When people refer to books
They say the damaged ones are loved
That the torn pages and smudged words show that it has been read over and over
And that its personal value is greater than one that is flawless
But I've never felt like a book
My damages reflect my neglect and my hurt
My tear stained cheeks and my wounded heart have never caused me to feel loved
Or appreciated
When you run your hands over me
Like you would a book
It's never for my benefit, it's for yours
You tear at my heartstrings and smudge my emotions
But it's never caused me joy
My dents and scratches only hurt
Please don't treat me like a book

I spent the beginning of 2015,
12 midnight,
in the bathroom with my closest friends
and I wouldn't have changed a thing

tears roll down my cheeks,
giving a source to the sobs that wrack my body
sitting away in the confines of my room,
I'm hoping that my dry heaves hitch my breathing
that the water descending from my eyes fills my lungs
so that the only air that fills the room is naturally occurring photosynthesis
because these water droplets rolling down my face, catching my chin
serve no purpose except reminding me of my agony
so I want to put them to use
and use them to drown me

I can't stop drinking about you

As I step into the shower,
The smell of last night's events finally hits me
A mixture of drinking, smoking, and general bad decisions clings to my body
I scrub every inch of me to try and rid myself of everything that happened the day before
Liquor clings to my skin, a sticky reminder of the good time I had when the night began
Smoke clings to my hair, making it greasy and thick
Your touch clings to my body, every fingerprint its own little insult
Your taste clings to my lips, more bitter than the stench of the night doubled over a thousand times
Because I didn’t realize then what we were doing,
What consequences would  come  with our actions
But now, in the light of day, with steam and hot water resonating around me
I know that you were a mistake
A drunken escapade that will fade because we have no other choice
We can't change what we did, but we can't act upon it
It'd be too messy
Too complicated
And I know you don’t want to deal with it
You never knew how I felt about you until last night and even still I doubt you'll remember
But you know what happened between us
And so I expect you'll want it erased
More than I do

I can feel myself slipping into unrequited love
Like the ground beneath me is crumbling and there's no way for me to break my fall
But I don’t know, if there was, that I would catch myself
Because there's nothing about you that I don’t find incredibly endearing
The way you laugh at your own jokes,
Your dimples when you smile too big,
Your hand in mine when you're too drunk to walk on your own,
Your voice
Oh your voice drives me insane
Soft and rich, coaxing me to dip further into this river styx that you have created for me
But somewhere deep inside
I know that you're probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me
And I hate you
I hate you for being the way you are because it's so **** appealing
I hate you for what you've done to me, whether you know it or not
Because the only thing I don’t love about you is my infatuation
But it's too late for me to pull myself out of the abyss that is you
Even though you've swept me away like the dust under your couch
There's nothing I wouldn't do for you
You're like my own personal drug.
I think I'm in control, but slowly
I realize that I can never have enough
That I can never be satisfied with the little you're giving me
And that you have all the power.
So no, I wouldn't catch myself
I would let my body tumble as deep into the earth as it could go
Letting every chunk of dirt, every grain of sand follow behind me
Hoping that, eventually, it would bury me alive