Another sunset.

Another day of wondering if life is worth living.

Another hour contemplating the end of me.

I find myself so conflicted,
Yet very much at peace.

Serene.

In moments like these death feels like a promise from a loved one.

A beautiful promise one would hold close to one’s heart.

It feels like “I miss you” that actually means something.

For once, I am no longer angry.

For once, I feel alive.

How ironic.

Not numb,

Not lonely,

Not suffering,
But at one with the universe.

Of course life is a blessing and it is beautiful,
But I think I’m just one of those people, who were simply not made for it.

I hope I’m not scaring you with my words,
That is not my intention.

Goodbye Darling,
Perhaps we will meet again in another world.

Darling,

When you said that you were “very serious” about me,
Did you mean it?
I have feelings for you,
But I don’t like being played.
Let’s sort this out before it’s too late (rhyme).

To quote from Frank Sinatra’s ‘Fly Me To the Moon’,
- “Please be true.”

Early on I stopped hoping for promises to be kept.

Later on I stopped hoping all together.

You could say that I've become hopeless
or maybe I just started to see the world for what it really is.

Either way, the end outcome is that I am numb,
but now and again the disappointment of it all still stings nonetheless.

Today I went to see my brother's hockey playoffs at the rink where I used to skate.

- it wasn't at all a calculated decision.

The whole time I sat staring into the screen of my phone.

Paralyzed.

Fearing that you might be in the same building.

Teaching.

Your license not yet taken away.

Flashbacks.

Parents angry that I didn't watch the game.

- I couldn't move.

Fearing I would attract the ghost of you and the horror that always follows alongside you.

What did you mean when you said that I was "enough"?

Because unfortunately,
I have never felt "enough" before.

Never skinny "enough".

Never muscular "enough".

My mind has never been able to function normally "enough".

I have never been "enough" for anyone,

- my mother says that I'm using her for money,
but that she never receives "enough" affection from me in return.

If I'm not "enough" for my own mother, how can I be "enough" for you?

I am overthinking everything again,

- you,
- my current emotional state...
-us?

I wish I wasn't,
but I guess it's a part of me,
like everything else.

I just need to accept it and allow myself to be happy.

...happy with you  (?)

Blood drips down my arms
I’m drowning myself in my sorrows
Or rather, blood
Sitting in the bath
Crying from a combination of the pain
Of this
And of what went on today
Too much happened
I can’t handle it
I’m a complete emotional wreck
It’s no wonder nobody wants me
So I wonder
Could I just
Disappear
Would someone notice?
Or would the world go on
Everyone hurting everyone else
As nobody realizes the pain they are causing until it’s too late
Until they lose someone and it’s my fault
Until something happens and I am filled with so much regret
I can’t handle this
I can’t handle life
Why?