I want to yell
At the universe
Can’t you see
How sad I am?

I want to scream
From a mountain
Can’t you see
How lost I am?

I want to cry
Beside your door
Can’t you see
How lonely I am?

I want to be ok
In my skin
Can’t you see
How hard I’m trying ?

I miss us
But I’m clear
Enough to know
We were temporary

I loved you
But I’m wise
Enough to know
We were fleeting

I desire you
But I’m strong
Enough to know
We were over

I mourn you
But I’m ok
Enough to know
We weren’t meant to be

he picked
A mountain
To climb
Far away
And
Too high

he harboured
A dream
To succeed
In his heart
And
His head

he needed
A victory
To proclaim
To breathe
And
Live again.

I ******* hate you
But would bow
At your feet
If you asked

I ******* don’t need you
But would dissolve
At your touch
If you did

I ******* don’t care
But would stop time
At your request
If you needed

It’s been awhile
But tonight
I was lingering
On the edge
Biting nails
Chewing my lip
Begging
For release
There he was
On the nightstand
Ready for me
Hungry for flesh
To relieve
The pressure
To feel
The physical
And forgo
The emotional
My friend
And adversary
In this
Twisted game.

I hate lonely
I feel panic
And stress
As if something
Should happen

I like alone
I feel peace
And relief
As if nothing
Should happen

If they knew
The thoughts
So dark
And deep

If they knew
The scars
So precise
And everlasting

If they knew  
The longing
So great
And encompassing

If they knew
The girl
So lost
and on the edge

No one can love me
I’m broken
Beyond repair

No one will stay
I’m used goods
Not worth their time

No one understands
I’m not perfect  
Beneath the cracks

No one gets
I’m worth the effort
Beneath the surface

I’m not ok
If you ask
I’ll lie and
Say I’m fine
As a swallow
The drink
And drag
The needle
Across my skin
I’ll smile
To your face
And weep
Uncontrollably
Once im alone
I’m a put together mess
And no one knows
How I ache inside
It’s best not to tell
You get the mirage
While the tsunami
Takes a toll
On what’s left of me

I wish I knew
Why you couldn’t love me
But maybe the truth
Would break my heart?

If you called
I would answer
And I would say yes

If you texted
I would respond
And I would agree

If you needed
I would be there
And I would be yours

I’m prickly
The hairs on end
The senses alerted

I’m present
The bases loaded
The blade ready

I’m *******
The ending is known
The cut waiting

I’m released
The pain a savior
The scar a reminder

I miss you
I get how
You stopped
Loving me
I’m a lot
Of broken pieces
Patience
Is required
To put me
Together again
I wish
When you
Felt it
You told me
Instead of
Pretending
That we
Were ok
I’m trying
To forgive you
For
Breaking
My heart

It scares me
How easy
It would be
letting go
The end
But the
aftermath
Holds me
Still
I’m more
Than me
People
Who care
I can’t
Be the cause
Of their
Sadness
I’ll pretend
I’m ok
Until the end

I miss you
Your arms around me
The stroking of my hair
Your easy laugh in my ear
Your questions I can’t answer

I fear you
Your gentle soul
The soft caresses
Your sweet words  
Your expectations I can’t be

I need you
Your subtle approach
The dancing eyes
Your irresistible appeal
Your need I can’t fill

I’m
Trying
To be
Cool
Not play
My hand
Too early
But you
Tug
My heart
Spark
My giggle
Excite
My senses

I need you
To want me
Embrace the crazy
And all that I am

I need you
To know me
Love the broken
And all I am

I need you
To desire me
Appreciate the flaws
And all that I am

I need you
To accept me
Desire the girl
And all that I am

Oh new guy
This is me

Scars
Carefully concealed

Crazy
Held in check

Drama
Politely hidden

Paranoia
Dismissed quietly

Reality
Completely ignored

My words
Mean nothing
Ramblings
Of the broken

My thoughts
Are nonsense
wandering  
Of the lost

My feelings
Are silly
Inappropriate
Of the needy

My response
Not required
Unsolicited
Of the unwanted

Your words
Were unexpected
Thinking of me?

My guard
Was deployed
Thinking of me?

Your prose
So casual
Thinking of me?

My breath
On hold
Thinking of me?

Your play
Not working
Thinking of me?

My resistance
On point
Don’t think of me.

I’m hesitant
Your hands in my hair
Your breath teasing my ear

I’m scared
Your words in my head
Your scent lingers on my skin

I’m doubtful
Your eyes piercing mine
Your embrace holds me tight

I’m surrendering
Your play wins me over
Your presence wrecks me

He didn’t see
The scars
As he held
Me close

He didn’t notice
The tears
As he pulled
Me tight

He didn’t know
The thoughts
As he decided
Me his

He didn’t realize
The chasm
As he declared
Me the one.

Tonight
There will be
Too much wine
As I wonder
How I became
This girl

Tonight
There will be
Too many tears
As I reflect
How this happened
To me

Tonight
There will be
Too much pain
As I cry
Over this sadness
I feel

Tonight
There will be release
Too much emotion
As I cut
And release the pain
To set me free

I post a few pics
The ones
Where I’m pretty

You message
Hopeful
For reply

We banter
Back and forth
Nothing serious

Then we text
Words get deep
You wanna meet

I hesitate
I’m scared
A broken girl

You persist
I give in
Beyond nervous

I’ll be hopeful
The pieces
Can hold it together

I hate this girl
I’ve become
Needy and desperate
For some man
To say she’s pretty

I hate this truth
I’ve searched
Lonely and longing
For a reply
To say I’m good enough

I hate this life
I’ve lived
Alone and waiting
For reason
To say it will be ok

I’m that girl
Battered
And broken
But still standing

I’m that girl
Lost
And abandoned
But still hoping

I’m that girl
Shredded
And struggling
But still trying

I’m that girl
Left
And all alone
But still hopefull

I’m that girl
stubborn
And strong
And still thriving

I told him
No more
The texting
Hurt too much

He moved on
But kept
A grip
On my heart

I’m letting go
Piece by piece
Tear after tear
Day by day

You get to be
The one who
Walks away
Unharmed
Behind you
Bombs exploding
Lives ending
You’ve no time
For looking back
Not your problem
You said goodbye
Dusted off your hands
Your life moves on.

Things turned
And you left
A stupid letter
Of empty excuses

Months of chats
And shared desires
Meant nothing
In your exit

Shattered dreams
And loneliness
My consolation
Of loving you

Wednesday’s child
Destined for woe
It’s the only life
You’ll ever know

Your fate was sealed
The day you were born
Sad or sadder
You are always torn

You weep when happy
And cry when sad
You tears flow freely
Even when your mad

You wear your heart
Out on your sleeve
You give all you have
And they still leave

Your alone in the world
You know your role
Escape with minimal damage
That’s your goal

Tonight
The cutting
Will be deep

Release
So welcome
Instead of pain

Feeling
The passage
Letting go

Tomorrow
The wound
Won’t even matter

He texts
I brace myself
I won’t respond
I know better

He uses words
I ve heard before
I get this game
I’m a seasoned pro

He haunts me
I love him still
I feel the feels
I’ll be strong

I am alone
For the first time
In along time
There’s no one but me

I am scared
For thoughts run rampant
In this space
There’s no one but me

I am weak
For surrender brings peace
In this moment
There’s no one but me

I am searching
For shards of hope
In this life
There’s no one but me

I am ok
For strength unknown
Inside my being
There’s no one but me

It will be a day

   Of biting my lip
      Holding my breath
         Clearing my head
            Blocking the thoughts
               Denying the feelings

                               To stop the tears.

There aren’t words
Or phrases  
To describe
What the
Bloodletting
Releases

There aren’t people
Or persons
To eleaveate
What the
Needle
Eases

There are no programs
Or self helps
To lighten
What the  
Cut
Resolves

There is nothing
Or hope
To save
What the
Mark
Leaves behind

Whose the fool
The one who follows
Or the one who runs?

Whose mislead
The one who accepts
Or the one who bucks?

Whose scared
The one who knows
Or the one who hopes?

Whose finished
The one who believes
Or the one who accepts?

I’m done
I’ve nothing
Left to give

I’m out
I’m empty
Out of space

I’m finished
I’m complete
I’m numb

No one
Will put me on a pedestal
And buy me a tiara

No one
Will watch the eclipse
And tell me that they’re falling

No one
Will love me for me
And  make  me think I’m enough

No one
Will make me believe
That the past is the past

No one
Will convince me
That I’m what they’ve been waiting for

No one
Will make me trust
That their words are the truth

No one
Will gain my trust
And make me believe

No one
Will stop out of the blue
And leave me alone

a drift
on my own
maybe no port exists
to dock my vessel
there is no safe harbor
to calm my tempest
i'll find no dry land
to find my footing
how will I survive?
then I recall
there is an anchor
to hold me still
i have a compass
to point me home
my faith is strong
to get me through
calm waters
crashing waves
ill find my way

I loved you
Long ago
When stars mattered
And dreams were real

I believed in you
Sweet words
When hope lived
And possibility existed

I needed us
Perfect story
When it seemed impossible
And yet came true

I realize truth
Sad endings
Happen too
And yet I don’t give up

I got nothing
No insightful words
Or encouraging prose

Love is beautiful
And heartbreaking
In the moment

We choose our battles
And pick our sides
Feelings be ******

Yet truth be told
Emotions exposed
This pain is real

*******
I’m angry
I hate you
In the moment

*******
I don’t care
I despise you
In the now

*******  
I’m over it
I won’t love you
In this life

The line is thin
I walk it nonchalantly
As if I don’t care
Secretly I do

The bridge is high
I dangle carelessly
As if I’m not scared
Maybe I am

The end is close
I tease it unknowingly
As if I know
Truthfully I don’t

The day is long
I fake my way through
As if I’ll be here
Probably I won’t

You don’t know me
Your struggle
Isn’t mine

You don’t live this
Your life
Can’t compare

You don’t understand
Your existence
Won’t comprehend

You don’t get this
Your world
Won’t collide

I’m an idiot
Thinking anyone
Would care
About this mess
That I’ve become.

A pretty package
With a **** voice
And quick wit
A nice facade
That’s what I am

Only I know
What lies beneath
Take the mask off
And you’ll see
And run away

Over my head
Drowning
Swimming against
The tide

Out of my league
Schooled
Learning too slow
To keep up

Chasing my tail
Chastised
Raising my game
Trying to survive

Breathing deep
Realization
Giving my best
But it isn’t enough

I’ve no right
And I won’t
But I miss
Your texts

I knew
Going in
That we are
Casual

I didn’t rely
But your words
Brought joy
To my day

I’ll be ok
A little sad
That your words
Have gone away

i want to dwell
I want to wallow
In the saddness

I want to linger
I want to stay
In this moment

I want to lament
I want to rage
In the now

I want to surrender
I want to give in
But I won’t

If it were that easy
A simple lay
Would replace you

If it were that easy
A hey beautiful
Would make my day

If it were that easy
A tender moment
Would erase you

If it were that easy
A happy day
Would exist