If only. . .
we didn't look at our broken pasts like shattered glass
we didn't let those prior pains ******* our current course
we could forgive those that inflicted the pain whether intentional or not
we could forget the past and make the present last.

If only. . .
we could laugh at all of needless hate that comes to us
we could realize that love is eternal
we could understand that love is fighting, not a war but for every second more, every instant worth fighting for.

If only. . .
we didn't always have to pretend to be strong
we could cry if we need to and we could cry out all of our tears
we didn't have to prove all of the time that every thing is okay
we always knew what to say in those difficult times
we could be at peace with who we are not
we didn't need to build walls around our hearts to survive and to keep alive

If only. . .
we could take our grief and teach it to smile
we could overcome our fears and help others to do the same
we knew that tomorrow's hope means more to us than yesterday's mistake
we could realize that splendor is just around the corner
we knew that love will again come our way some day.

If only. . .
she knew that I was so happy that she finally found me
she knew how happy I am to have found her
she knew tha from the moment I saw her face, somehow my heart just knew what I had to do
I were a thought I would linger in her mind
she knew that she is tomorrow's hope
I could be anywhere, it would be with her

If only. . .
she knew she is beautiful and doesn't need a mirror to tell her that
she knew that her voice is the sweetest music for me
she knew that I can understand her without any words
she knew that she was made to be loved by me
she knew how much she inspired me
she knew that she saved my life.

If only, . .
we could finish every day and be done with it
we could realize that yesterday is dead and tomorrow hasn't arrived
we could begin each day well and serenely with too high a spirit to be cumbered with old nonsense
we knew we have today and can be happy in it
we knew that love cures people, both those who give it and those who receive it

If only. . .                                                                ­              
everyone knew that whether it is praise, love, criticism, money, time, power, punishment, space, sorrow, laughter, need, pain, or pleasure... the more you give the more of it, the more you will receive.

If only. . . . . . . . . .                                                                ­                                                        
                                                                ­                                                                 ­        Jon York            2012

Paralyzed by silence,
I feel frozen and tense.
Braving the unknown-
a lone and alone.

Struggling on a tightrope,
draining all of my hope.
Losing all my might;
Night after dark night

i am having one right now
you know,
the feeling of being blocked
from the words I want to flow
for the words and worlds i want to show
is it because i already said it all
is it because now i have nothing to say at all
my mind is occupied with things i don't really want
i want it occupied with the things i want
and need
i need it to overflow with words
rhyming words of love and treason deeds
is it because i really don't know how to write poetry
or it is because poetry has ****** me for eternity

1

I will drive you to the beach today,
Because winter has outstayed its welcome.
We have no tolerance for rude guests.
After all, it’s been a pair of months since
We had our last snowball fight.

We can undress to the least amount of
Decent clothing the law permits.
We will take sandals that clap our heels
Uniformly with our strides through the sand.

I’ve already packed our wicker picnic basket.
We will have ham and cheese on white bread,
Because we both agree peanut butter is unpleasant to smell.

We’ve cuddled all winter long to keep warm.  Now,
We want to hold each other for the innocent pleasure
Spring promises.  Now, we’re going to the beach.

2

She and I held our anticipation together
With every rotation of our odometer.
We—together—would enjoy the simple pleasure
Of watching the overbearing nines
Give way to a fresh thousand.

She pretended the AM stations
Received alien transmissions at the ends
Of the dials.  When we listened, we heard music.

She had the idea to buy one another
New bathing suits.  Now, I wear too short blue trunks
With green dots, speckling me like an ill duck.

3

Skipping, and kicking up sand with uncommon grace,
The sun began to set as she pranced around
Our fire.  The blaze was burning out, as the sky
Took the light away.  I could only barely make out
The purple of her new one-piece, that so starkly
Contrasted with her pale legs.

As the sun almost hid beneath the west, like a fawn
Her silhouette casually strolled my way.
She held her head to the stars, presenting
All of her neck.  The only sounds we heard
Were the tide and her toes crunching sand.

She stopped, just toe lengths in front of me,
Arching her head back, as if deep in thought.
Her mouth opened like a growing crater
And when, in her shadow, I joined her skyward stare,
We—together—both watched the Moon come out.

She took my hand and followed me
through the trees,
under the archway made of ivy
(flanked by pristinely carved hedges)
into the vast, open field
which met the ethereal red sun
on the horizon.

We sat in the fresh grass,
cool in the evening air.
All the while we stayed silent,
just admiring the untouched space.
Each blade of grass before us
swayed gently,
tantalisingly...

Time had stopped
but everything was still living.
Still moving.
As if this place were not included
in Time's perseverance.  
I didn't want it to be,
it was too important to me.

It occurred to me then
that it wasn't this place
that I valued the most at all
It was this moment.

And I captured it.

Im hooked on you and I
but I want to say goodbye
to this thought now memory
to your lows and highs
to the taste of your savory
lips and I cant
I cant
so I sigh

Theres too much for us to experience
You can ground my firey trance
and Ill burn your memories that ever last

My heart will forever burn
Your heart will forever yearn
for the past
You and I will last
in dreams of our enpass

we are all and we are none.
we are moon and we are sun.
we are one.

When I first met you your light changed me,
         this girl bursting with energy
                                                   communing with nature
                                                                                    and bleeding poetry.
I felt alive when talking to you,
                 comparing your serene coolness to my cheap imitation
                                                                                 must have looked foolish,
but it was innocent and lovely.

Right about then you threw up in my room.

Everything I learned about you just sparked more desires.
      I caught myself writing poetry to your praise
                                                  and leaping at you with blinders on to anything that I didn’t care for.
Your smile evolved from what I first felt was charming
                                                                                   into something deadly and seductive.
You gave me chills and left me
      gasping
            for
              air.

We ****** but you hated when I called it that,
      you used cutesy words and danced around all of my advances.

We ran out of small talk questions as time rolled on,
       settling into philosophy
               and debates about how people are alike and different.
We took turns falling into the pessimist role and donning the cloak of the eternal optimist,
         I was always better at the former.
I caught a glimpse of the shadow cast hiding behind your shining light.
            Being that it was a part of you it naturally interested me,
                    and I pressed you for more and more.

You drank yourself unconscious at a party and I held you in my arms.
        I nursed you back to health and we “fricked” for the entire night.
I didn’t even care that you smelled like puke.

We filled in the blanks trading blows of what we considered our darkest secrets.
          Yours always won and they made me see you in a new light,
                   almost as this delicate beauty majestically growing in a dark void.
I understood you better, and I almost wished I didn’t.

“Sure I can bring some over,
                 I’m just glad to see you.
     How have you been?  
          No I don’t have anymore.
                 Yeah I’ll leave.”

I started to hear the same stories;
                     I still laughed at your energy and enthusiasm in telling them.
    I saw you less and less and when I did you seemed different,
              like you were just donning some mask, playing a part just for me
. That’s when I first noticed the split in you.
       The tired lines stretching from your cheeks
                                                              holding up that delicate smile,
               I was determined to erase them.

You still banged me from time to time.
     So like a pilgrim to a holy land I kept showing up
            bringing alcoholic offerings as a sign of good faith.
We never talked about poetry anymore,
       but I didn’t mind.
We hid in your basement and ******* about the world,
             until the beer ran out, or you passed out and I left.

Your eyes hurt me then.
    What I once saw as a mirror like shine filled in,
              and now seemed glassy and shallow.
I started drawing when we hung out to have an excuse not to stare into them anymore.
        Life raged on and it seemed like the waves were slowly eating away the girl I knew.

I realized that I was your fix.
       When I called you on it you laughed and seemed surprised it took me this long to get it,
I didn’t stop coming,
    it actually felt good to get rid of the pretense,
           it was like a show, watching you drink away your soul.
Some friend I am. At least I wasn’t a drunk I told myself.

As your life spiraled downwards from your addiction it brought you to a lot of painful places.
        Places with bars and handcuffs,
                  places with straps,
                         places with tubes connecting your tiny frame to big machines.
I wasn’t there to see you in those places, I couldn’t.

I started yelling at you,
       trying to wake you up from the slumber you seemed content to stumble around in. 
 I lectured you and watched as you let it flow right past.
          I called you on your lies and refused to be your delivery service.
I hoped it wasn’t too late.

I want to see that girl who bleeds poetry again,*

And I’ll wear my best suit to your grave.