I want to stop
Feeling things
In the way that I do.

I took what hurt me the most
And I embraced it.
I took *** into stride,
Even let it attach itself to my identity
Like a burr.

I welcomed men between my legs
To trick myself into believing
That I’m in control,
And then I got I sharp reminder I am not.

I am full of a lot of
Different people’s
Pain.
I drank until it didn’t hurt
I smoked until I couldn’t remember
Why I was sad
I let myself
Die inside.
Burned my body
From the inside out
Just to forget.

I don’t believe in happy endings.

I don’t believe I get to have everything
I ever dreamed of.

I believe in self destruction
In holding what kills you close
So you know when to keep your guard up
And that’s always.

I believe in God.
But I believe he made me as a side character
In a story I keep trying to be the protagonist in.

I believe in me
On my own
Without someone,
Because me
I can control

Dear Deb,
I moved out,
I have my own home.
I make dinner
And have friends over,
I support myself.

My heart aches for my family,
I miss them so much,
It’s only me to take care of now
And how
Do I do that?
It’s never been
Just me
Before.

The more time away
The more angry I get
At my brother
For what he did.
I can think clearly now
And I can see
Where mistakes were made.

I walked out of a sushi restaurant
Tears dramatically streaming down my face,
A man held my hand
And said he would miss “this”,
He would miss me.
And I walked out
Wordlessly.
I could hear you
In the back of my head
Saying I wasn’t a child,
I was a strong woman.

I let myself start talking to
This much older man,
Letting him feed
My need
For validation.
I could hear you asking why.

I’ve lost my center lately,
I miss having a good perspective.
But most of all,
I miss you.

It frosted good and hard last night
for it was twenty-eight degrees,
heat and humidity are now gone
so we’ll welcome the snow and bare trees.

But today the sun was shining bright
high in the November sky,
there never was such a shade of blue
to delight my searching eye.

The Burr Oaks dropping their golden leafs
no more Maples a fiery red,
the quaking Aspens are flattering maize
a warm quilt, to put the earth to bed.
~

I thought we could be
Maybe I thought
Happy

His little fingers are sticky
In the mysterious way
That a toddler’s always are,
But I still hold his hand
In the parking lot.

I started to love
The grass stained
Everyday
Life
In your family.
Suddenly I
Was at home
In a child
Holding me close,
Singing along to songs
In the car,
Shoulder rides,
And trips to the bathroom
Where I helped him wash his hands.

“I’m not going to lie,
I got a call from my ex wife
Yesterday.
The guy she was living with is gone.
I told her I might be interested in something in the future...”
He held my hand
And watched my face for reaction.
“But I want to see this through first.”

I’m a placeholder for her.
A hand to hold
When she’s not there,
Lips to kiss
When she turns away.

“I think there’s more to get out of this. I want to get everything out of this.”
You want to get everything out of me.

I warned him,
I was getting attached.
I never should’ve
Gotten attached.

I’m just a stand in Mommy.