She was the girl who would look up from her food at lunch,
just to observe everyone.
And the one who would want to share her writing with the one she liked,
but wouldn't out of fear of them not liking it.
The one you would find sitting alone on her bed
and 4 am
listening to music and staring at the moon.
She's the one who would be reading in the library
hoping someone would spot her and fall in love, just like that.
She's the one who would keep dead roses until they gathered so much dust
you thought they were gray.
Her bed side table had books and coffee or tea cups strung about.
The one would would sleep all day just to stay up
and watch the sunset on her roof, silently smoking a cigarette.
If you think this girl is happy, maybe i should have done a better job at explaining her.

You fall asleep
in drunk defeat.
You tried to drown your demons fast
but they just laughed.
And watched you smoke your last in the pack
fall onto your back
onto the bed,
they roamed your head.
So you craved a nicotine high
then slowly closer your tired empty eyes.
Forever questioning why
that boy laid his hand upon your side.
Walked in the rain with you outside
telling you pretty lies.
You know they could have said,
he was the worst demon in her head.
Haunting me in bed.
Feeling dead in my dream filled sleep
i turned into a ghost would could breathe.
You i was trying to reach,
i never got what i need
so i tested if i could fly.
Then i finally saw your smile.

I wanted to write your name on my skin
i chose a pen
but ended up carving it in.
Then taking a swig of gin,
tell my head started to spin.
I'll forget you even if it kills me.
It may be when i take a bath
with my head underwater too drunk to take a breath.
Or when i fall asleep on the train tracks,
too high to tell anyone goodbye.
Because that's better
then dying over and over
every time i see you with her.

Art
they said was in the rose color of her perfect mouth.
In the gold shine in every strand of her hair.
Especially in the aqua watery depth
or her cool blue eyes
begging you in for a swim
tempting.
In the way the color of her skin was a daisy petal white.
In the way her laughter danced to the sound of rain
booming like thunder.
And her touch
oh god her touch
it was like a thousand lightening streaks brushed against your arm
only for her to laugh and have it sound sweeter than the music
my piano hands can make.
And the way she says your name
like she's savoring it,
tasting ever bit of it as it rolls of her tongue.
But you will never forget
they way she looks
curled upon her dark green reading chair
stormy eyes devouring the words
golden streaks falling in her face
lips softly forming the words
savoring the words
soaking up every thing she can
from the book in her hands.
This girl will steal your heart,
before you're even done looking at her.

I find beauty in the wrong things.
But at least i can find beauty in something.
I find it in cigarettes.
In destructiveness.
In boys with fiery lips.
And serpent tongues.
Especially in ***.
But at least i'm having fun,
even if it's in the wrong things.
God i love to sin.

House full of screams
i either listen to music or cry to fall asleep.
This is not a home.
This is a house as empty as one with no one.
I curl in my ball on my bed
trying to get their shouting out of my head,
if this is living
i'd rather be dead.

I thought about burning all my poems about you
but then i realized
my hands would be burned instead.

Summer creeps into the air
the sun brightens her hair.
But not her sad dark eyes..
She's still in despair.
Her life was never fair
but she doesn't care.
Her sadness and insanity
were the perfect pair.
Underneath all that hair,
they hid in the darkest parts of her,
where she doesn't dare to try and find.
She writes in her journal all the time,
but these things control her insane mind.
She tries to explain to her therapist using hand motions,
like a mime trying to display a crime.
Because it's hard to say
that dark thoughts fill her head everyday.
Begging her to let them out to play.
That is the only way to keep them at bay.
So they don't steal even the light of the day.

The wind wip's her face
the tree next to her, the only thing to embrace.
In this lonely place.
Staring at the ocean's depth and waves
calling her name.
She comes here on the edge of the cliff
because it makes her feel alive.
And god knows she's dead inside.
She brings her pack
because breathing in the smoke
is less painful than jumping of a chair with a noose around your throat.
But she goes closer to the edge this time
wondering why
she choose's to die
one cigarette at a time
instead of
joining the killing waves.
And ending her days spent in the horrible place.
She peeks over the edge
"go over" says her head
she takes a step.
The end.

Drown my sorrows
instead of myself.
My liquors top shelf.
She doesn't kid herself,
she's clinically insane
only alive for the game.
Sadness is all she gains.
She doesn't watch the rain,
she's too busy sleeping away the pain.
To keep herself sane.
She throws back the pills
with five in her grasp,
she keeps going and starts to laugh.
This is the way a psychopath acts.

Staring, unseeing, into the darkness of the night,
do you know what's looking back at you?
Besides the moon,
is something watching you in your room?
For the creatures of the night are always there,
even if they aren't caught by your stare.

Look how the snow sparkles in the street light
trying to match the twinkle in your sad eyes.
You want to feel alive
as alive as the night.
Humming in the street light,
you slip to the cool ground
your humming the only sound.
The cold snow seeps into your clothes
while laying in the snow bed.
Happy too feel the cool sting, to know your not dead.

I gave up after a long battle.
I had to many scars,
drank at too many bars,
wanted to stand in front of too many cars.
I refuse to be dependent on anything or anyone
so tomorrow i won't see the sun.
I'll  be long gone.
When these roses die,
so will i.

I was home alone
and i got the call from my best friend
i wouldn't have been able to understand her
unless i knew her as well as i did.
She was sobbing.
I told her "I'm coming".
She didn't live that far away
i grabbed my bike and started going
the whole time with one hand
the other holding the phone
her crying on the other end
i've never heard my best friend cry
not like this.
I reached her house and there was many cars
i ran inside and found her instantly
she was in her parents room
our other best friend there too.
I went to her and asked her what was wrong
and why there was so many people here
she grabbed me and held on for dear life
she cried out
"My dad's dead, i found him."
i looked at her
and i saw the most pain in her eyes
that i have ever saw
in anything
or anyone.
Her cries sounded like she was dying
i knew she felt like it.
She said she went to his house with her sister
she went in first
she found him and dropped to the floor
her sister came in next
i could here her sister crying from the other room
i felt sadness in the house like it was crashing down on my shoulders
Her fragile heart was broke
it was all i could do to hold her together
The three of us sat there and cried
remembering.
To this day i can still see the sadness in her eyes
it closely resembles mine
but i would hold her together as long as i could.
She's one of the strongest people i know.
So i will be strong for her.

She sits by the waves
and counts the ways
she could taste death's lips.
Partly because she misses you too much.
Death can be such a lovely thought.

I laid on those train tracks,
with cement blocks
holding me in place.
My mouth covered in tape
so when the train came
i wouldn't scream.
I could still cry,
but i never felt the need to try.
I felt the need to die.
I heard in the distance the train sigh,
I felt death lay down next to me and smile.
He knew the train wouldn't take awhile
so did i.
So i looked up at the sky
for the last time
i smiled,
turned my head to the oncoming train
felt the tear of the sky's rain.
Then i felt no pain
i closed my eyes
said goodbye to the sky
then watched the train pass me by
death driving by with a smile.

I am 6 ft underneath.
I wanted to be next to the root's of tree's
i left in my note that i wanted you to be buried next to me,
so we can be together again.
So do not cry
i'm in my favorite blue dress
and i don't have to have a smile plastered to my lips.
Mom do not lay in my bed
your thoughts will start to hurt your head
and i don't want my pillow to collect more tears.
I had a good few years,
so do not fear.
Dad do not try and understand why i had to go
you cannot reason with death.
And he's a really good kisser.
Sister you can have all my things
please wear them,
remember me.
Sister i'm sorry i left
but do not wear your favorite dress
and beg for a taste of death's lips.
Bestfriend,
travel for me?
Bring my notebook and write down everything.
If i wasn't in the ground
you know i'd be with you.
so do not cry,
you know the reason why.

The dark thoughts that fill my head
as soon as i'm in bed.
They haunt my dreams
i should not like them,
although it may seem...
They're my favorite dreams.
Nightmares,
make me so aware
that all monsters are human,
they're in our heads.
While i lay in bed.
They're in my head,
not underneath
where they're said to be.
The monster is me.

You were down by the river
wearing a old vintage dress
hanging off your body
baring your shoulders and collarbones
that swayed in the wind
like your long wavy hair.
Oh how I longed to push it behind your ears
and see you look up at me
with a storm in your eyes
and a rosy blush portrayed along your soft cheeks.
You softly hummed a melody
without even realizing it.
You finally looked up and noticed me staring at you,
A huge smile threatened to reach your eyes.
But even I couldn't do that, yet.
You blushed when you realized
I was staring at you;
quickly fixing your hair that blew around your face
and your summer dress.
You looked down when I reached you
and I couldn't hold back any longer
and pulled you hard against me
your body crushing into mine
you smelled like wind and flowers
and rain.
I breathed you in,
my face pressed against your neck
your soft hair hiding my face
all I could feel was how your body
fell against mine
and your soft hair tickling my face
and my lips against your neck.
I pulled back
and kissed you with all I had, and you kissed back.
Then I woke up.

I am not a full moon.
I am the crescent moon.
Because i  will always be empty.
And doomed,
to die alone its true.
The dying stars make the sky
a graveyard.
I see them moving
while i'm in the car
and realized i'm not the stars
who die with another not too far.
I am the moon who can't make it through the night
with out the sun that shines so bright.
Darling will you be my light?

Her eyes red
from rubbing them raw.
Your throbbing head
From straining every muscle in your jaw
crying on your bed.
This is worse than death.
When your dead you have no one.
But it's better than feeling this alone.
Everything you said was a lie.
You didn't even say goodbye...
Why can't i stop crying?
I'm so weak
i crave a eternal dreamless sleep.

Twenty one roses.
Twenty one days.
Everyday a rose will go up in flames
and everyday i drink tell i can't remember my name.
They might say it's the only thing that keeps me sane.
As i watch the rose burning,
begging for rain.
I smoke my last in the pack
my lungs fill with the smoke
slowly turning black.
Just like the roses i burn to a crisp
reminding me of your burning lips
your hands you placed on my hips
our fiery kiss.
The unburnt rose's bliss.
Inside me you ignited a spark
which led to a fire in my heart,
one you never extinguished.
Now i sit here in anguish.
It's November fifth,
this day last year you kissed my lips.
With rose's i'm down to my sixth.
The fire in me wouldn't let me sleep
for in my heart it was buried deep.
And the thought of you only makes it grow,
burning me up everyday oh so slow.
I decided to put of the fire
so i lite the six up,
then stood on my balcony in the rain
a smile forming on my face.
Then i heard the door bell ring
opened it and saw you with a dozen rose's, smiling.

False happiness.
False hope.
False love.
False smiles.
False words.
False personality.
False truth.
This is what i will tell you next time you ask me why i think nothing ever goes right.

Suicide was on her mind,
her smile was unkind.
She had a wild mind,
that didn't let her sleep at night.
Her thoughts way on her heavy, not light
it's either fight or flight.
She was always a fighter.
But craved to be higher,
she stood on top of that tower
starring down at the flowers
she realized she had lost the power,
to fight...
and decided to flight..
so she jumped into the night.

Kiss my lips and feel that spark
i glow in the dark.
i have a fire inside my heart.
I was corrupted from the start.
I'm a fiery mess,
in my tight black dress,
you can't resist.
But be careful baby,
playing with fire will get you hurt.
If you touch you'll get burnt.
If you try,
i'll leave you destroyed.
Just so i can feel alive.

Sprouting leaves
rustling in the wind like waves
i could stay here for days.
From the ground they raise up
some roots buried deep into the ponds muck.
The tree's creak.
A language only i know how to decipher and speak.
The tree's are strong and i am weak,
but they give me the breath i need.
Their bark sometimes scarred just like my arms,
the son catches my eyes making them more blue,
i swear every tree root
grows inside me too.
My body will grow as tall as the tree's
growing old, and in the wind it creaks.
But i will never be weak
either will the tree's..
The tree is me.

The drugs are quick.
We laid on the beach
sand covered our feet.
Our hands and lips dying to meet.
Our bodies warm on the sheet.
Maybe it was the drugs
or maybe it was the look in your eyes.
But i wanted to kiss the lips that formed your smile.
The waves were crashing and i was falling
your name i was calling.
So you took my hand
and whispered sweet things to me underneath the moonlight in the sand.
And prayed the sun would take awhile
to make it to the other side of the earth as it ran.
The moon was on my side
it lite up our love filled eyes,
kept the tide high.
So you'd hear the waves cry
and not two lovers sigh
deep into the night.
Bathed in moonlight
i read you my poems
you played your guitar and sang.
I loved the way you said my name.
You took me by surprise
and kissed me deeply with tired eyes
and held me close the rest of the night,
trying to outrun the sunlight.

You smell like tea,
you smile at me.
Give me love i plea.
Your hands so timid and gentle on my face
into your arms i'm embraced.
You make me feel safe.
You make my heart race.
I trace your jawline and stare into your ocean eyes
give me love i cry.
i nuzzle my face into your neck,
love is what i expect.
You run your hands down my back
creating shivers that's a fact.
Happiness with you i never lack.
I love you too the moon and back.
Your smile so sweet,
the music you play
get's stuck in my head for days.
Your lips i crave.
We both love the ocean,
we express ourselves with words unspoken.
Your piano play a soft lovely melody,
my hands write a sad tragedy.
Your hand fits in mine like a glove,
give me love.

In the meadow
under the tree's shadow
two lovers lay
in the shade.
Wrapped up in the thought of running away
but will together they stay?
They hold hands
making plans
to travel in a van.
All across the land.
No need for a home.
Only each other to hold.
Chasing the night.

The funeral under the sea,
there's no one here but me.
I can't see,
i wonder who it's for
i'm the only one there
maybe there's supposed to be more?
I'm not so sure.
I'm tired and my arms are sore,
from trying so hard i'm sure.
I need to rest
in this casket
in my black dress. I'm a mess.
And i know if i sleep now,
sleep away the distress,
know that i had given up
and there's no such thing as waking up.

You were a ghost inside her
that she couldn't get out.
So she tried to smoke you out
with cigarettes and drugs.
She tried to drown you
in *** and *****.
She tried to swallow you whole
with those little white pills.
She tried to cut you out
with razor blades and kitchen knife's.
The whole time she felt herself slipping away
she felt dead on the inside.
She realized she was killing herself instead.
Because you were only living in her head.

I'd give up on myself before i gave up on you.

Losing her mind
in the forest she spends her time.
Navigating along the forest floor,
better than she can breathe.
Because this puts her at ease,
along with the sea breeze.
She has yet to find herself,
but the forest helps.
She stays all night
only afraid of the monster within.
Slowly sipping her gin.
She falls to the forest floor
looking at the stars
wishing she was among them,
so she could be long dead.
You wouldn't believe the thoughts in her head.
In between two tree's in her bed.
She does what she does best
and falls asleep.
In between the tree's showing defeat.
But she can't stop crying in her dreams
so she wakes up to see
the tree's swaying in the breeze
calming her down.
The forest always gives her peace.

She lost herself in books
cigarettes
and music.
Because maybe she didn't want to be found.
She would always give you her all
because she never felt whole.
Her favorite place were the sea and the forest
because she could go there alone,
and let her demons play,
in the open space.
She would write among the tree's
and float among the waves.
All she ever wanted was love.
But she only found,
dying leaves
suffocating waves
lipstick stained cigarette butts
and sad songs that could put her to sleep.
and that's why she wanted to die.

At the age of five
she had big blue eyes
and never left her mother side
and loved to see her daddy and mother smile.
At the age of seven
her long blonde hair was all the way down to her hips
she saw her sister with the curly blonde hair at her shoulders
and told her mom she wanted it cut.
Her mom cried when she cut it to her ears.
At the age of ten she entered third grade
with short hair
and a loving smile.
The boy she liked then told her to check yes
or no on a note if she wanted to date him.
She checked yes and spent the whole day smiling.
She was thirteen her hair now past her shoulders
and her eyes covered in makeup
but it still didn't work to keep the boy
that she checked yes for.
At age 15
her hair is now long and her eyes are now dull.
she spends most of her time in her room
staring at herself in the mirror
and picking out every flaw
then covering up what she can
with makeup
she barely goes to school
she hasn't seen her mom and dad smile at each other anymore
and now her mom has way more things to cry about
than cut hair
she has given up on boys
even the one who wrote her poems instead of boxes to check.
Age 16
and she has wrote her last poem
for the boy who never did her any harm
then decided she had one more note to write
but left it unfinished.
Because she couldn't hold on any longer.

I'll keep smoking because it tastes like your lips
because the way the smoke rolls out of my mouth
just like the way you rolled the words "goodbye"
of your tongue.
Because the smoke twirls through my fingers
they way you did.
Because it leaves my hair smelling like the wind
and smoke
and rain.
And you said you always loved the smell
when we came inside
from a smoke break.
And i would lay my head on your shoulder
and you would twirl the golden strands.
Now i need a smoke break
because my heart aches
with the absence of your hands
with the absence of your smell
with the absence of your comfort.
With the absence of you.
So no i do not smoke to forget,
i smoke to remember.
And the memories are not the only thing that's killing me.
Because my lungs are turning as black as my heart.

As cold as ice.
I still thought i could warm you.
I was wrong.

They danced along my lips
slowly searching out my hips.
They were cracked to often
from worrying about me in a coffin.
Because they have felt my body
they have touched my soul
and they are clenched into fists
because you know i no longer wish to live.
They are wet on the fingertips
form wiping the tear that slipped
down to my lips.
They reached out to me one last time that night.
Because i took my life as soon as i saw the morning light.
You get the call
and fall to the floor.
And the last thing they touched
was the clutch.
Your car went over the edge
you put them behind your head
and prayed you see me
one last time,
in the end.
I woke up in the hospital
and that is when it was my turn to get the call.
They found me hanging from my bed sheets
behind the locked bathroom door
with a note that said
"i'll see you in the end."

She's lost control again
she cut herself open
not a word she's spoken
about how much she's broken.
No medicine she takes
without it she wants to feel okay
even if she has to fake,
how much she wants to go drown herself in the lake.
Or be taken under by the waves.
She sleeps for days,
for in dreams we enter a world entirely our own
and there she doesn't feel so alone.
There she is in your arms and she is home.
But she always wakes up.
She realize's she's ****** up
when she decides to go stand in front of a truck.

I'm not sorry i took that drink from the glass bottle when you asked me again and again
and i'm not sorry that my eyes were as glassy and empty.
I'm not sorry i let you run your fingers along my spine,
even though you were fumbling.
I'm not sorry i let you sigh my name as i pressed my hips against yours.
I am not sorry that your lips didn't make my heart beat any faster.
I'm not sorry that your skin didn't give me shivers.
I'm not sorry that i avoided your lips.
I am not sorry that you touched my skin but not my heart.
I am not sorry that i didn't want to touch you at all.
I am sorry that you touched skin that would never have goosebumps rise for your fingertips.
I am sorry that you held a body that would never lay next to you on your bed and let the scent soak in.
I am sorry that you gripped fingers in hair that would never be displayed along your chest.
I am sorry that my lips would rather touch a glass bottle than your neck.
I am sorry that you tried to hold onto me and i left with no intention of returning like the sea.
I am so sorry you chose me to pour your love into that night.
You should have just poured another drink.

I have this feeling inside me that i cannot put into words.
I can put into words the way you smelled
and i can put into words the way i love writing with pens and stroking's with paint brushes
and i can put into words my love for the moon.
But i can't describe this feeling and so you can't relate.
But the thing is,
i don't want any one to relate.

If i was a flower i'd grow at night
i would flourish in the rain
and i would sprout on a cloudy day.
I would sway in the breeze
and you would pick off all my petals
to see if he love's you
and i'd hope the whole time that you would land on
"he loves me"
and i would still hope this
even as my petals are being torn off me
and thrown to the ground.
But if i was a flower,
and when winter comes,
sometimes i don't think i could push myself out of the ground.

You kissed my trembling lips.
Smiled into my sadness filled eyes.
Made me want to survive
you made me feel alive
as i struggled inside.
I gave you all that was left of my heart,
left was only a small part.
But with you it was finally home
no longer having to roam.
So i gave you all of me
in between your bed sheets
and cups of coffee
and poetry
in the forest full of tree's
in notes to you signed by me
in stories shared by the sea
in camping in tents reading together at night tell three
in shared CD's.
I gave you all of me.
And still felt whole.

I can't see through these blurry tears.
I'll forever miss the hand
that pushed my hair behind my ear.
Why does no one stay?
Either they or i,
always push the other away.
Maybe we're afraid
i cannot say.
You did not stay.
And now i am so so lonely.

My skin is cold
your hands are warm
My lungs are black
your heart is gold
My fingers can't stop trembling
your hands can't stop shaking
I'm sorry i'm breaking.
I'm sorry you're done saving.
Don't be sorry,
it's my fault.
I'm drowning,
it wasn't your job to teach me how to swim.

If convinced my therapist
that i'm fine.
If i can do that,
then why can't i look in your eyes?
I told her that i was fine that you're gone,
so why do i still play that song?
I convinced her that i don't need medicine to be happy
so why do i need alcohol drugs to fall asleep?
If i can convince my therapist,
then why can't i convince myself.

I stared at the moon in the car,
clouds slowly drifting past it from afar
i wondered how it feel to be so alone but close to the stars
never being able to survive
without the sun's shine.
Like i couldn't when i stopped calling you mind
when i forgot the color of your eyes.
The sun would rise
and leave the moon alone to die.
Then come back the next night
just to leave again in the morning and let her die.
Because the sun made the moon alive just to **** it again.
Kind of like when you held my hand
and told me this was the end.

Kiss me like you know what we're doing.
Make me shake with shivers,
like i'm outside naked in the winter.
Wrap your fingers in my hair
like your trying to hold air.
On my neck plant kisses
like that puppy did when you got him for chirstmas.
Hold me close like i'm the rarest rose.
I'll lay my head in the crook of your neck
like its the cool side of my pillow on my bed.
I'll plant gentle kisses on your neck,
like they're secrets.
Trail your fingers across my skin
like i'm your favorite instrument.
Plant kisses along my inner thighs
everyone as sweet as stolen kisses in the night.
Make me sigh like my breath makes you high.
Hold me close all night
like you're afraid i'm going to take flight,
right up until the sunrise.
But never, never, kiss me goodbye.

I swear to god it would feel better if you were shouting bitter words
starring at me with anger lit eyes
shaking hands pushing me away
fist clenched
strained voice
anything.
Anything to show me that i have some effect on you.
Don't cut me out.
Don't forget about me.

If i don't see god when i kiss him,
if he doesn't make my knees give out and fall to the floor,
then what reason do i have to believe in him?
You've always said i have a sinners smile,
let me show you what it looks like to be broken.
Let me show you what it feels like to be heartless.