you didn't tell me to shed my skin..

peel off  all my insecurity's
all my faults
all the retired parts this world has broken inside of me
and plaster them onto a depressed collage of memories
and photographs


you didn't tell me to make sense of all the depression in my head
fight all of my demons in one on one combat
so I could put it on paper for you to read
but I did..
I fought wars to see you smile
Tried to tackle your fears and pain
just to hear that laugh of yours
but I wasn't enough
I've never been enough
not for me
not for you  
not for anyone.


I shed all of me when I stepped out of my clothes for you.

my heart was stitched into every part of skin
that you touched
and every part of me that you made alive again with the dance of your fingers


i didn't just take off my clothes
i clipped my wings for you..
i had so many chances to fly but i didn't
i had so many reasons to break down but i didn't
and
i would rather have my heart broken a million times then to break a single one the way you did.
and you know what? it's okay if you don't want me anymore.. its okay if your friends make fun of me
or if you make jokes about what we were
(you always were good at that)
or who i am
who i was
what i was
to be honest, you've ****** me dry of feeling
and
pretty much
robbed me of emotion
altogether
but its alright, really
there's a beauty in so much self hate
and
being so ugly
so worthless
so ******* disgusting.
and
maybe someday
one day
i wont think of your insufferable face
&
i'll finally have a reason to live for me
instead of everyone else.

i see
the way
you look
at my
skin
and
the want
in your
eyes
consumes
me.

It's scary to think that every thought I think has been thought of the same way at least a thousand other times
to think that every word I say has already rolled off the tongues of the people of the past
to consider even for a split second
That every face I see, has just been recycled time and time again..
It's scary to think that everything I thought to be true, everything I believed so strongly I was
Has disintegrated into nothing.

i want to let myself feel something again
i wish you knew how bad
but
i don't know how to breathe
let alone
love myself
let alone
be okay.
i want to feel something again..
i want to fall in love with the shape your lips make when you talk
and the way you ramble on in the late hours..

i want to fall in love with the imperfectness that is you

but i only have two hands and one brain
and i don't know how..
and
i may seem strong now
but im not
and i don't think i'll ever be
because no matter how hard i try

**my bones will always break
just as easily as my heart does.

everyday is a dream
full of monsters
that dance with me to the edge of my grave.
they're the kind
that make art out of peeling off their skin
and selling there souls
they call it
happiness.
emptiness.
what's the difference these days?
everyday is a nightmare of beauty
a dream full of monsters
flickering like flames to a fire, just waiting to die.
and
i want to press my bones against the lips of life
that open my eyes every morning but im too dead to breath..

You sat alone
like I always did
your eyes wandering aimlessly like a stray cat left out in the cold and from the moment I saw you I knew you were different..
your eyes told me that we were the same as I felt your heart beating through your bird ***** ribcage
You use to be such a fragile little thing before you learned how to hide it
The sight of a man could ******* you.. and ironically that's how you lived your last few years..
'home is where the heart is' they say
But when you died
My heart went with you.