you said i wouldn't
i agreed.

you said i shouldn't
and i began to question why.

you said i couldn't
and then i went out and showed you
that you were wrong all the time -
because i did.

when at last i shall sleep,
and take my leave of this life,
this strange existence of pains and torments,
and brief periods of rest between them,
i shall look back upon it all,
and wonder at the brilliant mosaic
formed from the choices i made,
the things i did,
the people i loved,
and the difference i have made for them,
and what they have done for me,
and i will find the happiness i seek.

i know why you do it -
the back-and-forth,
the maybe-maybe-not daily ritual of
non-committal niceties
and incongruent  actions
that keep everyone on the edge -
it's a control,
a way of dealing with the world
so you can face another day,
so you can look in the mirror and feel good about yourself,
and know there's something that depends on you,
and your upside-inside-down-out life
has a moment of peace in it that you can understand.
And that's fine -
you need to function that way,
to play the puppeteer.
But I do not dance that way.

down, down,
water rushes happily,
gurgles and splashes and trickles and drips
as it feeds the mosses on the stony creekside,
too slick to walk there,
too beautiful to approach,
a place meant for witnessing from a distance,
not to be touched,
only savored by the ear and eye,
hidden back among the hemlock,
where only those with enough daring can go
and feel the presence of Nature,
her empowering spirit,
and the sense of peace She longs for,
as the water falls down,
cleansing and nourishing my soul and Hers.

i love the way a man's kiss
is rough to the touch,
but delicate after only a moment.
his touch, firm and longing,
holding on as long as he can,
a strange desperation in that moment of want,
where it's difficult to discern want from need.
to feel his bristly lip brush against mine,
his hot tongue in my mouth,
melting together in a moment of bliss.

i've asked "why" so often,
i forget that others do it, too.
i am only a small part of the Whole,
and i have my role to play,
to bring beauty to this world,
to bring a smile,
and maybe tears,
to touch the minds and hearts
of so many,
or maybe just a few -
and be content with that.
such is my peace,
and it is also my power.
once every great while, the universe
takes time out to answer,
"this is my canvas - let it be yours as well."
and i am humbled and honored together,
invigorated,
knowingly, purposefully,
a piece finding his home in the Whole.

magic grabbed me,
guided me into its welcoming arms,
held tight and opened my eyes to
marvelous wonders
that i never could imagine.
and then, it pushed me away,
a fickle mistress that  cannot be tamed,
and i was left all alone,
forsaken,
forgotten by the world as i fell into despair.
it happened slowly,
but i began to understand,
through trial and turmoil,
that i was not abandoned-
that when magic touched me,
it entered in,
became part of me,
changed me,
until i was ready to become something
greater than i was before:
i am magic,
and i will do for others
what has been done for me.