No matter what happens
I think I'll always wonder if I'm losing you
Even if we fast forward fifty years and you've been falling asleep in my arms
For the past forty-eight I think I'll still wonder
Its not a matter of me being insecure in myself
More just knowing how absolutely beautiful your insides look
And learning more as we go along I can't help but think
That I can't give you all the things that you deserve
Maybe no one can but that won't stop me from thinking you deserve a better life
I just need you to know that I don't have a lot going for me
You should be aware of the fact that I'm a dreamer and I might not make it
Someday down the line I hope to be able to pay my own bills with my own creations
But right now I am completely incapable of supporting myself never mind someone else
Just don't forget that you mean so much to me
And if things work out for us I want you to know that I'll try my best to keep us from drowning
I'm not going to hesitate to say that I'm scared of the future because I thought I would know more by now
I had hopes that I would be well on my way to feeling ready to settle down somewhere with someone
But the truth is I know nothing about what to do with this life I've been given
Isn't there supposed to be a time when everything clicks and it all starts to make sense
How is it possible that in the very near future I'll be sitting down with my father for a cold beer
But I still have no understanding of how the universe works
One of the last remaining comforting thoughts that I have
Is that we could learn all of this together
Maybe we could teach ourselves how to live
A life filled with satisfaction
If you want
*~W.C.

With honesty
hiding under that
Big breathe filling both cheeks
That you can’t seem to
Fully exhale through
Tucked between
Two shaking hands
As you realize
Your power
To change the world

With vulnerability,
Just behind that
Wall Of fear that you can
Unlock
By meeting someone eyes
And simply letting them
Love you.
It’s there
In that moment
Of admittance You're not
Invincible
And allow a
Loving hand
To help guide you
Through

With Forgiveness,
Of the woman
Who told you
You couldn’t,
The dad
That chose alcohol
Over you,
The girl
In middle school
That had you hiding
In the bathroom stall
Crying to your mom

With Christ,
Who has felt
It all
Gives you
A place
Where you’ve always belonged
Of love
Courage,
And Strengrh.
Healing,
Redemption,
And understanding.

Must not,must not,will not,got not choice the inner voice persists,
insists on having things its way and I have got no say in that.I am
trapped in the flat monotone of a drone in my head and everything that's said
I have to listen to.
My ears are turning blue with suggestions based on baser instincts,I think the
whole thing stinks but there's nothing I can do.
The passing years has not mellowed it,it still gives me a lot of **** but if I sit and hold my head between my hands and pray it doesn't have a lot to say but I can't stay like that all day.
I have no choice but to move and listen to the voice.

I am a very simple person.
I am not an easy person,
But I am simple.
And here is the thing:
Either you WILL **** me
Or you WILL save me.
I see you looking for your way out
But darling
I told you this was how it was
The moment I met you.
I knew you'd get here and I told you so.
And now...
Now either you will make me suffer
Or you will make me smile.
And I wish it weren't so
But neither of us has control of that anymore.

i remember all summer whenever i saw you
i couldn't help my mind wander,
lost in forests of thoughts like
what your skin would feel like with my breath
creating steam on it,
cooing soft words under it.

i remember when we smoked cigarettes by the creek,
cool water slapping our feet
like
angry mothers.
i wanted to take off your clothing
right then and there and latch onto you,
drown you in the angry waters of my desire.

i remember the first time
i touched you,
it was our skin lit up in green light,
and your mouth was filled with tobacco
and your skin whispered
as the park bench creaked
below us.
my lips were swollen
and slightly red
a whole hour after.

i like when you get angry,
and the emotions run across your face like a
faucet, dripping water.

if that's the case,
i want to be soaked.
shower me,
and use your mouth.

all i've been thinking about
since dawn is
will you have grown your hair? if you did, would
you let me run my fingers through it, as you
lay your warm face on my pulsing stomach,
like you sometimes do?
when i come back, will you still have that
small bit of scruff like chopped down trees,
with the trunks still attached
on the dark soil?
will you still hold my waist
moving me up and down like the rhythm of your breath,
rising in your chest like bread?

i'll feed my lips to yours,
you can eat them whole.
i want you to bathe me,
and devour me
all at the same time.

I want silence
7 minutes
Without you in my head
5 minutes
Where the bustle of this so called life is muted
And the next 23 seconds
To just breathe without feeling so much shame

I spend an ungodly amount of time
Washing away your memory
My last shower lasted
49 minutes, 37 seconds
I can still smell gin and your musky cologne
Sometimes I feel clean...almost whole
Today I feel filthy, stained with past violence

Someone said that memories eventually fade
Slowing bleeding away into nothing

They lied

© 2013- 2014 Peach

2012
the boy was like sun rays falling from a blue sky. his hair was shining blonde and flew in the wind, his eyes were the perfect blue, azure like a pure sky, tranquil like a warm sea. he was bones and skin, but knew not the weight of sin. he was on a quest for ataraxia, he was selfless, he was kind. he had wings and a halo shining above his blonde head, he was my guardian angel for a year and 2 months. he was the ambulance, he was the desire. he was the first. when the "hospital" prison gates came clamoring shut on my face, he ran far, far away. he found another shining blonde head with sky blue eyes to bury his love into. the distance was our downfall.

2013
the boy was earthy, he was brown eyed like oak trees, his veins the limbs, his heart the roots. i poisoned him with nicotine. we kept our brown eyes in the forests with polluted rivers running astray, we told our secrets with no fear. he was selfish, he was keen on his own way. he could not see past his own eyes. brown and murky was his world, diseased ones followed him home. he tried. i tried. we failed.

My biggest hope,
collides with my greatest love,
what is there to cope,
when the realest thing you know,
is your greatest foe,
your greatest dream,
clashing with your greatest desire,
setting your soul on fire,
I just am split,
needing to think and sit,
voice getting low,
and them trying to make you feel like your the world,
but my world was building up to it,
bit by bit,
I have craved them,
but there is no going back,
because my heart doesnt know truth from fact,
I want to have it the most,
to beable to boast,
saying, "this is mine world and it will be greater than I could ever dream",
stuck inside which side to fight for and which side to lean,
I need to contemplate,
which one is right,
which one will be with me in the end of the night,
they have experienced the awesome bliss,
of someone that they always miss,
and I am just standing still,
what happens when you have to decide your thrill,
to decide your future on one or more,
there is no rhyme to help, no score,
so I just end up feeling sore,
and sad,
because I have to decide between a love I dont want to let go,
or a son or daughter I may never know.