id take it all back if i could
id fix it all
i dont know what i did but i want to take it back
you changed my world
you showed me it wasnt the end
in a different way everyone else did
tough love wasnt always my favorite
but you showed it in the best way
youre different
you’re smart
you’re everything i ever wanted
i might have pushed you away
i might have showed you too much and im sorry
i want to start over
i wish i could meet you again
i wish i could meet you right now
i was too much

its not you its me
its me
the way i carry myself the way i think the way i over analyze every situation and wonder why me
why choose me, im so dramatic so overwhelming so over the top so sad so anxious so insecure so me
why choose me
why want me in your life to **** the life out of you because in my eyes thats what i do
i cant accept affection anymore i cant accept a compliment and take it as its real im so me
its not you its me
when i drift off its not you its me
when i let go its not you its me

to all the friends ive had before
im sorry im sorry i changed
im not who i used to be i said id never change
sometimes i feel like who i was was who i was supposed to be
i was fun i was free
i wasnt who i am today
i feel like maybe i was more put together when i was at rock bottom
its what im used to its who im supposed to be
now im sober now im clean now i feel different
i never hear from you guys anymore i never see your faces
im not fun anymore i know but im still me
i used to have so many friends i used to be used to people wanting to be around me
now im friends are like me
lately ive been glimpsing twords the past its been around me
ive seen all their faces theyve offered my favorite things to me
i said no
they told me they dont know how i do it
i dont wanna die i dont wanna lose control again
it feels so good to reminisce but i dont wanna take one step closer
this time its harder
this time i have to be around
but now i have to see whos really in control
am or in control or who i used to be
to all the friends ive had before i’m sorry but i cant step only closer
i have to love from a distance
i have to care from a far
i cant step any closer
even if i want to i cant lose control
i cant be that person anymore i cant lose myself once more
because this is who i am now
this is who im supposed to be
i cant step backwards i cant go back to who i used to love
who i used to feel comfortable with
now they make me nervous
now they make me feel lost
to all the friends ive lost
im sorry but i cant step closer

i live my life strung off anti anxiety meds just to get by
i live life on the edge
not risk taking
just on the edge
always on the edge always on the edge of letting go
not sure of what i’m letting go of i just know i want to let go
i wish
i wish i wasnt who i am mentally
i wish
i wish
i wish i didn’t live my life full of hallow fears that stop me from moving on to better highlights of happiness
im stuck in my ways
the mirror doesnt fulfill
it doesnt fulfill what i want
it doesnt give me what i want
nothing gives me what i want
i search for myself in empty promises
someone to hold on to when my days are dark
they all show me that i shouldnt look for happiness in others
sadly i cant find it within
within i, i find resentment
resentment because im not who i used to be
i was always scared of change but never was i scared to take a chance
now i second guess my every move
but give my all those who ask
give my heart only from a glance
where my heart on my sleeve and hand it over to who asks
i dont second guess that
im looking for acceptance in whoever offers the best price
im looking for acceptance
someone to look me in my eyes
not someone who i have to sell my soul to just to be forgotten after they blink and realize im not who they want in theyre life
im not like every other girl
im full of fear and regret
im full and anxiety im scared of being left
im scared of losing hope i gave it all to the man upstairs
i wonder if he believes in me
i wonder if he knows im scared
i dont want to grow up i want to be 20 forever
i dont want to grow up i want to be 16
i dont want to grow up i want to be 11
i dont want to grow up
i cant imagine being alone without someone to hold my hand
i cant be guided by the lost forever
i cant be guided
im trying im making that clear
im taking steps to clear the smoke
ive made a mess of myself a few times now im holding it in
the mess is my own
i wont tell anyone how i feel
it doesnt make sense to even myself
if i tell anyone they wont understand
and explaning it will just fill me with doubt
i walk around with a rain absorbed cloud on my head
when the sun goes down it pours
i think alot in the night
when the sun comes up my mask goes on
i cant have anyone knowing i feel alone
i dont make it obvious i dont think
i wont dare to tell a soul
i lay myself open
read me like a book
just dont ask questions
i wont tell the truth
i cant tell a soul that im broken
i feel everything
even when i shouldnt
even time someone leaves it hits like a bullet
leaves a scar

sometimes i gotta take it back to my roots
i cant be intellectual forever
i come from the hood
that hood love draws me in
its what i was raised to love
the type of love where ima count your money and hide your drugs
the type of love where i pay your books and answer your collect calls
it all comes with a price
because most of those guys don’t know how to love
they think love is just saying i love you
its not about support where we come from
its about holding it down
paying the books
taking care of the kids
making sure you cook
its not about if you’re okay
its not about how you feel
its not about if you’re happy
tough love
not everyone works well with it though
I’ve become accustomed to hood love
to making sure he’s okay
maybe even hiding his drugs
ill hold it down when he’s in the pin
ill pick up the collect calls
ill take care of the kids when the time comes
just tell me you love me thats enough
make love to me like you love me thats enough

today i felt like i was drowning for the first time
i always thought I’ve felt like this before
but i really feel it now
i feel like i’m at the bottom of the ocean
with cinderblocks tided to my ankles
i feel
i feel everything
i’m full of emotions from today, yesterday and the day before
how do i release without forgetting
why don’t i want to forget at all?
today i feel like i am drowning
and everyone is watching and they don’t know
when i feel overwhelming emotions i just wait for them to go away
for them to silence
i never ask them to leave
i usually just pray
i’m not really religious but i just hope someones listening who wants to take away my pain
i don’t know the source of it
i wonder if tomorrow ill float