It takes time

Some time feels like 4ever
Some time goes by and you're mad cuz it's over
Sometimes it gets renewed
And your faith is fresh
Like a cold glass of brew
In time, the glass is empty, overflowing
Never knowing until you try
And if you give up
U never really tried
No man should cry
What I was taught
But after battles fought
A new lesson I bought

It takes time

now i'm supposed to stay awake at night
and write
and think about some ****
that i never wanted to be a part of
because i can't stop writing about it
like i'm used to it
being in my mind
so much
that i have to spew it out
bunch after bunch
after bunch
after bunch
just like the image i had
of throwing up
and not being able to breathe
some craziness
happened to me

Silence
is the golden time
to say the perfect thing
or let it go
and let it slide into a point where someone has to say something
who is it
what will they say

how will they say it
is this going to hurt
will it be something personal
or too revealing
something i don't want to hear
or know about myself
or them

just sit in it. and feel your stomach tense up.
and feel the breathe in the room get ****** up
and the people
paralized
for a split second
not able to move

and then it clicks
and the right button was pressed
and all of the tension built up into the silence
fueled the laughter
and now there's stomachs busting
people howling
Shouting stuff out in the crowd
A room, spontaneously combusting into laughter

one by one
soldiers, knocked down, picked back up
And ready to be hit
with more
silence

everything else can really wait
honestly
all i feel is pain
in the vein
in vain
or not
**** these reigns
of emotion
that have control over my mind
this horse i ride
gonna break thru the fence
and crush everybody
shining
with a wave of love behind me
gleaming
forget what everyone thinks
this **** i feel
make it stink
when u walk by me
that's all i can see
is smiling faces
people who appreciate
what i feel
been through
but
still
i hide
cuz
what is my pain
to theirs?
we're all trying to get by
we do it together
pain for pain
let's move forward
they don't even know it

Fall, fool, fell, leaves fall
and they float
sometimes they blow
sit soft on the ground
come around
over and over again
the tree stays planted
roots from growth
each leaf that falls
deeper seed grows
always hope
sometimes doubt
but the tree stays planted
leaves fall down

don't even re read it just re write it, not trying to decipher it
just write again, and continue til the night is dim, and the lights are off
and when you miss her when u click the lights off
thinkin about whether or not she misses u, and how she feels about u
the anger and the pain and the joy she went thru
which part will she remember years from now
will she see it as a frown
will she know it was meant to be
will she look back thankfully
these are things i contemplate, analyze, negotiate
but in my right mind of state
i gotta do what's best for me
tryin to set it straight, in this great state, GA, the big peach
who am i to her but just an old fruit fallen from the tree
branch out and explore a new me
there's never anything better than being the one to set you free
and that's how i know we'll all look back thankfully
because we set each other free
and that's the best we could have given, no more heart in prison
now let's make it happen, the world's waiting for us
and there's no one else that's gonna do it  like we do
or used to, just me and u, except we're separate
in a different city, town, state, world, geographic location, emotional sensation
after all that *******
i just wish, man, nah, i don't regret anything
it was fun and it was cool
what else is there to do?
so much, so much, so lot, out there, in our world
so much, to do. so much. so much.
so let's do it

I saw her in court yesterday
I saw her at sweetwater last night
I saw her this morning
I may have seen her in my dreams
I can't remember
She still follows me
as her memory fades
I still see her
small glimpses
as she sinks slowly into the water
I'll never forget that
girl
The first girl
I ever fell in love with

when u see the light
u start to feel the hate from outside
when **** gets dark
who's gonna be there
remember
despite the doubt
that hurts u
this pain is a memento
to remind u
of what we been thru
growing up as a child
goin wild
side by side
was u
my brother
my sister
i think of u
when i need to build
shoulder to lean
stayin clean
on the scene
regardless of the hate i see
i remember where i came from
who i am
and i not only do what i can
i do what i must
u always been there
for me to trust
thank u
i love

it's hard to wake up in the morning
when you see someone in your dreams
that you miss so much
but you don't even see them
you just see a friend
at the door
in front of a dark room
and he says
Ben,
we're glad you came to Atlanta
It's a great city
and behind him
in the room
is her
but you can't see her
it's pure darkness
but for some reason
you know she's in there
and the door closes
and it's 12PM, your phone alarm is going off
and you gotta get up for work
and the song plays
on the way
that reminds you
of all the days
that made you feel this way

I sit at my desk
and I just want to shed so many tears
until work is over
so it makes me tired
and I can go back to sleep
and see
what she was doing in there
and why she leaves me
every time I wake up

letting go of resentfulness
and regret
and shame
and all those things that you bring
when you break
and think and think and think
stay awake late at night
and say stupid things
and punch the headboard of your bed
as you think about all that went wrong
if it aint wrong it aint right
if it aint rough it aint right
be okay
with the pain
and take away
the anger
breathe
and enjoy your life
be blessed
no one knows how u changed
especially if they were with you
people go through phases
of life with u
don't matter
to them
they're your friend
always be there
phone call away
whether you go afloat
they know you'll come back
in a day
the difference time makes
and change
is inevitable
when it snows or it rains
the flower blooms
and dies again
and again
life is like
something i can't describe
if i tried to make a million metaphors

why did this have to happen to us
what did we do to deserve this
besides deserve each other
i have tears that come from my eyes
i want you to know girl
they are for u
cuz i feel so strongly for u
it's in liquid form
i spit it through my eyes
i loved your big brown eyes
i know i saw what i saw in your eyes
it was love
and your glowing smile
never seen anything like it
in the night time
u really glowed
im in so much pain
so u should never read this
because i know u dont want me to feel pain
u love me too much
but please
if there's someone in your life
that can do it for me
let them do it
just do me one favor
never forget me

Guess that's what they mean
when they say follow your dream
understand what they been tryin to tell u
all these years
that's how it goes
it's what it be
it is what it is
inevitability

my dreams
come to life

doing my first molly pill
at dragon con
and seeing u get into my car
all gothed out
i was like
man what the hell
but u carried it well
stepping out of the girl
taking a second glance
couldn't help but look u up and down
and smile
and
****
thought faded out
to something else
but
i just wanna chill and listen to this music
and feel that
again
you know

something about the morning that feels better when u fall
something about the morning makes you feel special in the fall
when leaves fall, and my heart, i'll never talk about the word
i'll just know
what's hapepning, is a beautiful feeling
and something worth
everything

I want to tell her
how much she hurt
her words
what they did
how they affected me
every day
every night
I have to live
with what she did
and I don't understand why
it makes me so angry
and hurt

but it's okay
i should thank her
because maybe
she had what was best for me
in mind

and it wasn't her

never
cannot
do not
will not
does not
won't
can't
not
no
pain won't go away
why
i don't know
i tell it every day
that it needs to leave
and when i feel it's finally gone
it's got another trick up it's sleeve
it's an old disease
memories leave
pain travels
in new directions
when i feel lost
and need direction
i use protection
the next time my heart
is vulnerable again
vulnerability from the start
i'll never not know
it'll always follow me
love at last
will consume me
make me someone
i had not planned on becoming
life, love, does not have time
for you to make plans
with someone else
but it will wait
until pain fades
and I can do it again
I can
I will
I have
I do

love anew

Where r u
as of now or later in a past or present time r u aging like fine wine or r u inclined to melt down at the spine

I wish she was here
I thought she was so cute
Help me forget

I want a new you
a new love
a fresh start

This time
I hope it never
falls apart

god works in mysterious ways
my eyes wet, mind a daze
as I pray

for forgiveness, love, respect
to all those
who hurt me

forgive them father
because i do not know
why they do what they do
show me how
to love like you

and be happy and proud
to be me
despite feeling
******
unforgiving
no more
it does not help
with healing

i must remove the pain
in order to reach the ceiling

thank u
4 loving me

they raised us
to be different
and we are
to be proud
because weird
is definitely
a good thing

I no longer want this to be real

Lord please help me
I want her back God but I know
that can't ever happen

why did this happen?

it's the worst pain I ever had
I went from happy to sad

I'm swimming in a bath of emptiness
And the loneliness never forgets
to keep me company

Lord please save me from the love in my heart
it's tearing me up

I want to be made new
I want memories to be through

Another day of feeling down
For feeling good
Or not feeling anything at all
Postponed phone calls
Radio silence contracts
Money to be made but left on the table
Without a way to reach it
It’s carrot and rabbit for me
And my present is torture
I know the thoughts that i think
Are representative of the state
Of mind that i’m in
That i never write in
Sober
I’m always high
That’s why it always gets confusing
When i’m a good mood or bad
Whether i feel like amusing
Other peoples comments on the internet
And taking them without a grain a salt
Reality starts to strike me
As something unpleasant
I’m unlikely
To find the time to write with present mind
And clarity
I can only find insanity
And that’s what troubles me
And angers me
Just the things from day to day
I have to question my productivity
And my ability
To do these things when i’m inebriated
If that’s what u wanna call it
I don’t know when
This verse will ever end
Or if i’ll ever evolve past my current state
Perhaps evolution
Is more continued ****** delusion
And feeling high out on the fields again