She sits on the shower floor
behind a locked door.
She looks at her distorted face,
on the faucet.
And she know's she's lost it.
She screams in the air,
"do you know how it feels for no one to care?"
she angrily grips her hair.
She's lost it she swears.

I'm jealous of the moon,
because it outlines your thin, tall silhouette
while i'm smoking a cigarette.
It makes your dark eyes shine,
when our legs are entwined.
It knows what's on your mind
because it watches you while you write.
In the middle of the night,
while your laying by my side.
The moon can touch all of you at once
just as good as i at rising goosebumps.
You'll stare at it for hours,
outside my window,
while i'm holding you in our shower.
It's as mysterious and captivating as i,
i see it in your eyes.
Don't lie.
It knows your smile is shy,
as i'm trapped by your thighs,
distracted my your shinning eyes.
Your a moon child, and so am i.
Because it knows your darkest lies,
it the middle of the night.
I'm jealous of the moon,
because,
it knows you just as well as i do.

You let me sleep in your bed,
when i thought monsters were under my bed.
You let me scream i hate you
and you still knew i loved you.
I'm sorry i'm so mean,
I don't know what's happening to me.
Just don't give up please,
I've lost myself, and i need you help.

Sleep is not my friend.
Insomnia is.
If you can fall asleep before you see dawn,
let my introduce you to my dear friend.
I swear you'll never be able to shut your eyes again.
Unless it is to relieve the pain
during the day.
Curl up on you bed at lunch time
close the blinds
but insomnia will still be calling
"mine"
"mine"
"don't close your eyes"
"your mine".

You cigarette lips teased me in the rain
along with your arm holding my frame
and the way you said my name
and they way you sang.
I could have stayed in the rain
underneath the umbrella
with you forever.
In the forest by your house,
we shared our first cigarette.
Our shoes were wet
my eyes begged for a kiss
while staring at your lips.
But my face you never embraced.
I begged for a taste of your sweet cigarette mouth
on your black couch.
I felt you losing interest
as i laid on your chest.
But i won't be left
not again
so i ran.
Tried to forget the longing to hold you hand
the ocean in your eyes i never swam.
For you stay i wouldn't plea
so i forgot how you said you'd never leave.

I told you i wanted to die.
As i laid down and cried,
but all you noticed was the smell of my alcohol breath.
You should have noticed.
You thought  it would be better for my sister to go yes
that would be best
right?
Because she has more of a fight
to survive
not me.
Not even as i lay down and for my death i plea
but should i go to the hospital?
No need.
Even when the days go by i never speak.
I get too much or not enough sleep.
But you think its not because of the dreams..
But everything is not as it seems.
I'm falling apart and breaking my stitching at the seams.
I can't ask for help
and you will never look
because you think i'm an open book...
Not one with pages torn and sadness filled words like "i can't"
because i'm insignificant.

I wrote you a poem today.
It was my fourth about you.
Will i ever stop?
probably not.
I can't kept you alive,
unless it's in my poems.
I fear i might forget the color of your stormy ocean eyes.
Or maybe the way you smiled after you sang to me.
Or maybe the way you smoked your cigarette.
Lord help me if i forgot that way your arm felt displayed along the curve of my body.
Or the way your sweet soft voice whispered my name in the speaker of your phone.
But especially if i forgot the way you made me feel,
like i was flying, alive, whole...
That's why i write poems about you.
And no i don't think i could stop.
It's almost as addicting as you.
Almost.

Love poisoned me
It made my hands shake
and my head ache
and my hands twitch for a lover who wasn't there
and my stomach feel like the ocean
and my head was filled with love letters and stolen kisses
and it made me stay up late waiting for a tap on my window that would never come
it made me weak
because when i looked in your eyes
my breath would become fast
and i'd lose my concept of time
and when you left
i would lose weight
and i would lose sleep
and i would lose sanity
and love would tear me apart from the inside out
as soon as i tasted your lips
and so as you ran your fingertips along my spine
and soon as i heard you breathe my name in the dead of night
because your lips were poisonous along with your finger tips
and your voice was a drug
and what we had slowly killed me,
like poison in my tea every morning.

You'll be a queen of heaven now and sit with the angles.
No more pain.
No more games.
No more trying.
Nor more crying.
Do you want to learn to fly?
All you have to do is try.
Take the jump,
go ahead and try, you won't cry.
Your throat won't have that lump.
Take the jump.

It's okay that you take my breath away
I never wanted to breathe without you near anyway.
It's okay you can't fix me,
i'm not broken,
just a puzzle, a labyrinth, that can't be figured out.
I know you never wanted to give up,
but your arm's were tired of holding me together,
and i just couldn't let go.
But believe me i'm trying,
I just don't know what will happen
whether i can hold myself above the water,
whether i break my neck hanging,
or stand tall.
I'd tell you i'm a broken crumbling building,
but i want you to remember me as lightening.
As thunder as it vibrates through you.
And piano music when it gives you chills.
As storms when they give you thrills.
I just want to be remembered by you,
even if i'm gone.
Even if i have to let go.

Broken man,
did she do that to you?
Did she rip your heart in two?
Did you fall in love with her eyes that were so blue?
Then watched them blankly stare,
after she said she never cared.
You said it wasn't true
but the words she spoke got rid of that hope.
Maybe if you could have read what was on her mind,
watched her eyes as she spoke,
she was saving you...
from what was bound to come.
Because she knew one day,
she was going to pull the trigger on that gun.

That rope around your throat
oh no
don't choke.
Cigarette i smoke,
my last in the pack.
Then hands grip my back
my waist around they wrap
those hands i know.
I adore them so.
They hold me tight,
while i sleep at night.
He cries don't leave me,
i sigh oh baby.
He say's he'll never let me go
I'm too lost to be found though.
Everyday he saves me.
But one day,
he'll be too late..
And i'll have sealed my fate.

I see you and my hands start to shake
they keep getting worse
I can tell be how the alcohol bottle is shaking, glass looking as fragile as me.
I cover it up with another shot.
I can feel you watching me
we're close
I look at you and hold your stare
to show you that I'm not intimidated and please don't look at my hands
Your lips twitch into a smile
That breaks me more than the look in your eyes
How can a smile so sweet belong to someone with eyes so empty, cold, inviting, predatory.
We're so attracted to eachother, I can't stop myself from pressing against you, you don't care enough to stop. Apparently either do I.
Your kiss does something to me, sets me on fire so to speak.
The only thing I can think about.
I can't help kissing you or your neck
grazing my teeth along burning skin
I can't help but want to sink my teeth into what's mine.
But then I stop. Because you are not mine and you don't want to be. That alone is what makes me turn around and leave.

She is fire, she is ice.
She is the tides
She is the controlling factor of the tides.
"Stay away from forests, boys with sparks in their eyes, bridges."
You cannot hide the fire under your skin
in your fluttering eyes
shaking hands begging to strike a match.
But don't stay away from love because i've never seen you fuel anything better.
It's the cold that gets you
constant shivers
numb
emotionless.
Test my chilling wrath.

On my roof
with a cigarette
the night wind
comforting me again
the warm burn of the cigarette touches my lips
i stare at the stars
and for a second i lose myself.
Your hypnotizing voice brings my back
you grab my hand
as we lay side by side
chain smoking
feeling alive.
You grab a strand of my hair
that the breeze blew your way
and run your fingers along.
I lay there
feeling your touch
smelling you
your electric
smoky
enticing smell.
You pull me on top of you
as soon as i finish smoking
and you say i'm like a forest fire
i burn with a fire so bright it lite's up my eyes,
my soul.
I destroy
but only myself
for i am the forest and the fire
smoke
wind
earth
fire.
You say i'm dangerous to be infatuated with.
"You can get lost
trying to navigate
through your mind
along your skin,
that is the forest floor.
And then you'll be trapped
when the fire starts ablaze
and you won't try to run
because you will be distracted by your beautiful burning light
and your beautiful burning forest
your beautiful burning skin.
You won't even feel the burn.
All you will feel is your body pressed against your own
and your hair tickling my skin
like flames
and your burning fingertips brushing along my body
making me feel alive
and your lips softly brushing against mine
like the leaves of a tree."
He stops and looks up at me,
"but i will stand in the flames and i will hold you
because i am not afraid to be burned,
not if it's by you."
"But what if i burn out? When there is no forest left,
when the flames are gone
when there is no heat
only my cold beating heart."
He smiled and kissed my forehead
"then i will watch you grow new tree's
and if you can't
i will plant seeds
a whole new forest will grow,
and then i will give you a match."

I found out you missed me.
And i suddenly thought,
not as much as i miss you.
i don't know what to do,
whether i should forgive,
or forget you.
Because i know i'll always miss you.
And i know, i'll give you my heart.
I'll give you everything that's left of me.
And i'm afraid
you won't do that same.
So, should i forgive?
Or forget...

With curls in her hair,
the forest in her eyes.
Everyone believed her when she said she was fine...
she lied.
Those forest eyes often cried.
She always wanted to be like the birds and fly
but felt her wings were broken
so she never tried.
Her element was fire,
it sole purpose was to destroy.
She destroyed herself,
in order to save everyone else.
But her forest eyes
made many people smile.
As she laid on the cool tile
her arms bleeding for awhile
her sister realized her broken smile,
that when she said she was doing fine, she lied.
So her sister went to her and held her
while she cried
said everything was going to be fine,
she didn't like.
She would hold her together forever
until her sister was truly better.

Have i gone mad yet?
My head has cracks,
there's something wild about my laugh.
Sanity i sometimes lack.
My head is a labyrinth,
not a map.
Your bound to get off track
and lose your mind along the way
with every dark path you decide to take.
But i know every dark thought
and it haunts me everyday..
But i wouldn't mind if they stayed,
i often stay inside nightmares for days.
The dreams in which i'm dying are the best iv'e ever had.
So have i gone mad?

Her hair curled
wiping like the wind.
Her eyes were the night sky
lite up
with the pulse of lightening.
Her heat beat to the thunder.
She danced along the sky line,
cloudy storm eyes crying
for the flowers begging for rain,
for her heart crying out in pain.
You touch her skin
and its as electric
as lightening.
But she fades just as fast.
Leaving you with only the sound of her thunder laugh.
As she fades off into the distance
blowing away with the wind.

My hips swayed toward you like the tides
your lips tasted like honey
just as smooth
your hands tried to catch me
but i slipped through your fingers like the water
and pulled away
only to return like to the shores of your parting lips with a deep kiss
you placed your hands on my waist
i moved against your body like the waves
glowing like the moon
swaying like the ocean
my heart humming a soft melody
yours beating in beat
trying to hold me like the sea holds my heart
trying to keep me from falling apart
as the waves crash on the rocks
i fall into you
on your sandy shore skin
you breathing in
my salty skin
and my wavy golden hair
your hands finding the curves of my body
smooth at the water
tempting as the sea
we fall asleep
to the breeze of our synced breath
the same crash and fall of of hearts
the same feel of our body's
pressed together
you held me
as best as anyone could hold the sea
and i tried to keep my storm at bay
because i never wanted to leave the boy that braved to swim.

Your body shakes
your helpless to the quakes.
You wither on your sheets.
Your mouth screams.
Help me.
Silently
you choke on the words unspoken,
your mouth hangs open.
Its not over.
You pull your knee's up, closer
and hug yourself tight,
deep into the night.

What's she's feeling shows on her skin
this self harm game she'll never win.
She enjoys it when she sin's.
You could call her a sinner
or a cutter.
But it won't stop her from taking that drug or blade
for another.
Her mind she got from her mother.
But the pain is like any other
praying to her father,
she's asking,
"how do i recover?
why do i even bother?
should i scream louder?".
Or will they yell at her for crying wolf?
calling her a fool
because they couldn't understand her "help".
They never understood how she felt
they always believed someone else
like the medicine on her shelf.
So she killed herself.

By the lake
she sits on the back deck,
fingers running along her collarbones
protruding underneath her neck.
The night covers her like a blanket
wraps her in its cold, but comforting embrace.
Tears stream down her face
looking at the night sky
she wonders why
she's alive.
She longs to feel the warmth of love
but all she has is the night.
The only thing to curl up to in bed after she gives into sleep
no longer able to fight.
The only thing she can whisper to in the dark
is the dark itself.
The only thing she asks for help.
The only thing that can hear her helpless little yelp.
It joins her on her swim in the lakes
when she longs for a escape.
It would join her all the way to the bottom
if she decided to seal her fate.
if the night and darkness are the only thing
that's been there for her,
then why would sinking to the bottom of the lake make her unsure?
As she floats towards the black sand
she see's night looking down at her and feel's darkness
take her hand...
And off to the bottom they swam.

Winter comes and so do I
we started out with your hand on my thigh
then we got high
and (I'm) leaving without saying goodbye
because who the **** is still warm when its this cold and why are you still holding me when I'm colder?
I need alcohol
my cheeks flushed and your breath warm
why do my hands shake all the time
while yours stay warm and still
mocking me
knowing I get lost in the heat.
I bet cold is uncrackable
you shatter me with a kiss.
Why play games when you can just kiss?
Why be gentle with a boy with warm fists?
Why cover bruises you told him to make?
Why have feelings when you can have him
God I love to touch and tear your skin
who the **** let you in?
Who the **** said you could look at me like that?
Hate always welcomes me back.
Winter let's me in.
Flames beg to reside in my lips and skin.
You think I cannot burn?
You think my eyes are soft because there blue?
I'll slit your throat with a look
I'll match my lipstick color to the blood.
Just because my cheeks and my alcohol is warm doesn't mean I am.
Let me tell you a story about the time I fell (in love).
Let me tell you a story about how I became the cold of the ground I fell on in winter when you told me I was to young to love so deeply and that because of it I'll always be hurting
But now let me tell you about what I do to stay cold
I'm always getting over someone
underneath another on their sheets in their bed because if I can't stay well my scent will
and if he can't remember me
your bed will remember my shape
and your walls liked my silence and my moans
You liked my golden hair.
The only part of me I allowed to hold light.
I could make you love me
if I wasn't already in love (with the way you **** me)

If you think I cannot be like the boy who loves the burn of his favorite whiskey
and grabs a pretty girl around the waist
twirling her and whispering in her ear
lovely lies.
And when they get back to his apartment
and fall on the bed
where he keeps a tattered notebook
and a pack of cigarettes under.
The one who has bright dead eyes
begging you to fall in
and then capturing you in their depths
and making you claw your way out,
defeated.
Even though its easier to stay,
among the sorrow there
and the hurt
and the hate
that he covers up so well
making it easier to stumble into
unknowingly into the depths
falling deeper
and deeper,
like Alice down the rabbit hole.
And you'll want to stay.
He'll watch you reach for his hand
and he'll grab the bottle instead.
You'll reach for him amongst the blankets
and he'll reach for a cigarette.
He'll watch you fall asleep
the way you breathe;
reaching a hand to play with a strand of your hair
but then pull away.
Not allowing himself
and leaving you to go walk the streets
aimlessly,
coming back at dawn
finding her there
knowing she wants to stay
and hold you
and fix you
and you will make her leave.
Because you are gone beyond repair
and her heart is full of love,
and yours is not.
You will not let her in its crushed blackness
because you wouldn't wish that on anyone.
She will leave
and he will drink
until his eyes lose focus
and his hands shake.
He will do the same thing all over again,
catch the attention of a girl with golden hair
and stormy eyes.
Torturing himself even more
because he knows she looks like her.
The one he broke.
The one he let in.
The one whose eyes now resembles his.
The one who does the exact thing he does
every night.
So do not think I cannot be like him.
Because I have learned from the best.

My hands shake, my head aches
a couple more pills i take.
It will go away,
the shakes, the aches and the pain
this is all part of the game,
The game of fate.
Will i live, or will i die?
However many pills i take
i decide
will i live or will i die?
i think as i close my eyes
my heart keeps beating
i guess it decides,
not tonight.

crated to an imperfection
the moon and her's reflection.
Glowing back at her in the lakes surface
she wasn't nervous.
She came here for a purpose.
She sank her feet into the sand
felt the water with her hands
looked up at the moon
thought of your face
quickened her pace
lowered her head underwater
and never came back up to the lakes surface.

She smelled like vanilla in the winter.
Smelt like flowers in the spring.
Smelt like nectarines in the summer.
Smelled in the fall like wind.
You knew all this because you loved her through it all.

They never knew why
she wrote all the time.
Or why she'd listen to piano music all night.
Or why she'd never let anyone she her cry.
Or smile.
Or why she'd run outside
in the middle of the night
just to look at the moon and smile.
Or why she'd sit outside on a warm summer night and smoke
for awhile.
They never questioned her sad eyes
because they all heard her rehearsed lies.
They never knew that with her happiness she faked it
but the thing that she never knew was is she was going to make it.

If my blood is as red as your lips,
how can i not draw it?
And if your fingertips are as smooth as my back
why are they not traveling it?
If my laugh is as chilling as thunder
then why is it not echoing in your mind?
If my heart beats as fast as your shaking hands
then why aren't you holding it?
If your lungs are as black as my fingertips
then why isn't my touch making your breath come faster?
If my skin has as many goosebumps as yours does chills
then why aren't they touching?
If our souls play the same song
then why aren't we together.

He taps on the window
like a tapping crow,
out of your bed you go.
Unlocking the clasp
i give you a nervous laugh,
you crawl in
almost losing your shoe,
you fall through.  
And you noticed the whole time him looking at you.
You barely know each other
and you can't stop starring at one another.
He gives you a small smile and moves closer
touching your elbow
starring about three inches under your eyebrow's
right at your rose colored lips.
You back up into your bed
sweet dizziness fills your head.
He places his hands on your hips
places a finger on your lips
he raises his eye brows
above the two eyes filled with clouds.
In an instant
your lips meet
you fall on your sheets
you rip of my shirt over my head
rolling on top of one another on the bed
my fingers wrap in your hair.
The only thing on the two lovers in underwear
inside the sheet made up heaven your love you swear.
It's better than Romeo and Juliet written by Shakespeare.
He kisses your neck holding you near
we jump in the shower.
He sits you down
and kisses your surprised lips.
You let the water get high
while the time flies.
You turn the shower off
exchange laughs
then cuddle all night in the bath.

You sang me Johnny Cash on the phone
i was on my floor in my room
swooning
you in your's
strumming your guitar
with hands that i fell in love with
with a smooth voice that i can't get out of my head
with a guitar you loved more life
with lips that brushed against my neck.
Ironic that it was called hurt
because that's all i have been feeling
that's all i write about
that's all i have to wake up too
the only thing i feel
though numb still
numb to feeling alive
feeling happy
feeling wanted
feeling at all.
Your voice haunts me at night
i can't push it to the back of my mind anymore
i have been doing that all day
so i slowly get in bed
i strum my fingers on my own guitar
and i sing my heart out
because it's broke into many fragments,
like a unfinished puzzle
like my unfinished poems.
So i choke out the pieces
in pain filled lyrics
streaming from my broken soul
with my soft voice turning hard,
heavy with sadness.
Then after i have to stop and catch my breath
realizing i didn't breathe much throughout the song
because god know's it hurts
it hurts
and it takes so much effort to breathe out
without sighing your name
without crying in pain.
Tonight i sang
tell 4 a.m,
i still feel the same.
I kept trying to sing my heart out the rest of the night.
I sung tell i lost my voice.
Tell i lost myself.
Finally,
tell i lost my heart.

You touch my skin and cringe,
you avoid eye contact with me and i either love you for it
or hate you for it.
Is your heart cold or is mine?
Whose hands shake more?
When did i become the one cringing?
Maybe i'm just trying to free myself from your presence.
Take off your hold on my heart, lungs, mind,
before i break your hand.

Is your favorite night to drink a whole bottle of whiskey
in your white t shirt and boxers
on a sunday night
because your daddy always drank after church
and your mom always wore his clothes around the house
because it's a quiet night
most asleep in the dead of night
while your strumming the piano keys
and taking a drag
remembering how many times you played as a child on these keys
your old dog fast asleep to the beat
one so familiar
the one your mom hummed you to sleep with every sunday night
and your dog would curl up at your feet,
that was peace.
Now they're gone and your trying to die
With every breathe
of that cigarette
with every gulp of that Jack Daniels
with every crack in your soul from cracking piano keys,
playing them too hard,
playing your hands to the bone.
You are dying,
and they are gone.

The snow so white
my skin so pale and bright.
The dark night cries.
Just like my dark dark eyes.
The cold gray skies know,
they match my soul.
And the blizzard unforgiving,
matches me when i'm grinning.
Winter, cold dark that wrecks,
resembles me.
I'm such a mess.

You wore all gray the whole day
you didn't smile once.
You spent half of it sleeping.
The other half weeping.
Then you crawled into bed,
with a heavy heart
and a heavy head.
The days you can't stop thinking about him
are the days you would rather drown
than swim.
Now in bed
feeling empty
i think
"what would i say to you,
if you were lying next to me."
I'd probably say
i have't slept good for days.
And that i want to runaway.
Preferably with you
but you wouldn't come
that i knew.
I would say i'm working on not missing you as much
and it's going as bad as i thought.
I would eventually tell you to leave,
because i know that you will never miss me.

My god you are every star i fell in love with when i was little.
You are every wave that loves to crash into my body.
You are every drop of moonlight that i plead with to touch your skin too.
You are every strand of sunlight hitting water.
Every late night swim.
Every late night poem.
Every tremor of my hands.
Every breath of fresh night air.
Soft morning light.
I am nothing to you.

You know what my skin feels like along your lips
you know what my hips feel like with your fingertips
you know look on my face when i've had too much to drink
you know the feeling of my legs around your back
you know the sigh i make at 3 am but not from loneliness
you know the feeling of my lips tasting skin that responds with shivers when i respond with pulling away
you know the feel on my back moving and twisting.
You do not know what my lips look like when they are trembling.
You do not know how it feels with my hips hard against the floor shaking with a shaking body and not pressed against yours, still shaking
You do not know what my face looks like when i am trying not to scream his name
You do not know how my legs look curled up on my reading chair itching to be wrapped around him.
You do not know my sighs in the night that scream his name silently
You do not know how much my lips did not want to kiss yours that night.
You do not know how sorry and how not sorry i am.

Cut me open and i bleed ink
break my bones and they turn to dust
steal my breath with a quick gun shot to the heart
and my rip cage with break open with flowers
watered from the wound
leave me alone
and bleeding
because its not any different
from the nights i spent in my room
on the floor
clutching a bottle of whiskey
bleeding on the inside
its no different
just this time
you actually cared to notice
because you didn't have to look hard
my white shirt was now red
and my hands shook a little harder than usual.
This isn't any more pain
then feeling alone
and empty
and having to force a smile
at the dinner table
forcing yourself to make conversation
forcing yourself to get up from your bed  
when you hear your mom call dinner.
This pain you just can't describe as well
because although you've felt like every breath hurt
and your chest had a huge gaping hole
and your head screamed like it was splitting open
and your body shook.
But you don't have to describe this pain
because although it feels the same
you trying to breath does hurt because your heart doesn't want to work with a hole there
one you can see
and your head did split open form falling to the ground
and your body is shaking because your cold
so cold.
The pain on the inside would still be worse.
Even without having a bullet finding a place to stay in your chest.
And no one noticed.
But i can't blame them,
because my shirt is still white
and my hands are only shaking from not eating all day
and too many cigarettes
and i have a headache from lack of sleep
or from the lights on this city street i'm walking.
But hey, at least i'm still alive.. right?
For now at least.
Maybe i will walk this dark alley.