you
my child

you've embraced
this curse
that we've brought upon ourselves as a species.

you've become sick with greed.
your scales have turned Green
like the ocean of sin
you swim yourself through.

you swim with a different school now, "power in numbers" they say
but you had the power in you all along.

you just chose to deny yourself the pleasure of filling the same shoes (fins) as the rest of us.

you miss the days when the waters weren't sick
and the sun shown brighter
but you destroyed the world one step at a time
by conforming into what you're not.

It goes against nature
without saying
that
you
shed your
skin to be something as minuscule as
a minnow  

you sparkle
like the sun
kisses
the top of
the
ocean

and you give me sea salt kisses
when you say my name

but darling
as much as you may have yourself fooled

in the great blue,
in a sharks belly
in this shipwrecked heart


you
my child.

my little fishy friend.

you're still just like all the rest of them.

we're all just animals dressed in skin suits
trying to be something more

and i'm so sick
of everyone keeping a cool head
and being the only kid with a temper tantrum
at this timeless tea party

i don't want sugar in my ******* tea, okay.

i don't want to play this sick game  anymore.

pour me my poison
and get the **** on with it.

i don't want to be politically correct
i don't want to follow the footsteps that society has imprinted in the sand
i don't want to pray to a God I know for a fact, died a long time ago
and i most certainly don't want to hold your hand and fall in love.
so pour that out the window
along with your hopes and aspirations.
this isn't a place for dreamers after all.


so please.
world are you listening..?

cut the ****.

i'm already filled to the brim with hate and stale tea
i don't need any more sorrow to drown in
or any more sugar coated **** to swallow

please
undress me
from this coustume that i spend so much time
trying to convince myself i am

get me naked
shine the stage lights on me
and
show me my real skin

and when your finished with me world.
after you've gotten your fill, of course.

tuck me into bed with rusty nails
blow the city lights out like candles
seal up my casket
and until forever
and
the next day

leave me be.

you offer your hand to me
as if i'm some type of dog.
shying away from your touch
i cower,
head hung low.


you get too close,
always too close.

i can feel the warmth of your fingers
as they hover above my skin

i feel almost safe
until you grab me

i bite your hand
you taste so bitter

please tell me why are you filled with bitter blood and bridges burnt?
don't tell me you don't know what it's like to feel pain
because i can taste it on your skin.

it exudes out of you like an odor that i can't get enough of

i crave it.
(you.)

but,
back behind bars i go
and we get back to that place where everything is okay
in your eyes

but i'm trapped
in mine

this was never love
this was never love
THIS NEVER WAS LOVE.

i rattle the bars
curse your name
and howl the blues with the wolves

i don't need to look you in the eyes to know that you despise me.

my teeth are sharp and my smile always did look like a snarl
and i cut you too deep to begin with
but i've never asked anything from you
in the seven hundred and thirty days that i've known your sorry ***,
so
please
just
this once
when you see me on the street
and drive by
as if
we never knew each other

free me from the ward of your heart
and set me free one last time..

i don't want to be remembered as the girl who gave you everything
i want to be remembered as the girl who took the rest of your humanity.
because we both know that's what i really did

look me in the eyes and tell me i didn't
destroy you.
tear you apart like a wild animal
from the inside out.


i'm not lying,
i promise you.
and him.
all of you.

im not crazy


just



**yet.

you
love
me so much
i can feel it
in my bones.

and
all i ever do is disappoint you.
it hangs in the air around you
and envelops our lungs as we struggle to breathe.

poison.

i've nuked our house with tear gas.
made everyone cry.
made everyone want to **** me.

spilt us into rifts.
glaciers
that float on the Antarctic ocean
thousands of miles apart.


no one wants to go home.
no one wants to pretend like we didn't cut and torture each other the night before
so we pack up our knives, guns, and other sharp things
stick em in our own backs
and go wallow in our sorrow.

we're hurt.
limping like fresh road ****
but we don't seek penance or first aid

instead,
we would rather die from what we don't understand.

I can let it grow on me but I can't keep anything off.
I can't keep clean.
The **** suckers had other plans anyway.

My guts are eroding.
I wrap myself in sheets and roll down the bank into the river.
Cold chemical baths for the sick and disorderly.

White noise money, millions  bet on a chance.
Escape the bad lighting and minimum wage.
Notice the disconnect between love and anything else.

It's cold crossing the bridge.
Even colder when empty eyes won't stop staring.
When I skinned my knee's everything didn't seem so bad.

But there you are, sitting on the curb laughing like a maniac.
I laugh too because this city never ate us whole.
It spit us out before it could even swallow.

Darker skinned breeds pale.
Those cold months are the worst. They say
“but you look so white”, the
insult
mixed breeds get. The sitting around,
lounging inside bleaches.
Indoors is to blame, something
surely created by whites to alter
the darker pigmented people. A created
space of normalcy, it requires upkeep
and a source from which to draw power.
Assimilate,
feel the fake light?
Satisfactory for who?
There is no greater trap.
You want confusion?
Step into a mixed breed’s mind.
The whole world becomes shades and I,
I am,
whatever the viewer wants, an in-between.
But winter,
So **** white,
She is the hardest.

i kept my mouth shut
and my eyes closed
when my limbs were pinned to the bedsheets.

i dreamed the dreamiest of dreams
when
i needed to
forget the feeling
of you inbetween my legs.


your sheets.
sticky.
starchy even.

cotton waves that tickled my skin
and crashed over me.

my hands pinned.
like the games you use to play with your brother,
to see who was stronger.

his breath on your shoulder.
cold.
huffing
in your ear
as his icicle fingers traced your skin.


it wasn't supposed to be this way.
your body seems to chime

you shiver and shake

scared or cold
it's all the same.
never seemed to matter.

he tears off your skin
and eats it
as he finishes with you
he wants you fully naked.
fully humiliated.

you crumple into yourself
arms wrapped around you like wings

you were ready to fly away that night.
but for some reason you didn't

legs to your chest
fetal position
proved nearly fatal as you lay next to him that night.

waking up next to that boy was the hardest thing you ever had to do.

the only witnesses to the crimes he committed on your skin
we're your legs
and they wouldn't stop shaking...

it's a bit chilly.
but you warm yourself up anyways
and throw on your clothes.
paint
on
a smile
and
  choke on the denial
after all
that's the way they dealt you your cards.

you were never good at keeping your poker face
or a straight face for that matter
but
boy, oh boy
did you have them all fooled.


hello. world.

it's me,
another unstable,
teenager.

open your presents,
act shocked;
what a supprise.

hello.
world.
   you will forget me.




just let go.

just. let. him. go.

but he stole the only thing of value to her
and
got away with it too.

that silly heart thief, that silly life ruiner.
that silly boy.


he got to get everything he wanted
and

didn't even look back.

so why should she let go.. why can't he give it all back..?


so when she cries,
and she cuts herself open.
sheds her skin for you to see
and spills her guts.

just know it's not her at this point, it's second nature

to
try to be whole again.

she never will though. she knows it.
the nostalgia will always be there and there's nothing she can do to get those memories back
and there's no where left to run
except straight back into his arms
straight back where she started
and
she might as well be walking backwards because she isn't making any progress and here she is again spending another night crying on the bathroom floor

she wants to tell the truth to you
she wants you to know why
she cries.
and gets scared.
but she settles for the bathroom tiles

she mumbles against the cold floor
lips trying to move but can't

she's holding herself up
barricading the walls that are just too weak

but these bricks and these lies are just too old
and these arms just aren't strong enough to hold the weight of the world anymore.
so
she crumbles
and she fumbles
and she folds
and her whole empire has fallen down around her..

she still sees you around town
and you can't help but rub it in

so
tell me,
what the **** do we do now.

now that we've ruined this place

now that you've ruined this heart

now that i have no where to go

no one to love

and

nothing to be.





i guess i can't expect you understand.

any of you.

i guess i can't expect to get it either.

but for some reason

*i do.

for some reason i do.