You know in the late afternoon when the light turns gold and bronze? And it seeps into windows in striking shafts that look like oil paint? And thousands of little points of light flutter and dance in it like tiny angels? Yeah... That... That is how you make me feel.

Every night I empty my heart, but by morning it’s full again
Slow droplets of you seep in through the night’s soft caress
At dawn I overflow with thoughts of us
And aching pleasure that gives me no respite
Love cannot be contained
The neat packaging of desire splits asunder
Spilling crimson through my days
Long languishing days that are now bruised tender with yearning
Spent searching for a fingerprint, a scent, a breath you left behind.

– Shamim Sarif, “I Can’t Think Straight”

If you were to look at me
What would you see?

My curves are too curved.
My stretch marks unsightly.
My hips are too wide
As is my back-side.
Not to mention...
My double chins.

Don't worry. I notice them too.
I critique and I catalogue,
Every time I look in the mirror.
I have an on-going list of my faults.
But I'm sorry to say
At the end of it all
Really and truly..
I love my body.

The way it moves when I dance to the music.
The sighs and the shivers it makes when you touch it.
The way that it perfectly bore my first child.
The creases that appear every time I smile.

Do I sometimes wish my stomach was a little flatter?
Do I long for it to not be so difficult to not be a little fatter?
Well..
Maybe.
Sure.
Yeah.

But I love it, the way it is today.
I'm sorry if that does not suit you.
But it's all I need for it to suit me.

The day I left you, I don't remember a whole lot.
I remember anger. Yelling. Crying. I remember feeling my heart being ripped out of my chest. I remember being scared.

The months following that fateful day, I don't remember a whole lot.
I don't remember a lot of eating, because I didn't.
I remember feeling lost.
I remember feeling terrified.
I remember barely being able to discern which was was up and which way was down.
I remember waking up and having to remind myself...
No, that wasn't a dream. Your heart is still broken.
I remember reminding myself to breathe, to get out of bed, to feed your daughter, keep her alive.
I remember feeling like a crazy person.

I remember feeling like the pain was never going to end. Like next week felt like a life time away, and a few months?
Felt like a death sentence.
I was supposed to live "a few months" without him??

I like to remind myself of the pain every once in a while.
I like to remember that it was a mountain that I climbed to get over you.
I like to remember what it was like, so that I make sure I never have to do that again.

You took a part of me. The part of me that believed in true love. The part that believed in "meant to be". The part of me that believed in fairy tales.

You took it.

But I don't want it back.

Today, I'm stronger, so much stronger.
Today, I'm a warrior. A survivor.

The person I am today wouldn't even recognize the weakling that you made me into.

The person I am today loves you, despite all that you've done to me. I love you because you are simply another struggling, hurting human being.
But I love you as nothing more.

You took part of me.
But I put something back in its place that no one can ever take.

I am not the curves of my body.
I am not the clothes that I put on to hide those curves.
I am not the person you think I am when those clothes do not do an adequate enough job for your liking.
I am not what you think about me.
I am not what you say about me.

I am not this outer shell that you see.
I am not my sexuality.
I am not any of those things you use to label me.

I am smart, sometimes capable.
I am thoughtful, sometimes brilliant.
I am sarcastic, sometimes caustic.
I am phenomenally woman.
But what I am is not any of those things.

I am not my thoughts.
I am not my jokes.
I am not my words or even my actions.
I am not any of the things I use to label myself.

What I am runs so much deeper.
If you get to know me,
Draw me out of my core,
You might be able to see it.
You'll know when you've caught a glimpse.
The indestructible, indescribable..
The exquisite, the beautiful...
The part of me that has always been and will always be.
The part of me that lends everything to itself.

So don't try to describe who I am.
Don't try to label me.
I am not a convenient definition for you understand.
I am so much more.

If I was a mountain

That soared towards the sky,

With craggy snow caps

And stormy grey eyes-



Then you'd be the clouds

That swaddled my peak,

That silenced my thunder

When I tried to speak.



If I was the earth

The desert, in fact:

With arid dry soil

And mud, baked and cracked-



You'd be the rain

The downpour that soothed;

The balm to my bruises,

Relief to my wounds.



If I was the Moon

In the indigo night,

With stars as my blanket

And silver; my light-



Well you'd be the Sun

Just always behind

That lent me your glow

And caused me to shine.