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Apr 2017 · 127
Empty Hearted Once Again
Becca Addams Apr 2017
I want you to hold me tight and show me how much you care
But I don't want you to see me
My wretched disabled soul does not seek your pity
What am I even here for?
To be a slave? To be used for your happiness and pleasure?
I am consumed with grief knowing I'll never have the love I need
And the only one who is willing, never quite gives enough
I'm a void and no matter how much you give me,
It will never be enough to heal my eternal wounds that you gave me
I know why you neglect me, I know why you hate me
I understand now, but I am not sorry
I am who I am and I cannot change that
I won't ever be the person you hoped me to be
I won't ever be good enough
I won't ever be anything...
So just leave me be...
Depleted and alone...
I just don't care anymore.
Becca Addams Feb 2017
You're a joke
A remnant of a marriage
Bound for devastation
You are just a *******
A waste of rotting flesh
Never meant to see the light of day
You will never live
You will never be a part of my family
You're dead to me
Long lost in this horrid monstrosity
You'll never see my children
They'll never know your love
For you are nothing to me
Just a joke
An overly emotional brat
Manipulating people into believing your "pain"
You'll never know what I had to go through
To get away from you
Don't blame me for your misery
Of missing me
You've known all along
I've hated you and still do
I asked her why she abandoned me, and this is what she told me after ignoring me for years, and for no reason other than living with my mom
Becca Addams Feb 2017
Change your way of thinking
Just be happy
Choose to think happy thoughts
Take care of yourself

It's not so easy
I can't will myself into a better life
I don't choose to relive these nightmares
The darkness is a vortex of never ending pain

Don't be so negative
Do things that make you happy
Don't re-traumatize yourself
Find comfort in friends

I can't find happiness
I see things through a permanent lens
My inability to trust
And my self-hatred; I despise all the lies

Trust in people
Let yourself heal
Take things one step at a time
Things will get better

I've been hurt too many times
There is no healing; there is no way out
How many more years of suffering
Until I can prove to you it will never get better?

You don't listen
I'm tired of trying to help
You will forever be alone with your pain
Dec 2016 · 174
Stuck in the outside realm
Becca Addams Dec 2016
When you try so hard
To get it right
To appease what they want
And not start a fight

But you can't go on
Or let things go
Because you care too much
And you feel so low

What can you do?
Listen and take it all in?
Or cry it all out
And commit your sin?
Nov 2016 · 417
I Plead the Fifth
Becca Addams Nov 2016
Listen here little one
Nothing bad will ever come
For I am here
And I do not fear
There is no need to run

I know you are afraid
You may think that they'd
Take away your rights
And you'll die in all the fights
But what they do will be undone

This isn't a war
They do indeed implore
Equality and protection
Has turned into defection
Bite the hand that feeds one

Things at last will settle down
Or fear we all drown
We must trust in one another
We are all sister and brother
Let's hope our country is not overrun
Oct 2016 · 176
Becca Addams Oct 2016
I go out and try to say
Just one little thing
But you turn your face and hide your eyes
Because you don't want me
I ask you one more question
But you shun me
And that's when all things die
Because you think I'm unworthy

Why do I even try
To make a single person smile
I am just "cruel and selfish"
Sorry I don't make that way
You believe every lie
That demon tells you I despise
All your cries because your mother died
I understand why
But whispers in your ear
Tells you I'm your end
I'm sorry, but I'm not

Please get out of my face
You're not the one I want
Please end your illful ways
You're not the one who's right
All you hear are dark white little lies
But they tear, bit by bit
And cascade through your mind

Please go away
Please don't betray
I don't want it this way
All I wanted was to be there for you
You believe I'd be happier without that demon
I must agree, but not to your face
Because you would be better and happier
Without that demon in your face
Leave him alone.

I guess the only way
To protect the innocence that remains
Is to hide behind a wall of despair
And keep it locked away
Oct 2016 · 185
His Light Lives On
Becca Addams Oct 2016
There is nothing I can compare
His radiant gaze... looking up at me
There is nothing more pure
The warmth, his touch, our happiness combined
What can I make of this?
I don't want to be anywhere
Except in his arms
Not a day goes by
Without wishing I were with him
Lost and presumed dead...
Perhaps in Heaven, I'll see him again
I'm blessed to see his smiles live on
Our daughter, Ophelia
The same eyes, the same smile
I love her all the more
Jul 2016 · 190
Your Smile Is More...
Becca Addams Jul 2016
Still cries
Whispers of misfortune
"It'll be okay"
He promises so lovingly
"What's mine...
Will always be yours"
I don't want...
To be like this...
I just want to have equality
We're the same aren't we?
Why am I treated less?
I want to be you
Not this... brokenhearted
He kisses me gently
And warms my hands
"I give you
All that I have
Because nothing in this world
Means anything to me
Compared to your smile"
Becca Addams Jul 2016
This is not what I meant to give you
This is not what I thought we'd be
When I laid in bed
I would dream of us
Among the stars
With your soft kindred spirit
Dancing with mine
I've always wanted
Just to be your only one
I want your innocence
You soft lips
I want to be with you
Beyond the stars
You are my only love
My sweet redeemer
I'm so sorry
My love
I have made you horribly sick
Please don't leave me
I know it can get better
Please, feel my heart beat
Let it beat for you
My love
Becca Addams Jul 2016
It's been long time
Long ways
But I'm happy
To see your face
Oh how I've dreamed
Your hand against my
Ever beating heart
Breathing, breathing
I want to feel your heart beat
I want to be with you
I want to hold your hand
I want to breathe in
Your every loving breath
There is no one
No one
Who could ever be like you
I don't want
A world
Without you
To my husband
Jul 2016 · 115
Death is the only way
Becca Addams Jul 2016
No matter where I go
I will always be your prisoner
I am never free to be happy
Once a punishment
Now I long for
I was never free to begin with
I will always be stuck
In this never ending torment
I could be traveling the world
But I'll always know in my heart
I did something wrong
Even if I didn't do anything wrong
I will always be a prisoner
In my own heart
Never loved
Never given pacience
Always a burden
Maybe my soul has something written
Begging others to treat me like hell
I am not my father's child
I am not disrespectful
I have done you no harm
Why do you treat me like this?
Scorn me constantly?
I give up.
I can't do this anymore.
Leave me alone.
I'm just completing my death
But my soul was already dead
Jun 2016 · 221
Becca Addams Jun 2016
My eyesight has betrayed me
Shown me visions of darkness
I have only hoped
But lost joy made me heartless
A waking thought
Of beauty and happiness
Has only left me
Feeling sorriness
Inspired by Edgar Allen Poe
Jun 2016 · 149
Not Yet Raven
Becca Addams Jun 2016
I'm afraid of the underlying whisper
Threatening me
Haunting my every thought
What would happen if...
No... Not yet...

Crow? Why are you afraid?
I fear my wings may fail me
The soul relying on me
Lost to wonder in the sea of lost souls

Her tragedy a mystery
Her sorrowful love
Mourning her for all his days
Letting the Raven feed on his carrion

Please, guide my wings
So I might never fail
To keep her soul safe
So she may see her love again
Jun 2016 · 409
I Miss What You Used To Be
Becca Addams Jun 2016
I miss the person
That you used to be
But now you're gone
And all we built
Lost and forgotten

I feel awful for thinking of you
Checking up on you
Just to see if you're still okay
But everytime I go and look
My soul once again despises you

You threw away what we had
We were great together
And as days pass by
I still can't help
But miss you
May 2016 · 169
Past appearances
Becca Addams May 2016
Be my friend
I beg you now
I know I've done wrong
Forgive me, I beg

I've cast judgment
Believing it was right
Scolding those close
And preventing those far

I'm alone now
Left to judge myself
I understand now my cruelty
And I'm sorry

My upbringing
My religion
My childhood
No... it was me

You may one day forgive me
But I, myself
Will never be able to
Forgive my transgressions

I'm alone at last
Watching my past friends celebrate
Such pride
I'm sorry I didn't see sooner
May 2016 · 323
The misunderstood world
Becca Addams May 2016
I once thought
If all things are good and true
Then there would be
No reason to worry

But since I do worry
Perhaps it is for a good reason
That I'm not so crazy
And not so paranoid

I've come to realize
My darkness inside
Commonly misunderstood
Is simply naivety

I grew up
Not knowing the world
I certainly don't trust it now
But I know there's good in it too
May 2016 · 270
It will all be worth it
Becca Addams May 2016
Don't be afraid
For I am here
Rest your weary head
In my arms
Take your time
Let it all out
It's better to have tried
Than never tried at all
You did your best
And that's what matters most
There's no one
That you need to prove yourself to
Your happiness is what matters
Not some poorly scored test
Or some rumors at work
Not even the glares
From those who don't even matter
All that matters is that
Beautiful Smile of yours
Keep Going
Keep trying
I swear it will all be worth it
May 2016 · 289
Someone who loves me
Becca Addams May 2016
There's nothing more I need
Than to feel your loving embrace
You warmed my cold hardened heart
And put a smile right on my face
I didn't know what I'd do without you
But now I know
I don't have to ponder that
You offered me a ring, I couldn't say no!
A symbol of our everlasting love
Promised me you'd never leave me
In awe, you inspired me
You are my key
You give me what I need
I suppose that was you, wasn't it?
With that loving deed
You gave me someone who cares
Someone who's true
Someone who trusts me
And is never blue
"I love you, Becca"
"And I love you too"
He bought me a ring today
I love you so much Bram!
May 2016 · 305
Accept yourself
Becca Addams May 2016
Teach me wisdom
Scold my pride
Lift my head
And tell me why
Knowledge isn't everything
You say with a sigh
Be the person you need to be
But don't explain why
For you to be happy
Accept yourself
And forget what others perceive
The only person who needs your approval
Is the person you don't want to leave
May 2016 · 165
Unspoken Truth
Becca Addams May 2016
I hate the way things are right now
A never ending cycle of torment
Just a little farther, I push myself
Lying because I'm too afraid to give up

How much more do I need to go
How much father can I go
Before it's too late
And I'm completely broken

I don't know what happened
To my innocent childhood days
I used to be so happy
I've come such a long ways

Now I'm lost
No direction to turn
The lights now dimmed
Disappear without a trace
May 2016 · 381
Simplicity of Happiness
Becca Addams May 2016
Let the circle be undone
Stop pacing back and forth
Revolt against the ruts of your everyday life
What is worth the trouble
Should not be your life undone

Stick to the happy things
Your child's laughter
A simple opera here and there
The orchestra of the wind blowing in the trees
The warmth of your blanket

Enjoy the little things as they come
As few as they are
Step by step
Things will become as they began
With the simplicity of happiness
May 2016 · 219
What Am I To You?
Becca Addams May 2016
What Am I To You?
I guess I really am my fathers kid
A **** by heart
With my savage actions
And mindless sputum

What am I to you?
Certainly not the heavenly idea of a daughter
Or the respectable adult you wanted me to be
But just a disappointment and reason for your hostility

I'm your unwilling punching bag
Constantly beating me down to forget your insecurities
Thriving from the pain you cause
A waste container for your built up hatred

You love the feeling of being in control
Sicking your puppet on me
Rejoicing in the cries of terror and pain
Your cruelty is very becoming of you

What is your goal in all this?
Filling me with hatred for you
And keeping my mouth sewn shut so I can't release it
Are you waiting to see me explode?

You love making me angry
It gives you power and control
The power to destroy my life
And the control over my soul
May 2016 · 143
Once Read and Now Forgotten
Becca Addams May 2016
I run toward you
But you turn your head in disappointment
Losing hope of a relationship long passed
Finally hopeless and long lost
To the still air of hopeless despair

I look up to you
Searching your face for the tiniest glimmer of hope
That maybe you too still care
But all I see is my worthless projections of hope
Reflecting back to mock me

I'm lost... I need your help...
But you no longer care
I'm just a sentence in a book you've read
Once read and now forgotten
Never to enlighten your imagination again

I'm sorry I failed you
And I'm sorry I tried to bring you back
I'm sorry I lingered in our past
Hoping to feel loved once more
But knowing all love is lost

— The End —