You're weak
because you think yourself stronger than other men.

you are a skin that i shed
made of fine silk that i toss into the waste bucket
along with the dinner scraps of yesterday.
to me,
you have no meaning
other then the feeling
you temporarily fill my chest with.

let them go
shop around
and
try a new one on

do you like the feeling that this one gives you pressed up against your skin?

this is all temporary you know that.
but they don't.

so let him *******
on his bed
in the morning
and let him build you a kingdom out of pillows
if it helps
cushion the blow
of you realizing that you truly have no sense of self.
he will teach you
how to forget
and you will walk away with his personality
and never look back..

i never asked to be this way
to not be me
not me
me

i share this body
with you
and her
and everyone i let in

we take turns playing
with this body
and pulling its strings
but
i am running on batteries and time
and my juice is quite low.
i am an apathetic android
in need of more soul
for
this situation
and i've just run dry
of everything

if only you could peer inside this dusty head
and see the inter clock work
that makes me the way i am
clean the cobwebs and confusion
out of the corners

blue wire
  to red

if only you could  turn back time and fix me.

i'm so tired of being tired.
i carry these rickety bones
around like extra baggage
long and far
left moving in motion like an old carousel that should have stopped working long ago
i'm there for the laughs and the smiles
always there but forever absent
on a mental vacation you could say
i am something you will grow fond of and eventually leave
and that's okay
see,
i'm not the type of girl your mother warns you about
i won't break your heart like a bottle of whiskey after having a little too much
i will stand by your side until the day my bones snap from carrying the weight of the  world
and my name turns into a r.i.p scribbled on a gravestone.

he wrote you poem after poem
with broken fingers

taught you how to shoot a gun
with the safety on

he

showed you how to love

without
a
heart.

walking home in the rain
with "i'm alrights" hanging over your head
sad sayings you tell even sadder souls
you meet on the bus
over yonder


they sit in the back.
eyes
trained on you
waiting for you to answer the question marks they carry on their heads
and the burdens they carry on their shoulders
and when they need something or want to talk
they look to you
for breif bits of carbon dioxide
trade offs.
they're
spitting tongues
moving like motors
you sit and listen to the hum as it lulls you to sleep
but you're still here right next to them and  
you are
exchanging laughter now
that is
muffled by padded rooms behind your teeth.

it's five am
&
the worlds just starting to wake up

but
this silly little heart of mine is still either asleep or numb
ive learned i can't tell the difference.

intricate grooves
in wood
feel like keys
that take me too
doors i have never seen.
the
indentations,
tell stories
through sweaty fingertips
and numb lips.
time is the leaves that fall out of your ears
while playing a game of peekaboo behind your eyes.

doubt has turned me into an animal,
and love has surely turned my soul into a beast
so to fix this silly little heart of mine
i need to keep myself covered in roots to keep me grounded
and  build up walls of bark around me to stay strong,
swallow my thoughts
with a glass of water
and with a smile on my face
let the thrill of the unknown
and adventure
take over
because

*for today, the forest lives within me.

you have a sunbeam smile
like all the others
it reflects off your spectacles
and sets

the

    world

       on
fire.

the world is your ant hill
and
you leave me scampering for safety.

I love and forgive all of you.
I'm sorry.

wild waves fade like the curly cues in your hair
urges are kept under the staircase
and the tips of your
fingernails.
winter worries
wonder if you're good enough to carry on.
but you carry on
still.
you walk barefoot
through the pine cones
and underbrush
to meet her.
the one who you once felt was the same.

hello familiar friend.
you are a stranger now.

i have a tumbleweed heart, by nature.
it's been this way since i was born
and the disease is incurable
there is
nothing we can do now
except say goodbye
to the person i once was that they use to love so deeply
whatever they saw in me is now swept
away
like the **** on your kitchen floor
whatever memories you hold in your heart of me are now gone
and in the garbage disposal
(somewhere right next to my heart)

it won't be long now
i can feel it taking over.

the winds picking up
and we both know
it's not going to take much to ******* away. from you.

people ****.
i grew up too fast.
and lost my favorite shoes on the walk back home
to georgia

       daddy said he didn't want me to come home
and momma' said she's leaving him for some other man
with more hair
   and money

and i,
         i've been waiting too long to see the sunrise
  it's been a few days since it's all really dawned on me

that

i

cant get away from
                  this
place.


i tripped on a pebble and broke my neck as i was writing this sentence
what a funny place the world is
when you see it
    upside down.


it was raining on
my walk back home to georgia
and i was running on exhaust fumes.
and might i say the condensation on car windows really does
come in handy
when you need to evaporate
from everyones elses
existence


please
just
don't shake your fists at god
when  i get home
and
leave footprints
on your canary yellow tile floor

i didn't mean to leave in such haste.
i'll tell you i'm sorry if that's what i think you want to hear.

just two thousand eight hundred and eighty seven more miles to go
and there will be
dinner on the table
when i get home
the legs wobbly  
and the floor caving in
and
that is how i will remember this place..

but
   mom made chili tonight

i hate chili
it
always reminded me of dog meat
and for that i curse this world.

i've detached myself from everyone
all my friends
all my family
they
don't seem to understand why I'm not happy
but happiness isn't something you buy, it isn't something that get with a side of mashed potatoes or pork chops
its a lifestyle.. A life style that every part of me ******* yearns for
i can't be happy here
looking at all your sad faces
all your self pity
i have enough of my own

all i have to say anymore is *******
to every single friend i have ever had that didn't even care enough to ask me if i was okay
*******
mom for leaving me
******* Josh, for ******* me over
**** this world
******* all , thank you.

I've packed the bags from under my eyes, up with best regards to you
and goodbyes.

let's look with eyes that are not our own
and
love every nook and cranny of this earth
with our small
young hands.

i will go anywhere with you..
do anything with you.

you just have to promise that you won't let them hold you down
if you want to run

you just have to promise
to kiss trees instead of boys
if your heart tells you to do so.

this name that they have branded you with
doesn't belong to you

it is not a limitation
unless  
you let it become one.

take off your clothes with me
and throw away
those keys
life was meant to be lived
without price tags
attached
to the small of your back
and your skin on sale for fifty percent off ..

and don't listen to a word anyone else tells you
unless you believe it to be true.
we are the light
and they choose to be surrounded by their own darkness.
they will not dim us
as much as they try.

silly people.

haven't they ever thought of the price they pay
when they use that piece of plastic
to buy themselves
yet another mountain
of worthless
garbage
.

what will a few
gold necklaces
and diamond rings
matter
when you're on your deathbed
exhaling your last little breath..?


why not run around the world twice
and tell your children
stories by the campfire of all your adventures
instead of passing on
some
stupid
sentimental
family airloom onto the next sorry sucker
that gets his *** dropped into this world.

it's not all your things
or your plastic faces
your cars
the things you do
or the way your treat children

it's your ******* personalities.
(or should i say lack there of)

so go
stuff your Gucci perfume down your throat
i don't want your chemical cynide
touching my skin
anyways,

i don't need to smell like a flower to be human and either do you.

go
**** your Prada bags
and your fancy cars
your homes
and your trophy wives

or if you're into that
have them *******.

i'm going to be looking down on you all from a mountain
and laughing
so hard
and
smiling so bright
that an avalanche crashes over your
sorry city
and you all get buried six feet deep in snow with all the things
you've
neglected for so long.

will you take my hand and do the same as i do..?

i'm going to
kick off my shoes
and unlock my shackles
feel the earth soak in between my toes
instead of feeling hot asphalt on my soles.

i am going to
brace hurricanes and swim against the sea
until my body gives out
from fighting
the world

and
it may be hard for you to understand why i break boulders with my toungue
or why
i don't want to go back home to the arms of people that love me
but that's okay
just
hold my hand
and
smile
like the whole world is watching


i don't need you to comfort me
when people call me a fool
or make fun  
of the things we do

there doesnt have to be words spoken between us
because
there are no words to describe how we feel

this is
what it's like to have found
your soulmate
this is what it is like
to be alive

this isn't me trying to heal
from some pathetic broken heart
this isn't me in some sort of manic eposiode scrambling for my sanity
this isn't me trying to numb myself down so i don't feel pain
from something that happened ten plus years ago in my childhood
this is me now
these are the streets i walk
and
this is who i am

absouletley.
     positively.
    nothing.

you
my child

you've embraced
this curse
that we've brought upon ourselves as a species.

you've become sick with greed.
your scales have turned Green
like the ocean of sin
you swim yourself through.

you swim with a different school now, "power in numbers" they say
but you had the power in you all along.

you just chose to deny yourself the pleasure of filling the same shoes (fins) as the rest of us.

you miss the days when the waters weren't sick
and the sun shown brighter
but you destroyed the world one step at a time
by conforming into what you're not.

It goes against nature
without saying
that
you
shed your
skin to be something as minuscule as
a minnow  

you sparkle
like the sun
kisses
the top of
the
ocean

and you give me sea salt kisses
when you say my name

but darling
as much as you may have yourself fooled

in the great blue,
in a sharks belly
in this shipwrecked heart


you
my child.

my little fishy friend.

you're still just like all the rest of them.

we are the leather jacket kids
riding the subway
with our music too loud
and people tell us to stop
but we don't stop
we keep running
always running
never getting tied down.

this city is on fire
and
the skyline looks like burning cigarettes. we will inhale
this place and the next
and breathe
it all out like    
    


                       e
                     k
                 o
            m
  s

im not skyhigh with this feeling of feeling
i don't like it when my heart floats in my chest
or when he watches the stars and holds my hand like im some type of catch
i can tell you right here and right now kid, that i might as well be the rusty metal handlebars on your first bike.
i may look strong
but i can promise you that i am not.
you can pedal me long and far
but eventually
i'm gonna
give out.
give up.
and
give your heart away.

so what's the use in loving someone (something) so temporary?

i hardly know you
but i know that
you make me fly
and
i'm afraid of heights.
                     (you)
                           .

          as much as i wish you were
we're just not on the same plane of understanding, darling
i fly so high that i get lost in the clouds
and you're hanging onto my toes
digging your claws into my legs
can't you see that
I just want to be free..?

sooner or later
things are going to fall apart.
we are going to fall.
and
this love boat is bound to go up in flames.
nothing lasts long with me
the sharks in my head will chew you up and spit you out
and
ill eat away at your heart until nothing is left.
and yes
i know
that you can see the guilt in my ocean eyes
i admit that
i'm the sea monster who comes up and steals all your love, dear sailor.
i only take it from you
so you don't give it to her

i want your love
as much as a scubadiver
wants a ships anchor on their chest.

but the suffocating is kind of lovely, in its own way.

ive grown attached to you like the barnacles on my brain..
you're a pain
but i think i want you around

at the same time
you make me want to inhale all the ocean into my lungs
And sink to the bottom.
become like i once was
lost.
nothing.

and our plane has crashed
and i've broken my fragile wings like glass
on the fall into
this ocean
and this story i cried for you
be careful, tread some water
and
dont cut yourself on the glass I leave behind.

your the wreckage
and im the girl in shambles on the beach.
my heart didn't survive,
my emotions died
but you saved a little sliver of your love to feed the beast inside me.

i think i like you
but i thought i liked him
and he forced me
to bed
and tied me down with ropes
that felt like lies
and tasted like salt

and now i am
nothing,
   but a hermit crab


*trying to find a new shell.

his bed was cold
and made of tombstone
and his sheets were starchy and made my skin crawl..

but
i still layed in the grave he dug for me
and
i shut off the lights in my head
And I sealed my eyelids shut with ice
so the rivers of emotion wouldn't seap through.
he had bought my skin for the night
he had bought my soul
so I layed there  
trying to dream up an excuse to escape the reality of his skin on mine
and
In my dream
I had built a house
a really pretty house
out of sticks and stones that can't break my bones
and in a place where the sun always shined
but now that I'm waking up
the woods rotting and there's maggots in the floor boards
from all the girls innocence that you murdered here
and all the walls and doors that I built up
you tore down
how am I supposed to hide
from a monster like you
In a place reduced to wood chips..?
And now since all the ***** hit the fan
and youre six feet under my skin
do you mind telling me
why you call your bed your tombstone
while you're very much alive and breathing
and i'm the one left dead?

they all come to watch
eyes ******* me
like i'm some kind of *****
they say they want more then just kisses
and desire more
then late nights at your house.
they want to wake up next to you in the morning
and
leave flowers by your gate.

the thought tickles you
and makes a little chuckle build up in your throat.
the thought of yourself caught up in something
like
love.
so you think to yourself
what a fun little game
why not play along..?
they do play the part well after all

they tell you what they think you want to hear
cram the lies down your throat
And before you can tell them the words on the tip of your tongue
They suffocate you with there lips.
they kiss you with there eyes
sweep the hair out of your face
and hold you tight
and you can see
as you look at them shaking
just
how much
they crave
to touch the only thing that can't be touched


your silly little
                heart.

i jumped into a well
to welcome you into my waters

leapt to my death
only
to catch you breathing
.

you see me on the streets
i see you driving by
we pretend we are strangers
and we turn our backs to each other
as if dancing a forbidden dance.

only later
in the cover of darkness will you call me back to the alley way
so we can **** like wild animals
and play with all our broken parts.
i always wondered if your body ever gets tired
of dancing the same dance
if
you ever get sick of chasing the same feeling..
or is it just primal..?

natures way of telling you
that your purpose here on earth is to reprouduce and nothing more.

you make it look so easy

making love.

you seem weightless
even though you carry so much on your back.

and i,
i am heavy
my Intestines are full of questions
and i swallow bricks
to keep
them
down
.

i lay there
empty eyes staring up at the ceiling
as you kiss me
and ***
your body tired
you make yourself a bed
next to my bones
and collapse in a heap along side my skeleton.

with your arms around me
your hands entangled in mine
i smile
but
i have never felt more alone.

acid snow
falls down upon a perfect world.

droplets of
broken
bottle
happiness
sit on your roof
and
drip off the
brains gutter
into the
dopamine sewer.


im talking about the place i call home
where
rainbow
kerosene
puddles
lead into a perfect paradise
if you close your eyes

im talking about that feeling you get when you
reach that milestone
in your life
where you finally hit the bottom of that bottle your mom keeps on the highest shelf
when
your fourteen and your head feels a bit fuzzy
and
for the first time
you lose your sense of feeling
and
they have to open your tired eyes
with crowbars
and your parents laugh when you stumble the sad city streets and you fall down the stairs
on your way back home

you saw things for what they really were too quickly
and they tried to **** you for it

so you packed up the bags from under your pupils
and
with your sad little
blueberry eyes
you left in the night
and ran barefoot through the
snowy woods.

you know in your heart
that it doesn't get any better then this.

the faces of friends
and city signs are already
        being washed away

       **we are all
just melting against the
   back
       drop
     .

i kept my mouth shut
and my eyes closed
when my limbs were pinned to the bedsheets.

i dreamed the dreamiest of dreams
when
i needed to
forget the feeling
of you inbetween my legs.


your sheets.
sticky.
starchy even.

cotton waves that tickled my skin
and crashed over me.

my hands pinned.
like the games you use to play with your brother,
to see who was stronger.

his breath on your shoulder.
cold.
huffing
in your ear
as his icicle fingers traced your skin.


it wasn't supposed to be this way.
your body seems to chime

you shiver and shake

scared or cold
it's all the same.
never seemed to matter.

he tears off your skin
and eats it
as he finishes with you
he wants you fully naked.
fully humiliated.

you crumple into yourself
arms wrapped around you like wings

you were ready to fly away that night.
but for some reason you didn't

legs to your chest
fetal position
proved nearly fatal as you lay next to him that night.

waking up next to that boy was the hardest thing you ever had to do.

the only witnesses to the crimes he committed on your skin
we're your legs
and they wouldn't stop shaking...

it's a bit chilly.
but you warm yourself up anyways
and throw on your clothes.
paint
on
a smile
and
  choke on the denial
after all
that's the way they dealt you your cards.

you were never good at keeping your poker face
or a straight face for that matter
but
boy, oh boy
did you have them all fooled.


hello. world.

it's me,
another unstable,
teenager.

open your presents,
act shocked;
what a supprise.

hello.
world.
   you will forget me.




just let go.

just. let. him. go.

but he stole the only thing of value to her
and
got away with it too.

that silly heart thief, that silly life ruiner.
that silly boy.


he got to get everything he wanted
and

didn't even look back.

so why should she let go.. why can't he give it all back..?


so when she cries,
and she cuts herself open.
sheds her skin for you to see
and spills her guts.

just know it's not her at this point, it's second nature

to
try to be whole again.

she never will though. she knows it.
the nostalgia will always be there and there's nothing she can do to get those memories back
and there's no where left to run
except straight back into his arms
straight back where she started
and
she might as well be walking backwards because she isn't making any progress and here she is again spending another night crying on the bathroom floor

she wants to tell the truth to you
she wants you to know why
she cries.
and gets scared.
but she settles for the bathroom tiles

she mumbles against the cold floor
lips trying to move but can't

she's holding herself up
barricading the walls that are just too weak

but these bricks and these lies are just too old
and these arms just aren't strong enough to hold the weight of the world anymore.
so
she crumbles
and she fumbles
and she folds
and her whole empire has fallen down around her..

she still sees you around town
and you can't help but rub it in

so
tell me,
what the **** do we do now.

now that we've ruined this place

now that you've ruined this heart

now that i have no where to go

no one to love

and

nothing to be.





i guess i can't expect you understand.

any of you.

i guess i can't expect to get it either.

but for some reason

*i do.

for some reason i do.

bind my wrists with barbed wire
and tell me you love me
hold me hostage with the hope in your eyes
andd if you ask ever so, not nicely..

i'll reach into my pockets
and
trade you some sanity,  if you give me your love.

if you look closely
under the moonlight tonight,
you will see that my vertebrae
mimics
the shape of birds taking flight..
darling boy,
see,
ive been a little bent out of shape since you left  
im walking around with a part of me missing and
i don't think you understand that i see you in everything i do..

but ill be fine
in the morning ill stretch my wings (arms) up to the sky
and
*maybe tomorrow
you'll think of me.

smoke it on the daily
i do
and
i left the last batch near the window.
the only thing these days waiting on me to come home.

i have an addiction
and it all started
with
you
.

it is thursday today and
for reasons i don't remember
the exterminator is
coming

but i've been hiding out
in my hidey hole
under the patio
playing with needles
all day
and it seems like i have already missed him

he left a note on my door
telling me that there are
bombs in the house
but
i guess
it won't make a difference.

it's already a chemical warfare in these veins
and
nothing i'm not use too

closed into this skin
i won't let myself
out to see the world
too much restraint
the handcuffs are too tight
and i know i'm killing myself
but i also know they won't miss me

grown accustomed
to
this muggy air
and the lack
of
love in my lungs
i have

you can't
phase
the unphaseable.  

i open
the door and wait on the porch
for someone to invite me in
even though this is my home
and chivalry is dead.
sometimes
i expect my love
to great me at the door
but
we play a constant game of hide and seek and i haven't been able to
find her for ages.

the rain has stopped and
my vampire hands
have ceased to shake..
by the time
i
step inside.

the freshly lacquered linoleum floor
hits me in the face with a waft of lemon scented chemicals.
and i know now that
someone has been cleaning
but i purposely don't take off my shoes
and
this smell
of orchard lemon trees
is the false pretense of safety that
dances around my nostrils and tucks me into bed at night

this is home.
for now.
and
i
  guess
    it

  will
have
to
do
    .


i walk in a circle
as to not upset the balance of things
turn on the record player
and
find myself a chair in the kitchen.
only
to witness a symphony of
spiders
fall to the floor
and crumble up into
themselves
with  one
single
crescendo
.

everything is dying
and the air
is barely breathable
but i find comfort
in the thought of you
still loving me through it all.

i'll be sure to call this exterminator again
he really did do a swell job.
even took care of all the cobwebs  
on my bookshelf
which i haven't used in years
because its
where i keep our cardboard box full of memories  
hidden
behind the great gatsby and the
apocalyptic books
i tried to make you read
in hopes of you maybe seeing the beauty in such darkness
but you never liked them anyways
and you stopped reading my poetry
a long time ago
so who was i really kidding
other then myself?

it's newly November
and i hope it snows this year
i don't need a scarf
or mittens
because
i can feel your warmth even though you're not welcome in my house anymore  
and i can feel your lips on my neck
and your hot breath
whispering
***** little secrets to my skin

your hickeys we're love notes written in flesh
but of course bruises were your signature trade mark.

the thought of you calling my name
kills me
even quicker
then
this poison that enters in through my pores
and kisses my bloodstream like
an old family friend

i am not scared
of it
though

in fact i don't even flinch

after my experience with you
i am now an expert at dancing with the devil

i am brave
not fearless
no,

merely

immune to things that try to **** me
whilst loving me to pieces.

i'm telling you now, leave.
i'll give you this one warning
before
i pull out my remington and shoot my lucky bullet straight into your heart.

too late

my boy, you're a soon to be dead man.
and me
i'm your death sentence.

make your last wish with pursed lips now.

i will do whatever i need too, to get you out of this head of mine.
i own this brain as tortured and mushy as it is
and you're merely trespassing.


you're the kid they use to shove into lockers, gone rouge.
the kid who's now well, not really a kid at all.

you hangout with the jocks these days,
go to a school full of yuppies
yeah. we all know your type and what you've turned into.

your transparent
might as well be glass.

generic.
simple.
gross.

but that lifestyle changed you into something new
and you morphed into something without a name

you were weak and
this world broke you.

that boy i fell in love with all those moons ago is dead now.

oh, well
time to go


so
here's the door.
and
there's  your shoes..

don't cut yourself too deep on the barbed wire
when you try to fit your pores through that fence


actually do

maybe then you won't come back and  will have finally learned
not to fight
fire
with
fire
and fist with fist


maybe then you won't haunt the halls in my head or the walk back home  

maybe then,
maybe.
maybe some day.

Pull the plug on those big blue  bathtubs for eyes
once you've let your tears surround
you knees like the great big sea
and let your eyelashes become whispering sand
that stings your cheeks with sea salt kisses
and let your hands become seagulls that fly away
or sea lions that sink to the bottom of your bathtub
spiraling down
in a crystal whirlpool
right
past your eyes
trickling down your nose
and
into
your mouth

winter
lumberjack.
   six four.
too tall
     for the trees.
scared them so  
    silly they'd
  shake.

we are the uprooted flowers
the ones
left nameless

torn out by toddlers hands
to churn the dirt
and make mud pies..

and after the fun is done and the sun has set
we are
strewn across
the walkway
as if we never mattered to each other...

we're all just animals dressed in skin suits
trying to be something more

and i'm so sick
of everyone keeping a cool head
and being the only kid with a temper tantrum
at this timeless tea party

i don't want sugar in my ******* tea, okay.

i don't want to play this sick game  anymore.

pour me my poison
and get the **** on with it.

i don't want to be politically correct
i don't want to follow the footsteps that society has imprinted in the sand
i don't want to pray to a God I know for a fact, died a long time ago
and i most certainly don't want to hold your hand and fall in love.
so pour that out the window
along with your hopes and aspirations.
this isn't a place for dreamers after all.


so please.
world are you listening..?

cut the ****.

i'm already filled to the brim with hate and stale tea
i don't need any more sorrow to drown in
or any more sugar coated **** to swallow

please
undress me
from this coustume that i spend so much time
trying to convince myself i am

get me naked
shine the stage lights on me
and
show me my real skin

and when your finished with me world.
after you've gotten your fill, of course.

tuck me into bed with rusty nails
blow the city lights out like candles
seal up my casket
and until forever
and
the next day

leave me be.

I grew out of my skin before my tenth birthday.

and left my childhood innocence stranded somewhere on the city streets for a couple of bucks
And
I never really liked the twist and turns of the highways here but they've always felt the closest to home
always lost, always moving in the wrong direction.

I've sold my soul to demons without names
and I'm guilty of falling in love with places more then people.

I grew out of my skin like I grew out of my mind
slowly and then all at once.

the whispers in the hallways
feed me the same
"stray in the reins of society, it will guide you, *******"
telling me I'm taking the wrong path
But they can't tell the sea from the shore

and I would have
drifted for years in my own tears;

*if the ship didn't sink and take my ignorance with it..

my     words
have
suddenly
transformed
                       .
                into   vapor

and im trying
my hardest to
remember how to breathe

  them back
into my dehydrated lungs
    so i
can understand
again
what it's like to really
   be       alive
         .

ive spun my web  
and caught little morsals
to pick my teeth with

and when ive
finished eating there skin
i use their bones
as instruments
to make something beautiful out of what they've left behind

i am innocent in less otherwise proven guilty
but no ones on the case

and with a smile of deceit on my face  the whole forest listens to
the melody of my eight legs cascading across my web
as
I pluck the strings
and make music
out of  dying screams
and the breaking of bones.

snakes wrapped around my arms
like handcuffs they leave my wrists swollen
and
kissed
with baby bruises.

chills.


they wriggle like worms in the palms of her hands
as
the snakes in her hair protest against her scalp

she slides right past me
prickles, the goosebumps on my skin
her scales pressed against my back.
hands like granite..
she whispers in my ear.
her words
f
a
l
   l
i
g

out hoarse
and
   flat
right on top of my thick
skull

she tries one more time
to get me to look at her.
she wants me to understand the pain in her eyes.
but i close my eyes
and tie my eyelashes shut

so she can't slip in
so im not tempted to look at her in all of her
horribly
  chilling
       glory
       .

but the snakes still try to slither  in through the cracks in my exterior.
they come out of her head
flick there forked tongues in my direction
and slither into me.

there cold blooded eyes staring right into mine

*i can't help but shiver as if it's winter.

your hands are pale
fingernails sharpened like swords
hands like shackles;
wrapped around my fleshy ankles
you drag me down to the depths of yourself, and expect me to swim us both to shore
but, the current snapped my bones
and you broke my heart a long time ago..

i am just the sea foam now
the froth that beats against the rocks
like a prisoner against bars.

i'll sacrifice myself to the sharks and the sea monsters,
let them rip my beating heart out
if it means you'll just look the other way.

around you, i am a little girl lost in the waves
trying to call out but no one can hear her

and i swear,

**you will be the death of me.

you were a moth with singed wings
flicking too and fro above a dying fire
and red cigarette embers shined through the night brighter then stars
as you flew into the one thing that could **** you
the one thing you found so imposible to leave.

your wings were tattered blankets
that you wanted me to take shelter in
but i would rather be colder then smolder in a broken hearted love..
a love dependent on our hearts being just as black as our lungs

i kept you in bars
like i kept myself
and wrote poetry on my ribcage for you to read
and i cried when you left
or when you taunted me
but i swear to you, it was not love.
love isn't imprisoning someone;
love is freeing above all else

but
i never told you that
each night when i caught you trying to kiss another through the bars of my bones..

i tried to unhinge you,
unshackle you from my hopes and dreams.
i was letting you go
i was letting you free
i was never a monster, at least not like you.
but you tore away
left without compensation
and now broken bones and bruises are all i have to make up for the goodbyes you never said and the i love you's you never meant.

She fell in love with his sun beam smile,
and the way he glistened when he talked about cars and country music.
and he fell in love with her hurricane eyes.

destructive, yes.
but
simply

**unstoppable.

everybody liked me better when i was on drugs.
and i liked everyone better
without their
hot  heads
and sour sober tongues

chilled  to
the bone.
emotionless.
numbed up on cherry

coke

is what pleases this palate

like a dish best
   served cold
with a sprinkle of white trash garbage
and
a side of
i forgot i ever cared.

you
love
me so much
i can feel it
in my bones.

and
all i ever do is disappoint you.
it hangs in the air around you
and envelops our lungs as we struggle to breathe.

poison.

i've nuked our house with tear gas.
made everyone cry.
made everyone want to **** me.

spilt us into rifts.
glaciers
that float on the Antarctic ocean
thousands of miles apart.


no one wants to go home.
no one wants to pretend like we didn't cut and torture each other the night before
so we pack up our knives, guns, and other sharp things
stick em in our own backs
and go wallow in our sorrow.

we're hurt.
limping like fresh road ****
but we don't seek penance or first aid

instead,
we would rather die from what we don't understand.

we are predators merely mating for the night
for
at dawn you will leave
and
i will be
cultivating this monster of ours
in this barren womb of mine
alone

two months of glass and rusty nails
and we are both finally alive enough to feel the burn that is growing in our stomachs.

you are growing bigger.
and the days are growing closer.

i can feel your little devil horns poking holes in my lungs
as if it was yesterday.


there is no love in this child
because there was none put into it.

you came in november
when it was cold
and
i held you to my chest
like loving mothers are supposed to do...right?
and you feel so cold, child
you feel so cold.
there is no rhythm in your chest
and no sparkle in your eyes
you don't babble
or coo
or breathe
you just stare aimlessly into the stars
listening to the pitter patter on the rooftop.

still
-
born.

climbing out of your fleshy cage

shell
shocked.

jaw unhinged as if you don't know how to speak
and
of course
  you don't.


it's
as if your existence itself tore the world apart.

two more months, and it will be a year since you left.
and
i still have so many questions...

how come all i can write about is you
how come when it's late at night
and the dishes are *****
all i can think about is ball room dancing in the kitchen with you
and you laughing because i can't dance
for the life of me
and how come i still think of you ******* me against that cheap chinese made sink that always leaks
especially
in the heat of that one summer  
with
your mom
in the other room
and how we tried to stay quiet
but
ended up breaking into fits of obnoxious laughter

i always did love your one dimple
and how it always came out at the worst possible times

but ******* and **** your family
and **** all the lions in Africa
i don't need you to rule this world
or regain my pride

you opened your arms to me
and got so use to holding me  
tha you failed to realize that you started to hold me against my will

so
many nights
you drowned your common sense with that bottle of whiskey
and
so many nights you ate me like that birthday cake i made you
and so many nights you'd pin me down
and
**** me when
i was crying about my other ninety  nine problems
and i trusted you
and
you ended up being the worst one

and you would just hold me there
suspended in time
as you
****** away the day
and
my life
.

you just wouldn't let me go home.

my mom was in the driveway waiting
for me
and
i was too busy crying to notice.
shaken up
and over the top
like a cold coca cola.
waiting
for you to give me the okay
to put on my clothes
and buckle my seat belt
and lick the sticky sweetness of you off my lips..

do you
remember that one hot humid summer
when you hydroplaned
and crashed your car into that ravine
and nearly killed me
and all you were worried
about was the police figuring out
you didn't have insurance

and that guy with that lifted ford pulled your car out of that ravine and you laughed
and
shrugged it off
and sped away

well
despite what we thought
i died in that ravine
that day

and sometimes i wonder if you ever visit my grave
or hold me high in your head


do you..?


i want to go back in time
before the days
when no meant yes
and
your hands didn't feel like sandpaper

i want to tell you before you ever set your sights on a girl like me
to cut your loses
and let your expectations
and
me
  go.

i want to tell you all the things i hate about you
and that
i hate you for not letting me leave sooner.
and that i just
i hate you.

but
i
don't

in a twistedly
unexpected way


i think i forgave you a long time ago
but yet
i want to stab you in the throat and drink your blood like sweet wine..
so i can cherish
the ice that runs in your veins
and freezed
me over
all
those
frigid months ago
when no one bothered to save me.

when you leave bite marks on my arms
they turn a little rouge
and i end up trying to convince myself that they say i love you
even when your lips don't
it's quite chilly out and
your teeth marks still trace my skin with little indents
and little bits of her all caught up in your teeth.

goosebumps

it is now December
and my
skin crawls like a shedding snake
it's snowing and the days are really quite short
but i still remember the way your hands felt

even after they were inside of her.

leathery.
callous.

shivers

there's some cocoa by the fire place for us.
and
i put my lights up this year
in hopes that maybe you would come find me and call my arms home
again.  

but you never even looked back