I cannot find
my peace of mind,
the weight of which crushes me
and I know not where I am again.

Like being so far away from home,
the smell of clothes
takes me back to the
last time I was in them.

I trace these thoughts
as I trace the curve of your spine-
immaculate ridges like the ride of
the cobblestones on your porch.

I find my solace
in the perfect arches of your shoulders
like the hold of the hearth
that keeps me warm.

I stow my secrets
into the unbreakable weave of your ribs,
safe and sound into the vault
of your tireless heart.

And dreams I dream
to the lullaby
of your ebb and flow
heartbeat.

eyes gaze, a hypnotic stare
transient energy i'm unaware
ocean blue spheres engulf my brain
without a word she drives me insane

shoulders brushed by red hair
smile gleeful without care
walking closer, feeling numb
breathing deep squeezing my thumb

my body turns to butter
"hello", a word i cant utter
greeting each other with a nod
an encounter already flawed

her boyfriend comes by
greeting us both with a "hi"
a mutual friend and great man
happiness over before it began

painful reality rips my heart
love like this isnt smart
walking away in disgust
dreams shattered and crushed

engulf me in a haze of black
veins turn hard, vision blurs
world so distant and forgotten
childhood i yearn to go back

no more than seconds time
mind alters with desolation
alone with no relation
dead, buried and back alive

reality swarms in a gasp
eyes soaking in light
fighting the evil within
sanity back in clasp

Body still, thoughts wander
Many things left to ponder
Early morning coffee pours
Sleepless nights i do abhor

Day goes by in a trance
Stimulants cant enhance
Space consumed with no soul
Passage of time beyond control

Communication with a nod
No existence just facade
Zombies walking, slowly passed
Hallucinations will outlast

Sleep is distant and crude
Mind and body in a feud
Neither living nor dead
Just a mind full of dread

I'm sorry.
I've let you down.
I've torn myself away from you.

I'm not myself.
Things are overwhelming.
I'm scared of myself.

I don't want you to see me like this.
Even when you are close to me,
I feel incredibly alone.

I can't be with you.
I must learn to love myself
the way you love me.

I won't be able to love you until then.
Please take care.
And know I love you.

There was one day when the dysfunctionality, obscure and fearful
left my body to slump for once, laid back almost literally,
because we were sitting on a sofa, a boring tone so no descriptive words included.

You're cold marble fingers that greyish tint touched the skin of my cheek.
being nothing but dry terrain accompanied by sudden rain storms, my cheek is pale.
puberty according to american girl dolls books never told me
my first love would bring love to lifeless,
my cheek was only the beginning.

Spinning the corners of my mouth into ringlets,
dancing with empathetic eyebrows,
sweeping my eyelashes into brown billowed bristles,
circling the bridge of my nose.

You thought I was watching as Harrison
hopped round realities
and watched himself lead lovers
to open spaces.

But the time laces were three seconds to long.
I counted 21 kisses
no wrong, just a few misses.

Now that we’re done,
I can feel the mark of your physical wishes.

My soul is love lifeless, as before we begun.

Dance with me in the street under the
streetlights flickering and stars crooning.

hand in hand
us and no one else
the lights
the stars
the silent music and

our hearts in orbit