despite the endorphins,
the pleasure of completion,
i mourn.

i mourn for the girl who hoped,
dreamed,
fought,
and chased.

lost amongst completion
she no longer dreams,
rather strives for content.

i hope i stop missing you some day .
it’s not even you,
it’s the you i remember

he loved me ,
so endlessly,
that after every inconvenience
i wish for his embrace
years later

i hope one day,
your memory doesn’t sour my day,
and i’m able to just be
not miss the him that you were

i hope i stop replacing you,
bitterly,
being confused when it fails


i don’t want to meet anyone like you,
or someone completely opposite,
or to date you now,
i want him.

take me back, to when we met
before me,  before you,
to him and her ,
years ago.

i want to stand under the tree in the corner ,
ride in your car down the winding dark roads.
i want to hear him swear to never leave,
one more time .
hold my body while i sob,
stop the shakes,
one more time.

i ache for him everyday.
sobbing.
you can’t give him to me ever again,
can you?

i want to know peace.
i want to be at peace.
i want to feel free.

“if you ripped out all my teeth,
you know there’d be no overlap?
no crooked and mushy smile.
wouldn’t that be nice?”

…

“the fat under my chin,
the way my cheeks become apples,
that won’t do.
that’d be removed  as well.”

…

“we might as well break my feet to point inwards instead of out, while at it”
-
please! hurt me?
Honey, take a carving knife to my thighs and do better than myself” she asks
…

“please make them thinner.”
…

“and don’t mind the stretch marks you find! ah you know , you know”
..

“i’m sorry.
it’s been a tough month.”
..
…

“and while your at it,
if it’s not too much trouble,
might you remove my tongue and eyes?
much like those rigged edges?”

“i wish not to talk anymore,
and to see is a chore.
my humanity has become quite a burden you see. “

a tear fell down her face,
making her features make all the more sense .

“take it.
take me .”

approval, a mutt,
heeling before you.
in suspense, apprehension,
perhaos admiration.

pawing at your pant leg,
unclaimed before it’s owner,
barking attention is the purest form of kindness

in the night,
hidden thoroughly with greedy intent,
i’ll remember basking in the sun.

an apprehensive & insecure turn,
when i was revered to the heavens,
feet spinning around,
safely, freely, almost honestly adored.

unable to tell,
perhaps just unwilling to accept,
the suns true temporary identity,
a fleeting flicker of electrical current.

and in the night,
the light looked reflective enough to keep.

i wanted to go home
get out of this bed,
open my door,
and run into the night

into your passengers seat,
with your cologne heavy,
and we’d find home.

i feel safest under the knife,
blade inches from my skin.

safest while drowning in the waves,
content in the silence underneath,
only cursing the bitter wind for crashing against wet skin

i accept scraps greedily,
ignore the deep hole that has hollowed out my chest

empty cavity aches from inside,
unable to get close enough to be whole again.
underneath the obsession,
a girl remains.
drowning, finding safety in the inevitable