i always romanticize
those past moments of
what i believe was
untainted happiness
because i am stuck in
the discontent of the
present moment, but
i'm always discontent
in the present moment
because i romanticize
those past moments
of what i believe was
untainted happiness.
i try to take life by the
throat but i don't have
the energy, and i don't
have the energy because i
have been trying to
take life by the throat.

i'm stuck in a cycle.
i am a fallen creature
and no amount of
effort or escape will
ever change the fact
of my dissatisfaction

but maybe i need
to give up and
accept that i am
dissatisfied, then
and maybe then
will i become
satisfied.

i swallowed the sun and
washed it down with a little inky night.
now wildflowers bloom in my heart
and light fills my mind. these
words are solar flares of a
fallen petal.

the price of it all--
welded lips of unspoken words.
now other people mishear
and believe i am speaking,
but it is only the wind
whistling through
my teeth.

now i find that,
being alone is silence,
but it is never quiet.

I've forgotten how dark winter can be.
I've forgotten what it's like drifting in
And out of reality and my dreams.
To be completely honest, I'm starving.
Though my heart is open wide for friendship
And love, I feel as if I receive none;
Not in this town filled with ghosts and demons.

I've forgotten what it's like to lie in
Bed with no hope for heat or restful sleep.
Insomnia infecting my tired
Mind, I walk the halls of my empty house.
Pale, I'm little more than a ghost myself.

I live two lives in this body and my
Other, more preferable one is so
Very far away, it seems like a dream.
Did I ever feel your arms around me?
Your warm breath stirring my hair as you slept?
Did I ever wake up to your kisses
Or your sleepy smile so close to mine?

Maybe it's just that the hour is late,
And that I have not received proper sleep.
Maybe it's just the cold freezing my soul
Or maybe it's me feeling things too deep,
But I'm starving with no one to feed me.

For weeks on end I whined to you
'Bout how I wanted to go home,
My room painted yellow and blue,
And my bed as soft as clouds' foam.

But quite frankly I'd forgotten
How cold my bed got this season.
Even my sheets made of cotton
Failed to warm me without reason.

In abundance, I now had space
To stretch my body out at will
Though I curl in my own embrace
Quiet on my side I lie still.

Now I think I would trade it all
For my small, tiny, narrow bed
And my desolate white brick wall
If you were next to me instead.

Darling, dearest, I will not waste
Your time pretending that I can
Understand what you are thinking
And the darkness inside your mind,
For all our demons are unique.

If I had a flashlight I would
Employ it to block the shadows;
Or better yet I'd use sunbeams
To completely **** whatever
It is that's holding you hostage.

You say your mind bursts like rotten
Fruit, but sweetie, it was plucked from
The Tree of Knowledge so with that
Much wisdom about love and sin
It's normal the weight caused the fall.

I wish I could be the one to
Save you and tell you how vital
You are to me, to everyone.
But I learned a long time ago
That you are your own heroine.

You'll save yourself as you always
Do, and along the way you will
Rescue others as you have me,
Though you will never realize it
And refuse to acknowledge it.

The path ahead may be long and
Hard and it's okay to be weak
Sometimes and we'll help carry the
Load when you fall down. Remember,
However, you must soldier on.

Some days I want to be surrounded,
by people,
and noises,
and new views.

Some days though,
I find myself most content,
with myself.