tonight
When the moon
Is waning
When my heart
Is empty
When my being
Is aching
When the earth
Orbits the moon
And you
Are far away
Such foolishness
I’ll be done
With the sunrise
A new beginning
My soul soothed
And the promise
Of a new day

You
I think

You
I can’t

You
I won’t

You
I might

You
I could

You
I will

I post a few pics
The ones
Where I’m pretty

You message
Hopeful
For reply

We banter
Back and forth
Nothing serious

Then we text
Words get deep
You wanna meet

I hesitate
I’m scared
A broken girl

You persist
I give in
Beyond nervous

I’ll be hopeful
The pieces
Can hold it together

Whose the fool
The one who follows
Or the one who runs?

Whose mislead
The one who accepts
Or the one who bucks?

Whose scared
The one who knows
Or the one who hopes?

Whose finished
The one who believes
Or the one who accepts?

We are over
Yet your there

You aren’t attracted
Yet your there

You don’t love me
Yet your there

We ran our course
Yet your there

I’ll ignore you
Yet your there

I don’t need you
Yet your there

I’m ok without you
Yet your there

I hardened my heart
Yet your there

I love another
Yet your there

I don’t know
I pretend I do
I act like I got this
As my knees knock
And my tummy turns

Fake it til you make it
That’s what I know
Slap a smile on
And cry in the dark

Put on a show
Bring out the dogs and ponies
Fall apart later
When you’re all alone

Big girls don’t cry
**** it up buttercup
You got this
Until you don’t.

I don’t know how
Without you
I guess I’ll learn

I feel lost
Without you
I guess I’ll find my way

I am alone
Without you
I guess I’ll be ok

I am good
Without you
I guess I’ll move on