I think of you
Every time I reach
For my pack
Fit snugly
In my pocket.
Steal a smoke,
Put it gently
Between my lips
And light it up
Just to take a few
Hits; filling my
Lungs with tainted
Air I wouldn't dare
Wish another
To breathe.

Exhale to the left
So it goes
Along with the
Wind toward
The mountains
And away from
The memory of
You. I remember
How that day
Driving home from
school, windows
Down and a smoke
Between my fingers
Hanging slightly
In the open
Air, when I was
Distracted by the
Sight of your
Car tailing me
All the way home.

Remember how
You kissed me
So tenderly
As to distract
My eyes from
Your hands
Slowly moving
Down my side
Making me
Shiver in anticipation
Expecting more
Like we used to do.
Instead you
Sneak my Spirits
Out of my
Grasp, taking
My crutch away
And all I can ask
For is just
one more.

You kiss me for
A second time.
I say that is
Not what I
Meant and you
Know it.
You smile
And tell me
That's what
Addicts say.
I remember you
Getting out
Of my car and
Break every single
Smoke in the pack,
Finally throwing
Them away and
Look at me.

I don't look
Back. All I hear
Is your voice
Saying words I
Tried to tune
Out but couldn't
Quite get the
Ringing of the
Love I felt when
You finally
Told me I was
Better than this.
I promised I
Would stop and
Your stringing of
Words gave
Me the strength I
Thought I lost
When I first
Started
Killing myself.

Five hundred and eighty-four
Days I stood by my
Word until I broke
And you were no longer
There to pick up
The pieces.
I think of you every time
I reach for a smoke.
No longer keeping
Track of days
Because I have
Been stuck at Day 1
For too long
To know how it felt
To be free from
A crutch I don't
Know how to
Give up.

Or maybe I
Just don't want to
Because every time
I bring that smoke
To my lips to
Take a drag, I feel
Guilt and dread
And no
Self-worth
But
I think of you.

My heart bleeds darkness

It leaks and oozes the memories I don’t let myself remember

It aches with the sound of my inner child sobbing

Screaming and throwing fits to be let out

My heart bleeds the sadness that I hold inside

It trickles through sometimes

That’s when you see me cry

My heart aches with all my untold troubles

The ones behind the things I pretend to let bother me

The little things that I don’t really care about I just pretend to show emotion so that no one will know that I’m really a robot

With screws and metal bits instead of blood and viens

I don’t care about anything anymore beyond getting through

I can climb the mountain just fine as long as everyone leaves me alone

I’ll catch a ride on the wings of my depression

It will glide me effortlessly back down to the valley of blame and guilt and remorse and I’ll stay there

I’ll wallow there in the lush grass of melancholy

I’ll roll around with the dripping words of the ones who want me to stay

They whisper my defeat from the tops of the hills and yet I can hear them

Their words settle and sink into my very soul until I can no longer even muster the energy walk to the water to drink

I cannot sustain my own life

My lonliness is what ruins the rest of me

The last thing I want to give up

My solitude

It’s what will **** me in the end

Dragging me down into the cave at the bottom of the valley I will lie in the fetal position until I starve to death

Lack of human interaction

Lack of human affirmation

I will never survive alone

As much as that sounds like a negative thing to me

I suppose it’s really not

I can bring light into other people’s lives

As long as someone is bringing light into mine

It’s a chain reaction

Love me

I’ll love everyone else for you

Cherish me

And I can make the world shine brighter than the sun

My teeth aren't falling out tonight
but the stitches in my thighs are
and I'm not sure how long I can hold myself up
without a reason to.

7 points
3 planes
9 lights
and this fire in my lungs
your presence was overbearing and I had so much to say
Bursting at the seams with such consequential information
I am a coward
I have never experienced a night where cars ceased to exist
And the wind invaded my pores so profoundly
All the things I could not say
God ******
So many moments where I could feel the letters slipping
Out of my lips, but I collected them
And shoved them back down my throat
And then proceeded to **** them with my conscious
"Are you okay", I asked
"Yes"
"I think you're lying"
silence
silence
silence
That was all I could muster up
But what I really wanted to say was-
I know you're lying
And I want to crawl into your cigarette fingers
Give your lonely chapped soul some company
But that does not even begin to portray the images;
Thoughts inside my brain, chemicals reacting
Refusing
Resisting
I am an imbecile
A decaying bundle of festering emotions and words
Slowly rotting my insides, I wish
I could just tell you
How I actually feel