you didn't know what to do,
this child was so different,
on his own page,
doing his own thing,
you could see his mind working,
but he stayed silent,
placid, subdued,
you didn't know the question to ask,
to open him up,
to find out where he went to in his head,
why he didn't fit in quite right,
you tried so many things,
but he learned too well,
too quickly how to hide,
and you never saw him.
but you labeled him,
stuffed him in a box
that seemed right,
looked right,
felt right to you,
but you never stopped and asked him.
he knew it was easier to let it happen,
rather than fight it.
he could be unseen,
go unnoticed if he never spoke up,
always getting by, just out of sight.
you didn't know how to deal with that.
he wasn't like the others.
he understood something differently.
he was always somewhere else.
i forgive you.

words cut hard,
not a precision knife-cut,
a-clean-slice-that-can-be-grafted-back-together-
and-b­arely-a-scar-is-seen cut,
but a jagged snaggle-toothed cut,
that breaks into you,
and takes a chunk or two out.
words leave a scar,
the kind i don't know whether it will be a fun story someday,
to wear proudly and talk about,
or something i hide from the world.
words heal, too -
to the right words, the cuts and scars are nothing-
easily fixed, made stronger than before.

i close my eyes,
and look through a lens,
i see me there, dancing,
twirling,
movements i think my body must know,
though i have never taken a class,
but i see me move effortlessly,
a choreography in time with music only i can hear,
fluid movements i could never achieve with this body,
a purely spiritual existence,
dancing for the pure love of the dance,
each movement a new emotion;
power and drive,
followed by lust and pleasure,
each their own radiance.
i see what there is inside,
and i know i am beautiful.

there's the me i keep inside,
safe behind the walls i spent a lifetime building,
not to keep others out,
but just to keep safe
from the unintended assaults
that come from being near people.
they don't understand what they do,
and the more i try to fit in with them,
not care, not notice,
the more i feel my secret self becoming corrupted,
and the walls get built higher.
to break free from this fortress
will break hearts and minds
and shatter everything they know
and i don't know if they can take it -
but i have to do it,
because this lonely castle as yet has no roof -
i can still see out,
see the daylight and let it warm me,
soothe me, console and comfort -
i have to hurry before the roof is built
and i lose all that's left of me,
just to save them.

they told me to go,
to visit the land by the sea,
and take my troubles with me - I asked "why?"
and they just shook their heads.

i went my own way,
and left my troubles behind me,
littering the places of my life with
junk i did not understand,
while they shunned me.

even so, i went on,
my trials left a wake behind me,
people, places, things i cast aside  as i went,
friendless and lost in the world,
and i saw their pity-filled eyes,
but they would not speak to me.

at long last, my path led me to the sea,
its force and power unmistakable,
for it had not past nor future,
it simply was.
and it beckoned to me.

i retraced my steps, picking up my castoffs,
back to where i started,
and they winked at me,
knowing smiles playing on their lips.

i took my troubles to the sea,
and threw them in,
myself along with them,
and at last i understood,
for the sea claimed all my troubles,
and washed me clean.

i came out of the water, and they were all there,
laughing and smiling,
and i was one of them again,
made new by the relentless wild forgiveness of the sea.