It will be a day

   Of biting my lip
      Holding my breath
         Clearing my head
            Blocking the thoughts
               Denying the feelings

                               To stop the tears.

a drift
on my own
maybe no port exists
to dock my vessel
there is no safe harbor
to calm my tempest
i'll find no dry land
to find my footing
how will I survive?
then I recall
there is an anchor
to hold me still
i have a compass
to point me home
my faith is strong
to get me through
calm waters
crashing waves
ill find my way

I’m broken
This girl
You see
All put together

I’m lost
This girl
You see
Wondering paths

I’m tired
This girl
You see
Traversing oaths

I’m ok
This girl
You see
All put together

I need you
To want me
Embrace the crazy
And all that I am

I need you
To know me
Love the broken
And all I am

I need you
To desire me
Appreciate the flaws
And all that I am

I need you
To accept me
Desire the girl
And all that I am

I loved you
Long ago
When stars mattered
And dreams were real

I believed in you
Sweet words
When hope lived
And possibility existed

I needed us
Perfect story
When it seemed impossible
And yet came true

I realize truth
Sad endings
Happen too
And yet I don’t give up

I want to
Write
About
Happiness
And sunshine
And tranquility
And what
That means
But my
Experience
Is limited
And
My thoughts
Have no idea
And
My feelings
Are scattered

So I have
Nothing
But words
That don’t rhyme
And random
Moments to ponder
As I watch
This life
Go marching by

Tonight
The needle
Across
My skin
Deep enough
To hurt
But not leave
A scar
Your name
Lingered
On my lips
As the edge
Tore thru
My flesh
Tomorrow
It will
Be better
Until
I remember
You don’t
Love me
Anymore

No one will
Find me
Beneath
The destruction
Of my life
There’s no light
To guide them
To the crevice
That was once
A beating heart
No micro chip
No google map
To the ruins
I’ve become
Just a space
Lost in time
Wondering
What became
Of  her
Beating heart

I use words
Because my thoughts
Are too abstract

I don’t rhyme
Because my head
Is too full of ****

I amble on
Because my feelings
Can’t be defined

I lie alone
Because my spirit
Won’t be  broken

I thought
I knew love
Once upon
A time
A tall man
With dusty boots
And twang
Made of honey

He put
A crown
Upon my head
Dubbed me
Princess
In his mind
He took
Me into
His bed
Just for
A little time

Life turned
The tiara
Slipped
His shoulders
Slumped
And vinegar
Dripped off
His tongue

The only
Thing
That lasted
Were his
Dusty boots

A drag across the skin
Barely a mark
When the it takes place
But the release is golden
Like exhaling
After being underwater
A moment of euphoria
To feel so alive
Human again
Almost normal
The prickles succumb
Tomorrow
I’ll addrss the aftermath
I’ll clean it up
Maybe a bandaid
As I retreat
Back to me

I want to yell
At the universe
Can’t you see
How sad I am?

I want to scream
From a mountain
Can’t you see
How lost I am?

I want to cry
Beside your door
Can’t you see
How lonely I am?

I want to be ok
In my skin
Can’t you see
How hard I’m trying ?

Nothing
Says lonely female
Better than a
Cat

Nothing
Dismisses you
Better than
A cat

Nothing
Tolerates  you
Better than
A cat

Nothing
Loves you
Better than
A cat

I’m not
Your girl
We spend time
Talking
And between
The sheets
But we aren’t
A couple
Or a thing
We’re chill
Your word
Not mine
I’m ok
With it
It suits us
You fill
A void
That I
Can’t

Lovers
Inaccurate
Because they don’t
Love me
That is
More apt
To call
Them
attempters
As they sampled
And found
I wasn’t
To their liking
I’m not
Everyone’s
Cup of tea

The sharp point
Brings relief
I can’t explain
The release

The quick pain
Frees the hurt
I hold inside
Like poison

The afterward
Uncovers a calm
I crave
Despite the scar

I blame the cat
If anyone asks
He’s so rambunctious
His claws are sharp

I just moved
If anyone asks
The boxes were heavy
I lift with my legs

Who knows I say
If any one asks
I’m super clumsy
Always bumping into things

No worries
If anyone asks
They bring relief
Keep me off the ledge

Tonight
I hit the wall
Where reality
And loss collide
The sadness sinks in
Weighs heavy
On my being
I need to grieve
But I’m afraid
The finality
Of letting go
Means losing him
And I’m not going ready
To say goodbye

Tonight
I want to weep
To shake the walls
Maybe wake the dead
As I wail
The pain bubbles
To the surface
I’ll tremble
With release
And beg forgiveness
For uncommitted sins
Missing your shadow
And what
We might have been

The edge lingers
Sometimes
I peak over
Tempting fate
I haven’t
The strength
To gaze too long
I’m a coward
In disguise
I dance alone
In the darkness
But the beat
Won’t allow me
To coreograph
My own end

Tonight
The cutting
Will be deep

Release
So welcome
Instead of pain

Feeling
The passage
Letting go

Tomorrow
The wound
Won’t even matter

I’m your night
No commitment
Required
Your breath
Buzzes heavy
In my ear

I’m your center
No permission
Needed
Your hands
Roam freely
Over my body

I’m your moment
No restraint
Asked
Your body
Rises against
My very being

I’m your memory
No recollection
Called to mind
Comforts fully
This broken girl

I told him
No more
The texting
Hurt too much

He moved on
But kept
A grip
On my heart

I’m letting go
Piece by piece
Tear after tear
Day by day

Tonight
I’m on the edge
It glistens
Beckoning me
To join

I see
The darkness
With its shimmer
Telling me it’s ok

The blade
Is sharp
Full of promises
Of peace

I’m wise
To the beckoning
As sleep rushes
Over the pain.

Don’t we all want to rage
Against brutality
Against injustice
Against intolerance
Against indifference

If it doesn’t affect you
Why do you care?

Because our fellow beings
Are being killed
Are being prosecuted
Are being denied
Are being tortured

What do you do?
For a cause you aren’t affected?

I rise up
I make my voice heard
I stand beside the oppressed
I bring awareness
I harbor hope

I’m here
For anyone suffering injustice

I’m standing
I’ll be your champion.
I’ll be your believer
I’ll tout your cause
I know you Matter

I miss us
But I’m clear
Enough to know
We were temporary

I loved you
But I’m wise
Enough to know
We were fleeting

I desire you
But I’m strong
Enough to know
We were over

I mourn you
But I’m ok
Enough to know
We weren’t meant to be

I’ve no defense
For your plays
I succumb
Every time
To
Your call

I’ve no strength
For your advances
I give in
Every time
To
Your need

I’ve no choice
For your requests
I desire
Every time
To
Your pleasure

I’ve no regret
For  your  satisfaction
I receive
Every time
To  
My existence

Over my head
Drowning
Swimming against
The tide

Out of my league
Schooled
Learning too slow
To keep up

Chasing my tail
Chastised
Raising my game
Trying to survive

Breathing deep
Realization
Giving my best
But it isn’t enough

*******
I’m angry
I hate you
In the moment

*******
I don’t care
I despise you
In the now

*******  
I’m over it
I won’t love you
In this life

I looked at photos
Reminisced
Like a needle
Across my skin

How do I hate
And love
This much
In one breath

You linger
On my mind
As you dwell
In my heart

Your existence
Tears me apart
As I pray
For your well being

I try to run
From all that was us
As the memories
Hold me in place

he picked
A mountain
To climb
Far away
And
Too high

he harboured
A dream
To succeed
In his heart
And
His head

he needed
A victory
To proclaim
To breathe
And
Live again.

He texts
I brace myself
I won’t respond
I know better

He uses words
I ve heard before
I get this game
I’m a seasoned pro

He haunts me
I love him still
I feel the feels
I’ll be strong

Get over it
He left
He told you
That you weren’t
The one

His words
Sting in you head
Ran our course
Not attracted
I’m done

You licked
The wounds
Cried the tears
Cursed the gods
Moved on

I’m ok
Boys come and go
My heart mourns
As others long
To take his place

He didn’t see
The scars
As he held
Me close

He didn’t notice
The tears
As he pulled
Me tight

He didn’t know
The thoughts
As he decided
Me his

He didn’t realize
The chasm
As he declared
Me the one.

Here I am again
The night lingering
Taunting me with ideas
Hope shaded by the moon

Here I go again
The day rising
Beckoning me to join
Promise wrapped in sunlight

Here I fall again
The life wasted
Pushing me to the limit
It’s the end of time

You flow through life
Untethered to anyone
But longing
For roots

You blame everyone
Innocent to your faults
Yet hoping
For kinship

You deny those
Showing you emotion
Then blaming them
For loneliness

You are unsettled
Mad against the world
So angry
At yourself.

I’ve no right
And I won’t
But I miss
Your texts

I knew
Going in
That we are
Casual

I didn’t rely
But your words
Brought joy
To my day

I’ll be ok
A little sad
That your words
Have gone away

I am
That girl
Pathetic and alone
Texting
In a wine induced haze
Hoping for a response
Desperate
For something
I can’t describe
Wondering
If life will ever be
what I dreamed
Knowing
Good and well
There’s no happy ever after

I miss you
Your arms around me
The stroking of my hair
Your easy laugh in my ear
Your questions I can’t answer

I fear you
Your gentle soul
The soft caresses
Your sweet words  
Your expectations I can’t be

I need you
Your subtle approach
The dancing eyes
Your irresistible appeal
Your need I can’t fill

I’m
Pathetic
The sad girl
A martyr
For love
An idiot
For sense
A lost
Cause
But
A hopeful
Heart
A synic
Who needs
Just to believe
That a
Love
Doesn’t
Die
Just fades
Until
The flames
Are fanned
A new
And love
Reigns
Once again

If hope was enough
I’d love the life I long for

If belief paved the way
I’d walk the yellow brick road

If wonder made the map
I’d find treasures of you

If dreams came true
I’d know happiness at last

If you knew
Would it change
Your mind
Would you think
Less of me

If I told
The truth
Came clean and honest
Would you still
Hold me so high

If I showed
The scars
And told my stories
Would you smile
At me after

If you knew
He will always
Have my heat
Would you love
The rest of me

I find humor
In their wanting
Needy eyes
And grabby hands

I find solace
In their desire
Hungry mouth
And urgent need

I find distraction
In their actions
Pulsing flesh
And heightened glee

I find numbness
In their afterglow
Sweating body
And dreamfilled sleep

If it were that easy
A simple lay
Would replace you

If it were that easy
A hey beautiful
Would make my day

If it were that easy
A tender moment
Would erase you

If it were that easy
A happy day
Would exist

If they knew
The thoughts
So dark
And deep

If they knew
The scars
So precise
And everlasting

If they knew  
The longing
So great
And encompassing

If they knew
The girl
So lost
and on the edge

I ******* hate you
But would bow
At your feet
If you asked

I ******* don’t need you
But would dissolve
At your touch
If you did

I ******* don’t care
But would stop time
At your request
If you needed

I hate this girl
I’ve become
Needy and desperate
For some man
To say she’s pretty

I hate this truth
I’ve searched
Lonely and longing
For a reply
To say I’m good enough

I hate this life
I’ve lived
Alone and waiting
For reason
To say it will be ok

Tonight
I hate you

Tonight
There are others

Tonight
They want me

Tonight
I will succumb

Tonight
Someone other

Tonight
You don’t matter

I hate you
How easily you left
And your life went on
As I search for peace

I hate you
How you're happy
And your new love
As I lay alone

I hate you
How you survive
And your ok
As I crumble

I hate you
How you still reach out
And you pretend
As I know the truth